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Handling Conflict with Confidence
This document provides guidance on handling employee conflict and difficult situations with confidence. It defines conflict as an opposition between contradictory impulses. Conflict occurs when people perceive a threat to their needs due to a disagreement. In the workplace, conflict can arise from interpersonal differences, team issues, limited resources, and organizational structures and roles. If not resolved, conflict can lead to poor performance and low morale. The document outlines different conflict management styles like collaboration, compromise, avoidance, and competition. It emphasizes the importance of listening, reflecting, interpreting, summarizing, and asking questions to have honest conversations. Feedback should also engage the other person, unpack issues, facilitate learning, discuss options, and agree on actions. Dealing with difficult people requires
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Handling Conflict with Confidence
- 1. C A TA L Y S T C O N S U L T I N G Handling employee conflict and difficult situations with complete confidence 2 2 n d F e b r u a r y 2 0 1 9 KATHY KRAUS DEPUTY MD
- 2. What is conflict ▪The word conflict has been derived from a Latin word ‘Conflicts’ which means ‘strike two things at the same time’ ▪ Conflict is an opposition or a tug-of-war between contradictory impulses ▪ ‘A conflict is the anticipated frustration entailed in the choice of either alternative’
- 3. When does conflictoccur ▪ Conflict occurs when people perceive that, as a consequence of a disagreement, there is a threat to their needs, interests or concerns ▪ Conflict occurs when more than one, equally powerful desires or motives present at the same
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- 5. Types of conflictin the workplace Interpersonal conflict Personal differences - up bringing, culture, education, experience, values and traditions Lack of information - often the result of a communication break down Team conflict New problems, values, people within the team Different goals between teams Limited resources - within and between teams Organisational conflict Structure and roles Leadership External forces – government, Eskom, SARS
- 6. What happens whenwe don’t resolve conflict
- 7. People cope withconflict differently Collaboration Compromise Competition Avoidance Accommodation I check out and don’t participate “Ostrich syndrome”I pick my battles I come up with fresh thinking, new ideas, better solutions I will win at all costs It’s my way or no way I always put other’s needs before my own I am not important I think of others needs / greater good before my own needs I can’t please everybody I always have to make a sacrifice I can resolve the most important issues I can’t make a decision until we all agreeI will find a win-win solution
- 8. We need toshift our mindset
- 9. We need tocommunicate better
- 10. Honest conversations requireskills ReflectListen Interpret Summarise FeedbackQuestion
- 11. Listen What we normallydo Listen to reply Interrupt Get ourselves ready to answer Filter everything Evaluate against our paradigms Want to be understood What we should do Listen to the verbal message (the facts) Listen to the non verbal message (mood, needs, beliefs, conflicts, feelings, language) Listen to the wider context and setting Be respectful Listen to understand Be patient Check our own perspectives and filters
- 12. Listen with empathy ▪“You feel…” ▪ “It is important for you…” ▪ “It seems as if…” ▪ “What bothers you is…” ▪ “From what you say it seems…” ▪ “It makes you feel…” ▪ “Are you saying…?”
- 13. Reflect ▪ Reflecting isone way of expressing to another that we recognise their internal frame of reference and their concerns. Reflecting Feelings ▪ Examples of reflecting feelings are: “In other words, you can’t stand him.” “He makes you feel guilty all the time.” “It really hurts to be rejected.” Reflecting Experience ▪ Examples are, “you are smiling (behaviour description); but I sense you are really hurting inside” (reflection of feeling). “You say you really care about her (description); but almost every time you talk about her you clench your fists (description); it seems you strongly resent her” (feeling) Reflecting Content ▪ Example, “Her remark really cut me.” You respond, “ It really hurt.”
- 14. Interpret ▪ Interpreting isan active process of explaining the meaning of events to a person so that they are able to see their problems in new ways. ▪ The main goal is to teach the person to interpret events in their lives by themselves. ▪ Interpreting is closely related to reflecting; the main difference being that interpreting adds your perspective to the persons’ basic message. Paraphrase to check your understanding Add your understanding of what his message means “Is this a fair statement…?” Keep the language simple (use their words) Offer ideas “The way I see it is…” “I wonder if…” “Try this one on for size…” Ask for feedback on your interpretations “Have I understood you correctly…”
- 15. Summarise Summarising involves a processof tying together into one statement several ideas and feelings at the end of a discussion unit or the end of a session. ▪ Gives the person a feeling of movement in exploring ideas and feelings, as well as awareness of progress in learning and problem solving. ▪ Helps to finish a session on a natural note ▪ Helps to clarify and focus a series of scattered ideas, ▪ Helps to clear the way to go on to a new idea. ▪ Helps to reassuring the person that you have been tuned in to his messages all along.
- 16. Ask questions ▪ Usemore open, rather than closed, questions to encourage sharing more personal feelings and thoughts. Open questions usually begin with the “W” words: ▪ Of these, “what” is probably the most powerful question, since it is the most open of all and leads to the greatest disclosure of new information by the other person? You may want to put the “What” into a phrase such as: ▪ When you wish to deepen a relationship it is recommended that “Why” questions are avoided (they imply criticism and threats). Closed questions usually begin with a verb, such as: ▪ “Can…?”, “Is it…?”, “Do you…?” “Don’t you think…?” “Have you…?” ▪ Confirming information: ‘Have I got that right?’ ▪ Moving the conversation along: ‘Can we continue?’ ▪ Closing a conversation down: ‘Have we finished?”
