The Power of Active Listening

‫المقصود‬
Al-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training
Advanced Islamic Life Skills
COMMUNICATING
EFFECTIVELY
1

Al-Maqsûd
Communicating Effectively
Session 1- Power of Listening
31st August 2014
Session 2- Power of Speaking
28th September 2014
Session 3- Conflict Resolution
30th November 2014
2

Al-Maqsûd
Power of Active Listening
Session 1
3

Al-Maqsûd
How we Communicate
4
Reading
Writing
Listening
Speaking
Not taught
in schools

Al-Maqsûd
Exercise 1
Watch the video
Why is there poor communication here?
5

Al-Maqsûd
Islamic Life Skills Training6
A guide to effective communcation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwjAAgGi-90
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YuZDbbz_6xY
Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grails Poor Communication

Al-Maqsûd
Negative assumptions- Barriers
• Jumping to conclusions
– Finishing peoples sentences
– Interrupting before completion of someone’s message
– Tuning out as soon as a person starts talking
– Dismissing new idea before hearing rationale
• Focussing on intentions
• Thinking you know best
• Stereotyping
7

Al-Maqsûd
Senders Receivers
Abstract/ concrete
Barriers

Al-Maqsûd
‫قال‬‫عنه‬‫اهلل‬‫ي‬‫ض‬‫ر‬‫العاص‬‫ن‬‫ب‬‫عمرو‬:‫القوم‬‫أشر‬‫ىل‬‫ع‬‫بوجهه‬‫ل‬‫قب‬ُ‫ي‬‫وسلم‬‫عليه‬‫اهلل‬‫ىل‬‫ص‬‫اهلل‬‫رسول‬‫كان‬.
‫أبوبكر؟‬‫أو‬‫خري‬‫أنا‬‫اهلل‬‫رسول‬‫يا‬‫فقلت‬‫القوم‬‫خري‬‫أين‬‫ظننت‬‫ىت‬‫ح‬ ّ‫ي‬‫عل‬‫وحديثه‬‫بوجهه‬‫ل‬‫يقب‬‫كان‬‫ف‬
‫بكر‬‫أبو‬‫قال‬..‫عمر‬‫فقال‬‫عمر؟‬‫أو‬‫خري‬‫أنا‬‫اهلل‬‫يارسول‬‫فقلت‬.‫عثمان؟‬‫أو‬‫خري‬‫أنا‬‫اهلل‬‫رسول‬‫يا‬‫فقلت‬
‫عثمان‬‫قال‬.‫سألته‬‫ن‬‫ك‬‫أ‬‫لم‬‫أين‬‫فلوددت‬‫ين‬‫ق‬‫فصد‬‫وسلم‬‫عليه‬‫اهلل‬‫ىل‬‫ص‬‫اهلل‬‫رسول‬‫سألت‬‫فلما‬
'Amr ibn al-'Aas Radiyallahu 'Anhu reports: "(Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi
Wasallam) gave attention, spoke and showed love to the worst person of a
nation. So that, the person may feel he is being given special attention. He
used to give attention, and spoke to me also in a manner, that I began to feel
that I was the best among the community.
(Therefore one day) I asked: 'O Messenger of Allah, am I better or is Abubakr
better?' He replied: 'Abubakr'. I then asked: 'Am I better, or 'Umar?' He replied.
"Umar'. I asked: 'Am I better or 'Uthmaan?' He replied: 'Uthmaan'.When I
asked him these questions, Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam told me the
truth. (He did not tell me I was better to keep me happy. Afterwards I felt
ashamed of myself on this deed). I felt I should not have asked such a
question". [Shamaa’il Tirmidhi]

Al-Maqsûd
Impact of Listening
Accentuates the positives
How do you feel when someone
really listens to you:
• Respected
• Care for
• Supported
• Rewarded
• Satisfied
• Sense of achievement
What are the benefits
• Increased productivity
• Stronger quality relationship
• More satisfaction
• More interest
• Better problem solving
• Better co-operation and
teamwork
• Less stress
10
Gain a lot when you listen effectively- Lose a lot when you don’t-
VERY POWERFUL

Al-Maqsûd
Impact of Listening
Minimises the Negatives
How do you feel when someone
does not listen to you:
• Disrespected
• Not Cared for
• unsupported
• unrewarded
• unsatisfied
• Sense of on-achievement
What are the harms
• Decreased productivity/
efficiency
• Poor relationship
• dissatisfaction
• Loss of interest
• Poor problem solving
• Poor co-operation and
teamwork
• More stress
11
Poor listening can be costly

