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Fierce
- 1. one conversation ata time Introducing Susan Smith’s book… fierce conversations “So will all of the experts and the terminally self-absorbed please leave the room and close the door behind you? Thanks.” - Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations
- 2. Fierce Conversations Strengths 2.0 Problem? Issue? What’sbugging you? clker.com
- 4. Three transformational ideas fierce One conversationat a time The conversation is the relationship With myself and sometimes others conversations = personal AND professional success
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- 7. Come out frombehind yourself, into the conversation, and make it real One word that describes you: .
- 8. Come out frombehind yourself, into the conversation, and make it real Where am I going? Why am I going there? Who is going with me? How will I get there?
- 9. Come out frombehind yourself, into the conversation, and make it real Fierce Conversations I Need to Have… PERSON TOPIC • • • • • •
- 10. Be here, preparedto be nowhere else
- 11. Be here, preparedto be nowhere else Knee to knee Eye to eye
- 12. Tackle your toughestchallenge today http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhmMU6afIHo
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- 15. Let silence dothe heavy lifting
- 16. Typesofconversations team conversation coaching conversation delegationconversation confrontation conversation
- 17. Typesofconversations team conversation coaching conversation delegationconversation confrontation conversation
- 18. Address attitudinal, behavioral,or performance issues CONFRONT OVERCOME ENRICH
- 19. The Confrontation Model OpeningStatement (60 sec or less) 1. Name the issue 2. Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change. 3. Describe your emotions about this issue. 4. Clarify what is at stake. 5. Identify your contribution to this problem. 6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. 7. Invite your partner to respond.
- 20. The Confrontation Model 8.Inquire into your partner’s view. Paraphrase. 9. What have we learned? Where are we now? Has anything been left unsaid that needs saying? What is needed for the resolution? 10. Make a new agreement and determine how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it.
- 21. ? Think… What is atstake for you to gain if you get really good at practicing the seven principles? Achieving success one conversation at a time
- 22. What’s Your Message? Theymay not remember what you told them, but they will never forget how you made them feel. http://www.fierceinc.com/blog/?tag=fierce-conversations Visit the Fierce blog:
Editor's Notes
- #2 Welcome to Fierce Conversations! My name is Lisa Young, and I am the Coordinator for 21st Century Learning and PD in Southlake in Carroll ISD. This presentation is based on the book, Fierce Conversations, written by Susan Scott. Susan Scott has worked with hundreds of large corporations and school systems to teach positive change through powerful communication. The way to succeed, she says, we must transform our everyday conversations with effective ways to get our message across. Many times throughout this presentation, I will actually read the book aloud. Consider it your own personal audio summary of the book fierce, with a little Lisa Young here and there.Before we move forward, please note that people resent being talked to. We would rather be talked with, says Susan Scott. [Click]“So will all of the experts and the terminally self-absorbed please leave the room and close the door behind you? Thanks.” Click when you have thoroughly debriefed and are ready to proceed. [Click]
- #3 I don’t know if you have read Strengths-Quest, Now, Discover Your Strengths, or the newly released Strengths 2.0, but if you haven’t, I encourage you to read it. Inside the book is a code to an online test that takes about 15 minutes to complete. Once done, the test reports your top 5 strengths. I have taken this test three times, and each time I have the result of Communications as being my top strength. Well, according to the book, we must take time to work on our strengths, not just our weaknesses, in fact by so doing we will gain more results. So, I began my embarkation to learning more about effective communication. I picked up Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. I couldn’t put it down. It is not a book, it is like a User’s Manual.So, I took a class on Fierce Conversations last spring at Region XI. I signed up for the course because I constantly found myself avoiding tough conversations, where I needed to confront someone. Instead of going to the person, I stewed and let bitterness take root. I knew in my heart that I needed help…. I needed strategies and some tools, maybe a template, to face these difficult conversations. Right now, I want you to think about a problem you may be having, something that is bothering you about someone or some thing. Have you been treated unfairly? Do you feel someone has been selfish? Have you been wronged? Take a few minutes to analyze the situation.
- #4 Spend just a minute jotting down synonyms of the word “fierce.” I will pause while you do this. According to Roget’s Thesaurus, the word fierce has the following synonyms: robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed, untamed. As Scott defines in her book, “A fierce conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” How do you feel about “real” conversations? Are you afraid of “real?” It is the UNREAL conversation that should scare you to death!
