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1
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa l...
Baby Tim lying in a cot
Traumatised
Infant
Maltreated
Traumatised
Infant
Pahoinpitelyn
TIM in cot
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk 

& vomit
SMELL
Sour milk
& excrement
TOUCH
Nappy rash
F...
4
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 1 : No interventions
Aikajana: Ei interventiot
TIM sensory experience
SEE
Darkness
HEAR
Shouting &
slamming
doors
TASTE
Milk 

& vomit
SMELL
Sour milk
& excrement
TOUCH
...
The Infant Perspective
ONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY SHRAPNEL”
Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet”
One incident...
Sensory Shrapnel
Sensorinen Shrapnal
NEGLECT
“Our little secret”
Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel
FEAR
EMOTIONAL
ABUSE
NEGLECT
SEXUAL
ABUSE
PHYSICAL
ABUSE
Different Maltreatments
Assorted Shrapnel
10
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 2: with birth family
Different Maltreatments
What behaviour would you see?
Mitä käyttäytyminen...
Hopeless
Toivoton
Helpless
Avuton
Iminä olen
paha poika
I am a
bad boy
Beliefs and sense of self?
Worthless
Arvoton
12
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 3: With poorly trained
Foster Carer
How does Foster carer react?
Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?
13
Age
0 5 2010 15
Timeline 4: With well trained
Foster carer - dark night
How does Foster carer react?
Miten Foster hoita...
No therapy or reframing
Shrapnel still inside Tim
I am a
bad boy
Iminä olen
paha poika
I am not safe
I’m scared
I am not cared for
I am unlovable
I’m ignored
I’m not valued
I’m bad
It’s a terrifying hostile wo...
What story is Tim told?
Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu?
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
17
Language:“messy bedroom”
Kieli: “sotkuinen huone”
18
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
They slept on mattresses
soaked with urine, covered
with filthy ...
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and story chi...
20
Confusing MISMATCH of language
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
inhottava kurjuudessa
vs. puhdas...
Frequently MISMATCH between sensory
life experiences and saccharine life story
“The body keeps
the score”
BESSEL VAN DER K...
“The house was a bit messy”
“Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
Child needs truthful life story which
matches his sensory experien...
Jigsaw of Truth: Metaphor
Heaps of sensory memories
??
100% Truth
Telling
Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture
Heaps of sensory memories
in an age
appropriate
way
Claude Monet: La Terr...
25 pieces:
outlining of
story
Aged 6
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate w...
100-400
pieces:
significant
details
shared
Aged 9 - 13
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
100% Truth Telling in an...
1000
pieces: the
entire
detailed
story
By 18 - 21
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sen...
Jigsaw of Truth:
creates a coherent narrative
??
Coherent Narrative = truthful life story
which matches sensory experiences
Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen
el...
Coherent narrative allows child
to trust their bodily sensations
“The body keeps the score”
BESSEL VAN DER KOLK
FEEL SAFE ...
31
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe neglect (laiminlyönti)
so thats why I feel
scared when I'm hungry
and like fart smells
Fresh/ tuore Perspectives
THEN NOW
33
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe removal episode
it was not my fault
he was drunk and wrong
I was rescued
I am important
I am a ...
1000 - 199
801 pieces
because
gaps and
blocks in
the story
Jigsaw of Truth:
Heaps of sensory memories
Jigsaw of Truth: Wil...
35
Age
0 5 2010 15
Reframe: deeper understanding with age
Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän
wash me & clothes
keeping clean...
Avoid False Negative Beliefs
through a Coherent Narrative
“Knowledge is only a rumour
until its in the muscle”
Judy DeLozi...
Birth Parent Perspective
Now , then & their issues
What was/is going on for them?
Now? Then?
Empowering Reframing
MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES
utilising extra knowledge, resources, new
learnings and age appropriate w...
I am safe
I am loved
I am cared for
I am valued
I can trust adults
I’m special
I’m okay
It’s a safe place
People love me
P...
Future Proofing: to stabilise their
life journey children need
Coherent narrative
Consistency: no surprises
100% truth tel...
Trauma Triggered Behaviour?
Observed behaviour?
Internal World?
THEN NOW
42
minä olen
paha poika
I am a
bad boy
Minä olen
hyvä poika
I am a
good boy
Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for ...
Adult Child
FABParents Approach
FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, videos
LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS
ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences
FUTURE-PR...
• Coach, Author, Trainer
• Adoptive Parent
• Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+
• Teacher (11-18: PE & maths)
• NLP & mBIT Coach ...
46
Does lack of truth telling
destabilise a child's life journey?
Helen Oakwater
Onko puute totuuden kertomista
horjuttaa ...
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National Child Welfare Conference Finland Keynote speech

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Look at me - Dignified childhood conference (in English and Finnish) Need for 100% truth telling with children so their somatic memories match the story they are told using careful accurate language, to avoid confusion. This melts trauma which allows building of positive beliefs.