Al-Maqsûd
Exercise 2
What kind of listener are you?
12

Al-Maqsûd
Al-Maqsud Listening Style Inventory
1. Answer questions 1-12
2. Circle A to E- whichever most applies to
you
3. Now score yourself
1. A=5; B=4; C=3; D=2; E=1
4. Add up your total score
13

Al-Maqsûd
What’s your listening style?
• Passive Listening [<29]
– Eye contact
– Expressionless face
– Occasional nods
– Occasional verbal
acknowledgement (uh, huh)
• Selective Listening [39-30]
– Looks of disinterest
– Looks away – at watch, papers
– Sits quietly
– Reacts with emotion- defensive/
debating
– Jumps in/ takes over
– Changes subject
14

Al-Maqsûd
How you Listen!
• Attentive listening [44-40]
– Steady eye contact
– Shows interest (facial
expressions)
– Nodding
– Provide simple verbal
acknowledgement ( I see, ok, yes)
– Raise question to draw message
• Active Listening
(responsive/ reflective
listening) [50-45]
– Show patience
– Give verbal feedback to summarise
understanding
– Acknowledge emotion to fully
understand speaker
– Exploring reason for emotion
– Speaking up when not clear
15

Al-Maqsûd
Senders Receivers
Barrier
Aggressive speaking
Non-assertive speaking
Passive- Aggressive speaking
Assertive speaking
Passive Listening
Selective Listening
Attentive Listening
Active Listening

Al-Maqsûd
Ineffective patterns of Listening
– Attentive listener takes out the facts from the emotion
only- doesn’t cope with emotion (thinks understanding
has been achieved)
– Active listener- takes facts and emotion= whole
message (knows that understanding has been
achieved)
• Speaker speaks to a speaker (not listener)
Facts + Emotion =
Meaning of
message

Al-Maqsûd
Making Active Listening Work
• Hold off assumptions (hear the whole
message)
• Avoid being quick on advice
• Exercise patience
• Eliminate Distractions/ physical barriers
• Be respectful- don’t pass judgement
• Shift Attention on to speaker- not to what
you are going to say
18

Al-Maqsûd
Abu Hurayrah (ra) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and
peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Beware of suspicion, for suspicion is
the falsest of speech. Do not seek out one another’s faults; do not spy
on one another; do not compete with one another; do not envy one
another; do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another.
Be, O slaves of Allah, brothers.”
(Bukhari, Muslim)
Ja‘far ibn Muhammad (ra) said: If you hear something about your
brother that you dislike, then look for excuses for him, from one to
seventy excuses; if you find an excuse for him (all well and good),
otherwise say: Perhaps he has an excuse that I do not know of.
(Al-Bayhaqi in his al-Shu’bat al-Imaan)

Al-Maqsûd
Solution to assumptions
• Deal with each as individual
• Listen first- check understanding
• Avoid generalisations
• Communicate first, act second
• Make safest assumption first- assume
other person means well
20

Al-Maqsûd
BREAK
10 minutes
21

Al-Maqsûd
Guidelines for Communication
The Holy Qur’an
22

Al-Maqsûd
ْ‫ن‬ِ‫م‬‫وا‬ُّ‫َض‬‫ف‬‫ن‬ َ‫َل‬ ِ‫ْب‬‫ل‬َ‫ق‬ْ‫ل‬‫ا‬ َ‫يظ‬ِ‫ل‬َ‫غ‬‫ا‬ًّّ‫ظ‬َ‫ف‬ َ‫ُنت‬‫ك‬ ْ‫َو‬‫ل‬َ‫و‬ ْۖ‫م‬ُ‫َه‬‫ل‬ َ‫نت‬ِ‫ل‬ِ َّ‫اّلل‬ َ‫ن‬ِّ‫م‬ٍ‫ة‬َ‫م‬ْ‫ح‬َ‫ر‬‫ا‬َ‫م‬ِ‫ب‬َ‫ف‬
ْ‫ل‬َّ‫ك‬َ‫و‬َ‫ت‬َ‫ف‬ َ‫ت‬ْ‫م‬َ‫ز‬َ‫ع‬‫ا‬َ‫ذ‬ِ‫إ‬َ‫ف‬ ِۖ‫ر‬ْ‫م‬َ ْ‫اْل‬ ِ‫ِف‬ ْ‫م‬ُ‫ه‬ْ‫ر‬ِ‫او‬َ‫ش‬َ‫و‬ ْ‫م‬ُ‫َه‬‫ل‬ ْ‫ر‬ِ‫ف‬ْ‫غ‬َ‫ت‬ْ‫س‬‫ا‬َ‫و‬ ْ ُ ْ‫هْن‬َ‫ع‬ ُ‫ف‬ْ‫ع‬‫ا‬َ‫ف‬ َۖ‫ك‬ِ‫ل‬ْ‫و‬َ‫ح‬
َ‫ني‬ِ‫ل‬ِّ‫ك‬َ‫و‬َ‫ت‬ُ‫ْم‬‫ل‬‫ا‬ ُّ‫ب‬ِ‫ح‬ُ‫ي‬ َ َّ‫اّلل‬ َّ‫ن‬ِ‫إ‬ ِۚ َّ‫اّلل‬ َ‫َىل‬‫ع‬
So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient
with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in
heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon
them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the
matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah .
Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].
Surat 'Āli `Imrān: 159

