Style Tips for medical and grant writing using the work of Joseph M. Williams and Michael Crichton's 1975 critique of journal writing. Slides for UCLA Master of Clinical Science class

1. Denise Gellene
Director, Science Communication
UCLA CTSI
Writing with Clarity

3. Sources of “Obfuscation”
Verbiage
Redundancy
Poor syntax
Unnecessary complexity
Excessive abstraction
Excessive compression
Unnecessary qualification
Rules that aren’t rules

5. By DOUGLAS MARTIN
David Mellinkoff, a lawyer, professor and writer who waged fierce and clever
battle against lawyerly language, ''contagious verbosity'' in his phrase, died in
Los Angeles on Dec. 31. He was 85.
Mr. Mellinkoff waged his war in books, articles and lectures, attacking
what he called ''the junk antiques'' of the legal vocabulary, those streams of
''forthwiths,'' ''heretofores'' and ''whereases'' that tumble endlessly through
lawyers' writings. Sometimes called the dean of legal writing specialists, he
began his campaign for clarity and brevity with his 1963 book, still his
most influential, “Language of the Law'' (Aspen Publishers).
David Mellinkoff, 85, Enemy of Legalese
January 16, 2000

6. Graduate Writing Center
• Voice
–Active or Passive
• Person
–First, second, third
–Singular and plural
• Organization

7. “There is no such thing as good writing,
only good rewriting.”
-- Justice Louis Brandeis

8. Verbiage
Due to the fact
In the event
Despite the fact
In order to
At the present moment
Using a phrase when a word will do

9. Alternatives
Due to the fact Because
In the event If
Despite the fact Although, Even though
In order to To
At the present moment Now

10. Examples
We are in a position to make you a firm offer.
We can make you a firm offer.
Regardless of the fact that the results were
checked, errors crept into the findings.
Even though the results were checked, errors
crept into the findings.

11. Noun + Noun + Noun
String of consecutive nouns
Sentence
Early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often
occurs as a result of unfamiliarity with recent
research literature describing such conditions.
Solution: Unpack by writing the noun phrase in
reverse order

12. Revision
Early childhood thought disorder misdiagnosis often
occurs as a result of unfamiliarity with recent research
literature describing such conditions.
Unpack
Misdiagnosis disorder thought childhood early
Literature research recent
Rewrite
Physicians are misdiagnosing disordered thought in
young children because they are unfamiliar with recent
research.

13. Unpacking a Noun Phrase
Pancreatic gland phenomena are regulated chiefly by
the parasympathetic nervous system cells.
Unpack
Phenomena gland pancreatic
Cells system nervous parasympathetic
Rewrite
Phenomena involving the pancreatic gland are
regulated chiefly by cells in the parasympathetic
nervous system.

14. Redundancy
Redundant pairs
-- full and complete
-- interest and concern
Redundant modifiers
-- future plans
-- end result
Redundant categories
-- time, color, taste, shape, state, quality,

15. Examples of Redundancy Examples
Redundant Modifiers
Past history tells us we cannot anticipate ahead
those great events that will completely
revolutionize our society.
History tells us we cannot anticipate those great
events that will revolutionize our society.
Redundant Categories
During that period of time, the mucus membrane
area became pink in color and shiny of appearance.
During that time, the mucus membrane became
pink and shiny.

16. Poor Syntax: Antecedent Problem
Ambiguous
My sandwich was in my lunchbox, but now
it’s gone.
Solution: replace the pronoun with the noun.
Clear
My sandwich was in my lunchbox, but now
my sandwich is gone.

17. Poor Syntax: Antecedent Problem
Ambiguous
The lab has samples from 20 women frozen
in a tank.
Solution: Write two sentences.
Clear
The lab has samples from 20 women. The
samples are frozen in a tank.

18. Unnecessary Complexity
Using excessively formal language when common
words will do
Endeavor Try
Utilization Use
Initiate Begin
Cognizant of Aware of
Ascertain Find out
Implement Start, Begin, Carry out
Facilitate Help
Prior to Before
In lieu of Instead of

19. Excessive Abstraction
Petroleum exigencies
Incumbent upon us all
Maximal utilization of
Telephonic communication
In lieu
Personal visitation
Because of petroleum exigencies, it is incumbent
upon us all to endeavor to make maximal utilization
of telephonic communication in lieu of personal
visitation.

20. Excessive Abstraction
Because of petroleum exigencies, it is incumbent upon us all
to endeavor to make maximal utilization of telephonic
communication in lieu of personal visitation.
Because of gas shortages, we should use the telephone as
much as we can instead of making personal visits.

