Helen Oakwater: Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey?
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The mismatch between a child’s sensory memory of their maltreatment in infancy and the story they are subsequently told about their early life creates long term confusion and feelings of shame which frequently derails them. We know ”the body keeps the score” (Bessel Van Der Kolk) yet adults often tell children a sanitised and saccharine version of their past, in the mistaken belief that this will protect the child. It doesn’t. The child has experienced life from inside their own bodies while looking though their own eyes. This is the data they will use to make meaning of themselves and the world. What they need from adults is confirmation of the harsh truth, fresh perspectives and ongoing support to comprehend and integrate the knowledge. Helen Oakwater, Coach, Trainer and Writer
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Helen Oakwater: Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey?
- 1. 1 Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey? Helen Oakwater Onko puute totuuden kertomista horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa? National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016 @HelenOakwater
- 2. Baby Tim lying in a cot Traumatised Infant Maltreated Traumatised Infant Pahoinpitelyn
- 3. TIM in cot SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry & cold
- 4. 4 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 1 : No interventions Aikajana: Ei interventiot
- 5. TIM sensory experience SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry & cold
- 6. The Infant PerspectiveONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY SHRAPNEL” Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet” One incident of NEGLECT Stored in implicit memory & sensory database.
- 8. “Our little secret” Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel
- 9. FEAR EMOTIONAL ABUSE NEGLECT SEXUAL ABUSE PHYSICAL ABUSE Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel
- 10. 10 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 2: with birth family Different Maltreatments Beliefs?
- 11. Hopeless Toivoton Helpless Avuton Iminä olen paha poika I am a bad boy Beliefs and sense of self? Worthless Arvoton
- 12. 12 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 3: With poorly trained Foster Carer
- 13. 13 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 4: With well trained Foster carer - dark night
- 14. No therapy or reframing Shrapnel still inside Tim I am a bad boy Iminä olen paha poika
- 15. I am not safe I’m scared I am not cared for I am unlovable I’m ignored I’m not valued I’m bad It’s a terrifying hostile world People hurt you Dangerous place There is no place for me I am not important The world is not okay POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS I’m alone - Child’s View of Self and World
- 16. What story is Tim told? Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu? “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
- 18. 18 “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” They slept on mattresses soaked with urine, covered with filthy bedding, wading through mouldy rubbish ankle- deep to get through the front door and off to school. Ne nukkui patjat kastettu virtsaan, peitetty saastaisia vuodevaatteet, kahlaa homehtunut roskat nilkka-syvä päästä etuovesta ja pois kouluun.
- 19. “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” Frequently MISMATCH between sensory life experiences and story child is told
- 20. 20 Confusing MISMATCH of language “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” inhottava kurjuudessa vs. puhdas epäsiisti disgusting squalor vs. clean untidy
- 21. Frequently MISMATCH between sensory life experiences and saccharine life story “The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK “Languaging” “Kieli”
- 22. “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” Child needs truthful life story which matches his sensory experiences full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet täynnä roskaa, lentää, mätää ruokaa ja tukossa wc X XX
- 23. Jigsaw of Truth: Metaphor Heaps of sensory memories
- 24. 100% Truth Telling Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture Heaps of sensory memories in an age appropriate way Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse
- 25. 25 pieces: outlining of story Aged 6 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea
- 26. 100-400 pieces: significant details shared Aged 9 - 13 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + +
- 27. 1000 pieces: the entire detailed story By 18 - 21 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++
- 28. Jigsaw of Truth: creates a coherent narrative
- 29. Coherent Narrative = truthful life story which matches sensory experiences Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen elä
- 30. Coherent narrative allows child to trust their bodily sensations “The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY Johdonmukainen kerronta mahdollistaa lapsen luottamaan kehon tuntemuksia
- 31. 31 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe neglect (laiminlyönti)
- 32. Fresh/ tuore Perspectives THEN NOW
- 33. 33 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe removal episode
- 34. 1000 - 199 801 pieces because gaps and blocks in the story Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Will have gaps Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++
- 35. 35 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe: deeper understanding with age Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän
- 36. Avoid False Negative Beliefs through a Coherent Narrative “Knowledge is only a rumour until its in the muscle” Judy DeLozier Head, heart and gut understanding Intrinsic truth Photos Evidence & indisputable material Information, data, words saccharine life story book
- 37. Birth Parent Perspective Now , then & their issues What was/is going on for them? Now? Then ?
