Assertiveness & Confidence Building with Young People
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This is a presentation that I put together for training peer mentors and peer educators to develop their confidence in public speaking and consultation. If you need more information please contact me @VRyouthwork www.vanessarogers.co.uk
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Assertiveness & Confidence Building with Young People
- 2. To identify personal patterns of behaviour and responses to others To consider the difference between assertive, passive & aggressive To explore giving and receiving criticism: developing feedback skills To increase confidence in coping with challenging situations
- 3. What is ‘assertive',' aggressive’ and ‘passive’ behaviour?
- 4. Give in and say ‘yes’ even when they don’t want to Put the feelings and concerns of others before their own Keep their concerns to themselves Go along with the crowd even if they know it is wrong
- 5. Think of themselves first, at the expense of others Dominate others Use threats or force Don’t respect personal space Get what they want, regardless of the cost
- 6. Stand up for their rights without denying other people theirs Respect themselves as well as others Ask for what they want in a straightforward manner Express their emotions (both positive and negative) in a healthy manner
- 7. CAN look like CAN sound like Slapping or hitting Red faced Pointing fingers Body tense Fists clench Closed body language No consideration of others Shouting Yelling Angry voice Name calling Threatening Sarcastic comments Mocking or belittling
- 8. CAN look like CAN sound like Shy Hiding face Smiling when you don’t mean it Nodding Doing things you know are wrong Quiet voice Not saying what you really think or believe in Not sticking up for yourself Apologetic
- 9. CAN look like CAN sound like Direct and honest communication In control Diplomatic Open body language Confident Saying what you think, respectfully Calm voice Firm Direct Gets the point across
- 10. The ability to; Express your opinion and feelings. Say “no” without feeling guilty. Set your own priorities. Ask for what you want. Take reasonable risks.
- 11. ‘Being assertive is the art of getting understood by others by being neither aggressive nor passive, but by stating your needs clearly and effectively whilst respecting others right to the same.’
- 12. Passive behaviour – I lose, you win Aggressive behaviour – you lose, I win Assertive behaviour – I win, you win
- 13. Iceberg Model
- 14. What are your triggers? How do you feel? How do you behave?
- 15. TRIGGERS FEELINGS AFTERWARDS THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS FEELINGS THOUGHTSBEHAVIOUR What affects the result is our response
- 16. REACTIVE Most common form of aggression Loss of control and emotional flooding Appears disorganised, impulsive & loud PROACTIVE Appears in control and deliberate Goal orientated Can appear impassive or even smiling & smirking
- 17. Situational External stressful events Maturational Stress produced from progression through developmental stages
- 18. In small groups draw a gingerbread person On the inside write down all the maturational stress that a young person might be experiencing On the outside, all that which might be described as ‘situational’
- 19. Why did this happen today, but not yesterday? Is this typical behaviour for this young person? Is the young person expressing a need? Is this normal for a young person of this age? Does this reflect a family or cultural belief?
- 20. What am I feeling? What does the young person feel/need/want? How is the environment affecting the young person How do I respond?
- 21. Avoid conflict – simply withdraw from the situation Smooth it over – pretend there is no conflict and everything is OK Win at all costs – Get what you want; the other person loses Compromise – give up something you want to get something else you want Win / win negotiation – use creative problem solving to give both people what they want or need
- 23. Are there some areas that you are more comfortable being assertive in than others? Consider areas that you feel most assertive in and areas where you feel least.
- 24. Face the other person. Listen carefully to what they say. Have a pleasant facial expression. Keep your voice calm and pleasant. Make sure that your body language supports what you are saying
- 25. 7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the words that are spoken. 38% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said). 55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in facial expression. Professor Albert Mehrabian (1981) Silent messages: Implicit communication of emotions and attitudes
- 26. This approach is particularly useful in: Situations where you feel your rights are being ignored Coping with clever, articulate people. Situations where you may lose self-confidence if you give in
- 27. Work out what you want to say and rehearse it. Repeat your reply, using exactly the same words, over and over again and stick to what you have decided. Keep repeating your point, using a calm, pleasant voice. Don't be put off by clever arguments or by what the other person says. Don't be pulled into an argument or having to explain your decision. There is nothing that can defeat this tactic.
- 28. “I feel / felt.........when........because..............” Say: 'I feel upset when you interrupt me because I can't finish what I am saying.' Instead of: 'You're always interrupting me!'
- 29. Be straightforward and honest so that you can make your point effectively Don't feel you have to say 'sorry' or give elaborate reasons for saying "No” Offer a compromise if you want to It is better in the long run to be honest rather than feel resentment for not being able to say "No"
- 30. Example 1. Say: "Will you please . . . .?" Instead of "Would you mind . . . . ?” Example 2. Say: "I won't be able to...."instead of 'I'm not sure if I can...." Example 3. Say: "I've decided not to…” instead of 'I don't think I can...."
- 31. In three’s practice assertiveness techniques Observer to note technique used and effectiveness
- 32. Individual to fit the specific person and situation Focused on the behavior or action you are concerned with, not on the person or their personality; Delivered as soon as possible after the positive or negative action and before the next performance.
- 33. What is the difference between ‘feedback’ and ‘criticism’
- 34. Assume positive intent Listen and make sure you understand Don’t take it personally or overeact Acknowledge and apologise Clarify and specify Set boundaries
- 35. VALID criticism - criticism which we know is true INVALID criticism - criticism which we know is not true (one mistake doesn’t mean we are incompetent!) PUT-DOWNS - a word, phrase, look or gesture that feels like a blow.
