The document discusses how to effectively communicate feedback and foster vulnerability within teams. It emphasizes focusing feedback on specific, observable behaviors rather than general criticisms, describing the impact on one's own feelings, and asking about the other person's perspective. Examples are provided of reframing feedback to minimize defensiveness. Additional topics covered include cultivating appreciation, managing one's own reactions to feedback, agreeing on next steps, and fostering a feedback-rich culture through training and scheduled feedback sessions.
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All the concepts presented in the workshop on leadership, communication, and effective teams held at InnerSpace in San Francisco on September 29, 2015.
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http://www.radicalcandor.com/
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Types of feedback, written and verbal feedback, 360 degree feedback. Giving and receiving feedback
Feedback guidelines, good and bad feedback messages.
This speech is an attempt I made to understand through an objective lens how we as a people form impressions of one another. I delivered this speech at toastmasters meeting.
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A feedback culture is based on the competence of people in receiving feedback. We tend to focus a lot on the skill of giving feedback. The true ( inner ) development lies in the competence of receiving feedback.
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5. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure
7. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers
was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders
9. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
10. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)
11. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ
14. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
Your spec is disorganized and incomplete. And
because of that, we’re now at a point where the
feature won’t get done on time.
I need you to fix the spec like we talked about so
we can get the project on track.”
15. My Feedback Dilemma
“You’re not handling the claims project very well.
96%Chance of
Defensiveness
Harsh Startup
16. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?
18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Stay on your side of the net!
19. Better feedback for Bob?
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
You didn’t change the spec like we discussed
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I’m feeling concerned about the project and getting it done
on schedule
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
20. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t
respond very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And
I’ve noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.
21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Setup
1. Check in
– “Is now a good time?”
2. Soft Start
– Do not use praise to buffer criticism (“The Sandwich”)
– Do emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
“My intention is…… / This matters to me because…”
25. #1 Factor for Happiness
on the Job:
Feeling appreciated
-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees
26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityCultivate a Culture of Appreciation
1. Create a space for it
2. Lead by example
27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Help the other person feel heard
– Ask clarifying questions
– Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding
• Acknowledge your feelings
– Manage your own defensiveness: “Affect Labeling”
– Disclose your reactions, thoughts, feelings
• Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”
28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityEnd with Agreements
• Make requests
– What are we going to try / do differently going forward?
• Be specific
• Discuss the error case
– What can we do if someone doesn’t do their part of the
agreement?
29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
30. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress
31. Fostering a feedback-rich culture
• Train your team on giving/receiving feedback
• Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin
1:1s with two-way feedback)
– And set expectations of others to do the same
Introduce ourselves here
“as founders of this non-profit we’ve been doing this workshop w/ 500ish founders in the past 15months; first time w/ investors”
“We believe these skills help founders build more successful companies”
“…highest-performing managers show more warmth and fondness towards others than do the bottom 25%. They get closer to people, they’re significantly more open in sharing thoughts and feelings than their low-performing counterparts.
Note that they also scored high on “thinking” and a need to have power and influence over others, but that didn’t distinguish them from the bottom quartile.
Awareness & Regulation
Within the group and with other groups (in relationship to other groups)
-rest of the workshop is on feedback & influence in 2 parts
Why is feedback scary? [discussion]
-can feel like an attack
-other person can feel controlled
-other person can get defensive, have feelings hurt
It’s “scary” but doesn’t pose any physical threat to us (most of the time!), so there must be something going on our in brains that are making us scared of giving critical feedback
I’d like everyone to pause for a moment. In your 2-min introduction, think about what you chose to say… and what you chose not to say.
Out of your entire life – your past, your future, your personal life, your hobbies, everything there is to know about you as a person… what did you choose to share. Why? pause
What decisions did you make about what was relevant or interesting or safe to share with this person in this context?
Now you’re going to introduce yourself again… and this time I want you to step outside of your comfort zone and share something you didn’t the first time. Imagine my hand on your back gently encouraging you to challenge yourself a bit.
I’d like everyone to pause for a moment. In your 2-min introduction, think about what you chose to say… and what you chose not to say.
Out of your entire life – your past, your future, your personal life, your hobbies, everything there is to know about you as a person… what did you choose to share. Why? pause
What decisions did you make about what was relevant or interesting or safe to share with this person in this context?
Now you’re going to introduce yourself again… and this time I want you to step outside of your comfort zone and share something you didn’t the first time. Imagine my hand on your back gently encouraging you to challenge yourself a bit.
I’d like everyone to pause for a moment. In your 2-min introduction, think about what you chose to say… and what you chose not to say.
Out of your entire life – your past, your future, your personal life, your hobbies, everything there is to know about you as a person… what did you choose to share. Why? pause
What decisions did you make about what was relevant or interesting or safe to share with this person in this context?
Now you’re going to introduce yourself again… and this time I want you to step outside of your comfort zone and share something you didn’t the first time. Imagine my hand on your back gently encouraging you to challenge yourself a bit.
Name the emotion
-ignoring the emotion or not naming it leaves out >50% of the story
-gives the other person a chance to feel empathy for you
-our brains use the same wiring to respond to social threats as they do physical threats
-same reactions: sweating, heart racing, but also cognitively our ability to think clearly, rationally, creatively goes way down, and emotionally we’re quicker to negative feelings – anger, annoyance, frustration (not the ideal setup for skillfully navigating a delicate social situation, but that’s what we’re working with)
-
Setting the Context for Feedback
Groundrules Discussion (What groundrules would help me be an effective participant in giving and receiving feedback)
Organize folks so that each person has two people they work with/know well
Give them time to plan feedback with each
Bring them back and do “speed dating” format feedback– two rounds so that every person has done it twice
Facilitator calls out time for switching
"Second conversation" about feedback
Complimentary feedback:
-Single biggest missed opportunity is building stronger relationships
We think positive things about our colleagues, peers, and loved ones all the time but don’t say them
Why do it?
-encourage the good stuff
-there is a relationship “bank account”- Gottman - ideal ratio of positive to negative interactions (5:1)
And you want that bank account to have something in it for when you do have critical feedback to give b/c the context of your relationship does matter for delivering tough feedback.
So let’s talk about constructive feedback