3. Objectives
• Why we don’t like difficult conversations
• No action Vs. Action
• 3 steps to handling difficult conversations
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 3
4. Why we don’t like difficult conversations
• Takes time
• Emotions (ours and theirs)
• Conflict
• Protection…
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 4
5. No action Vs. action (1/2)
No Action
• Problems escalate • More people get involved
• Legal complications • Cost of
time, money, resources
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 5
6. No action Vs. action (2/2)
Action
• Improved working
relationships, reputation
• More
productive, efficient, collab
oration
• Feel – fair process, listened
to - valued
• Develops your
skills, increased confidence
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 6
7. 3 Steps to handling difficult conversations
Step 1: Gain clarity
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 7
8. Separate feelings from the situation
I feel like saying… (negative) I should say… (positive)
I’m sick and tired of working 70 hours a I could use more support from my co-workers as I
week while you guys are playing golf every am unable to keep up with this challenging
other day. workload.
I should have been put on that project. That ?
person is completely incompetent.
You are not doing your work for this project ?
on purpose because you dislike me.
You think that this project is impossible and ?
that it can’t succeed. You just want me to
fail.
You need to start working harder. You are ?
lazy and I am going to have to fire you if you
don’t start producing.
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 8
9. Separate feelings from the situation
I feel like saying… (negative) I should say… (positive)
I’m sick and tired of working 70 hours a I could use more support from my co-workers as I
week while you guys are playing golf every am unable to keep up with this challenging
other day. workload.
I should have been put on that project. That I feel like I could contribute to that project in a
person is completely incompetent. meaningful way and would welcome the
opportunity to do so.
You are not doing your work for this project I need this project to get finished and your
on purpose because you dislike me. participation is crucial, can I count on you?
You think that this project is impossible and I recognize that I am taking some risks with this
that it can’t succeed. You just want me to new project. This is necessary if we want to try
fail. something new. I am hoping you can support me
with this initiative.
You need to start working harder. You are I have noticed your production is not meeting
lazy and I am going to have to fire you if you expectations. I need you to improve, your
don’t start producing. performance is affecting our overall team goal.
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 9
10. Make your message clear
Not clear Clear
You didn’t present that topic well. I would have found more detail to be helpful.
You need to improve your ?
communication skills.
You have a poor attitude. ?
Your work is not professional. ?
You’re not being strategic, and you’re ?
missing the mark.
Are you crazy? That’s a half baked ?
idea if I ever heard one.
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 10
11. Make your message clear
Not clear Clear
You didn’t present that topic well. I would have found more detail to be helpful.
You need to improve your Spend a little more time listening and paraphrasing the
communication skills. client’s needs.
You have a poor attitude. Try showing a little more enthusiasm towards this
project.
Your work is not professional. I think if your work was proof read and reviewed more
carefully before being presented to your clients, it would
be more effective.
You’re not being strategic, and you’re I think this project requires a more long term approach.
missing the mark. It would be better if your plan included a forecast of the
project over time.
Are you crazy? That’s a half baked I think this idea requires a little more thought. Have you
idea if I ever heard one. considered how this would work at our company?
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 11
12. Step 2
Overrule avoidance
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 12
13. Step 3
Deliver the message
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 13
14. Direct or Indirect Vs. Sensitive or Insensitive
Sensitive
4. It’s part of my job to point
out problems and ensure we’re 3. Is there any chance
as effective as possible. Lets there’s something here
work together to figure out you’re not seeing?
how to do that effectively.
Direct Indirect
2. You’re passing the
1. There is a problem with
buck, and you have to
the way you work.
change.
Insensitive
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 14
15. Your turn
Match statements to the relevant box
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 15
16. Direct or Indirect Vs. Sensitive or Insensitive
Sensitive
4. I received feedback that
3. Have you thought at all
others are having difficulties
about how you interact
working with you. Lets
with others?
explore how to change that.
Direct Indirect
2. People don’t like you, you 1. We have poor working
have to get better at relationships with each
working with others or else. other.
Insensitive
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 16
18. You Vs. I
‘You’ language (ineffective) ‘I’ language (effective)
You are constantly asking for I see the documentation procedures being
exceptions when it comes to sidestepped, and I want to explore with you how to
proper documentation. make it better. I would like to begin meeting with you
once a week to look at specific tension spots and
brainstorm solutions…
You are continually late and I have noticed that your meetings aren’t as effective
you show up unprepared for as the rest of the team’s, and I want to discuss how we
your meetings. can improve them. What do you think is important for
an effective meeting?