- #5 How many of you have had to clean up after NOT having a conversation? Has it ever been too late before you realized that you needed to have a conversation, and since you didn’t, someone you cared about was hurt? [click]Make the connection between conversations and your personal and professional success. Conversations equal personal success as well as professional success.Three trademarked ideas that Susan Scott shares with us are as follows:1. Our work, our relationships, and our lives succeedor fail one conversation at a time.® You got to where you are one conversation, or lack thereof, at a time. Sometimes HERE just happens. Ask yourself, “How did I get here?”2. The conversation is the relationship.® If we compromise what we talk about, how often we talk, and the need to be authentic and real in conversations, it is a deadly demise. Each conversation we have can do one of three things: enrich a relationship, flat-line them, or take them down.3. All conversations are with myself and sometimes they involve other people.®We must search for truth and think about how we feel. I encourage you to see p. 50 for this. Also, we must think about the golden rule when it comes to having fierce conversations.
- #6 I like to get an overview before beginning. So, what we will be looking at during this presentation are Susan Scott’s seven principles of fierce conversations. In her book she also outlines [click] 4 types of conversations. Today, we are only going to focus on the [click] confrontation conversation. Let’s start with the seven principles.
- #7 Companies, marriages, families, and schools derail temporarily and permanently because people don’t say what they are really thinking. Avoidance is the way of life. Nothing said, so nothing to answer. What you believe to be true reflects your reality. Interrogate your reality. Question it, probe it, doubt it, rethink it, analyze it, and challenge what you believe to be true.Susan Scott on p. 15 talks about Beach-Ball reality. Think of your school or department as a beach ball. You are standing on blue. (Read p. 15.) Some people hide out and don’t make their color known. Scott refers to this as the “Corporate Nod.”There are three stages to interrogating reality:Identify the issues on the table and propose a solution if possible.Check to make sure everyone understands. Listen.Check for agreement.Companies and marriages derail because people don’t say what they are really thinking. Tell story about marriage and how I kept my feelings inside for so long until I eventually grew bitter.I encourage you to read more about this principle, particularly the section on “mineral rights” and having a “mineral rights conversation.”
- #8 Be real and authentic. “Authenticity is not something you have; it is something you choose.”On p. 74, Scott explains how she has her workshop participants, “Barring all else, what is one word or phrase that absolutely describes you?” Before moving on, do this now, for yourself. What is a word or phrase that unfailingly describes you?
- #9 Okay, you’ve described yourself in one word. Now, take time to detail it out. Who are you??? See p. 81-84 you’ll find out about a stump speech. During the seminar I attended, the presenter dedicated 20 or so minutes to having us write our own stump speech. I sat there in my chair, almost nervous. I had to commit to write about myself right here and now? I didn’t want to. But, I did. I am glad I did. Since that time, I have a greater clarification about myself: who I am, where I’m going, and how I will be there. I have a greater peace from this experience. Take time right now to stop, set the timer for 15 minutes, and begin answering these questions.
- #10 Hopefully you have a fresh idea of who you are and where you are headed in life. I know that I do. Realizing who I am and where I am going only made me then realize the need to have some fierce conversations. These may be the conversations that you have been avoiding for months or years. Some of them may be undiscussables in your life. You may have not addressed them. Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you address them today, but we are going to identify them. Write down the name of each person and a sentence eor two about the topic for the conversation.(Read p. 84 at bottom and p.85 at top.)
- #11 If you wish to accomplish great things, then you must understand one basic principle about humans: humans basic need is a universal longing to be known and being known, to be loved. Did you see the movie Avatar? In that movie the way the natives say hello actually means, “I see you.” When our conversations disregard this basic need, then things don’t change. We must transform the way we speak, the way we ask, the way we listen. “Hi. How are you today? Fine.” We need to get past that. We need to be with the person we are with, even for a brief moment, there and nowhere else. When we listen to someone beyond words for intent, clarity and character emerge. We need to listen this way to ourselves, not just to others. We must also listen to others. If we want to move organizations, school, companies, missions, and relationships forward, then don’t take the conversation away from the other person and fill the air with your stories.
