The document provides steps for recovering from hurts and forgiving others. It discusses different types of forgiveness and outlines 14 steps towards acceptance and forgiveness. Some key steps include clarifying your feelings about the offense, taking responsibility for your own distress, examining fears of letting go, committing to heal, and practicing positive coping when recalling the offense. The document emphasizes that forgiveness is a process of releasing resentment to prevent further harm, rather than condoning wrongs or forgetting the past.

1. FORGIVENESS,
ACCEPTANCE & MOVING ON
How to Better
Recover from Hurts
Adapted from Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good, and other resources

2. John R. Williams, MMFT 2
Introduction

3. John R. Williams, MMFT 3
Objectives of this Presentation
1. Review religious ideas of forgiveness and problems
that can result
2. Describe successful recovery from a painful
experience
3. Help define forgiveness and acceptance and
differentiate between different kinds
4. Review 14 steps and elements of successful recovery
and forgiveness

4. John R. Williams, MMFT 4
Bible-Based Faith
Teaches Us to Forgive
• “Lord, how often
should I forgive
someone who sins
against me? Seven
times?” “No!” Jesus
replied, “seventy
times seven!” Matthew
18:21-22
• “‘I will forgive you
one hundred times.’
This is the fatherly
heart.” Sun Myung Moon
Divine Forgiveness
• Unconditional, never withheld
• Grants endless “second chances”
• Made as a decision, not by feelings
• Expresses unconditional compassion for
the offender
and welcomes reconciliation
• Assumes that all people are
equally prone to sin
• Based on how you have been forgiven
undeservedly

5. John R. Williams, MMFT 5
“Forgive or Not Forgive” Model
Invites Problems
Cheap Forgiveness
• “No Fault” shortcut
• Does not face your real pain
• Does not admit your needs
• May not hold offender
accountable
• May enable the offender
to repeat the offense
• Does not yield insight
and growth
• Leaves you feeling trapped
Inability to Forgive
• If you cannot find enough
compassion
• If you insist on an apology
• If you want restitution
• If you don’t want the
offender in your life
• If you can’t “forget”
• Leaves you resentful,
stressed and guilt-ridden

6. John R. Williams, MMFT 6
Common Phases in
Processing a Bad Experience
Grieving
losses is
also occurring
Reactions to
the offense
and offender
Adapted from Dr. Sidney B. Simon & Suzanne Simon

7. John R. Williams, MMFT 7
Healthy Recovery from a Hurt
Is a Learned Skill
Good recovery takes insight, skill and practice
1. Can think about the offense
without getting upset
2. Able to name gains:
• Lessons learned,
• What is now more meaningful,
• Greater coping skills,
• Deepened faith in God,
• Greater compassion for others
• May even be grateful for gains
3. Enjoys life in spite of injury
• “You hurt me, but I
have forgiven you, and
released myself from
the hurt, and am willing
to work things out with
you.”
• Or, “You hurt me,
but I have released
myself from you,
and I don’t want you in
my life.”

8. John R. Williams, MMFT 8
Evidence of Not Yet
Recovering from a Hurt
• Preoccupation with anger, resentment, guilt, sadness
• Getting emotionally upset or physically distressed just to
think about the offense
• Obsessing about the offense more than the good things in
your life
• Telling the story about it over and over in your mind
• It gets in the way of advancing in some area in your life

9. John R. Williams, MMFT 9
Costs of Prolonged
Anger & Resentment
1. Ties us to whatever and whoever hurt you, long past the
actual event
• Relives the injury and prolongs suffering
• Makes you powerless, chained to what you have no control
over
2. Stresses the mind and body
• Fosters depression, tension, heart disease and lower
immune function
3. Prevents real healing and recovery
• Restricts responses, prevents flexible coping
• Pushes friends and family away

10. John R. Williams, MMFT 10
Alternative Ways of Viewing
Forgiveness

11. John R. Williams, MMFT 11
6 Factors in
Different Kinds of Forgiveness
Unconditional Conditional
Want Reconciliation No Reconciliation
Cooperative One Sided

12. John R. Williams, MMFT 12
Unconditional or Conditional
Unconditional
1. Asks nothing of the offender
• Though it may still require
them to earn trust
2. Expression of compassion
and desire for connection
3. Or, the opposite—may have
little affection and want to
simply disengage from the
offender
Conditional
1. Based on the offender
meeting certain
requirements
• May want signs of
remorse, taking
responsibility, making
restitution, etc.

