The mismatch between a child’s sensory memory of their maltreatment in infancy and the story they are subsequently told about their early life creates long term confusion and feelings of shame which frequently derails them.
We know ”the body keeps the score” (Bessel Van Der Kolk) yet adults often tell children a sanitised and saccharine version of their past, in the mistaken belief that this will protect the child. It doesn’t. The child has experienced life from inside their own bodies while looking though their own eyes. This is the data they will use to make meaning of themselves and the world. What they need from adults is confirmation of the harsh truth, fresh perspectives and ongoing support to comprehend and integrate the knowledge.
Helen Oakwater, Coach, Trainer and Writer
Helen Oakwater: Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey?
1. 1
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life
journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?
National Child Welfare Conference
Look at me – dignified childhood!
Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016
@HelenOakwater
2. Baby Tim lying in a cot
Traumatised
Infant
Maltreated
Traumatised
Infant
Pahoinpitelyn
6. The Infant PerspectiveONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY
SHRAPNEL”
Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet”
One incident of
NEGLECT
Stored in implicit memory & sensory database.
12. 12
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 3: With poorly trained
Foster Carer
13. 13
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 4: With well trained
Foster carer - dark night
14. No therapy or reframing
Shrapnel still inside Tim
I am a
bad boy
Iminä olen
paha poika
15. I am not safe
I’m scared
I am not cared for
I am unlovable
I’m ignored
I’m not valued
I’m bad
It’s a terrifying hostile world
People hurt you
Dangerous place
There is no place for me
I am not important
The world is not okay
POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND
OTHERS
I’m alone
- Child’s View of Self and
World
16. What story is Tim told?
Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu?
“The house was a bit
messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
18. 18
“The house was a bit
messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
They slept on mattresses
soaked with urine, covered
with filthy bedding, wading
through mouldy rubbish ankle-
deep to get through the front
door and off to school.
Ne nukkui patjat kastettu
virtsaan, peitetty
saastaisia vuodevaatteet,
kahlaa homehtunut roskat
nilkka-syvä päästä
etuovesta ja pois kouluun.
19. “The house was a bit
messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Frequently MISMATCH between
sensory life experiences and story
child is told
20. 20
Confusing MISMATCH of language
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
inhottava kurjuudessa
vs. puhdas epäsiisti
disgusting squalor
vs. clean untidy
21. Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and saccharine life story
“The body keeps
the score”
BESSEL VAN DER KOLK
“Languaging”
“Kieli”
22. “The house was a bit
messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Child needs truthful life story which
matches his sensory experiences
full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet
täynnä roskaa, lentää, mätää ruokaa ja tukossa wc
X XX
24. 100% Truth
Telling
Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture
Heaps of sensory memories
in an age
appropriate
way
Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse
25. 25 pieces:
outlining of
story
Aged 6
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
27. 1000
pieces: the
entire
detailed
story
By 18 - 21
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +
+ ++++++
29. Coherent Narrative = truthful life story
which matches sensory experiences
Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen elä
30. Coherent narrative allows child
to trust their bodily sensations
“The body keeps the score”
BESSEL VAN DER KOLK
FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY
Johdonmukainen kerronta
mahdollistaa lapsen
luottamaan kehon
tuntemuksia
34. 1000 - 199
801 pieces
because
gaps and
blocks in
the story
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth: Will have
gaps
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +
+ ++++++
35. 35
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe: deeper understanding with age
Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän
36. Avoid False Negative Beliefs
through a Coherent Narrative
“Knowledge is only a rumour
until its in the muscle”
Judy DeLozier
Head, heart and gut understanding
Intrinsic truth
Photos
Evidence & indisputable material
Information, data, words
saccharine life story book
39. I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
People care for me
There is a place for me
here
I am important to them
The world is okay
+ Child’s View of Self and
World
40. Future Proofing: to stabilise their
life journey children need
Coherent narrative
Consistency: no surprises
100% truth telling age appropriate
A(his)story which does not conflict with
their sensory memories (i.e. matches)
Knowing deep inside it was not their fault
Help and support to understand, process
and reframe their past
42. 42
minä olen
paha poika
I am a
bad boy
Minä olen
hyvä poika
I am a
good boy
Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each
Kuvittele käytös, tuloksia ja
elämänpolkuasi jokaisen
44. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts,
videos
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking
REAL and honest
EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership,
communication skills, trauma, etc)
LEADING LEARNER principles
@HelenOakwater
www.FABParents.co.uk
helen@helenoakwater.com
45. • Coach, Author, Trainer
• Adoptive Parent
• Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+
• Teacher (11-18: PE & maths)
• NLP & mBIT Coach & Trainer
• Post Grad Attachment & Adoption
(Family Futures)
• Government Task Force
• Trustee Adoption UK
45
Helen Oakwater
www.FABparents.co.uk
@helenoakwater
https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970
http://www.bookdepository.com/Bubble-Wrapped-Children---How-Social-Networking-is-Transforming-
the-Face-of-21st-Century-Adoption-Helen-Oakwater/9781780920979
helen@helenoakwater.com
46. 46
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life
journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?
