We've all been there when communication breaks down. Frustration, irritation, even anger ensues as we ask: How can I get her to see things my way? How can I get him to focus on the real issue? Why is she being so difficult? What if the questions we asked ourselves instead were: What is she really saying? What is the central feeling? What is his implicit hope, intent, or fear? In this workshop, we'll play with these new questions and practice the kind of listening that will help your relationships flourish.

1. How Great Leaders Listen
Semira Rahemtulla
Oct 26, 2016

2. Exercise #1
Do Your Best Listening

3. Exercise #1: Do Your Best Listening
• Find a partner in the room, go sit with them.
• Pick a Person A & Person B
• Wait for further instructions

4. Exercise #1: Do Your Best Listening
• Person A: 4min to talk about an irritating situation
• Person B: Do your best listening
• Then switch
Take notes on your experience being heard
• How are you feeling?
• What kinds of questions did your listener ask?
• What is the outcome of the conversation?

5. How was that?
What were some of the questions people asked?
What was the very best listening you heard?
What made it feel that way?

6. A Thought Experiment…
On a quiet Sunday afternoon, when your partner says:
“I hate Sundays! I get so stressed on Sundays because Monday
comes next! I hate my job! I wish I could figure out how I could not
have to work there ever again.”
What do you say back?

7. 3 Levels of Listening
1.Listening to win
• Rejecting / tell her she’s wrong
(often nicely)
2.Listening to fix
• Adding new info, asking a question
3.Listening to learn
• Content
• Emotion
• Meaning
- So work is so bad you’d rather not
even go? And you’re frustrated because
you can’t figure out how to get around a
thing you hate?
- That’s not true! Sundays are the
best! You’ve got to enjoy Sundays - at
least it’s not yet Monday.
- You know, Sundays used to be
like that for me, too. You just have to not
think about Monday.
- What’s going on at work?

8. Our mental models affect how we listen
How can I get her to
focus on the real issue?
How can I get her to
see it my way?
Why is she being so
difficult?
PEOPLE HAVE
PROBLEMS
Listening to “fix”
What is she saying?
What’s the central feeling?
What is it connected to?
What’s her implicit hope, intent,
or fear?
PEOPLE HAVE
PERSPECTIVES
Listening to understand

9. Exercise #2
Practice “Level 3” Listening

10. Exercise #2: Practice “Level 3” Listening
• Person A: 3 minutes to talk about the same issue
• Person B listens at “Level 3” – Listening for
meaning
• Then switch
3 minutes to debrief with each other
• Listener: What meaning did you hear?
• Speaker: Did you feel understood?

11. Break
Think of a situation (that’s real for
you right now) where:
• You disagree with an important person
about something that needs to be done, or
• You have a hard feedback message to
deliver and you’re worried about the
response, or
• You’re generally “stuck” in a difficult pattern

12. Exercise #3
Case of your own - role play

13. Exercise #3: Case of your own - role play
1. What is the context? (You’ll get 3min to describe it.)
2. What is your feedback for this person? Write it down.
• When you do [x], I feel [y]
• Here’s what I believe and why I believe it
3. What are you most afraid you’ll hear back? Write
down 1-3 sentences (which you will give to your
partner).

14. Exercise #3: Case of your own - role play
Case Owner
1. Set up the context (3min)
2. Give Difficult Other their
“lines
3. Deliver your feedback
Difficult Other
4. After Case Owner has said
his piece, read your “lines” as
written
5. Then, continue the role play
Observer
-Help where needed
-Guide the debrief (8min)

15. Exercise #3: Debrief
Start with Case Owner:
How did that go? How are you feeling about it? How did you
listen?
Then to the Difficult Other:
How are you feeling? What worked there? Are you more/less
inclined to look for common ground than you were at the
beginning?
Discuss:
How did case owner present his/her information?
How did he/she get to “Level 3” Listening?