ACE conference Wakefield Jan 2020

Adverse Childhood Experiences:
Creation, Effect and Melting trauma
HOW are ACEs created
HOW we can future-proof children
WHAT makes a diﬀerence
Helen
Oakwater
@HelenOakwater

!2
• Adoptive Parent
• Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+
• Teacher (11-18: PE & maths)
• NLP, mBIT, IEMT Coach / Trainer
• Post Grad Attachment & Adoption
(Family Futures)
• Government Task Force
• Trustee Adoption UK
• Explorer & Learner
• Swimmer, Diver, Yogi, Traveller
•“UNDERSTANDING”
Helen Oakwater
Author, Coach, Trainer, Explorer
© Helen Oakwater 2018

The Infant Perspective
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk  
& vomit
SMELL
Sour milk
& excrement
TOUCH
Nappy rash
& FEEL
Hungry  
& cold

The Infant Perspective
One piece of sensory shrapnel
One incident of
NEGLECT
Stored in implicit memory & sensory database

Sensory Shrapnel
NEGLECT

!6
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 1 : No interventions

“Our little secret”
Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel

FEAR
EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
NEGLECT
SEXUAL
ABUSE
PHYSICAL
ABUSE
Assorted Shrapnel

I am a
bad boy
No therapy or reframing
Shrapnel still inside Tim

!10
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 2:
What behaviour might you see?
what do adults tell him?
Beliefs
operating?

!11
Limiting Beliefs
HELPLESS
WORTHLESS
HOPELESS
I am useless
I am a victim
There is something fundamentally wrong with me
I don’t belong
I deserve the pain and suffering I’m experiencing
I can’t do this, but you can
Its out of my control
I am bad
I am the problem

• Make sense of our world
• Give meaning to experiences by
connecting them
• Answer the question “Why”
• Serve us …or not
• Limiting or Empowering
• Drive behaviour
What are Beliefs?

NLP Logical Levels (Robert Dilts)
Change/Learning Hierarchy
Identity
Values & Beliefs
Skills & Capabilities
Behaviour
Environment
Mission / Purpose For Whom
Who
Why
How
What
Where & When
I
Can(t)
Do
This
Here
Spiritual
2 x YOUTUBE VIDEOS: Helen interviews Robert

“Truth” : “know”?
What you believe to be true
• Body (somatic) memory
• Implicit & Explicit memory
• Evidence
• Stories others tell
• Fake news
• Perspective: whose?

What is Trauma?
Psychological trauma is generally deﬁned by two
conditions. An individual experiences either:
Overwhelming
affect
(experience of
feeling or emotion)
they are unable
to integrate
The  
feeling / belief  
that they  
might die
or

Types of Trauma
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
e.g. Shell shock
Complex Trauma
Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD)
Single Incident Trauma
Secondary Trauma  
i.e Witness / hear / live with
ADULTS
CHILDREN
XX

AGE
DEVELOPMENT
The ‘Path’ of Trauma
Complex & Single Issue Trauma
Normal
Single Event
Complex (multiple) traumas

“The body keeps the score”
Bessel Van Der Kolk
TRAUMA
• Sensory, somatic, body based, ANS
• Base Reptilian Brain Thinking
• Fastest processing
• Safety / Survival seeking
• There is only NOW
• past, future
• Language

Frame setting
Whats normal? Whats not?
“NORMAL”
NOT
“NORMAL”
REPAIR
&
HEAL
Child
Development
Usual /
Standard
Sequential
Distorted
Gaps
“Random”
Parenting
Good
Enough*
Deﬁcient
Therapeutic
&
Developmental
* Winnicott

CLASSIFICATION
WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM
Some examples
WHAT IT DID TO THEM
Their experience
& possible interpretations
Emotional
Abuse
berated, insulted, compared
unfavourably to others,
ignored
I am wrong, bad, worthless.
They want me dead.
I’m not wanted.
I should not be alive.
Physical
Abuse
beaten, thrashed, burned,
used as ashtray,
hit with chair/stick/hand/belt,
locked in cupboard
the world is a dangerous
place,
I am bad & powerless
Sexual
Abuse
violated, raped, forced to
watch or participate in sexual
acts
destroyed innocence.
I can’t trust anyone
Reasons children are permanently
removed from their birth families

Reasons children are permanently
removed from their birth families
CLASSIFICATION
WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM
Some examples
WHAT IT DID TO THEM
Their experience
& possible interpretations
Neglect
unfed for days, nappies not
changed, no toys, no interaction
with adults, left alone for hours,
unwashed, no play,
I don’t matter, life is hopeless.
I am helpless &/or rage ﬁlled.
Do I even exist?
No self concept.
Chaotic
environment
lots of different carers,
locations, broken promises,
frequent moves, squalor
no safe or secure base.
I am terriﬁed.
Trauma
a combination of experiences
and events that felt utterly
overwhelming or life
threatening to the child
I am going to die.