National Child Welfare Conference
Look at me – dignified childhood!
Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016
@HelenOakwater
Editor's Notes
I want to introduce you to TIM
Introduction to TIM …lying in cot
Now lets fast forward …. walk up time line … just the drama
Tim comes home from school on a cold rainy november day
He walked because he lost his bus pass, he spent lunch money on cigarettes, walks through door and wind catches it and it SLAMS shut , his hand to his face
voice from kitchen says “hello” … and he shouts at her
step back to form meta position … we can see
darkness - light bulb blew,
cold feet, hunger
touch acne - echo of nappy rash
loud crash… and words from his mouth are what her heard way back then
This combination of sensory experiences become entwined in the implicit sensory memory as incident of neglect … creates metaphorical shrapnel
Those 3 days in the cot can be represented graphically by a green wooden star.
There will have been more than one incident of neglect, so more pieces of metaphorical
Tim will also have experienced other forms of maltreatment and abuse.
Neglect does not come in isolation.
Each experience will be unique. However patterns may emerge which embody particular types of maltreatment.
These patterns may fall into groups which I categorise as different types of metaphorical shrapnel
Fear=Blue chunks and slivers of plastic
Violence = Red shards of glass
Emotional abuse = Orange ninja throwing stars
Sexual Abuse = grey pieces of metal “you are my precious little treasure”
Neglect = Green splinters of wood
Tim will also have experienced other forms of maltreatment and abuse.
Neglect does not come in isolation.
Each experience will be unique. However patterns may emerge which embody particular types of maltreatment.
Fear=Blue chunks and slivers of plastic
Violence = Red shards of glass
Emotional abuse = Orange ninja throwing stars
Sexual Abuse = grey pieces of metal “you are my precious little treasure”
Neglect = Green pieces of wood
walk up time line - multiple maltreatments still living with birth family
what behaviours would you observe?
What beliefs would be created?
I am helpless
Hopeless
Worthless
I AM A BAD BOY
Tim now living with FC who does not understand Trauma Triggered Behaviour …. reacts badly when told to f off
This FC understands about impact of trauma and reacts quietly and patiently … but Tim does not understand why he just blew up
Tim does not understand why he just blew up … and he still has the negative beliefs about himself despite being in FC … MISMATCH between what he's told by FC who is trying to build his self esteem and how he feels about himself
Possible negative views he has of himself and the world - this is his internal world because nothing has got deep enough to change it.
we must help him
Lets just think … what story is Tim told? Does it match how he thinks and feels about himself?
Does the language and words used around him fit with his experience?
Being told “the house was a bit messy” does not fit with the neglect he experienced
This is a “messy” bedroom …. towels on the floor, shoes not put away, … however it is clean, there is a basket for dirty clothes … you can see the carpet … this is acceptable and temporary
There were 5 children living in this house which also contained the remains of a young boy.
This is NEGLECT
Massive mismatch between Tims early experience and what he's told now.