Al-Maqsûd
Three stages of Listening
Process
24
1. Receiving
2. Processing
3. Responding
Receiving- sensory organs
Processing- analysing, evaluating, synthesizing-
meaning- effected by emotion/ concentration-
speaker cannot see/ hear this
Responding- verbal/non-verbal

Al-Maqsûd
ْۖ‫م‬ُ‫َه‬‫ل‬ َ‫نت‬ِ‫ل‬ِ َّ‫اّلل‬ َ‫ن‬ِّ‫م‬ٍ‫ة‬َ‫م‬ْ‫ح‬َ‫ر‬‫ا‬َ‫م‬ِ‫ب‬َ‫ف‬
ِ‫ْب‬‫ل‬َ‫ق‬ْ‫ل‬‫ا‬ َ‫يظ‬ِ‫ل‬َ‫غ‬‫ا‬ ًّّ‫ظ‬َ‫ف‬ َ‫ُنت‬‫ك‬ ْ‫َو‬‫ل‬ََ
َۖ‫ك‬ِ‫ل‬ْ‫و‬َ‫ح‬ ْ‫ن‬ِ‫م‬‫وا‬ُّ‫َض‬‫ف‬‫ن‬ َ‫َل‬
ُ ْ‫هْن‬َ‫ع‬ ُ‫ف‬ْ‫ع‬‫ا‬َ‫ف‬‫و‬
ْ‫م‬ُ‫َه‬‫ل‬ ْ‫ر‬ِ‫ف‬ْ‫غ‬َ‫ت‬ْ‫س‬‫ا‬َ‫و‬
ِ‫ر‬ْ‫م‬َ ْ‫اْل‬ ِ‫ِف‬ ْ‫م‬ُ‫ه‬ْ‫ر‬ِ‫او‬َ‫ش‬َ‫و‬
ِ َّ‫اّلل‬ َ‫َىل‬‫ع‬ ْ‫ل‬َّ‫ك‬َ‫و‬َ‫ت‬َ‫ف‬ َ‫ت‬ْ‫م‬َ‫ز‬َ‫ع‬‫ا‬َ‫ذ‬ِ‫إ‬َ‫ف‬ۚ
َ‫ني‬ِ‫ل‬ِّ‫ك‬َ‫و‬َ‫ت‬ُ‫ْم‬‫ل‬‫ا‬ ُّ‫ب‬ِ‫ح‬ُ‫ي‬ َ َّ‫اّلل‬ َّ‫ن‬ِ‫إ‬
So by mercy from Allah , you
were lenient with them
And if you had been rude [in
speech] and harsh in heart,
they would have disbanded
from about you
So pardon them
and ask forgiveness for them
and consult them in the
matter
And when you have decided,
then rely upon Allah
Indeed, Allah loves those
who rely [upon Him].
HUMILITY
SELF RESTRAINT IN
EMOTION/
PATIENCE
ABANDON
ASSUMPTION
BE GENUINE
ACTIVE RESPONSES
SHARING/
VERIFYING
MAKE FINAL
JUDGEMENT
WITHOUT
TRANSGRESSING
NOT TO
TRANSGRESS
IS REWARDING
Receiving
Processing
Responding
Outcome
Listening is Act of Worship- Active Listening

