SlideShare a Scribd company logo
Crucial Conversations
    Tools for talking when stakes are high
    By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler

Chapter 1: What is a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares?
When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions start to run strong, casual
conversations become crucial. Ironically, the more crucial the conversation, the less likely
we are to handle it well. The consequence of either avoiding or fouling up crucial
conversations can be severe. When we fail a crucial conversation, every aspect of our
lives can be affected-from our careers, to communities, to relationships, to our personal
health.
As we learn how to step up to crucial conversations – and handle them well – with one set
of skills we can influence virtually every domain of our lives.
What is this all-important skill-set?        What do people who sail through crucial
conversations actually do? More importantly can we do it too?

Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations. The Power of Dialogue
Focus for the remainder of the book:
•  The tools people use to help create conditions of dialogue. The focus is how we think
   about the problem situations and what we do to prepare for them. You will learn how
   to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least
   resistance.
•  The tools for talking, listening, and acting together. You will learn the key skills of
   talking, listening and acting together.
•  Tie all of the theories and skills together by providing both a model and an extended
   example. You will master the tools for talking when the stakes are high.

Chapter 3: Start with the Heart. How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want
Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals-particularly
when the going gets tough.

Work on Me First
      •  Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself.

Focus on What You Really Want
       •  When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay
          attention to your motives.
           • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives
           are?”
           • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for
           myself? For others? For the relationship?”
           • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?”
Refuse the Sucker’s Choice
      •   As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a
          Sucker’s Choice.
           • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between
           peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on.
           • Break free of these Sucker’s Choices by searching for the and.
             •  Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your
             brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
Chapter 4: Learn to Look. How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk
When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and
why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact
opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under
Stress. To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look
             • Learn to look at content and conditions.
            •   Look for when things become crucial.
            •   Learn to watch for safety problems.
            •   Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
            •   Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.

Chapter 5: Make it Safe. How to Make
    It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything
Step Out
When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe.
When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk
          • Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this
          conversation? Do they trust your motives?
          • Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them?
Apologize When Appropriate
           • When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize.
Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
            • When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use
            Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what
            you do intent or mean.
CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose
            • When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual
            Purpose.
                 •     Commit to seek Mutual Purpose
                 •     Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
                 •     Invent a Mutual Purpose.
                 •     Brainstorm new strategies.

Chapter 6: Master My Stories. How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry,
      Scared, or Hurt
If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this.

Retrace Your Path
Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what
you’re really doing.
              • Am I some form of silence or violence?
            • Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions
            behind your story.
            • What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
•  Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other
             possible explanations behind your story.
             • What story is creating these emotions?
Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard
facts and your invented story.
             • What evidence do I have to support this story?
Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list.

Tell the Rest of the Story
Ask:
            • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
             •   Why would a reasonable, rational, & decent person do this?
             •   What do I really want?
             •   What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

Chapter 7: STATE My Path. How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively
When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own
rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path:
             • Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive
             elements from your Path to Action.
             • Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
             •  Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and
             their stories.
             • Talk tentatively. State your story as a story-don’t disguise it as a fact.
             • Encourage testing.      Make it safe for others to express differing or even
             opposing views.

Chapter 8: Explore Others’ Paths. How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam
     Up
To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind,
explore their Paths to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps
restore safety.
Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its
origins.
             • Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
             •  Mirror.  Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions
             people appear to be feeling.
             • Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what
             you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for
             them to share what they’re thinking.
             • Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at
             what they may be thinking and feeling.

As you being to share your view, remember:
           • Agree. Agree when you do.
             •   Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build.
• Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are
             wrong. Compare your two views.

Chapter 9: Move to Action. How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and
     Results
Turn your successful crucial conversations into great decisions and united action by
avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction.

Decide How to Decide
          • Command. Decisions are made without involving others.
             •   Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides.
             •   Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision.
             •  Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final
             decision.

Finish Clearly
Determine who does what by when. Make the deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up
time. Record the commitments and then follow-up. Finally, hold people accountable to
their promises.

