1. Presentations to Lawyers & Co
Autumn 2014
How and why social networking is
transforming adoption.
The need for Future Proofing
Helen Oakwater
Coach, Trainer & Author
!
Adoptive Parent of sibling group
placed in 1990’s aged 5,4,2
A problem well defined
is a problem half solved
1

2. What’s happening now
• Email received by adopted child at Xmas
Sweetheart im so happy iv found you plse rit back
coz uv bin told lies bout me
• Adopted children retraumatised by birth family
arriving in their bedroom
2
All presentation!
photos !
are “stock”

3. What’s happening now
3
• Schooling disrupted
• Exams missed
• Concentration
fragmented

4. What’s happening now
• “Reunited” children returning to live with birth
families, dropped out of school,
• Adoptive families already struggling
crack under the extra strain and
child returns to LAC
4

5. Experts
Technology
advances5

6. ROGER HAMILTON : 10 GLOBAL FUTURE TRENDS
(AVAILABLE ON SLIDE SHARE)
6

7. Who is looking?
Both sides
• Birth Family,
• mum, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts,
uncles, nanny, grandpa and many of their mates
• Adopted child (& LAC children)
• Adolescence
• Typical “I hate my parents” massively magnified
• “My real family would ...............”
7

8. Why are they looking?
!
• Curiosity
• Unanswered questions
• What are they doing now?
} Was
ever
• Alleviate guilt & shame
thus
• Mismatch (feelings & ‘facts’)
Why wouldn’t they?
8

9. Why now? Because they can
• OPPORTUNITY: 60 / 24 / 7 / 365
• In May 2007 Facebook had 23 million users Worldwide
• In December 2009 Facebook had 23 million users in the
UK: (ie 20 months later)
• Each day 23 million people within UK access Facebook
9

10. Adoption Now
• Adoption breakdowns
(after Order) statistics
were not captured
• Few long term studies
(all small)
• Anecdotal evidence is
grim
• Post adoption support
woefully inadequate
• Julie Selwyn

11. The past : remember
why they were removed
• Deeply inadequate parenting
• Intentional harm
• Failure to protect
• Adults unlikely to change (in child’s
timescales)

12. Reasons children are removed from their birth families
Classi-fication
What was done to them
Some examples
What it did to them
Possible interpretations
Emotional
Abuse
Berated, insulted, compared unfavourably to
others, ignored
I am wrong, bad, worthless.
They want me dead. I should not
be alive, I’m not wanted
Physical
Abuse
Beaten, thrashed, burned, used as ashtray,
hit with chair/stick/hand/belt,
locked in cupboard
The world is a dangerous place,
I am bad & powerless,
Sexual
Abuse
Violated, Raped, forced to watch or
participate in sexual acts
Destroyed innocence.
I can’t trust anyone
Neglect
Unfed for days, nappies not changed, no
toys, no interaction with adults, left alone
for hours, unwashed, no play,
No self concept. I don’t matter,
life is hopeless, I am helpless
&/or rage filled.
Do I even exist?
Chaotic
environment
Lots of different carers, locations, broken
promises, frequent moves, squalor
No safe or secure base.
I am terrified.
Trauma
A combination of experiences and events
that felt utterly overwhelming
or life threatening to the child
I am going to die.
12 Table taken from Bubble Wrapped Children

13. Sensory Experience !
with Neglect!
!
•Hear - Crashing doors ..
“shut up you stupid f**ing
Bi**h”!
•See - darkness!
•Taste - sour milk, vomit!
•Smell - own faeces &
urine : vomit & sour milk!
•Feel - cracked skin of
nappy rash from
stomach to knees, !
•Feel - cold feet, gripping
stomach pains from
hunger

14. Metaphorical!
Bubblewrap
distorts their
view of the
world and !
the world’s
view of them
14

15. Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting
• VIEW OF SELF
• I’m not safe
• I’m not cared for
• I’m scared
• I’m unlovable
• I’m ignored
• I’m not valued
• I’m alone
• I’m bad
• VIEW OF THE WORLD
• It’s a terrifying hostile world
• People hurt you
• Dangerous place
• No one could ever love me
• I am not important
• There is no place for me
• The world is dangerous
• The world is not okay
Poor attachment between child and others
15

16. Inadequate→ Poor → Toxic Parenting
16
!
Likely LifeTrajectory with little
intervention
0 10 20
TIMELINE

17. Consequences of neglect and
maltreatment
• Developmental gaps
• Damage from Trauma: (“overwhelming affect or
belief you might die”)
• PTSD & Developmental Trauma
• BUBBLE WRAP metaphor
• Distorts our view of them and their map of
the world
• Belief formation “distorted”A
problem well defined
is a problem half solved

18. Typical “Life story” book: My early life
Me and Mummy on
my first birthday
Sometimes Mummy was
ill and couldn’t look
after me properly
18

19. Typical “Life story” book: My early life
Here are my brothers
and sisters
One day Mummy was ill so the
police came and took us away.
We lived with different foster
parents and met weekly
Sometimes Mummy got
angry and shouted so an
important person (Judge)
agreed with social workers
that I needed a new forever
Mummy and Daddy.
That’s called adoption.
19