- 17. Ask questions –some examples Purpose Coaching examples Gather general information ‘Can you tell me more about what happened with her?’ ‘Could you say more about that?’ ‘What else is there to say about that?’ Gather specific information ‘Specifically, what was it about her that you didn’t like?’ ‘Can you tell me what she actually s aid?’ ‘What words did she use that upset you?’ Shift someone’s attention to the present moment, e.g. if they’re becoming angry about something and you want them to relax a little. ‘Okay, what else do you want to say about that to me right now?’ ‘So, what seems important about that right now?’ ‘Can you think of any other information that would be relevant about that for us here, now?’ Understand someone’s values. ‘What was it about her words that upset you?’ ‘What is important to you about that?’ ‘What would you have wanted her to say?’ ‘What do you value in this relationship?’ Help someone appreciate another person’s values. ‘What was important to her in this situation?’ ‘What might be her reasons for acting like that?’ Help someone appreciate something from someone else’s perspective. ‘What do you think her experience was?’ ‘What might she be feeling at that point?’ ‘What might her intention have been?’ Help someone come to a conclusion ‘What are your thoughts about that now?’ ‘What is the conclusion you are drawing about that now?’ Influence someone to action. ‘What could you do about that right now?’ Prepare someone to overcome barriers to taking action. ‘What might stop you from doing that?’ (follow-up) ‘So how will you overcome that?’ Influence someone to think about a situation positively. ‘How have you benefited from this?’ ‘What will you get by sorting this whole matter out now?’ ‘What’s the positive/up side of this?’ Influence someone to think about the effects of an action. ‘What are the risks associated with your action? ‘How will this affect your other colleagues?’ ‘Who else is affected by this?’ Help someone gain learning from an event or circumstance. ‘How has talking this through affected your views on the situation?’ ‘What learning have you taken from this?’ ‘How would you react if that kind of situation happened again?’
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- 19. Why do weget it so wrong Under pressure We wing it
- 20. A framework forhonest conversations 1. Engage 2. Unpack 3. Learn 4. Options 5. Action
- 21. Honest conversations –some examples Thanks for making time •How was ... •I’d like to chat about happened last week •What happened was difficult/hurtful/awkward •Reflecting back on the situation, I can see how I played a part •I am sorry for ... •I’d like to find a win-win solution or way forward How I felt was ... •How did you feel? •I understand •I felt I had lost ... •What did you feel you lost? •I understand •My intent was ..., but it seems my impact was ... •What was your intent and impact? •I understand In hindsight, we are most wise •If we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently? •How could we think /feel differently? •How could we act differently •What incorrect assumptions did we perhaps make? •What can be developed / worked on by me to prevent this happening again? So where to from here? •I would like to prevent this happening again •I would like to rebuild the trust •What can I do to start building the relationship? •What else? •Can I suggest that … Thanks for all the suggestions •Can we agree to ...? •I know it may take time, but I am willing to ... •Is there anything else? •I really appreciate your time and willingness to work through this •I look forward to ... Engage Unpack Learn Options Action •Build rapport •Explain what happened from the observer view •Offer that you played a part – apology? •Unpack feelings •Unpack loss vs.. gain •Unpack intent vs.. impact •If we could have this situation over: how could we do it differently? •What can I work on to prevent this happening again? •Decide on what we can/can’t live with •Decide on what you are willing to sacrifice / let go of to move forward •Forgive and forget •Agree specific actions •Focus on building trust and relationship
- 22. Dealing with difficultpeople
- 23. GLAD MAD SAD BAD FEAR CHOICE = RESPOND= VICTOR (respons-able, learn, adapt, grow) NO CHOICE = REACT = VICTIM (moan, defend, blame, complain) Personal Power VICTOR (powerful) VICTIM (powerless) Dealing with difficult people Choice?
- 24. Dealing with difficultpeople ▪ Different ideas ▪ That’s a great addition. Let explore more how we can integrate these 2 ideas. ▪ That’s quite different to what I had in mind, can you tell me more about how that would work ▪ It looks like our objectives may differ slightly. You need xyz, we need abc. Is there some way to address both these objectives with a combination of approaches? ▪ Also a great idea. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each and then make a choice or maybe choose the best of both
- 25. Dealing with difficultpeople ▪ Challenges/Concerns ▪ I understand/hear your concerns. Lets explore the concerns and see if they are manageable, and at the same time, lets all put alternative suggestions on the table ▪ Of course there is always a better way of doing things and I am keen to deliver the best xxx . Let’s check our assumptions or perceptions about the client’s needs before deciding what idea may work the best ▪ That’s an important point / I see your point / You have a point … help me understand more about the needs that you have ▪ That’s fair comment. In summary it seems that you would like abc and we are suggesting xyz. Lets arrange a discussion to ensure we are on the same page
- 26. Dealing with difficultpeople ▪ Attacks ▪ I can understand your frustration. There have been numerous reasons for this going “pear-shaped”, some of which we take full responsibility for, but also many of which are beyond our control. Lets not dwell on the past or who’s to blame. Lets rather learn our lessons and focus on getting it right this time. ▪ I realise that this has a huge impact on your department. I’d like to explore with you a way to make it work that works for you. ▪ Ouch! Lets keep this discussion constructive. Any alternative ideas or how we can build on the ideas presented so far? ▪ I’m sure our meeting ground rules don’t include …. Lets focus on what the client needs and the best way to deliver that
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- 28. Contact Us Kathy Kraus Phone+27 73 201 2024 Email Kathy@catalystconsulting.co.za Web www.catalystconsulting.co.za Follow us Catalyst Consulting South Africa Catalyst Consulting Pty Ltd CatalystSA