Chapter 10: Putting it All Together. Tools for Preparing and Learning
If we first learn to recognize when safety is at risk and conversation becomes crucial
(Learn to Look) and that we need to take steps to Make It Safe for everyone to contribute
to his or her meaning, we can begin to see where to apply the skills we’ve learned. A
visual model can also help us see where the principles and skills are needed.
Using the tools and reminders will get us started in mastering the skills that help us
improve our crucial conversations.

Chapter 11: Yeah, But. Advice for Tough Choices
Let’s assume this person is pretty bad all of the time and with most everyone. Where do
you start? Let’s apply a metaphor here. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a
time. Choose your targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions:
    1) What bothers you the most? “He or she is constantly assuming the worst and
        telling horrible stories.”
    2) What might be the easiest to work on?              “He or she rarely shows any
        appreciation.”

Look for those areas that are most grievous to you and might not be all that hard to talk
about. Pick one element and work on it. Establish Mutual Purpose. Frame the
conversation in a way that the other person will care about.
“I love it when we’re feeling friendly toward each other. I’d like to have that feeling more
frequently between us. There are a couple of things I’d like to talk about that I’m pretty
convinced would help us with that. Can we talk?”
STATE the issue, and then work on the one issue. Don’t nag; don’t take on everything at
once. Deal with one element, one day at a time.

Chapter 12: Change Your Life. How to Turn Ideas into Habit
Pick a relationship; pick a conversation. Let others know that you’re trying to do better,
then give it a shot. When you blow it, admit it. Don’t expect perfection; aim for
progress. And when you succeed, celebrate your success. Finally, when the chance
arises, help others do the same. Help strengthen organizations, solidify families, heal
communities, and shore up nations one person – one crucial conversation – at a time.




                     Path of Dialogue Model

                                               Safety




                                          Mutual Meaning
                                     Check out Left-Hand Columns

                            Safety                                    Safety

                                           Mutual Respect
                                          Advocate in ways
                                           that make it safe
                                             to respond.
                                         inquire in ways that
                                         make it safe to share


                                            Mutual Purpose
                                             Enter dialogue
                                        through Mutual Purpose

            Silence                      Start with me first!                     Violence

      Withdrawing    Avoiding Masking                           Controlling      Labeling Attacking




                            “Path of Meaning”
       Dif f er ence bet w een obser vat ion, conclusion, f eeling, and behavio r s/ act ions.

  They behave.         I observe.               I conclude/                    I feel.            I behave.
                                                assumption.

                                              The meaning you
                                              assign to the action.




                                                                                                Action
   Event
communities, and shore up nations one person – one crucial conversation – at a time.




                     Path of Dialogue Model

                                               Safety




                                          Mutual Meaning
                                     Check out Left-Hand Columns

                            Safety                                    Safety

                                           Mutual Respect
                                          Advocate in ways
                                           that make it safe
                                             to respond.
                                         inquire in ways that
                                         make it safe to share


                                            Mutual Purpose
                                             Enter dialogue
                                        through Mutual Purpose

            Silence                      Start with me first!                     Violence

      Withdrawing    Avoiding Masking                           Controlling      Labeling Attacking




                            “Path of Meaning”
       Dif f er ence bet w een obser vat ion, conclusion, f eeling, and behavio r s/ act ions.

  They behave.         I observe.               I conclude/                    I feel.            I behave.
                                                assumption.

                                              The meaning you
                                              assign to the action.




