Negotiating pairbonding, romantic love and jealousy 1
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Analysis of the impact of polyamorous cultural practicies on jealousy and the actualization of romantic live.
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Negotiating pairbonding, romantic love and jealousy 1
- 1. Negotiating Pair Bonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.
- 2. Definitions Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband Monogamy - One Spouse Does not preclude sexual fidelity Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed Loving Relationships
- 3. Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory Compersion loving empathy for a partner being loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE) Limerence Other Significant Other (OSO) Metamour (a partner’s partner) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity sexually faithful to one’s poly family
- 4. The Hallmark of Polyamory Appetite for Disclosure Open to Hear Open to Share Safety in Knowing Compersion Positive Regard for Partners’ Extra- Relationship Erotic/Emotional Connections
- 5. Embrace Poly Culture Jealousy Management Compersion NRE Management Disclosure Transparency Consensuality Poly Cultural Conventions
- 6. Poly Cultural Practices New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.” NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters
- 7. Poly Configurations Open Couple Poly Single Primary and Secondary Partners Multiple Primary Partners Triad -- V or Quad Intimate Network
- 8. How Being in a Poly Relationship Feels High Demand for Honesty Primary vs. Secondary vs. Incidental The challenges of having multiple primaries Logistics, Communication, Respect The challenges of not feeling like anyone’s primary The possibility of having multiple statuses Being an NRE enhanced favorite and a public primary Consideration: Is it possible to be happy with polyamory and to not feel like a favorite and/or have a primary status?
- 9. Poly Players Largely Caucasian Highly Educated Science Fiction Aficionados Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s) Utopian Swingers Frustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists
- 10. Reproductive Strategies Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994) Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle Lover in the Wings 2-4 year Divorce Cycle Polygamy Polygyny Polyandry
- 11. Pair Bonding Banned by Oneida and Kerista Focused on group love Starling brothers and sisters Discouraged investment in NRE
- 12. Stages of Romantic Love Lust sexual interest -- love at first sight testosterone Attraction love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE dopamine, norepinephrine Attachment stability, tranquility, peace oxytocin, vasopressin Detachment withdrawal, boredom
- 13. Brain Chemistry Romantic Love raises Dopamine and Norepinephrine levels favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) obsession with details possessiveness/mate guarding High Serotonin levels can inoculate against romantic love roller coasters. little need for confirmation of mutual love
- 14. Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners The attraction phase may be largely a mono- experience Rare instances of falling in love with a couple
- 15. Incidence of Romantic Love A Human Universal Found in nearly all non-Western societies Not a Western Cultural Artifact! Considered Different from Sexual Lust Can be suicidal when advances are not reciprocated Subject to High Levels of Jealousy!
- 16. Sex-Love Jealousy Biological Roots males fear being deceived into raising a non- biological child Cultural Roots may be largely a product of cultural learning, being barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans Economic Roots females fear that their partner’s time, energy and resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.
- 17. Kinds of Jealousy Possessive Jealousy Typical in attraction phase (NRE) Exclusion Jealousy feeling left out, deprived of time/attention Competition Jealousy feeling inadequate comparing oneself Ego Jealousy feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover Fear Jealousy anxiety that partner will leave permanently
- 18. Jealousy and Monogamy Jealousy seen as a sign of “true” love. Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness Jealousy occurs when Displacement or Replacement is feared Standard Outcome in Monogamous Cultures
- 19. Jealousy and Polygyny Occurs when resources can be divided unevenly Can happen when visiting times are unequal Can arise when favoritism is suspected Can occur when it is not chosen by the wives switching from monogamy to polygyny co-wives that don’t get along
- 20. With my Luo Hosts in Western Kenya
- 21. With my Huli Hosts in Papua New Guinea
- 22. Residence Patterns Luo Circular Hut Compound Maasai Hut Compound Papua New Guinea (co-wives share residence, husband sleeps in men’s house) U.S. Mormons (separate households, or main house with adjacent trailers)
- 23. Husband 2nd Wife 4th Wife 3rd Wife 1st Wife Grandmother & Young Children Main Entrance Luo Compound Unmarried Sons Private Entrance
- 24. Maasai Compound
- 26. Huli Men’s House
- 29. Favoritism Whoever is New is Typically Favorite The Brain Chemistry of NRE High Dopamine High Norepinephrine How it’s Managed in Africa Every wife has a status How FLDS Mormons Manage It Wives will marry into a new marriage to become the favorite
- 30. When Favoritism is Irrelevant When Resources are Shared Fairly Husbands Endeavor to Treat Their Wives Equally Second Wives Not Displace First Wives Newest Wives are “Favorites” Only until a Subsequent One is Added Wives Who Are Not “Favorites” Typically Shrug it off
- 31. How Swinging Limits Jealousy Taste but Don’t Surrender No Elaborate Seduction Limited Sharing Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy Safer Sex Viral and Emotional Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players
- 32. Polyamory and Jealousy It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing) Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol) You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)
- 33. Polyarmory Agreements to ensure one’s own status and security in a relationship Partner Approval (e.g. someone who does not have a monogamy agenda) Scheduled Visits (e.g. no secret rendezvous) Approved Activities (e.g. safe sex) No Surprises
- 34. Polyamory and Jealousy Study* 229 questionnaires received 140 questionnaires evaluated focused on those that engaged in poly style dating swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures. *Towards PhD Dissertation, “Jealousy and Transformation in Polyamorous Relationships” Wolfe, L. 2003
- 35. Research Objectives Gather information on how poly people construct their social, emotional and sexual lives Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness
- 36. Data Limitations Completion of a questionnaire over a 15-minute time period offers only a brief emotional snap shot Most participants ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index) Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”
- 37. Overview 58 males 82 females Peak Baby Boomers Born in mid-1950s
- 38. Compersion Measures Watching a Partner with Someone else Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about Partner Spending the Night with other lovers What Happens when Partner Returns… Impact of Poly Dating on Home Relationship Change Relationship Agreements?
- 39. Compersion Index 11 point scale Median 9.12 Only 7.9% less then 7. Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in this survey
- 40. Survey Conclusions Prior Social, Emotional and Sexual Independence did not preclude Successful Adaptation to Polyamory Over 70% reported that polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner Nearly 90% reported that being poly had afforded a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.
- 41. Statistically Significant Correlations Males more compersive than females greater number of partners less attachment sense of abundance Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life
- 42. Actualizing Compersion / Negotiating Jealousy Developed Inner Life masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice Believe in Poly Ideology Celebrate Starling Relationships There is not just one “one” High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized. New loves did not displace/replace partners
- 43. The Polyamory Blur Limit NRE elevating experiences Reduces emotional spectrum Embrace Compersive Thinking Accept/Incorporate partners’ other loves Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow motion. Averts Dramatic Breakups / Divorce Engage in “Polyarmory” Control Partners’ Activities Avoid Non-Poly Romantic Engagements
- 44. The Real Poly Lessons Boundaries Respect partners’ needs to be connected to others High intensity communication Dark Night of the Soul Journey Learning to be alone Self-nurturing Positive self identity independent from presence/absence of lovers/partners Release the desire to control others