- 38. Empowering Reframing MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES utilising extra knowledge, resources, new learnings and age appropriate wisdom shrapnel removal healing pervasive shame
- 39. I am safe I am loved I am cared for I am valued I can trust adults I’m special I’m okay It’s a safe place People love me People care for me There is a place for me here I am important to them The world is okay + Child’s View of Self and World
- 40. Future Proofing: to stabilise their life journey children need Coherent narrative Consistency: no surprises 100% truth telling age appropriate A(his)story which does not conflict with their sensory memories (i.e. matches) Knowing deep inside it was not their fault Help and support to understand, process and reframe their past
- 41. Trauma Triggered Behaviour? Observed behaviour? Internal World? THEN NOW
- 42. 42 minä olen paha poika I am a bad boy Minä olen hyvä poika I am a good boy Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each Kuvittele käytös, tuloksia ja elämänpolkuasi jokaisen
- 44. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, videos LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking REAL and honest EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership, communication skills, trauma, etc) LEADING LEARNER principles @HelenOakwater www.FABParents.co.uk helen@helenoakwater.com
- 45. • Coach, Author, Trainer • Adoptive Parent • Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+ • Teacher (11-18: PE & maths) • NLP & mBIT Coach & Trainer • Post Grad Attachment & Adoption (Family Futures) • Government Task Force • Trustee Adoption UK 45 Helen Oakwater www.FABparents.co.uk @helenoakwater https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970 http://www.bookdepository.com/Bubble-Wrapped-Children---How-Social-Networking-is-Transforming- the-Face-of-21st-Century-Adoption-Helen-Oakwater/9781780920979 helen@helenoakwater.com
- 46. 46 Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey? Helen Oakwater Onko puute totuuden kertomista horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa? National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016 @HelenOakwater
Editor's Notes
- I want to introduce you to TIM
- Introduction to TIM …lying in cot
- Now lets fast forward …. walk up time line … just the drama Tim comes home from school on a cold rainy november day He walked because he lost his bus pass, he spent lunch money on cigarettes, walks through door and wind catches it and it SLAMS shut , his hand to his face voice from kitchen says “hello” … and he shouts at her
- step back to form meta position … we can see darkness - light bulb blew, cold feet, hunger touch acne - echo of nappy rash loud crash… and words from his mouth are what her heard way back then
- This combination of sensory experiences become entwined in the implicit sensory memory as incident of neglect … creates metaphorical shrapnel Those 3 days in the cot can be represented graphically by a green wooden star.
- There will have been more than one incident of neglect, so more pieces of metaphorical Tim will also have experienced other forms of maltreatment and abuse. Neglect does not come in isolation. Each experience will be unique. However patterns may emerge which embody particular types of maltreatment.
- These patterns may fall into groups which I categorise as different types of metaphorical shrapnel Fear=Blue chunks and slivers of plastic Violence = Red shards of glass Emotional abuse = Orange ninja throwing stars Sexual Abuse = grey pieces of metal “you are my precious little treasure” Neglect = Green splinters of wood
- Tim will also have experienced other forms of maltreatment and abuse. Neglect does not come in isolation. Each experience will be unique. However patterns may emerge which embody particular types of maltreatment. Fear=Blue chunks and slivers of plastic Violence = Red shards of glass Emotional abuse = Orange ninja throwing stars Sexual Abuse = grey pieces of metal “you are my precious little treasure” Neglect = Green pieces of wood
- walk up time line - multiple maltreatments still living with birth family what behaviours would you observe? What beliefs would be created?
- I am helpless Hopeless Worthless I AM A BAD BOY
- Tim now living with FC who does not understand Trauma Triggered Behaviour …. reacts badly when told to f off
- This FC understands about impact of trauma and reacts quietly and patiently … but Tim does not understand why he just blew up
- Tim does not understand why he just blew up … and he still has the negative beliefs about himself despite being in FC … MISMATCH between what he's told by FC who is trying to build his self esteem and how he feels about himself
- Possible negative views he has of himself and the world - this is his internal world because nothing has got deep enough to change it. we must help him
- Lets just think … what story is Tim told? Does it match how he thinks and feels about himself? Does the language and words used around him fit with his experience? Being told “the house was a bit messy” does not fit with the neglect he experienced
- This is a “messy” bedroom …. towels on the floor, shoes not put away, … however it is clean, there is a basket for dirty clothes … you can see the carpet … this is acceptable and temporary
- There were 5 children living in this house which also contained the remains of a young boy. This is NEGLECT
- Massive mismatch between Tims early experience and what he's told now.