THE
INADEQUATE
PARENTS
constantly focussing on their own problems, they
turn their children into “mini adults” who take
care of them
THE
CONTROLLERS
they use guilt, manipulation, and even over
helpfulness to direct their children’s lives
THE
ALCOHOLICS
*(DRUG
ABUSERS)*
mired in a denial and chaotic mood swings, their
addiction leaves little time or energy for the
demands of parenthood.
Toxic Parenting
CLASSIFIED BY DR SUSAN FORWARD IN HER BOOK “TOXIC PARENTS” 1989
** In 1989 Dr Forward did not include drug abusers though similar issues would apply now

THE
VERBAL
ABUSERS
whether overtly abusive or subtly sarcastic, they
demoralise their children with constant put downs
and rob them of their self conﬁdence.
THE
PHYSICAL
ABUSERS
incapable of controlling their own deep seated
rage they often blame their children for their own
ungovernable behaviour
THE
SEXUAL
ABUSERS
whether ﬂagrantly sexual or covertly seductive,
they are the ultimate betrayers, destroying the
very heart of childhood - its innocence.
Toxic Parenting
CLASSIFIED BY DR SUSAN FORWARD IN HER BOOK “TOXIC PARENTS” 1989

Metaphor: Wall of Children Needs
6-9
3-6
1-3
0-1
-0
Prenatal
hugs
food
food
food
food
hugs
hugs
hugs
school
school
friends
run
run
friends
challenge
trust
trust
trust
books

pre
natal
0-1
18-25
12-18
7-12
1-3
3-7
Developmental needs over time
“Normal” throughout life

food
good
hygiene
calm
hugs
warmth
nutritious
food
attuned
adults
stimulationroutine
attention
play
sleeppraise
clean
clothing
fresh air
comfort
trust
toys
eye
contact
shelter
touch
boundaries fun
language
Zooming into small section of
‘child development needs wall’

food
good
hygiene
calm
hugs
warmth
nutritious
food
attuned
adults
stimulationroutine
attention
play
sleeppraise
clean
clothing
fresh air
comfort
trust
toys
eye
contact
shelter
touch
boundaries fun
language
Neglect : damaged bricks
NO
NONONONO
NO
?
? ? ?
??
?
?
?
?
?
?
??
? ?
? ?
?? ?
?
?
?
?
?
?
? ?

boundaries
eye
contact
attention nutritious
food
stimulation
shelter
trust
play
good
hygieneroutine
NO NONO
touch comfort food
toys
Neglect: poorly constructed wall
missing, smaller & cracked bricks
clean
clothing
NO

boundaries
eye
contact
attention nutritious
food
stimulation
shelter
trust
play
good
hygieneroutine
NO NONO
touch comfort food
toys
Neglect: poorly constructed wall
missing, smaller & cracked bricks
clean
clothing
NO
& missinginadequate

pre
natal
0-2
17-25
12-17
9-12
2-4
4-8
Developmental needs over time
With infancy maltreatment

FACTORS INFLUENCING DEVELOPMENT
CONCEPTION
IN UTERO
BIRTH
POST NATAL
INFANCY
CHILDHOOD
ADOLESCENCE
Maternal GenePaternal Gene
Drugs, Alcohol,
Nutrition, Smoking
Stress Hormones
Domestic Violence
PrematurityBirth Trauma
Drug Withdrawal
Nutrition, Smoke inhalation
NAI, Neglect, Abuse, DV
Paternal
Maternal
Management
External Environment, Abuse
Poverty, Nutrition, NeglectParenting Style(s)
Quality of Other Carers
Foster Care Education
Schooling
Siblings
Alcohol
Drug
use
Peers

Curious? Why different
response from each child?
What lurks below the
presenting behaviour for
SANDY ?
TAMIE?
TIM ?