13. John R. Williams, MMFT 13
Cooperative or One-Sided
Cooperative
1. Reciprocal and mutually
satisfying
2. The offender is repentant
and makes effort to
facilitate forgiveness and
reconciliation
• Their actions invite and
trust and further
investment of heart
One-Sided
1. The offender may be
unwilling to cooperate
• Unrepentant
2. The offender may be
unable
• Absent or impaired
Also called Acceptance

14. John R. Williams, MMFT 14
Wants Reconciliation or Not
Want to Reconcile
1. Hurt person wants to
restore the former bond or
create a new friendship
2. Chooses to believe in the
ability of the offender to
change and willing to
remain vulnerable
3. Assumes there is more to
gain than to lose
Not Want to Reconcile
1. Assumes there is more to
lose than to gain
• Offender may seem too
untrustworthy and unsafe
2. Relationship does not
seems worth investment
• May change if offender is
highly cooperative

15. John R. Williams, MMFT 15
Acceptance & Forgiveness:
What It Is
1. May be unilateral pardon, or two-sided effort
2. Giving up resentment and revenge, while possibly seeking a
fair resolution
3. Separate from trusting, trust may still need to be earned
4. A gift to yourself, if no one else, to prevent further
damage from the offense
5. Reduction of the pain when remembering the offense
6. A process and may need to be repeated frequently
7. “Peace and understanding that come from blaming less… and
changing your grievance story”

16. John R. Williams, MMFT 16
Acceptance & Forgiveness:
What It Is Not
1. Condoning what the offender did or minimizing
the injury
2. Giving up the need for restitution
3. Empowering the offender and making yourself weak and
vulnerable
4. Forgetting what happened
5. Automatically meaning you want reconciliation
6. The same as trust
7. Necessarily asking nothing of the offender
8. What anyone can demand of you
9. Simply done once and for all

17. John R. Williams, MMFT 17
Steps towards Acceptance &
Forgiveness

18. John R. Williams, MMFT 18
14 Steps towards Full Acceptance
& Forgiveness, Part 1
1. Clarify what you feel about what happen
2. Take responsibility for your part in your distress
3. Examine fears of letting it go
4. Commit to do what is needed to feel better
5. Clarify acceptance and forgiveness as options
(6.) Practice positive coping when thinking of the offense
(7.) Give up unrealistic rules and expectations
(8.) Take the offense less personally
Adapted from Dr. Fred Luskin and Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

19. John R. Williams, MMFT 19
14 Steps towards Full Acceptance
& Forgiveness, Part 2
(9.)Humanize the offender
(10.) Consider your own mistakes and contribution to the
problem
(11.) Decide on your new relationship to the offender
(12.) Focus on positives: Appreciate, improve, connect
and protect
(13.) Seek to meet your original goals
14. Create a victorious survivor story
Adapted from Dr. Fred Luskin and Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D.

20. John R. Williams, MMFT 20
1. Clarify What You Feel
about What Happened
Recognize how you feel about the offense and what is
wrong
1. Allow yourself to admit all your feelings and thoughts
•Take all your emotions seriously as useful messages
2. Acknowledge that the situation is wrong or hurtful in
some way
•Describe what aspects of the situation are a problem
3. Tell your story
•To one or two trusted persons

21. John R. Williams, MMFT 21
Exercise: Write Your Grievance Story
1. Write down what happened during the offense
Include:
• Who was involved
• How it made you feel
• What you don’t like about it and why
• What you want to do about it
2. Keep it as a reference for a later step

22. John R. Williams, MMFT 22
2. Take Responsibility for Your Part
in Your Distress
Recognize
that your
distress now
mainly
comes from
your
reactions to
the offense,
not the
offense itself
The situation is in the past, but how you have
chosen to respond is ruling the present
• “Renting far too much space in your mind” to
whom or what hurt you
• Blaming the offender for your current
unhappiness
• Mentally replaying the injury over and over
• Tensing the body and draining your energy with
anger and resentment
• Using the hurt as an excuse to hurt others or
neglect important matters or other actions that
damage your self-respect

