The document discusses the importance of self-disclosure and vulnerability in communication, particularly in leadership, highlighting how these elements foster connection, trust, and effective feedback. It emphasizes the need for emotional awareness and regulation, both individually and within teams, and offers strategies for giving and receiving feedback to facilitate growth and understanding. The overall message encourages leaders to be more open and use emotional language to enhance relationships and team dynamics.

1. Founder Communication
InnerSpace
Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
July 2, 2015

2. Why am I doing this? (Part 1)

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
We are constantly
making the choice of
letting our self be
more fully known
Self-Disclosure

7. Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as
the expression of
uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability

8. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers was
strength of affection – both given & received –
with their team.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders

9. Authentic Leaders
You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some)
“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.
Paradox of Trust?

10. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust
• Repair distortions
• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

11. Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk & learning
5 Levels of Communication

12. 1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 Levels of Communication

13. 5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
5 Levels of Communication

14. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to
connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line

15. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Team & Culture

16. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

17. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Regulation
EQ (Individual)

18. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(Our Team)
Outward
(Other Teams)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Regulation
EQ (Group)

19. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ

20. Photo by jm3 [link]
Our Norms

21. What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Our Norms

22. Feedback & Influence

23. Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/
PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e
BLIND

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

25. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

26. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

27. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

28. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

29. Old Mental Model
Goal: Get you to change
Assumption: I know the full truth
Action: I will tell you what you are
doing wrong
Mental Models of Feedback
New Mental Model
1. Assumption: I know something
you don’t (my reactions) – you
may also know things I don’t.
2. Action: Share my news, listen
for yours
3. Goal: Expand our shared
information, enter into joint
problem solving

30. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

31. Old Mental Model
Goal: Get you to change
Assumption: I know the full truth
Action: I will tell you what you are
doing wrong
New Mental Model
Goal: Expand our shared information,
enter into joint problem solving
Assumption: I know something you
don’t (my reactions) – you may also
know things I don’t.
Action: Share my news, listen for
yours
Mental Models of Feedback

32. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you
3. Do not address my motives or intentions
(Do ask about them & listen actively if I choose to share.)
Stay on your side of the net!

33. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].

34. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are
clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about whether I am doing a good job with
this presentation.

35. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

36. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

37. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

38. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

39. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

40. Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Challenge Yourself

41. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 