Look at me - Dignified childhood conference (in English and Finnish) Need for 100% truth telling with children so their somatic memories match the story they are told using careful accurate language, to avoid confusion. This melts trauma which allows building of positive beliefs.

1. 1
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?
National Child Welfare Conference
Look at me – dignified childhood!
Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016
@HelenOakwater

2. Baby Tim lying in a cot
Traumatised
Infant
Maltreated
Traumatised
Infant
Pahoinpitelyn

3. TIM in cot
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk
& vomit
SMELL
Sour milk
& excrement
TOUCH
Nappy rash
FEEL
Hungry
& cold

4. 4
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 1 : No interventions
Aikajana: Ei interventiot

5. TIM sensory experience
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk
& vomit
SMELL
Sour milk
& excrement
TOUCH
Nappy rash
FEEL
Hungry
& cold

6. The Infant Perspective
ONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY SHRAPNEL”
Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet”
One incident of
NEGLECT
Stored in implicit memory & sensory database.

7. Sensory Shrapnel
Sensorinen Shrapnal
NEGLECT

8. “Our little secret”
Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel

9. FEAR
EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
NEGLECT
SEXUAL
ABUSE
PHYSICAL
ABUSE
Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel

10. 10
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 2: with birth family
Different Maltreatments
What behaviour would you see?
Mitä käyttäytyminen olisi näet?
what do adults tell him?
Mitä aikuiset kertoa hänelle?
Beliefs?

11. Hopeless
Toivoton
Helpless
Avuton
Iminä olen
paha poika
I am a
bad boy
Beliefs and sense of self?
Worthless
Arvoton

12. 12
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 3: With poorly trained
Foster Carer
How does Foster carer react?
Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?

13. 13
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 4: With well trained
Foster carer - dark night
How does Foster carer react?
Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?

14. No therapy or reframing
Shrapnel still inside Tim
I am a
bad boy
Iminä olen
paha poika

15. I am not safe
I’m scared
I am not cared for
I am unlovable
I’m ignored
I’m not valued
I’m bad
It’s a terrifying hostile world
People hurt you
Dangerous place
There is no place for me
I am not important
The world is not okay
POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS
I’m alone
- Child’s View of Self and World

16. What story is Tim told?
Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu?
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”

17. 17
Language:“messy bedroom”
Kieli: “sotkuinen huone”

18. 18
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
They slept on mattresses
soaked with urine, covered
with filthy bedding, wading
through mouldy rubbish ankle-
deep to get through the front
door and off to school.
Ne nukkui patjat kastettu
virtsaan, peitetty
saastaisia vuodevaatteet,
kahlaa homehtunut roskat
nilkka-syvä päästä
etuovesta ja pois kouluun.

19. “The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and story child is told

20. 20
Confusing MISMATCH of language
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
inhottava kurjuudessa
vs. puhdas epäsiisti
disgusting squalor
vs. clean untidy

21. Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and saccharine life story
“The body keeps
the score”
BESSEL VAN DER KOLK
“Languaging”
“Kieli”

22. “The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Child needs truthful life story which
matches his sensory experiences
full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet
täynnä roskaa, lentää, mätää ruokaa ja tukossa wc
X XX

23. Jigsaw of Truth: Metaphor
Heaps of sensory memories
??

24. 100% Truth
Telling
Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture
Heaps of sensory memories
in an age
appropriate
way
Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse

25. 25 pieces:
outlining of
story
Aged 6
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea

26. 100-400
pieces:
significant
details
shared
Aged 9 - 13
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +

27. 1000
pieces: the
entire
detailed
story
By 18 - 21
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +
+ ++++++

28. Jigsaw of Truth:
creates a coherent narrative
??

29. Coherent Narrative = truthful life story
which matches sensory experiences
Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen
elämäntarina, joka vastaa aistikokemuksia

30. Coherent narrative allows child
to trust their bodily sensations
“The body keeps the score”
BESSEL VAN DER KOLK
FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY
Johdonmukainen kerronta
mahdollistaa lapsen
luottamaan kehon
tuntemuksia

31. 31
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe neglect (laiminlyönti)
so thats why I feel
scared when I'm hungry
and like fart smells

32. Fresh/ tuore Perspectives
THEN NOW

33. 33
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe removal episode
it was not my fault
he was drunk and wrong
I was rescued
I am important
I am a good boy

34. 1000 - 199
801 pieces
because
gaps and
blocks in
the story
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth: Will have gaps
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way
Flag
Boat
Umbrella
Clouds
Sea
+ + +
+ ++++++

35. 35
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe: deeper understanding with age
Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän
wash me & clothes
keeping clean is nice
alcohol can be harmful
eat regularly

36. Avoid False Negative Beliefs
through a Coherent Narrative
“Knowledge is only a rumour
until its in the muscle”
Judy DeLozier
Head, heart and gut understanding
Intrinsic truth
Photos
Evidence & indisputable material
Information, data, words
saccharine life story book

37. Birth Parent Perspective
Now , then & their issues
What was/is going on for them?
Now? Then?

38. Empowering Reframing
MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES
utilising extra knowledge, resources, new
learnings and age appropriate wisdom
shrapnel removal
healing
pervasive shame

39. I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
People care for me
There is a place for me here
I am important to them
The world is okay
+ Child’s View of Self and World

40. Future Proofing: to stabilise their
life journey children need
Coherent narrative
Consistency: no surprises
100% truth telling age appropriate
A(his)story which does not conflict with
their sensory memories (i.e. matches)
Knowing deep inside it was not their fault
Help and support to understand, process
and reframe their past

41. Trauma Triggered Behaviour?
Observed behaviour?
Internal World?
THEN NOW

42. 42
minä olen
paha poika
I am a
bad boy
Minä olen
hyvä poika
I am a
good boy
Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each
Kuvittele käytös, tuloksia ja
elämänpolkuasi jokaisen

43. Adult Child
FABParents Approach

44. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, videos
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking
REAL and honest
EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership,
communication skills, trauma, etc)
LEADING LEARNER principles
@HelenOakwater
www.FABParents.co.uk
helen@helenoakwater.com

45. • Coach, Author, Trainer
• Adoptive Parent
• Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+
• Teacher (11-18: PE & maths)
• NLP & mBIT Coach & Trainer
• Post Grad Attachment & Adoption
(Family Futures)
• Government Task Force
45
Helen Oakwater
www.FABparents.co.uk
@helenoakwater
https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970
http://www.bookdepository.com/Bubble-Wrapped-Children---How-Social-Networking-is-Transforming-
the-Face-of-21st-Century-Adoption-Helen-Oakwater/9781780920979
helen@helenoakwater.com

46. 46
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa?
National Child Welfare Conference
Look at me – dignified childhood!
Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016
@HelenOakwater