23. John R. Williams, MMFT 23
Blame & Victim Story
Our grievance story
• Used to win
sympathy and
support
• Theme of having no
power and being the
victim of the
situation
• Sense of being
personally targeted
with unfairness and
wrong
1. The offender is the main character,
not you
• As the victim, you just highlight the
villain’s power
2. Blames the offender for any
unhelpful reactions and their
consequences
• Justifies and excuses poor coping
strategies
• “I can be mean because people
have been mean to me”
3. Fiercely defended and protected

24. John R. Williams, MMFT 24
3. Examine Fears of Letting It Go
Look at why you might be afraid
to accept and forgive
1. Anger tends to be healthy only
for a short time, like pain
•Good to prompt action to prevent
or correct a wrong
2. Over time, becomes crippling like
chronic pain
•Controls you, restricts choices and
makes you sick
3. Holding onto anger and
resentment can feel
good
• Energizing
• Feels powerful and
protective when you
are feeling weak
• Prevents feeling
sadness, guilt, and
weariness, as part of
the healing process

25. John R. Williams, MMFT 25
Exercise: Reaction Reflection
1. Divide a sheet of paper into 3 columns, labeled “Thoughts,”
“Feelings,” and “Actions”
2. Under the proper heading, list all the thoughts you have
about what happened to you, the feelings, and the actions
you have taken in regard to the offense
3. Think about each item: How effective has it been to reduce
your distress?

26. John R. Williams, MMFT 26
4. Commit to Do What Is
Needed to Feel Better
Protect yourself from further damage and focus on what will
help you heal, recover and move on
•You cannot change the past, but you can have a better present
•Being free is more important that being “right,” getting even or
punishing the offender
•Resentment and anger may feel protective, strong and in control,
but forgiveness creates real strength and freedom
•Only you can release the injury’s—and offender’s—grip on your
life
•Don’t wait for apologies or the offender changing
•Do it for your sake, if not for others

27. John R. Williams, MMFT 27
5. Clarify Forgiveness &
Acceptance as Options
1. Clear up any misconceptions about forgiveness
2. Aim for unconditional
• Don’t let it depend on certain conditions to be met
3. Assume you don’t want reconciliation
• But consider if it were possible within certain conditions
4. Aim for one sided
• But consider if offender might cooperate and if so, what
you would want them to do

28. John R. Williams, MMFT 28
Exercise: Forgiveness Declaration
1. Ask to meet with the person for a moment
2. Briefly tell of your view of other person’s offense
3. Declare that you forgive them
4. If the other person begins to deny the offense or defend
what they did, politely state that you are not interested
in debating, but rather that you don’t hold it against
them
5. Thank them for listening and leave

29. John R. Williams, MMFT 29
Exercise: Pretend to Forgive
1. Sit with an empty chair facing you
2. Imagine the offending person sitting in that chair
3. Pretend you have decided to forgive them
4. Imagine telling the person you forgive them, or say it
out loud
5. Imagine the person’s positive reaction
• Softening, apologizing
6. Sit and feel your own response
• Your anger and pain may have decreased a little

30. John R. Williams, MMFT 30
Exercise: Decide Your
Apology Language
Decide what kind of apologies you require and let the
cooperative offender know
1. Remorse: “I am sorry (about how you were hurt).”
2. Responsibility: “I was wrong.”
3. Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
4. Repentance: “(Here’s how) I won’t do that again.”
5. Request (for forgiveness): “Will you forgive me?”
Adapted from Gary Chapman

31. John R. Williams, MMFT 31
(6.) Practice Positive Coping When
Thinking of the Offense
1. Need to reduce stressful
reactions to the thought of
what happened
• Prepares you to forgive and
let go
• Hard to choose a new
response if your “fight or
flight” reaction gets
triggered
2. Use practices to feel calm
and safe while recalling
the upsetting situation
• Prayer
• Distraction
• Relaxation
• Visualization
• Meditation

32. John R. Williams, MMFT 32
Exercise: Heart Meditation
1. Sit in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed
2. Breathe deeply, with eyes closed, until your body relaxes
3. Think of someone or something that represents love to you,
and welcome that love into your body for a moment
4. Now recall the upsetting event, noticing the reactions
in your body
5. While holding that bad memory still in your mind, reach out to
the image representing love and let it again fill your body,
breathing deeply and slowly for a few minutes
6. Release the bad memory, and dwell in the love
7. Slowly return to the present
8. Note if recalling the offense seems less disturbing