You aren’t collaborating with I received feedback that team projects aren’t getting
the rest of the team and much of everyone’s full attention and I would like to
you’ve managed to make change that so that every team member is helping
them all dislike you. them. Let’s talk about how we should be contributing
to these projects.
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 18
19. Overview
• Step 1: Gain clarity
• Step 2: Overrule Avoidance
• Step 3: Deliver the message
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 19
20. Objectives
• Why we don’t like difficult conversations
• No action Vs. Action
• 3 steps to handling difficult conversations
Difficult Conversations: April 2012 20
Do: IntroductionsVery informal learning session today. We are restricted by time but would like all to openly discuss and ask questions when they need to. "The art of leadership is saying no, not yes. It is very easy to say yes." --Tony BlairHandouts: n/aDuration: 2-3 mins http://www.bananaparkconsulting.com/Ideas/PARTNERing_for_Success.asp – go here for statistics“The art of communication is the language of leadership.“ – James Humes author and former presidential speechwriter.“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” – Anthony Robbins – American writer“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” ― Henry Winkler - American actor, director, producer, author
Do:Talk through.Duration: 30 sec
Read through the slide. Say: this session will provide you with some tools and techniques to help you with handling the difficult conversations.Duration: 30 sec
Ask: Why we don’t like difficult conversations Activity: facilitate group discussion. Flipchart responses.Find out what is the key driver for them that makes them avoid having difficult conversations.Duration: 2-5 min
…what happens when we don’t deal with them and when we do - repercussionsDuration: 2 min
Say: Now we are looking at the effects of managing and not managing performance.Read through slide.Duration: 1-2 min
Refer to slides 3, 4, 5 – so far we have talked about barriers or things that stop us dealing with difficult conversations. Now we’re going to talk through practical tools to help you deal with difficult conversations in a more positive and proactive way.Many of the barriers are related to emotions – negative emotions. To gain clarity we need to remove these emotions and the hold they have over us. Duration: 1-2 min
Activity:what is the positiveyou would say? Ask group to work in pairs and discuss.Handout: slide copy.Duration: 5-10 min
Note: What are the key differences between the 2 columns? Keep feedback objective and away from being personal. Ensure you’re stating what you would like to happen not what the problem is. I.E. be solution focused not problem focused. Enthuse and motivate people towards your goal when you can e.g. no. 3.Duration: 4 min
Say:Do you ever feel like you’re giving feedback to help someone and you feel they don’t understand what you’ve said? Could it be that your communication wasn’t clear to them? Activity – How would you phrase the statement in a more clear way? Ask group to work in pairs and discuss.Handout: slide copy.Duration: 5-10 min
Note: What are the key differences between the 2 columns? Be factual and not personal. Focus on what you see/hear/smell etc. Your belief will be different from another’s. Be specific e.g. ‘your work is not professional’ means different things to different people and therefore your comment will mean nothing to the recipient. Be solution focused not problem focused. Ask the other person for their thought on the subject e.g. no. 6 or, this is what I think, what do you think? Duration: 5 min (30 min)
Say: All the emotions and barriers we talked about at the beginning. Those are the things we have to overcome in order to transform that difficult conversation into an easier conversation. Some conversations will be difficult but that doesn’t mean we shy away from them. In fact, they are generally the conversations that will make a difference to your work relationships, and add the most value.Duration: 1-2 min
Duration: 1-3 min
Talk through slide. Vague, cant be certain who its directed to.2. threatening, most negative / aggressive method.Passive.Honest and assertive, gives an explanation as to why the change is needed and opens up involvement from the other person.Duration: 5 min
Activity: Give group example and let them decide which section the responses go in.Handout: statements from next slide required.Next slide for correct response.Duration: 5-10 min
Talk through slide. Vague, cant be certain who its directed to.2. threatening, most negative / aggressive method.Passive.Honest and assertive, gives an explanation as to why the change is needed and opens up involvement from the other person.It will take time and practice.Duration: 5 min
Duration: 2 min
1. The issue 2. Whatoutcome do I want3. How will we do itActivity: Ask group to think of an issue they have with their team, work in pairs to practice giving the feedback and having the conversation with that person. Handout: Copy of slide Duration: 10-15 min
Duration: 2 min
Duration: 2 min
Handout: Training evaluation formAll relevant handouts will be sent to them via email.Duration: 5-10 min Total Duration: 1hr, 10min
