This document outlines Semira Rahemtulla's presentation on effective communication. The presentation agenda includes sections on disclosure and vulnerability, feedback and influence, and working agreements. The presentation teaches that sharing feelings and emotions conveys important information and is an early warning system. It also discusses how to give and receive feedback in a way that minimizes defensiveness, such as by focusing on specific behaviors, describing the impact, and asking about intentions. The goal is to have open communication that allows for personal and professional growth.

1. Effective Communication
Semira Rahemtulla
October 9, 2015

2. Who am I?
Most recently…
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
Previously…
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ Vividence
(Acq by Keynote)
• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. Who are you?

4. Why am I doing this?

5. With special thanks to…

6. Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 1 60 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 2 50 mins
Closing 10 mins
TOTAL ~3 hrs
Agenda

7. I will…
– Give you my best
– Take breaks
– End on time
– Send you slides & further reading
What else would be helpful for you?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

8. I ask you to…
Respect
confidentiality
Photo by Vox Efx [link]
Working Agreements

9. I ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Working Agreements

10. I ask you to…
Minimize
distractions
Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]
Working Agreements

11. Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link]
I ask you to…
Wait for breaks &
Return on time
Working Agreements

12. I ask you to…
– Challenge yourself
– Respect confidentiality
– Minimize distractions
– Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

13. One Big Idea

14. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

15. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

16. Disclosure & Vulnerability

17. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

18. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

19. Feedback & Influence

20. Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/
PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e
BLIND

21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

22. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

23. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

24. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

25. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

26. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Aarjav, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Aarjav, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are
clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Aarjav, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with
this presentation.

29. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

30. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

31. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

32. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

33. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
• Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area
• Communication & Management
– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language
choices, communication style in front of others, transparency of
project status, hiring/firing/promotions
• Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact
others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about?
Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

34. Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Challenge Yourself

35. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 