20. Real “Life story”: My actual early life
“The house was
a bit messy”
Real “Life story”: My actual early life
20

21. mismatch
between
saccharine
life story
book and
actual
sensory
experience
21

22. GET REAL BE TRUTHFUL
This is a complete mismatch
with the saccharine life story
book the child is given.
Yet this was their experience,
their truth, stored in their
implicit memory and sensory
databank.
22

23. Blunt trauma injury to front temple
SWs unable to wake parents!
Gran (unconcerned) present
Bruising on both ears
“I’ve never ever seen
such a sad defeated
child” Foster Carer
Bruising of different colours on her face
Wet soiled cot!
vomit on mattress!
no bedding
Black!
eye
knees!
waist to heal
from rash weeks to Nappy Took 4 Drank 2 bottles of milk !
in less than 4 minutes
Swelling on top of head
Rammed food into her !
mouth until she was sick
Hand and finger marks around her neck

24. BIRTH FAMILY
STILL SCREAMING
24

25. Birth Family Perspectives?
• “wot did i do wrong?”
• “I’ve always loved you”
• “That never happened” .... I cant remember it
• Cycle of grief for years/decades ...what are likely
coping strategies?
• What has changed in their world since time
of removal/adoption? What learnings?
• Can they honour child's experiences?
Empathy? Mindsight?
25

26. Contact Works When Birth Family:-
Take Responsibility
Offer a coherent account of what life was like
!
Say “Sorry”
It was our fault not yours
!
Give their blessing to where the child is
currently living
!
CONTACT MUST HAVE PURPOSE AND MEANING
!
26
Cruel and unrealistic if Birth Family
expected to do this without support

27. Contact via Facebook & Social
networking
• Unsupervised
• Unfacilitated
• Unscripted
• No safeguarding
• No filters or control features
• Expectations raised .... and dashed?
• 60/24/7/365
What protection from lies,
deceit & danger ?
27

28. Future Proofing
Distinguish between
disposable
knowledge
Facebook privacy settings
location, trendy band, party,
venue, fashion
ZX81 3D printing
sustainable
knowledge
Information which
will always be
important and
relevant
28

29. Future Proofing
How!!
sustainable
knowledge
This happened to
me....because ...
My life lessons from this
include ….
Beliefs & Values
formation
Long term
What
information
really, really
JIGSAW! matters
OF!
TRUTH
29

30. 100% truth!
telling in !
30
age !
appropriate way

31. EMPOWERING REFRAMING
Multiple Fresh Perspectives
utilizing extra knowledge, resources, new
learnings and age appropriate wisdom
!
31
cot
. HEALING
! ? !
! ? ! ! ? !
! ? !

32. Reframing
32
The past
was horrid.
The future
looks good
I am OK
One sad event
That saved my life

33. Reframing requires
• Indisputable Evidence
• Independent evidence to confirm their
experience and sensory memories (reports,
photos, witnesses, facts, data)
• Support for adoptive parents
• Therapists who understand
the legacy of trauma
33

34. 34
Therapeutic Re-Parenting
+ 100% Truth Telling
Likely LifeTrajectory
0 10 20
years
TIMELINE

35. TRAINING
SUPPORT
therapy
vandalism
TEARS
suicide
DISRUPTED FAMILIES
£££££
£££££
PRISON
Mental breakdowns
rage
£
fostering
35
Paradigm shift + Cost Benefit Analysis
Mega support for adopters is cheaper than fostering
Early
Intervention
& therapy

36. 36

37. Future Proofing. What can you do?
YOU are the experts on the legal system
• Provide robust evidence to adopted children
and their parents about their early life
• Authorise release of reports, photos etc
including police and medical reports
• Question long term post adoption
support provision
• Think outside the box.
• Be creative & courageous
because new technology & legislation will
create fresh challenges

38. Existing Technology Tools
• Facial Recognition software
• Face Ageing software
• Location services
• Google: name & word searches
• “Jigsaw information” on one screen
• Wikileaks
• Combine to reveal private & protective data
• What next in1/3/5/10 years?
} ? =

39. Media!
Access!
39
to!
Family!
Courts

40. 40
Family
Tree
DNA
testing

41. 41
Find out about your DNA

42. Find your DNA Family Tree (relatives)
42

43. Adopted children need
• Therapeutic Reparenting (to undo the damage and
fill the gaps)
• 100% Truth Telling, in age appropriate way, to
prevent mismatching and delusions (jigsaw of truth)
• Independent evidence to confirm and make sense
of their experience and sensory memories (reports,
photos, videos, witnesses, facts, data)
• Support in processing the historic horrors
• Ongoing age appropriate therapy
• Access to records and files NOW
43

44. TOUGH QUESTIONS
Should an adults’ behavioural
history be protected/secret;
when sharing full data will
empower and heal a hurt child? !
Is that truly a child
centred strategy?
44

45. TOUGH QUESTIONS
What 3rd party information
should be shared so a child is
protected in the future?
(ie from/about Uncle Fred)
What is a truly, child
centred strategy?
45

46. 46
How and why social networking is
transforming adoption.
!
The need for Future Proofing
!
Helen Oakwater
www.bubblewrappedchildren.co.uk
!
www.helenoakwater.co.uk
!
@helenoakwater
!
E: helen@helenoakwater.co.uk
A problem well defined
is a problem half solved