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National Child Welfare Conference Finland Keynote speech

  1. 1. 1 Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey? Helen Oakwater Onko puute totuuden kertomista horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa? National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016 @HelenOakwater
  2. 2. Baby Tim lying in a cot Traumatised Infant Maltreated Traumatised Infant Pahoinpitelyn
  3. 3. TIM in cot SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk 
 & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry 
 & cold
  4. 4. 4 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 1 : No interventions Aikajana: Ei interventiot
  5. 5. TIM sensory experience SEE Darkness HEAR Shouting & slamming doors TASTE Milk 
 & vomit SMELL Sour milk & excrement TOUCH Nappy rash FEEL Hungry 
 & cold
  6. 6. The Infant Perspective ONE PIECE OF METAPHORICAL “SENSORY SHRAPNEL” Yksi pala metaforinen "aistien sirpaleet” One incident of NEGLECT Stored in implicit memory & sensory database.
  7. 7. Sensory Shrapnel Sensorinen Shrapnal NEGLECT
  8. 8. “Our little secret” Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel
  9. 9. FEAR EMOTIONAL ABUSE NEGLECT SEXUAL ABUSE PHYSICAL ABUSE Different Maltreatments Assorted Shrapnel
  10. 10. 10 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 2: with birth family Different Maltreatments What behaviour would you see? Mitä käyttäytyminen olisi näet? what do adults tell him? Mitä aikuiset kertoa hänelle? Beliefs?
  11. 11. Hopeless Toivoton Helpless Avuton Iminä olen paha poika I am a bad boy Beliefs and sense of self? Worthless Arvoton
  12. 12. 12 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 3: With poorly trained Foster Carer How does Foster carer react? Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?
  13. 13. 13 Age 0 5 2010 15 Timeline 4: With well trained Foster carer - dark night How does Foster carer react? Miten Foster hoitaja reagoi?
  14. 14. No therapy or reframing Shrapnel still inside Tim I am a bad boy Iminä olen paha poika
  15. 15. I am not safe I’m scared I am not cared for I am unlovable I’m ignored I’m not valued I’m bad It’s a terrifying hostile world People hurt you Dangerous place There is no place for me I am not important The world is not okay POOR ATTACHMENT BETWEEN CHILD AND OTHERS I’m alone - Child’s View of Self and World
  16. 16. What story is Tim told? Mikä tarina Tim kerrottu? “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen”
  17. 17. 17 Language:“messy bedroom” Kieli: “sotkuinen huone”
  18. 18. 18 “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” They slept on mattresses soaked with urine, covered with filthy bedding, wading through mouldy rubbish ankle- deep to get through the front door and off to school. Ne nukkui patjat kastettu virtsaan, peitetty saastaisia vuodevaatteet, kahlaa homehtunut roskat nilkka-syvä päästä etuovesta ja pois kouluun.
  19. 19. “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” Frequently MISMATCH between sensory life experiences and story child is told
  20. 20. 20 Confusing MISMATCH of language “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” inhottava kurjuudessa vs. puhdas epäsiisti disgusting squalor vs. clean untidy
  21. 21. Frequently MISMATCH between sensory life experiences and saccharine life story “The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK “Languaging” “Kieli”
  22. 22. “The house was a bit messy” “Talo oli hieman sotkuinen” Child needs truthful life story which matches his sensory experiences full of rubbish, flies, rotting food and blocked toilet täynnä roskaa, lentää, mätää ruokaa ja tukossa wc X XX
  23. 23. Jigsaw of Truth: Metaphor Heaps of sensory memories ??
  24. 24. 100% Truth Telling Jigsaw of Truth: True Picture Heaps of sensory memories in an age appropriate way Claude Monet: La Terrace de Sante Adresse
  25. 25. 25 pieces: outlining of story Aged 6 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea
  26. 26. 100-400 pieces: significant details shared Aged 9 - 13 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + +
  27. 27. 1000 pieces: the entire detailed story By 18 - 21 Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++
  28. 28. Jigsaw of Truth: creates a coherent narrative ??
  29. 29. Coherent Narrative = truthful life story which matches sensory experiences Johdonmukainen Narratiivinen = todenmukainen elämäntarina, joka vastaa aistikokemuksia
  30. 30. Coherent narrative allows child to trust their bodily sensations “The body keeps the score” BESSEL VAN DER KOLK FEEL SAFE INSIDE THE BODY Johdonmukainen kerronta mahdollistaa lapsen luottamaan kehon tuntemuksia
  31. 31. 31 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe neglect (laiminlyönti) so thats why I feel scared when I'm hungry and like fart smells
  32. 32. Fresh/ tuore Perspectives THEN NOW
  33. 33. 33 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe removal episode it was not my fault he was drunk and wrong I was rescued I am important I am a good boy
  34. 34. 1000 - 199 801 pieces because gaps and blocks in the story Jigsaw of Truth: Heaps of sensory memories Jigsaw of Truth: Will have gaps Heaps of sensory memories 100% Truth Telling in an age appropriate way Flag Boat Umbrella Clouds Sea + + + + ++++++
  35. 35. 35 Age 0 5 2010 15 Reframe: deeper understanding with age Reframe: syvempää ymmärrystä iän wash me & clothes keeping clean is nice alcohol can be harmful eat regularly
  36. 36. Avoid False Negative Beliefs through a Coherent Narrative “Knowledge is only a rumour until its in the muscle” Judy DeLozier Head, heart and gut understanding Intrinsic truth Photos Evidence & indisputable material Information, data, words saccharine life story book
  37. 37. Birth Parent Perspective Now , then & their issues What was/is going on for them? Now? Then?
  38. 38. Empowering Reframing MULTIPLE FRESH PERSPECTIVES utilising extra knowledge, resources, new learnings and age appropriate wisdom shrapnel removal healing pervasive shame
  39. 39. I am safe I am loved I am cared for I am valued I can trust adults I’m special I’m okay It’s a safe place People love me People care for me There is a place for me here I am important to them The world is okay + Child’s View of Self and World
  40. 40. Future Proofing: to stabilise their life journey children need Coherent narrative Consistency: no surprises 100% truth telling age appropriate A(his)story which does not conflict with their sensory memories (i.e. matches) Knowing deep inside it was not their fault Help and support to understand, process and reframe their past
  41. 41. Trauma Triggered Behaviour? Observed behaviour? Internal World? THEN NOW
  42. 42. 42 minä olen paha poika I am a bad boy Minä olen hyvä poika I am a good boy Imagine behaviour, outcomes and life path for each Kuvittele käytös, tuloksia ja elämänpolkuasi jokaisen
  43. 43. Adult Child FABParents Approach
  44. 44. FREE RESOURCES - articles, links, podcasts, videos LEARNING PLATFORM & TOOLS ONLINE TRAINING - various audiences FUTURE-PROOFING - evidence & thinking REAL and honest EXPERTS in various fields (coaching, leadership, communication skills, trauma, etc) LEADING LEARNER principles @HelenOakwater www.FABParents.co.uk helen@helenoakwater.com
  45. 45. • Coach, Author, Trainer • Adoptive Parent • Siblings aged 2,4,5 now 25+ • Teacher (11-18: PE & maths) • NLP & mBIT Coach & Trainer • Post Grad Attachment & Adoption (Family Futures) • Government Task Force 45 Helen Oakwater www.FABparents.co.uk @helenoakwater https://www.amazon.de/Bubble-Wrapped-Children-Networking-Transforming/dp/1780920970 http://www.bookdepository.com/Bubble-Wrapped-Children---How-Social-Networking-is-Transforming- the-Face-of-21st-Century-Adoption-Helen-Oakwater/9781780920979 helen@helenoakwater.com
  46. 46. 46 Does lack of truth telling destabilise a child's life journey? Helen Oakwater Onko puute totuuden kertomista horjuttaa lapsen elämään matkaa? National Child Welfare Conference Look at me – dignified childhood! Jyväskylä, Finland : 27 Syyskuu 2016 @HelenOakwater

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