21. Excessive Compression
Words or ideas are missing
Corticosteroids, antimalarial drugs and other agents may
impede degranulation, because of their ability to prevent
granule membranes from rupturing, to inhibit ingestion or to
interfere with the degranulation mechanism per se
The statement is so general that it could refer to any drug
(other agents) and any possible means (interfere with the
degranulation mechanism per se)
Solution: Be specific
NEJM

22. Unnecessary Qualification
Hedging
 Leave room for backpedaling but often
are meaningless modifiers
Virtually Possibly Usually
Often Sometimes Almost
Apparently Seemingly Tend
Try Attempt Seek
Hope In some ways In some respects
To a certain extent For the most part Perhaps
Seem May, Might Can, Could
For all intents and
purposes
In my opinion at
least
Extent

23. Unnecessary Qualification
Emphatics
 Sound confident, but used to excess can
sound arrogant or defensive
It’s clear that The fact is Literally
Clearly Obviously Undoubtedly
Certainly Of course Indeed
Inevitably Very Invariably
Always Key Central
Crucial Generally agreed
upon
As we can plainly see
It’s quite true that Principal Essential
Integral Fundamental Major

24. Clarity
It is now available commercially and although its sole
indication will be in hypertensive emergencies by no means
will or should such a valuable agent be restricted to such
use.
By no means – emphatic
Will or should – redundancy and syntax
Such – repetition
Verbiage
Although approved only for hypertensive emergencies, the
drug will be used to treat other cardiac conditions.

25. Clarity
In addition, it was regarded as a poison whose action,
before 1929, was regarded as being similar to sodium
cyanide.
In addition, it was regarded as a poison whose action,
before 1929, as being similar to sodium cyanide.
It was regarded as a poison before 1929 similar to sodium
cyanide.
Before 1929, it was believed to be a poison similar to
sodium cyanide.
Before 1929, the heart drug was believed to be a poison
similar to sodium cyanide.

26. Literary Obfuscation
The reptilian lizard came closer to Tina. She
kept her body still, not wanting to frighten
the tiny, little animal. She was awed and
amazed that she would come so close, but
she remembered this was a national park. Of
course, all the animals in the park would be
cognizant of the fact that they are protected.
The lizard was probably domesticated.
Maybe it even expected her to give it some
food and sustenance. Tina extended her
hand, palm open, to show that she had no
food in her hand.

27. Literary Obfuscation
The reptilian lizard came closer to Tina. She kept her body still, not
wanting to frighten the tiny, little animal. She was awed and amazed
that she it would come so close, but she remembered this was a
national park. Of course, All the animals in the park would be cognizant
of the fact know that they are protected. The lizard was probably
domesticated tame. Maybe it even expected her to give it some food.
and sustenance. Tina extended her hand, palm open, to show that she
had no food. in her hand.
Reptilian – redundant
Tiny, little – redundant
Awed and amazed – redundant
She – ambiguous
Of course – unnecessary qualification
Cognizant of the fact – unnecessary complexity
Domesticated – wrong word
Food and sustenance – redundant
In her hand – repetition

28. Rules that Aren’t Rules
• Don’t begin sentences with but or and
– You can
• Use between with two, and among with three or more
– Among means three or more, but between can also be
used this way
• Never begin a sentence with because
– You can
• Use fewer with nouns you can count, less with quantitates
you cannot
– Fewer is restricted to countable nouns, but less also
can be used that way

29. “To understand why anyone—including
ourselves—writes badly, we have to be able to
look at a sentence and understand how it
works, how the ideas have been distributed
through its different parts, and then decide
how to write it better.
-- Joseph M. Williams
Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace

30. For Your Bookshelf
• “Eats, Shoots & Leaves” by Lynne Truss
– Punctuation
• “On Writing Well” by William Zinsser
– General writing advice
• “Elements of Style” by William Strunk and E.B. White
– Grammar and usage
• “10 Lessons in Clarity and Grace” by Joseph Williams
– Sentence construction
• Chicago Manual of Style
– Authoritative technical guide
• Purdue Owl
– Online grammar, punctuation and usage guide

31. References
Williams, J.M. Style: Ten Lessons in Clarity and Grace.
Glenview, Ill.: Scott, Foresman and Co., 1981
Crichton, M. Jurassic Park. New York: Alfred P. Knopf, 1990
Crichton, M. 1975. Medical Obfuscation: Structure and
Function. New England Journal of Medicine 293:1257-1259