Baby experiences
discomfort or a need
Baby calms
trust develops
Baby plays and
interacts with mother
Baby rests
Mother picks baby up,
eye contact, talks to
and soothes baby
Baby protests,
usually by crying
Secure Attachment Cycle:
“normal child development”
SANDY

I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
People care for me
There is a place for me here
I am important to them
The world is okay
ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS
SANDY : Securely Attached, Normal
Development, Youngster
BELIEFS

Baby plays with self or
becomes apathetic
Baby protests
even louder
Baby protests,
usually by crying
Mother does not respond
to baby’s cry or responds
inconsistently
Baby experiences
Baby gives up.
Rage &/or Apathy
develop instead of trust
Mother responds with
anger , resentment or
does not respond
Baby
rests
Disturbed Attachment Cycle
“distorted child development”
TAMIE

I am in danger
I’m scared
I am not cared for
I’m small
I’m not valued
It’s a terrifying world
People are scary
Dangerous place
Threats are everywhere
Be invisible
The world is not okay
POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS
I’m alone
TAMIE: Terrified, Anxious,
Maligned, Insecure Emotionally
BELIEFS

Baby plays with self or
becomes apathetic
Baby protests
even louder
Baby protests,
usually by crying
Mother does not respond
to baby’s cry or responds
inconsistently
Baby experiences
Baby gives up.
Rage &/or Apathy
develop instead of trust
Mother responds with
anger , resentment or
does not respond
Baby
rests
Disturbed Attachment Cycle
“distorted child development”
TIM

I am not safe
I’m terrified
I am not cared for
I am unlovable
I’m ignored
I’m not valued
I’m bad
It’s a hostile world
People hurt you
Dangerous unpredictable place
There is no place for me
Nothing is important
The world is not okay
POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS
I’m alone
TIM:
Traumatised Infant Maltreated
BELIEFS

!40
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 3:
Shallow Interventions: behavioural
Beliefs
operating?

1. Regulate (you & them)
2. Relate
3. Reason
Three step process
“Dysregulated children in school
will not learn”: Dr Bruce Perry
Simple
Consistent
Open

What story is Tim told?
“The house was
a bit messy”

!43
Language:“messy bedroom”

!44
“The house was a bit messy”
They slept on
mattresses soaked
with urine, covered
with ﬁlthy bedding,
wading through
mouldy rubbish ankle-
deep to get through
the front door and off
to school.

Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and story child is told

Confusing MISMATCH of language
clean untidy versus disgusting squalor

100% Truth
Telling
Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture
in an age
appropriate
way
Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse

25 pieces:
outlining of
story
Aged 6
Jigsaw of Truth:
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea

100-400
pieces:
significant
details
shared
Aged 9 - 13
Jigsaw of Truth:
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +

1000
pieces: the
entire
detailed
story
By 18 - 21
Jigsaw of Truth:
Jigsaw of Truth:
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +
+ ++++++

Fresh Perspectives
THEN NOW

Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe neglect
so thats why I feel
scared when I'm hungry,
& I like fart smells

!55
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe removal episode
it was not my fault
he was drunk and wrong
I was rescued
I am important
I am a good boy

Empowering Reframing
MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES
utilising extra knowledge, resources, new
learnings and age appropriate wisdom
shrapnel removal
healing
pervasive shame© Helen Oakwater 2016

Avoid False Negative Beliefs
through a Coherent Narrative
“Knowledge is only a rumour until its in the muscle”
JUDY DELOZIER
Head, heart and gut understanding
Intrinsic truth
Photos
Evidence & indisputable material
Information, data, words
saccharine life story book

Future Proofing: to stabilise their
life journey children need
Coherent narrative
Consistency: no surprises
100% truth telling age appropriate
A(his)story which does not conflict with their
sensory memories (i.e. matches)
Knowing deep inside it was not their fault
Help and support to understand, process and
reframe their past

!59
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 4:
Deep Interventions (identity & beliefs)
Beliefs
operating?

I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
People care for me
There is a place for me here
I am important to them
The world is okay
???ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS POSSIBLE???
? Ideal view of self and world?
after deep interventions (hopefully)

Frame setting
Whats normal? Whats not?
“NORMAL”
NOT
“NORMAL”
REPAIR
&
HEAL
Child
Development
Usual /
Standard
Sequential
Distorted
Gaps
“Random”
Parenting
Good
Enough*
Deﬁcient
Therapeutic
&
Developmental
* Winnicott

http://bit.ly/2I2gvrq
13.5 minute YouTube video creating TIM: with drama, trauma generating understanding

Available on Amazon as paperback or in digital format

!64
Helen Oakwater
www.FABparents.co.uk
Melting Trauma : Transformation : Future Prooﬁng
Twitter
@HelenOakwater
Facebook
FABParents
YouTube
HelenOakwater

FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, etc
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking
REAL and honest
EXPERTS in various ﬁelds (coaching, leadership,
communication skills, trauma, etc)
LEADING LEARNER principles
www.FABParents.co.uk
YouTube Channel: HelenOakwater

ACE conference Wakefield Jan 2020

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