                                                                                                Action
   Event

More Related Content

What's hot

Crucial Conversations PowerPoint
Crucial Conversations PowerPointCrucial Conversations PowerPoint
Crucial Conversations PowerPoint
Gavin Zeff
 
Adversity Quotient-Book Summary
Adversity Quotient-Book SummaryAdversity Quotient-Book Summary
Adversity Quotient-Book Summary
Stephen Siregar
 
Crucial conversations in a nutshell
Crucial conversations in a nutshellCrucial conversations in a nutshell
Crucial conversations in a nutshell
Horia Constantin
 
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters MostCrucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
InnoTech
 
Crucial conversations deadwood presentation
Crucial conversations deadwood presentationCrucial conversations deadwood presentation
Crucial conversations deadwood presentation
mstock18494
 
Influencing skills
Influencing skillsInfluencing skills
Influencing skills
Alan Barker
 
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask YourselfManaging Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
Barbara Greene
 
Negotiation Skills
Negotiation SkillsNegotiation Skills
Negotiation Skills
ProfessorUrich
 
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
Signature HealthCARE Spirituality Pillar
 
Difficult Conversations
Difficult ConversationsDifficult Conversations
Effective Communication
Effective CommunicationEffective Communication
Effective Communication
terrajacobson
 
Negotiation Skills
Negotiation SkillsNegotiation Skills
Negotiation Skills
Manesha Kodituwakku
 
Critical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
Critical Thinking: Building Good JudgementCritical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
Critical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
Prasenjit Mitra
 
Dealing with difficult conversations at work
Dealing with difficult conversations at work Dealing with difficult conversations at work
Dealing with difficult conversations at work
Richard Riche
 
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking SkillsProblem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
Hj Mohamad Idrakisyah
 
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
HRDQ-U
 
Crucial Conversations PG
Crucial Conversations PGCrucial Conversations PG
Crucial Conversations PG
Gavin Zeff
 
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLEDEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
guest1a9b1
 
Crucial Conversations Facil Guide
Crucial Conversations Facil GuideCrucial Conversations Facil Guide
Crucial Conversations Facil Guide
Gavin Zeff
 
Dealing with difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people at workDealing with difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people at work
Jackie Woodside, MSW, LICSW, CPC
 

What's hot (20)

Crucial Conversations PowerPoint
Crucial Conversations PowerPointCrucial Conversations PowerPoint
Crucial Conversations PowerPoint
 
Adversity Quotient-Book Summary
Adversity Quotient-Book SummaryAdversity Quotient-Book Summary
Adversity Quotient-Book Summary
 
Crucial conversations in a nutshell
Crucial conversations in a nutshellCrucial conversations in a nutshell
Crucial conversations in a nutshell
 
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters MostCrucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
Crucial Conversations: Effective Communication When It Matters Most
 
Crucial conversations deadwood presentation
Crucial conversations deadwood presentationCrucial conversations deadwood presentation
Crucial conversations deadwood presentation
 
Influencing skills
Influencing skillsInfluencing skills
Influencing skills
 
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask YourselfManaging Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
Managing Difficult Conversations:9 Questions to Ask Yourself
 
Negotiation Skills
Negotiation SkillsNegotiation Skills
Negotiation Skills
 
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
Handling Difficult Conversations: Patterson’s Model for Dialogue When Stakes ...
 
Difficult Conversations
Difficult ConversationsDifficult Conversations
Difficult Conversations
 
Effective Communication
Effective CommunicationEffective Communication
Effective Communication
 
Negotiation Skills
Negotiation SkillsNegotiation Skills
Negotiation Skills
 
Critical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
Critical Thinking: Building Good JudgementCritical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
Critical Thinking: Building Good Judgement
 
Dealing with difficult conversations at work
Dealing with difficult conversations at work Dealing with difficult conversations at work
Dealing with difficult conversations at work
 
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking SkillsProblem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
Problem Solving & Critical Thinking Skills
 
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
Navigating Difficult Conversations: Deliver Your Message with Poise, Empathy ...
 