Language mismatch
Constant disgusting squalor
Temporary untidy but essentially clean
We know the body keeps the score.
One of the problems with children who have been traumatised is that the story they are told does not match their sensory memories.
we underplay the childs experience - often so we can show the birth family is a good light
We must tell the child the story which matches his sensory experiences
Your mother could not care for ANY child
Your mother behaved very badly when she had alcohol / drugs / mental health episode / severe depression
Your mother could not look after herself and picked men badly
I use a metaphor to explain how we can share information with children appropriately.
I believe we must give children 100% truth is telling in an age appropriate way.
If we bought a jigsaw puzzle for a six -year-old it might have 25 chunky pieces.
We can give them information in the same way.
Big chunk. “Uncle Fred was naughty”.
I believe we must give children 100% truth is telling in an age appropriate way.
If we bought a jigsaw puzzle for a six -year-old it might have 25 chunky pieces.
We can give them information in the same way.
Big chunk. “Uncle Fred was naughty”.
Walk up the timeline … Uncle Fred hurt people …. uncle fred hurt children … Uncle Fred was a Paedophile
By adulthood all the details are shared and Tim knows Uncle Fred was a paedophile who filmed children being abused. He knows there are videos of his brothers being abused on the internet.
The Picture has been built up over the years. The truth telling has been age appropriate and in bite size chunks. Hence Tim had the space to digest all the information and its ramifications.
The just of truth creates a coherent and consistent narrative /story
We know the body keeps the score.
One of the problems with children who have been traumatised is that the story they are told does not match their sensory memories.
They need assistance to match story to somatic and physical experience and sensory memories
One way is to reframe past events …Play / drama /art/ music /therapy or discussions, with evidence to help child reframe and review their experience so they understand their feelings and thoughts
Looking back at early life with the wisdom and thinking skills and capacity of now.
Truth appropriate for age and thinking, comprehension skills
Understanding is key.
Tim removal, step dad beating him - therapy drama reenactment at 8 “he needs a hug”
Sometimes called “disclosure work”.
See what younger self needed and what adults did or failed to do.
So important that neighbours called police, police rescued you because what happened was wrong and bad and should not happen to ANY child. You were good boy. The adults were wrong.
There will always be gaps in the story, documentation … but the child knows in the body and can through reframing and evidence based therapy fill in some of the gaps and make sense of their life experience, learn lessons and release old pains.
Sometime family members will share stuff … sometimes they dont wont or cant remember or admit their actions or inactions.
REFRAME NEGLECT I am a good boy - I deserve a decent life … rather than I am a bad boy and dont deserve nice things etc
revisiting his past allows Tim to comprehend it relative to his life now
Looking back at early life with the wisdom and thinking skills and capacity of now.
Truth appropriate for age and thinking, comprehension skills
Understanding is key.
Sometime it works - example of sisters aged 17 &16, both had disgusting bedrooms, who went through files an learned about their neglect … one started cleaning and tidying her room, the other didn’t.
Remember a maltreated infant always has the knowledge stored in her body.
The Big Question is : Does it match the story he is told?
he needs head, heart and gut understanding.
Somatic rumours need confirming so negative beliefs are not installed It will be required thought his childhood and beyond.
COMPLEX: What story does BM tell?
Does she remember? Was she there? Was she stoned/drunk/ ….
She failed to protect.
What is her situation now?
What support does she receive?
Will she acknowledge the pain/ neglect/ etc… Can she? Does she has the capacity?
Will she honour the childs life now and take responsibility for the past?
Multiple perspectives generate insights and self acceptance.
From this self esteem, self belief and confidence will grow.
Without it shame will thrive.
This is what we want for all children - fortunately most have this … our difficult challenge is to create this in children who have been maltreated
We have to look beyond the observed behaviour into their internal world to understand how they see themselves and the world.
So what life journey for these parallel children. Walk down parallel lines ….bad boy … good boy
Is it a dignified childhood? If not what can we do to improve it?
Today I have focused on the child - however we do have to look at the 3 elements which I do in FAB parents