33. John R. Williams, MMFT 33
(7.) Question Unrealistic
Demands and Expectations
Part of your distress may arise from
demanding that people and life
give what they cannot or choose
not to
1. Give up trying to enforce
“unenforceable rules” and
expectations
•Recognize “shoulds,” “musts” and
“need to’s” outside
of your control
•Convert them into the hopes and
desires they are
2. Decide to accept life
and people as they
actually are
• Remind yourself that
you can hope for good
things
and work hard to get
them—but not expect
or demand them
3. Give up wanting the
past to be different

34. John R. Williams, MMFT 34
Exercise: Turning
“Musts” into “Wants”
1. Listen to your repetitive thoughts about the painful
experience and write them down
2. Pull out your underlying beliefs, expectations and “rules”
for life that were violated by the offense
• “People should be fair”
• “A mother-in-law must show respect for her son-in-law”
3. Turn these demands into statements of preference, using,
“I’d like,” “I want,” “I wish,” “I hope”
• “I’d like people to be fair, but I can’t expect that”
• “I want my mother-in-law to show respect for me, but I
can’t control what she does”

35. John R. Williams, MMFT 35
(8.) Take the Offense Less Personally
1. Pain is
universal
• Details are
personal but
not suffering
• Consider how
your situation
could have
been even
worse
2. Frame the offender’s behavior as more
about them than you
• They were struggling with old wounds
• They lashed out less at you as a person
than at what you represented
3. Accept that you may be paying for others’
offenses
• Committed by your group or ancestors
• The harm was inevitably coming to
anyone in your position, as restitution

36. John R. Williams, MMFT 36
(9.) Humanize the Offender
1. Look for exceptions to
your picture of them as
selfish or cruel
• Look for good they have
done
• Imagine how their family
sees them and how they
treat their loved ones
• Imagine them younger
and more innocent
2. Consider any small
resemblance to yourself
• When you have hurt others
either accidentally or
intentionally
• When you have received a
pardon that you did not
expect or deserve

37. John R. Williams, MMFT 37
Exercise: Through Parental Eyes
1. Sit quietly, breathing deeply
2. Think of your offender as a child
3. Imagine how their parents loved them and looked at
them with hope and joy
4. Visualize that child earnestly striving and achieving
something good
5. Picture them being wounded by painful experiences
4. If you can, imagine how God might see them

38. John R. Williams, MMFT 38
(10.) Consider Your Own Mistakes &
Contribution to the Problem
1. Look honestly at your own part in
how you were hurt
• Enabling the offender
• Not heeding warning signs
• Not preparing better
• Failing the offender in some way
2. Challenge irrational self-blame
• Over that which you had no control
• Taking on the offender’s responsibility
3. Admit any guilt over
how you reacted to
the offense
• Retaliation
• Selfishness
• Neglecting others
4. Forgive yourself for
your own failings

39. John R. Williams, MMFT 39
Exercise: Ask the Offender
for Forgiveness
1. Ask to meet with the
offender, even for a short
time
2. Briefly tell them your view of
their offense
3. Apologize for any negative
attitudes you have held
towards them
• Anger, resentment,
bitterness, vengeance, etc.
4. Ask for their forgiveness
5. If they begin to deny the
offense or defend it,
politely state that you are
not interested in debating
• Instead, you want
forgiveness for the bad
feelings you have been
holding towards them
• Repeat your request for
forgiveness
6. Thank them and leave

40. John R. Williams, MMFT 40
(11.) Decide on Your New Relationship
to the Offender
Carefully decide what kind of
relationship you want
•Look at the offender apart
from their offense, weighing
the good against the bad
•Honor the blessings
•Protect yourself from further
abuse
• May decide you love but
cannot trust
• May include restitution and
other conditions to
be met before you can
restore the bond

