The presentation is an exposition on the effectiveness of assertive behavior and communication vis a vis less effective and potentially destructive behavior such as aggression, passivity and passive aggression. A simple model of learning the art of assertive communication is presented. The presentation provides opportunity for personal reflection on one's tendency towards either assertive or non-assertive behavior and communication.

1. Understand and Master
ASSERTIVENESS [1]
Skills For Success in Life Series
Facilitator
Sylvia Icharia
1

2. There is only one parking space
You are next in line just about to move in
A motorist appears from nowhere and
bulldozes you out of the way and into the
space
What would you do?
Picture this ...........
2

3. • Your workmate repeatedly requests
you to help them with their work
• You have too much to do as it is
How would you respond?
How about this……
3

4. • You are at theATM lobby
• You are third in a queue of about eight people
• Someone walks in right to the front and takes
the next turn
What would you do?
Now picture this……….
4

5. What do you think this guy would do?
5

6. Four Reactions
My
1] Bulldozers
3] Pretend doormats
4] Pillars
2] Door-mats
6

7. Four Behaviors
My
1)Aggressive
3) Passive Aggressive
4) Assertive
2) Passive
Bulldozers
Door-mats
Pretend
Door-mats
Pillars7

8. How
dare you
annoy
me?
Attacks
Directly
Aggressive Behavior
I
WIN
8

9. My
I would not
dare annoy
you
Avoids or
gives in
YOU
WIN
9

10. Passive Aggressive Behavior
3) The pretend doormat Never mind.
It is okay.
I am not annoyed.
Attacks
indirectly
I will
get
you!!!
Since I can’t win this
I will not let you win10

11. 4)The pillar
Let us talk about
this issue please
Win –Win11

12. AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
(Bull-dozers)
 Get what they want at the expense of others
 Express their needs and wants freely
 Don’t regard the feelings of others highly
 Intimidating behaviour
 Blame others
They make others feel:
 Angry
 Afraid
 Hurt
 Resentful12

13. PASSIVE BEHAVIOR
(Door Mats)
 Little regard for their own rights
 Respect other people’s rights more
 Avoid conflict
 People pleasers
 Easily taken advantage of
 Others make choices for them
 Self blame
They make others feel
 Frustrated
 Guilty
 Superior
13

14. PASSIVE - AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR
(The Pretend Door-mat)
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
Appear calm and detached BUT Harbor aggressive emotions
Allow their rights to be
violated
AND Violate the rights of others
Appear innocent or
helpless
BUT Behaviour always has a vicious
edge
 Manipulative
 Guilt-tripping
14

15. PASSIVE – AGGRESSION
(The Pretend Door-mat)
 Sulking
 The silent treatment (Nil By Mouth)
 Behave like a victim/ exaggerate misfortunes
 Silent stubbornness
 Sarcastic
 Wilful incompetence/learned helplessness
 Deliberate stalling/ delay
 Chronic forgetfulness
 Withholding
 Gossiping
 Sabotage efforts of others
They make others feel:
 Suspicious
 Frustrated
 Angry
 Cheated
15

16. Striking the balance…
16

17. ASSERTIVENESS
The ability to express your feelings and needs clearly
without feeling angry or anxious
17

18. Communicating directly and honestly without disregarding the
other person’s needs or intentionally hurting their feelings
Passivity Aggression
ASSERTIVENESS
18

19. Benefits of Assertiveness
Enhances mutual understanding
Fosters mutual respect
Reduces conflicts and arguments
Nurtures synergy
Enhances sense of control
Boosts self confidence
Decreases guilt and increases satisfaction
19
Nurtures long-term mutually satisfying relationships

20. Assertive Management
Why?
Managing people and situations assertively will:
Increase morale
Enhance productivity
Earn you respect (not fear or scorn)
20

21. Becoming Assertive
Can you find a happy balance between the two extremes?
PASSIVITY AGGRESSION
21
IT IS A SKILL THAT YOU CAN LEARN
Can you communicate
your needs and
feelings
honestly and
constructively?
It is an art

22. Mastering Assertive Communication
WHY???
It increases your competence in communication
You become more influential
It enhance your problem solving capacity
You draw people closer to yourself
You enjoy a long and rewarding career as you work
much better with others
22

23. Mastering Assertive Communication
HOW???
5 simple steps :
1) Describe
2) Disclose
3) Identify effects
4) Be silent
5) Paraphrase
 You are growing increasingly frustrated with Jane’s continued
lateness at the weekly staff meetings
 How can you can communicate this message assertively using
the method outlined above?
23
Illustration

24. Mastering Assertive Communication
Action You says Jane says Rationale
DESCRIBE Describe how you view
the situation
I have noticed that
you are usually 15
minutes late to
our weekly staff
meetings.
 It helps build
empathy
 It helps avoid a
lengthy and
potentially
critical or
aggressive
speech about
the other
person's unjust
treatment
DISCLOSE Let the other person
know how you feel
about the situation you
have described.
I feel as if you
don't take our
weekly meetings
seriously.
24

25. Mastering Assertive Communication
Action You say Jane says Rationale
IDENTIFY
EFFECTS
State the effects of
the other person's
behavior on you or
others
When you are late
it disrupts our
meeting
Helps the other
person
understand
where you are
coming from
BE SILENT Wait for a
response
[Non-assertive
people find this step
hard]
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I
was creating a
problem.
I have another
meeting that
usually goes
overtime
Gives the other
person an
opportunity to
respond and be
heard
25

26. Mastering Assertive Communication
Action You say Jane says Rationale
PARAPHRASE Reflect your
understanding of two
things:
i)the content of the
message
ii)the implied
feelings
So, your challenge
is a time conflict
with another meeting.
Trying to do two
things at once must
make you feel
frustrated
It establishes an
empathic
connection
between both
parties
The Goal: Establishing an empathetic connection
Why?
 It becomes easier to explore a workable solution once the other party senses
your goodwill towards them
 Psychologically, the other person does not feel the need to be defensive
26

27. What if the other person’s response is
evasive or aggressive???
Just go through the steps again
BUT………………….
Keep Your Emotions In Check
ALWAYS
27
Broken Record
TECHNIQUE

28. TheVerbal Language
 Speak calmly and confidently
 Avoid excessive vocal intensity (don’t yell or whisper)
 Use “I” rather than “you” statements
 Don’t apologize for the message
 Don’t blame or judge the other person
 Do not be afraid to say “no” respectfully
 Avoid sarcasm or rudeness
 Speak respectfully at all times
28

29. The Body Language
 Keep an upright but relaxed posture
 Make good eye contact
 Keep your gestures relaxed, fluid and moderate
 Breathe normally and don’t hold your breath
 Keep your face relaxed
 Ensure that your facial expression and does not
contradict your verbal message e.g. smiling to soften the
blow
29

30. Assertiveness in Action ………
Assertive communication is easier said than done
True or false???
30

31. The Over-riding Principle
Honor HonorBegets
When you show other people honor,
they are more positive, receptive and
agreeable towards you31

32. Two Questions
1) What is your default mode?
2) What are you building?
Bridges Wallsor
32

33. In concl
Let us build bridges…
not walls.
(Martin Luther King, JR.)
33

34. Facilitator
SYLVIA ICHARIA
(ichariasylvia@yahoo.com)
Skills For Success in Life Series
34