- 36. Tips to use criticism assertively Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it. Don't take it to heart. React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person. See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned.
- 37. Make intermittent eye contact Make sure you’ve been heard Use "I" statements to express your feelings or make a request Don't "yes, but" them
Editor's Notes
- Warm up – introduce yourself to person sitting next to you by telling them 3 really good things about you. Then get people to introduce their partners back to the whole group. Write up on flipchart – comment how great we all are etc… Knowing a person's name is an ice-breaker and opens the way for further conversation, in the work place or in social groups. Forgetting someone's name immediately after an introduction isn't necessarily an indication that you have a bad memory, or that there is nothing worthwhile remembering about the other person. Most people do forget. It is okay to ask again. Reasons why we forget: shy (nervous) - concentrating on other things - forget - more nervous - don't follow the conversation - forget more - nervous. This becomes a cycle. Be assertive - Just ask again. Brainstorm how to remember names. Examples: repeat it immediately; use it in the conversation; attach something to it; think and remember it later; constant contact; write it down.
- Divide into three groups and come up with definitions
- Priorities – ie deciding how you want to spend your time, not feeling pressured into things.
- Soap Opera characters Situation response cards to reinforce difference. Give handout
- Start off individual – then in small groups. Think of last time you got into a challenging situation with a young person. Choose one and work through this - What was the trigger? How did you feel? How did you behave? What was the outcome? How did you feel afterwards?
- Situational – Events, everyday ones as well as major one can trigger challenging behaviour. Some we can anticipate – for example situations which have caused tensions before - and intervene early to prevent it escalating. Some will be unknown to us – for example we won’t know if the young person has just argued with a parent before coming out. Maturational – crisis and stress experienced as young people move from one developmental stage to another. E.g relationship building, periods, body image etc..
- Get them to feedback and then describe what possible indicators are that a young person is about to lose their temper – record on flipchart.
- When you are faced with a situation learn to stop and reflect before responding: Immediately stop how you are thinking and acting at the first sign you are getting angry. If imagery helps you, imagine a big red stop sign. Practice deep breathing and/or repeat a relaxation cue Reflect and try to identify the emotional trigger that has set you off. Ask yourself: What thoughts are going through my head? How am I feeling? What is my body doing? Am I responding to a real problem or to an incomplete first impression? What do I want from the situation I'm faced with? (If your answer is "revenge", then ask yourself if the situation is really worth getting worked up about) What would the likely consequences be if I act out in an aggressive, angry way? What are alternative ways I could respond to this situation that might help resolve it rather than make it worse? Choose how you want to respond. Work to come up with an assertive response rather than an aggressive one. Then (and only then) ... Respond
- Which is the passive, aggressive and assertive approach? When would these be useful?
- Then read Gingernuts story
- Do quiz individually and then in pairs/ small groups look at areas where they feel most/least assertive. Place on a grid on flipchart – one end showing most other least. Feedback and discuss.
- (e.g. some people make the mistake of nodding their head when they are trying to say "No"!).
- Active Listening activity first
- Example 1: being asked to lend money Sarah: Jasmine: Sarah: Jasmine: Sarah: Jasmine:"Jane, can you lend me £10?""I can't lend you any money. I've run out.""I really need it, I'll pay you back.""I can't lend you any money. I've run out."I thought you were my friend.""I am your friend, but I can't lend you any money. I've run out."8 Example 2: returning faulty goodsShop assistant:Maya:Shop assistant: Maya: Shop assistant: Maya:"Good morning. How can I help you?" "Good morning. These trousers are faulty and I wouldlike a refund.""Do you want to change them for another pair?""No thank you. I would like a refund.""I can give you a credit note, is that O.K?""No thank you. These trousers are faulty and I would like a refund."
- Divide into 3’s – take turns in using one of the five techniques to be assertive in a situation. Observer watches and gives feedback on technique used and effectiveness.
- Usually people react to criticism by avoiding it, taking it to heart or reacting aggressively to it. Criticism can be helpful if it is specific, acknowledges positives, is calm, to the point, doesn't stereotype or label people and is focused on a person's behaviour rather than an attack on the person. Constructive criticism - Being open to constructive criticism can be tough at first. Remember, you too can make constructive criticism. This does not include blaming, put-downs or attempting to hurt someone to get what you want.
- If you can't take a break while under pressure, try these steps: Make intermittent eye contact with the person you're confronting. Don't stare. Staring is often perceived as aggressive. Use "I" statements to express your feelings or make a request. The goal is to let the other person know where you stand. When you're listening to what someone else has to say, listen actively. Don't "yes, but" them. When you "yes, but" someone, you turn the spotlight away from the person you are responding to and back onto yourself. State your needs and your common goals with the person. This can be difficult when feeling angry and defensive, but it is vital for creating an empathetic mood. Assess whether or not you've been heard. Did the person hear and understand what you? If so, continue your conversation. If not try restating yourself in a different way. Keep in mind that the person you are talking to may also have a problem controlling their anger, and may not be able to use the same control techniques you are using. If it seems that communication is impossible, disengage until another time. Refuse to be pushed into a premature reaction. If you need more time, buy that time by stalling. If your choice is to either lose control, or leave the situation, then choose to leave the situation. It is better to remain in control.