The document discusses the importance of self-disclosure and vulnerability in leadership and team dynamics, highlighting how these traits build trust and connection among team members. It presents the 'net model' to illustrate emotional awareness and feedback, emphasizing effective communication techniques for giving and receiving feedback. The document concludes with practical tips for fostering a supportive feedback environment to promote personal development and team effectiveness.

1. Founder Communication
InnerSpace
Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
July 30, 2015

2. Why am I doing this? (Part 1)

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
We are constantly
making the choice of
letting our self be
more fully known
Self-Disclosure

7. Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as
the expression of
uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability

8. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers was
strength of affection – both given & received –
with their team.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders

9. Authentic Leaders
You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some)
“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.
Paradox of Trust?

10. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust
• Repair distortions
• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

11. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to
connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line

12. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Team & Culture

13. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

14. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)

15. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(Our Team)
Outward
(Other Teams)
Emotional
Awareness
EQ (Group)
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)

16. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ

17. Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/
PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e
BLIND

18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

19. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

20. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

21. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

22. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

23. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you
3. Do not address the other person’s motives or
intentions
(Do ask about them & listen actively if they choose to
share.)
Stay on your side of the net!

25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
(and optionally)
The story in my head is… (z)
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You
are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.

27. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

30. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is… / This matters to me because…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

31. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

32. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

33. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 