This document provides guidance on how to have difficult but important conversations. It suggests preparing yourself by reflecting on the issue, your assumptions, emotions, and desired outcome. When having the conversation, choose an appropriate time and place, provide notice and an agenda, and listen without judgment. Focus on sharing perspectives rather than blaming. The goal is understanding, agreement, and positive next steps rather than conflict.

1. Margaret Alcorn
November 2013

2. 
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No-one comes to school hoping to do a bad
job
Telling someone what they are doing wrong
does not lead to improvement
Blame (however sweetly delivered) corrodes
confidence
The best learning is collaborative
and
I am not always right

3. The first conversation to have is with yourself.
What is the issue?
Why is it bothering you? What gets you “hooked”?
What are your assumptions?
What emotions are attached to the situation?
What is your purpose in having the conversation?
How will you start it?
 What will happen if you have this conversation?
What will happen if you don’t?
 What does a successful outcome look like? What do
you want to achieve?
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4. 
Choose your time and
place: stress
free, uninterrupted and
pleasant
(Coffee and tea is good)

Collect your data/evidence

Plan your opening
statement

Give advance notice of the
meeting and the agenda
for discussion

5. 
Select a real situation you face

Find a partner

Decide who will go first

Let your partner know a small bit about the
situation and person

Practice your opening

Partner: provide feedback after the opening

Switch roles

6. 
State what you want to discuss. “I want to talk to you
about...”

Share a specific piece of evidence/data. “I saw…”

Explain what is bothering you. “I am concerned about..”

Describe the importance. “This matters because...”

Acknowledge your involvement. “I may have some
responsibility for this. . .

7. Listen, be flexible if you can, be clear what change you want to see

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Ask for the other’s perspective. “Help me
understand your point of view.”
Use a coaching approach. Be quiet and
curious. “Tell me more about that.”
Ask for what you want next. Make an
agreement. Say, “Thank You.”
Summarize what has been learned.
Re-state the importance. State what you will
do. Offer help if appropriate.
Arrange check back date/meeting.

8. 
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Reflect on the outcomes. Did you achieve
clarity, consensus?
Send note of meeting, agreed outcomes and
date for follow-up
Make early contact. “How are you feeling
about our discussion?”

9. 

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We all see the world
differently; all perceptions
are valid
This is about owning and stating
your point of view, AND being
open and willing to hear and accept
another point of view
Start your sentences with “I”; Sentences that
start with “you” sound accusatory and
blaming and may result in defensiveness

10. 
You are the head teacher
In small groups of 3 or 4,
discuss – what will you do?


11. The first conversation to have is with yourself.
What is the issue?
Why is it bothering you? What gets you “hooked”?
What are your assumptions?
What emotions are attached to the situation?
What is your purpose in having the conversation?
How will you start it?
 What will happen if you have this conversation?
What will happen if you don’t?
 What does a successful outcome look like? What do
you want to achieve?






12. 

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Preaching/Moralising
Advising/Giving
solutions
Evaluating/Blaming
Interpreting Diagnosing
Warning/Threatening
and of course
Ordering/Directing
You ought to ….
Why don’t you? ….
You shouldn’t ….
You need to ….
You’d better ….
You should ….

13. 

Crucial Conversations (Kerry Patterson, Joseph
Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler)
Difficult Conversations (Douglas Stone, Bruce
Patton, Sheila Heen, and Roger Fisher)

Fierce Conversations (Susan Scott)

Fierce Leadership (Susan Scott)

14. Thanks for listening