Crucial Conversations PG
Crucial Conversations PGCrucial Conversations PG
Crucial Conversations PG
 
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLEDEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
 
Crucial Conversations Facil Guide
Crucial Conversations Facil GuideCrucial Conversations Facil Guide
Crucial Conversations Facil Guide
 
Dealing with difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people at workDealing with difficult people at work
Dealing with difficult people at work
 

Similar to Summary crucial conversations

Working with difficult people
Working with difficult peopleWorking with difficult people
Working with difficult people
angelgate
 
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
Scott Welch
 
Business communication
Business communicationBusiness communication
Business communication
Aditya Prakash
 
module 8.pptx
module 8.pptxmodule 8.pptx
module 8.pptx
MirzaArslaan
 
Wood Badge - Managing Conflict
Wood Badge - Managing ConflictWood Badge - Managing Conflict
Wood Badge - Managing Conflict
John Green
 
Conflict-Resolution.ppt
Conflict-Resolution.pptConflict-Resolution.ppt
Conflict-Resolution.ppt
drayeshasadaf
 
Conflict Management Kn
Conflict Management  KnConflict Management  Kn
Conflict Management Kn
IbrahimFares
 
The 7 Habits
The 7 HabitsThe 7 Habits
The 7 Habits
flutesusan
 
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough ConversationsDavidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
Mark S. Young
 
Conflict management
Conflict managementConflict management
Conflict management
Jennifer Buchholz
 
conflict_resolution_708.ppt
conflict_resolution_708.pptconflict_resolution_708.ppt
conflict_resolution_708.ppt
PallaviSharma369
 
The 7 habits of highly effective teens
The 7 habits of highly effective teensThe 7 habits of highly effective teens
The 7 habits of highly effective teens
Fatima Islam
 
Self confidence
Self confidenceSelf confidence
Self confidence
David Rainbow
 
Maximizing Interpersonal Skills
Maximizing Interpersonal SkillsMaximizing Interpersonal Skills
Listening skills
Listening skills Listening skills
Listening skills
Arvind Rai
 
Assertiveness
AssertivenessAssertiveness
Assertiveness
Mahmoud Shaqria
 
iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
 iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
iCAADEvents
 
Effective Conflict Resolution
Effective Conflict Resolution Effective Conflict Resolution
Effective Conflict Resolution
Joyce Marter
 
Rogers Extra Materials .pdf
Rogers Extra Materials .pdfRogers Extra Materials .pdf
Rogers Extra Materials .pdf
Emilybundy
 
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docxThe Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
cherry686017
 

Similar to Summary crucial conversations (20)

Working with difficult people
Working with difficult peopleWorking with difficult people
Working with difficult people
 
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
Assertiveness and tactfullness may 16th, 2013
 
Business communication
Business communicationBusiness communication
Business communication
 
module 8.pptx
module 8.pptxmodule 8.pptx
module 8.pptx
 
Wood Badge - Managing Conflict
Wood Badge - Managing ConflictWood Badge - Managing Conflict
Wood Badge - Managing Conflict
 
Conflict-Resolution.ppt
Conflict-Resolution.pptConflict-Resolution.ppt
Conflict-Resolution.ppt
 
Conflict Management Kn
Conflict Management  KnConflict Management  Kn
Conflict Management Kn
 
The 7 Habits
The 7 HabitsThe 7 Habits
The 7 Habits
 
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough ConversationsDavidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
Davidson Alumni Webinar - Tough Conversations
 
Conflict management
Conflict managementConflict management
Conflict management
 
conflict_resolution_708.ppt
conflict_resolution_708.pptconflict_resolution_708.ppt
conflict_resolution_708.ppt
 
The 7 habits of highly effective teens
The 7 habits of highly effective teensThe 7 habits of highly effective teens
The 7 habits of highly effective teens
 
Self confidence
Self confidenceSelf confidence
Self confidence
 
Maximizing Interpersonal Skills
Maximizing Interpersonal SkillsMaximizing Interpersonal Skills
Maximizing Interpersonal Skills
 
Listening skills
Listening skills Listening skills
Listening skills
 
Assertiveness
AssertivenessAssertiveness
Assertiveness
 
iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
 iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
iCAAD London 2019 - Dufflyn Lammers - RESILIENCE GAMES
 
Effective Conflict Resolution
Effective Conflict Resolution Effective Conflict Resolution
Effective Conflict Resolution
 