- Language mismatch Constant disgusting squalor Temporary untidy but essentially clean
- We know the body keeps the score. One of the problems with children who have been traumatised is that the story they are told does not match their sensory memories. we underplay the childs experience - often so we can show the birth family is a good light
- We must tell the child the story which matches his sensory experiences Your mother could not care for ANY child Your mother behaved very badly when she had alcohol / drugs / mental health episode / severe depression Your mother could not look after herself and picked men badly
- I use a metaphor to explain how we can share information with children appropriately.
- I believe we must give children 100% truth is telling in an age appropriate way. If we bought a jigsaw puzzle for a six -year-old it might have 25 chunky pieces. We can give them information in the same way. Big chunk. “Uncle Fred was naughty”.
- I believe we must give children 100% truth is telling in an age appropriate way. If we bought a jigsaw puzzle for a six -year-old it might have 25 chunky pieces. We can give them information in the same way. Big chunk. “Uncle Fred was naughty”.
- Walk up the timeline … Uncle Fred hurt people …. uncle fred hurt children … Uncle Fred was a Paedophile
- By adulthood all the details are shared and Tim knows Uncle Fred was a paedophile who filmed children being abused. He knows there are videos of his brothers being abused on the internet. The Picture has been built up over the years. The truth telling has been age appropriate and in bite size chunks. Hence Tim had the space to digest all the information and its ramifications.
- The just of truth creates a coherent and consistent narrative /story
- We know the body keeps the score. One of the problems with children who have been traumatised is that the story they are told does not match their sensory memories. They need assistance to match story to somatic and physical experience and sensory memories
- One way is to reframe past events …Play / drama /art/ music /therapy or discussions, with evidence to help child reframe and review their experience so they understand their feelings and thoughts
- Looking back at early life with the wisdom and thinking skills and capacity of now. Truth appropriate for age and thinking, comprehension skills Understanding is key.
- Tim removal, step dad beating him - therapy drama reenactment at 8 “he needs a hug” Sometimes called “disclosure work”. See what younger self needed and what adults did or failed to do. So important that neighbours called police, police rescued you because what happened was wrong and bad and should not happen to ANY child. You were good boy. The adults were wrong.
- There will always be gaps in the story, documentation … but the child knows in the body and can through reframing and evidence based therapy fill in some of the gaps and make sense of their life experience, learn lessons and release old pains. Sometime family members will share stuff … sometimes they dont wont or cant remember or admit their actions or inactions.
- REFRAME NEGLECT I am a good boy - I deserve a decent life … rather than I am a bad boy and dont deserve nice things etc revisiting his past allows Tim to comprehend it relative to his life now Looking back at early life with the wisdom and thinking skills and capacity of now. Truth appropriate for age and thinking, comprehension skills Understanding is key. Sometime it works - example of sisters aged 17 &16, both had disgusting bedrooms, who went through files an learned about their neglect … one started cleaning and tidying her room, the other didn’t.
- Remember a maltreated infant always has the knowledge stored in her body. The Big Question is : Does it match the story he is told? he needs head, heart and gut understanding. Somatic rumours need confirming so negative beliefs are not installed It will be required thought his childhood and beyond.
- COMPLEX: What story does BM tell? Does she remember? Was she there? Was she stoned/drunk/ …. She failed to protect. What is her situation now? What support does she receive? Will she acknowledge the pain/ neglect/ etc… Can she? Does she has the capacity? Will she honour the childs life now and take responsibility for the past?
- Multiple perspectives generate insights and self acceptance. From this self esteem, self belief and confidence will grow. Without it shame will thrive.
- This is what we want for all children - fortunately most have this … our difficult challenge is to create this in children who have been maltreated
- We have to look beyond the observed behaviour into their internal world to understand how they see themselves and the world.
- So what life journey for these parallel children. Walk down parallel lines ….bad boy … good boy Is it a dignified childhood? If not what can we do to improve it?
- Today I have focused on the child - however we do have to look at the 3 elements which I do in FAB parents
- Permanent Parent MBIT = multiple Brain Integration Techniques