41. John R. Williams, MMFT 41
Exercise: Reorienting
the Relationship
1. Divide a sheet of paper in two, labeling one side, “Gifts,” and
the other, “Hurts”
2. List the ways the offender has brought blessings to your life
on one side
3. List on the other side how they have caused harm, or pose
risks
4. Use this lists to decide what degree of reconciliation you seek,
if any
5. Also determine what boundaries, if any, you will enforce, even
as temporary conditions

42. John R. Williams, MMFT 42
(12.) Focus on Positives: Appreciate,
Improve, Connect & Protect 2
Connect
• Cherish loved ones
more and invest time
• Reach out for support in
recovering
• Don’t lean on others too
much
Protect
• Focus on those who
need you
• Help alleviate the
conditions that hurt you,
to prevent others’
suffering
Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

43. John R. Williams, MMFT 43
(13.) Seek to Meet Your Original Goals
Look for other ways to get your needs met, in spite of the hurtful
situation
The offense involved not getting what you originally wanted or
getting what you didn’t want
•Don’t overreact to the injury and give up on your goal
•Reclaiming your original intention gives power to move forward
•Can be related to reversing or overcoming the loss or harm
•Look for how God might be working through this to provide new
opportunities amidst the suffering

44. John R. Williams, MMFT 44
(12.) Focus on Positives: Appreciate,
Improve, Connect & Protect 1
Affirm the good that is stronger than this difficulty
• “A life well lived is your best ‘revenge’”
Appreciate
• Recognize how others
have helped you
• Be grateful that it was not worse
• Acknowledge how you have
grown as a person and any
other benefits you have received
Improve
• Use the difficulty
to become a
better person
Adapted from Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

45. John R. Williams, MMFT 45
Exercise: Reclaim Your Intention
1. Consider what goals you were
pursuing when the offense
occurred
2. Compose a statement of what
you wanted
• Personal: “I wanted…”
• In positive terms; not as what you
didn’t want
• Expressed as a wish, not a
demand, free of anger or self
righteousness
• Focused on changeable
things, like behavior:
“treat
me respectfully,” not
“care more about me”
• Get specific, using
names and descriptive
words: “I wanted to
make a warm and
productive friendship
with Lee”

46. John R. Williams, MMFT 46
14. Create a Victorious
Survivor Story
Edit the story of your hurt to remind yourself of the heroic
choice to accept, forgive and overcome
Cast yourself as the hero and point to how you have
prevailed or are prevailing over the difficulties
•Focus on coping—its challenges and successes
•Emphasize what is means the most to you
•Reinterpret the experience in terms of how God will use the
difficulty to do greater things

47. John R. Williams, MMFT 47
Exercise: Creating a Survivor Story
Retell your story with yourself as the star, naming your original
intention, and let the difficult situation highlight your strength
1. “I was trying to…
2. “I am prevailing over or coping with the situation by…
3. “Because of this challenge:
• I have learned…
• I have become a better
person because…
• I appreciate others who
helped me by…
• I appreciate even more
such things as…
• I see how strong I am
because…
• I realize I need to learn…
• I want to do something about…
• I want to better protect…
• I want to help others by…”

48. John R. Williams, MMFT 48
Exercise: Emotional Layers Letter
Write to someone:
1. Anger & Blame
• I’m angry that—
• I hate it when—
• I’m fed up with—
• I resent—
2. Hurt & Sadness
• It hurt me when—
• I felt sad when—
• I feel hurt that—
• I am disappointed that—
3. Fear & Insecurity
• I was afraid that—
• I get scared when—
• I am worried that—
• I’m afraid that I—
4. Regret & Responsibility
• I’m sorry that—
• I didn’t mean to—
• I may be to blame for—
• Please forgive me for—
5. Wants
• All I ever want(ed)—
• I want you to—
• I want(ed)—
• I deserve—
6. Appreciation & Forgiveness
• I appreciate—
• I realize—
• I forgive you for—
• I love you for—

49. John R. Williams, MMFT 49
Resources
• Steven Stosny, You Don't Have to Take it Anymore: Turn Your
Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a
Compassionate, Loving One (New York: Free Press, 2007).
• Dr. Fred Luskin, Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for
Health and Happiness (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco,
2002)
• Janis Abrahms Spring, How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to
Forgive, The Freedom Not To
(New York: HarperCollins, 2004)

50. John R. Williams, MMFT 50
John Williams, MMFT
• John.Coach1@gmail.com