Rogers Extra Materials .pdf
Rogers Extra Materials .pdfRogers Extra Materials .pdf
Rogers Extra Materials .pdf
 
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docxThe Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
The Interview Discovering Difference and Working Towa.docx
 

Summary crucial conversations

  • 1. Crucial Conversations Tools for talking when stakes are high By Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler Chapter 1: What is a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares? When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions start to run strong, casual conversations become crucial. Ironically, the more crucial the conversation, the less likely we are to handle it well. The consequence of either avoiding or fouling up crucial conversations can be severe. When we fail a crucial conversation, every aspect of our lives can be affected-from our careers, to communities, to relationships, to our personal health. As we learn how to step up to crucial conversations – and handle them well – with one set of skills we can influence virtually every domain of our lives. What is this all-important skill-set? What do people who sail through crucial conversations actually do? More importantly can we do it too? Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations. The Power of Dialogue Focus for the remainder of the book: • The tools people use to help create conditions of dialogue. The focus is how we think about the problem situations and what we do to prepare for them. You will learn how to create conditions in yourself and others that make dialogue the path of least resistance. • The tools for talking, listening, and acting together. You will learn the key skills of talking, listening and acting together. • Tie all of the theories and skills together by providing both a model and an extended example. You will master the tools for talking when the stakes are high. Chapter 3: Start with the Heart. How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want Here’s how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on their goals-particularly when the going gets tough. Work on Me First • Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. Focus on What You Really Want • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. • Ask yourself: “What does my behavior tell me about what my motives are?” • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: “What do I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?” • And finally, ask: “How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?” Refuse the Sucker’s Choice • As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Sucker’s Choice. • Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing, and so on. • Break free of these Sucker’s Choices by searching for the and. • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
  • 2. Chapter 4: Learn to Look. How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk When caught up in a crucial conversation, it’s difficult to see exactly what’s going on and why. When a discussion starts to become stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works. We turn to the less healthy components of our Style Under Stress. To break from this insidious cycle, Learn to Look • Learn to look at content and conditions. • Look for when things become crucial. • Learn to watch for safety problems. • Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence. • Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress. Chapter 5: Make it Safe. How to Make It Safe to Talk about Almost Anything Step Out When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make it Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue. Decide Which Condition of Safety Is at Risk • Mutual Purpose. Do others believe you care about their goals in this conversation? Do they trust your motives? • Mutual Respect. Do others believe you respect them? Apologize When Appropriate • When you’ve clearly violated respect, apologize. Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding • When others misunderstand either your purpose or your intent, use Contrasting. Start with what you don’t intend or mean. Then explain what you do intent or mean. CRIB to Get to Mutual Purpose • When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose. • Commit to seek Mutual Purpose • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. • Invent a Mutual Purpose. • Brainstorm new strategies. Chapter 6: Master My Stories. How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt If strong emotions are keeping you stuck in silence or violence, try this. Retrace Your Path Notice your behavior. If you find yourself moving away from dialogue, ask yourself what you’re really doing. • Am I some form of silence or violence? • Get in touch with your feelings. Learn to accurately identify the emotions behind your story. • What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
