3. A discussion between two or more people where
1) Stakes are high
2) Opinions vary
3) Emotions run strong
4) The outcome greatly impacts their lives
4. • Ending a relationship.
• Asking a friend to repay a loan.
• Giving the boss feedback about their behavior.
• Critiquing a colleague’s work.
• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping
commitments.
• Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or
resources.
5. 1) Biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to the arms
and legs (fight or flight), low blood flow to the brain.
2) They arise without warning: catch us by surprise
3) Confusion: they required us to improvise, often without
rehearsal time
4) Self-defeating behavior: we do or say the wrong thing,
something that makes it worse
6. • We can avoid them.
• We can face them and handle them poorly.
• We can face them and handle them well.
7. • Kick start your career.
• Improve your organization.
• Improve your relationships.
• Revitalize your community.
• Improve your personal health.
8.
9. • The first conversation to have is with yourself.
• What is the issue?
• Why is it bothering you? What gets you “hooked”?
• What are your assumptions?
• What emotions are attached to the situation?
• What is your purpose in having the conversation? How will you
start it?
• What will happen if you have this conversation? What will happen
if you don’t?
• What are you personally accountable for?
10. • Embrace a mutual purpose.
• Offer mutual respect.
• If you are misinterpreted, use a contrasting statement,
state the message you’re NOT trying to send and then
state the message you ARE trying to send.
11. • Seek first to understand.
• Listen with curiosity and care, not judgment.
• Listen for what is NOT being said.
• Ask open-ended questions, such as “Tell me more…” and
“Help me understand…”
12.
13. • Adopt the “Yes, and…” stance.
• We all see the world differently; all perceptions are valid.
• This is about owning and stating your point of view, AND
being open and willing to hear and accept another point
of view.
14.
15. • Start your sentences with “I”.
• Sentences that start with “you” sound accusatory and
blaming and will likely result in defensiveness.
• Accurate and less hostile way to express a feeling or an
emotion you’re experiencing.
• I-language won’t work in families where the parents tend
to not listen when their children have problems.
• If you want your kids to listen to you when you have a problem,
they must feel that you listen to them when they have a problem.
• I-Language must be seen as a direct appeal for help.
• Ask if the child would be willing to help you.
16. • State what you want to discuss. “I want to talk with you
about...”
• Share a specific example. “I heard…”
• Explain what is bothering you. “I am concerned about…”
• Describe the importance. “From my perspective this is
important because…”
• Own your own stuff. “I have some responsibility…For
this, I am sorry.”
• Ask for the other perspective. “Help me understand your
point of view.”
17. • Use the tools you have. Be quiet and curious. “Tell me
more about this.”
• Summarize what was learned.
• Re-state the importance.
• Ask for what you want next. Make an agreement. Say,
“Thank you.”
• Check back in two weeks.
18.
19. 1) State what you want to discuss.
2) Share a specific example.
3) Explain what is bothering you.
4) Describe the importance.
5) Own your own stuff.
6) Ask for the other perspective.
7) Summarize.
8) Re-state Importance.
9) Ask for what you want to happen.
10)Explain what you will do.
20. • They are called difficult conversations for a reason.
• Preparation is key.
• Don’t be afraid to practice.
• Any final thoughts, questions, etc?
Editor's Notes
Ask the audience to reflect/speak on any of these experiences or if there may be some missing from the list.