- #12 You have now taken time to think about your fierce conversation. Now, schedule a one-to-one with someone at work and someone at home. Choose a person who you sense is struggling with an issue. Start the conversation with “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about today?”Describe the issue. How is the currently impacting you? Who or what else is being impacted.If nothing changes, what are the implications? What else? When you consider those possible outcomes, what do you feel?How have you helped create this issue or situation. What is the ideal outcome? What else? When you contemplate these possibilities, what do you feel?What’s the most potent step you can take to begin to resolve this issue? What exactly are you committed to do and when? When should I follow up with you?Look to p. 113 to debrief. Were you genuine? Did feelings get expressed? Who talked the most?
- #13 My youngest son, Braden in 8th grade, plays football. He is the smallest player on the team and generally on the field at any point. Don’t let me mislead you, he was not born to play football. He would like for you to think otherwise. Braden has learned to be successful on the football field because he can tackle. There are many people that have greater athletic skill sets than my son. However, Braden was usually led the team in tackles due to the fact that he was not scared and put all of his effort and energy into that specific moment at that specific time. Many times we shy away from difficult conversations we need to have because we are scared of the other individual, what the outcome might be, or we don’t put our full effort into it. If you apply yourself with 100% effort and energy, you can tackle any conversation.Okay, think about what you need to tackle. What conversation (Read p. 139)Break down potentially challenging issues into three distinct parts: opening statement, interaction, and resolution.1. Name the issue2. Select a specific example for illustration3. Describe your emotions about the issue.4. Clarify what is at stake5. Identify your contribution to the problem6. Indicate your wish to resolve the issue7. Invite your colleague/partner/friend to respond.8. Ask your colleague/partner/friend their view.9 Questions: What have we learned? Where are we now? What is needed for resolution? How can we move forward from here given our new understanding?10. Make and agreement and discuss accountability towards the agreement.
- #14 Do not trust your instincts, obey them. This requires for you to listen to your internal voice. Listen for more than content; listen for emotion and intent as well. There are things our gut knows long before our intellect catches on.The most important and valuable thing we can do is finding a way to say the things that can’t be said. “While you were speaking I had a thought that I would like to check this out with you.” This is called perception checking.
- #15 My in-laws live in Clear Lake City in Houston on Nassau Bay, and my husband grew up there his entire life. One of the featured locations CNN showed when Hurricane Rita came through was Nassau Bay. Any time there is a hurricane or tropical storm, my inlaws neighborhood, situated directly on the bay, floods. In order to avoid additional damage, cars and boats are restricted from traveling the streets, which become temporary rivers and streams. This is done in order to keep the wake from causing additional flooding and damage in homes that are right at the water line and edge to save thousands of dollars from possible damage. I recall being there and asking why cars and boats could not travel down the streets. I had not even thought about the wake that is produced when a car or boat would travel through water. In the same way, many people do not think about the emotional wake, being positive or negative, that is left after a conversation. We must be sensitive and think about the wake that a conversation may cause. An emotional wake is what you remember after I am gone. What you feel. The aftermath, aftertaste, or afterglow. Before you have a fierce conversation, think … “What do I want them to remember when I’m gone? I need to say that, and only that…clearly!”“Thinking about the wake of a boat before entering into a conversation would help me to imagine that the conversation has ended, and to visualize the wake left by my boat. What wake do I hope to see?”(Read p. 216 bulleted points.)
- #16 (Read p. 222 “So Many Words, So Little Substance.)Sometimes the best way to make a point is to let that uncomfortable silence do the talking for us. I don’t know about you, but when there are moments in conversations that become uncomfortable, my first instinct is to make it feel better or feel the silence with noise to ease the comfortableness of the situation. However, Susan Scott says that we should be aware of this time and allow the silence to do the heavy lifting. So, there are times when not talking is best. Fierce conversations REQUIRE silence.This is a hard one for me. My mind goes 90 miles an hour. The second something comes out of someone’s mouth, my mind makes a connection, another point, a disagreement, something. I sometimes find I will interrupt the other person because I am so excited about my newfound connection. Assignment: Commit to allowing space and silence in conversations. Take time during a conversation to sit and reflect on the contents and how they are saying what they are saying.
- #19 confrontation conversationEnrich relationships while effectively addressing attitudinal, behavioral or performance issues with a colleague, a team or a challenging customer. Rely on this approach to: Confront tough issues with confidence and skill.Overcome barriers to meaningful conversations.Enrich your most challenging relationships.
- #20 There are ten steps in Scott’s Confrontation Model. The first seven are in the 60 second intro/opening statement.
- #21 There are ten steps in Scott’s Confrontation Model. The first seven are in the 60 second intro/opening statement. (P. 254)