  • 3. • Analyze your stories. Question your conclusions and look for other possible explanations behind your story. • What story is creating these emotions? Get back to the facts. Abandon your absolute certainty by distinguishing between hard facts and your invented story. • What evidence do I have to support this story? Watch for clever stories. Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories sit at the top of the list. Tell the Rest of the Story Ask: • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? • Why would a reasonable, rational, & decent person do this? • What do I really want? • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results? Chapter 7: STATE My Path. How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively When you have a tough message to share, or when you are so convinced of your own rightness that you may push too hard, remember to STATE your path: • Share your facts. Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action. • Tell your story. Explain what you’re beginning to conclude. • Ask for others’ paths. Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories. • Talk tentatively. State your story as a story-don’t disguise it as a fact. • Encourage testing. Make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views. Chapter 8: Explore Others’ Paths. How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up To encourage the free flow of meaning and help others leave silence or violence behind, explore their Paths to Action. Start with an attitude of curiosity and patience. This helps restore safety. Then, use four powerful listening skills to retrace the other person’s Path to Action to its origins. • Ask. Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. • Mirror. Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. • Paraphrase. As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard to show not just that you understand, but also that it’s safe for them to share what they’re thinking. • Prime. If others continue to hold back, prime. Take your best guess at what they may be thinking and feeling. As you being to share your view, remember: • Agree. Agree when you do. • Build. If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build.
  • 4. • Compare. When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your two views. Chapter 9: Move to Action. How to Turn Crucial Conversations into Action and Results Turn your successful crucial conversations into great decisions and united action by avoiding the two traps of violated expectations and inaction. Decide How to Decide • Command. Decisions are made without involving others. • Consult. Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides. • Vote. An agreed-upon percentage swings the decision. • Consensus. Everyone comes to an agreement and then supports the final decision. Finish Clearly Determine who does what by when. Make the deliverables crystal clear. Set a follow-up time. Record the commitments and then follow-up. Finally, hold people accountable to their promises. Chapter 10: Putting it All Together. Tools for Preparing and Learning If we first learn to recognize when safety is at risk and conversation becomes crucial (Learn to Look) and that we need to take steps to Make It Safe for everyone to contribute to his or her meaning, we can begin to see where to apply the skills we’ve learned. A visual model can also help us see where the principles and skills are needed. Using the tools and reminders will get us started in mastering the skills that help us improve our crucial conversations. Chapter 11: Yeah, But. Advice for Tough Choices Let’s assume this person is pretty bad all of the time and with most everyone. Where do you start? Let’s apply a metaphor here. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Choose your targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions: 1) What bothers you the most? “He or she is constantly assuming the worst and telling horrible stories.” 2) What might be the easiest to work on? “He or she rarely shows any appreciation.” Look for those areas that are most grievous to you and might not be all that hard to talk about. Pick one element and work on it. Establish Mutual Purpose. Frame the conversation in a way that the other person will care about. “I love it when we’re feeling friendly toward each other. I’d like to have that feeling more frequently between us. There are a couple of things I’d like to talk about that I’m pretty convinced would help us with that. Can we talk?” STATE the issue, and then work on the one issue. Don’t nag; don’t take on everything at once. Deal with one element, one day at a time. Chapter 12: Change Your Life. How to Turn Ideas into Habit Pick a relationship; pick a conversation. Let others know that you’re trying to do better, then give it a shot. When you blow it, admit it. Don’t expect perfection; aim for progress. And when you succeed, celebrate your success. Finally, when the chance arises, help others do the same. Help strengthen organizations, solidify families, heal
  • 5. communities, and shore up nations one person – one crucial conversation – at a time. Path of Dialogue Model Safety Mutual Meaning Check out Left-Hand Columns Safety Safety Mutual Respect Advocate in ways that make it safe to respond. inquire in ways that make it safe to share Mutual Purpose Enter dialogue through Mutual Purpose Silence Start with me first! Violence Withdrawing Avoiding Masking Controlling Labeling Attacking “Path of Meaning” Dif f er ence bet w een obser vat ion, conclusion, f eeling, and behavio r s/ act ions. They behave. I observe. I conclude/ I feel. I behave. assumption. The meaning you assign to the action. Action Event
  • 6. communities, and shore up nations one person – one crucial conversation – at a time. Path of Dialogue Model Safety Mutual Meaning Check out Left-Hand Columns Safety Safety Mutual Respect Advocate in ways that make it safe to respond. inquire in ways that make it safe to share Mutual Purpose Enter dialogue through Mutual Purpose Silence Start with me first! Violence Withdrawing Avoiding Masking Controlling Labeling Attacking “Path of Meaning” Dif f er ence bet w een obser vat ion, conclusion, f eeling, and behavio r s/ act ions. They behave. I observe. I conclude/ I feel. I behave. assumption. The meaning you assign to the action. Action Event