Al-Maqsûd
Beliefs
Values
Perceptions
Thoughts / expectations
Emotions
Behaviours and Actions
Change
Manage
Develop
Shift
What others don’t see
But can deduce

Al-Maqsûd

Al-Maqsûd
Radar on
Speaker
Active
Listening
Toolkit
The Magic
Ingredient

Al-Maqsûd
3 Skills to Attain
29
ONE
Radar on
Speaker
TWO
Active
Listening
Toolkit
THREE
The
Magic
Ingredient

Al-Maqsûd
1. Radar on speaker
• Capturing whole message
– Words
– Tone
– Body language- gesture, eye contact, facial expression, posture
• Giving speaker full attention
– Giving yourself to speaker
• Steady eye contact
• Sincere facial expression
• Open receptive body language
• Encouraging- non-judgemental tones
• Avoid bad habits in listening
– Poor eye contact- looking away/ locking in, rolling eyes
– Unfavourable Facial expression – frown, smirk, raising eyebrow, blank look
– Unwelcoming posture- slouching, being closed
– Excessive movement- fidgeting, squirming- not sitting still. , pulling on self ie beard
– Ineffective placement- distant, facing away, preoccupied
– Uninviting tone of voice- harsh reactive tone, biting sarcasm, monotone
30

Al-Maqsûd
2a. Active listening Tools
• TOOL 1- Drawing out speakers message
– Listener helps speaker express content of message
• Letting speaker in:
– Door openers (non-verbal)
» Head nodding
» Smile appropriately
» Show look of interest/ concern
» Turning/ facing/ leaning towards speaker
» Steady eye contact
– Door openers (verbal)
» Hum, right, yes, I see (tone)
• Echoing
– Repeat key word
– Wait after echo
• Probing
– Open-ended questions (what, how, why, explain, describe, elaborate, give, tell)
• Checking subject:
– You’re referring to
– Repositioning speaker
31

Al-Maqsûd
2b. Active listening Tools
• TOOL 2- Verify understanding of message
– Capturing emotions [ …sound like you’re excited]
– Paraphrasing […in other words]
– Reflective paraphrasing [ …you’re feeling…because of…. Is that right?]
• Avoid “I know how you feel”
• Do not make it “I” focussed- but “you” focussed
• Does not check others emotion if “I” focussed
• No emotion expressed from you if “I” focussed
– Sharing examples
• Conditions:
– Hear the whole story
– Give relevant example
– Deliver it well
» Connecting statement from speaker to you- [your situation sounds like...]
» Tell your story briefly only
» Connecting statement back to speaker [like you experienced…right?]-
speaker focus
32

Al-Maqsûd
Summary of active listening tools
1. “you” focussed vs “I” focussed
2. Drawing out vs telling / reporting
3. Receiving/ non-judgemental vs
expressing opinions
4. Less said vs more said
5. Gain meaning vs express meaning
33

Al-Maqsûd
When he (Messenger of Allah SAW) addressed
someone, he turned his entire body. The Prophet,
peace and blessings be upon him, looked at the
ground more than he looked up due to the power of
his gaze. He didn’t maintain his stare at people, due
to the strength of his gaze.
(Shamaa’il Tirmidhi)

Al-Maqsûd
The Prophet paid equal attention to everyone. People came to
him with all kinds of problems. He took full interest in the
personal problems of people. Sometimes old women and
slaves stopped him on his way to discuss something. He
stopped and patiently listened to them. When the conversation
was long he would sit on one side of the street to give them
sufficient time. He listened to everyone patiently and would not
be the first person to leave.
In assembly, when the Prophet (saw) spoke, everyone calmly
and respectfully listened to him. He turned his face in different
directions to pay attention to everyone. When someone else
spoke to him, he heard him patiently

Al-Maqsûd
Imaam Hasan Radiyallahu 'Anhu says, (my younger brother) Husayn said: "I
asked my father (Sayyidina 'Ali Radiyallahu 'Anhu) about the conduct of
Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam in his assemblies' He replied.. 'Rasulullah
Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam was always happy and easy mannered. There was
always a smile and a sign of happiness on his blessed face. He was soft-natured
and when the people needed his approval, he easily gave consent. He did not
speak in a harsh tone nor was he stone-hearted. He did not scream while
speaking, nor was he rude or spoke indecently. He did not seek other's faults.
He never overpraised anything nor exceeded in joking, nor was he a miser. He
kept away from undesirable language and did not make as if he did not hear
anything. If he did not agree with the next person's wish he did not make that
person feel disheartened, nor did he promise anything to that person. He
completely kept himself away from three things: from arguments, pride and
senseless utterances. He prohibited people from three things. He did not
disgrace or insult anyone, nor look for the faults of others, he only spoke that
from which reward was attained

