The document discusses the importance of emotional intelligence (EQ) in leadership, emphasizing self-disclosure and vulnerability as key factors in effective communication and team dynamics. It outlines strategies for giving and receiving feedback to foster personal development, team effectiveness, and stronger relationships, while minimizing defensiveness. The text highlights the need for specific, observable behavior in feedback and recommends creating a feedback-rich culture within teams.

1. Founder Communication
InnerSpace
Joe Greenstein
Dec 15, 2015

2. Why am I doing this? (Part 1)

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

7. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

8. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top
quartile managers from bottom quartile
managers was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders

9. If You Really Knew
me…

10. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Team & Culture

11. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

12. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)

13. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(Our Team)
Outward
(Other Teams)
Emotional
Awareness
EQ (Group)
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)

14. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ

15. Feedback & Influence

16. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

17. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

18. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

19. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

20. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

21. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
• Focus on specific, observable behavior
When you do [x]…
• Describe the impact of that behavior on you
I feel [y]…
• Ask about the other person’s motives or
intentions
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
When you do [x]…
I feel [y == emotion] that / like
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

24. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

25. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

26. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is… / This matters to me because…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

30. Fostering a feedback-rich culture
• Train your team on giving/receiving feedback
• Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin
1:1s with two-way feedback)
– And set expectations of managers/leaders to do
the same

31. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 