Al-Maqsûd
They did not argue before him regarding anything. Whenever one spoke to him the other
would keep quiet and listen till he would finish. The speech of every person was as if the first
person was speaking. (They gave attention to what every person said. It was not as is
generally found that in the beginning people pay full attention, and if the talk is lengthened
they became bored, and begin to pay less attention). When all laughed for something, he
would laugh too. The things that surprised the people, he would also show his surprise
regarding that. (He would not sit quietly and keep himself aloof from everyone, but made
himself part of the gathering). He exercised patience at the harshness and indecent questions
of a traveller. (Villagers usually ask irrelevant questions. They do not show courtesy and ask
all types of questions. Sayyidina Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam did not reprimand
them but exercised patience). The Sahaabah would bring travellers to his assemblies (so that
they thernselves could benefit from the various types of questions asked by these people,
and also hear some questions regarding which they themselves, due to etiquette, would not
ask). Rasulullah Sallallahu 'Alayhi Wasallam' would say: 'When you see a person in need,
then always 'help that person'. (If someone praised him, he would detest it). If someone, by
way of thanks praised him, he would remain silent, (because it is necessary that one 'thank a
person for a good favour or good deed. It is like one fulfilling one's duty. Some of the 'ulama
have translated this as: 'If one did not exceed in praising him, he would keep silent'. That
means if he exceeded he would prohibit him). He did not interrupt someone talking and did
not begin speaking when someone else was busy speaking. If one exceeded the limits he
would stop him or would get up and leave (so that that person would stop)".

Al-Maqsûd
3. Magic Ingredient- Empathy
• Empathy (manner of display>care/ respect) + (emphasis
on listening> understand message from speaker
perspective)
– Catch> Fact + Emotion= meaning/ understanding
vs
• Sympathy (manner of display>care/ respect)
– Catch> Emotion only= not meaning/ understanding
38
Facts + Emotion =
Meaning of
message

Al-Maqsûd
One of the Tabi'i Imam Ata ibn Abi Rabah (‫عنه‬ ‫هللا‬ ‫)رضى‬ said:
"A young man would tell me something that I may have
heard before he was born. Nevertheless, I listen to him as
if I had never heard it before.“
Khalid ibn Safwan al-Tamimi, who frequented the courts of
the two Khalif'as Umar ibn Abd' al-Aziz (‫عنه‬ ‫هللا‬ ‫)رضى‬ and
Hisham ibn 'Abd al-Malik (‫عنه‬ ‫هللا‬ ‫)رضى‬ said:
"If a person tells you something you have heard before, or
news that you already learnt, do not interrupt him to
exhibit your knowledge to those present. This is rude and
ill mannered."

Al-Maqsûd
"Never interrupt a talk, though you know it inside out".
- Al Hafiz al-Khatib al-Baghdadi

Al-Maqsûd
Exercise 3
Group Role- Playing
41

Al-Maqsûd
Avoid verbal barrier modes
– Critic mode- [little put-downs]
– Identifier mode- [me too mode]
– Defensive mode- [defend first – ask later]
– Denying mode [dismissive language]…you’re too sensitive
– Being-Right mode [black and white thinking- everything right or wrong]
halal Vs haraam no mubah
– Interrogator mode- [closed-end, leading the witness statements]
– Sparring mode- [argument vs rebuttal]
– Diagnostic mode- [psychological analysers making assumptions and
then feedback]
– Advice mode- [announcing solutions without understanding problem
42

Al-Maqsûd
Seven Listening Tips
1. Grasp main ideas (content + emotion)
2. Use familiarity to your advantage (don’t make assumptions and be
positive)
3. Eliminate physical distractions (i.e. mobiles)
4. Act on what you say you would do- (follow-through skills)
5. Take an interest (saves time overall)
6. Remember you have 2 ears/ 2 eyes/ one mouth
7. Patience- (control own emotion)
You don’t control anyone else- but you can influence them
The person you have most control over, is you!
43

Al-Maqsûd
‫خريا‬‫اهلل‬‫كم‬ ‫زا‬‫ج‬

The Power of Active Listening

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