The document provides guidance for effectively handling difficult conversations. It discusses how difficult conversations typically involve high stakes, differing opinions, and strong emotions. It then offers tips for preparing for and having constructive difficult conversations, including understanding your own perspective and emotions, seeking first to understand the other person's perspective, finding common ground or mutual purpose, taking responsibility for your own role, and following up afterwards. The overall aim is to have difficult conversations in a respectful manner that improves relationships and outcomes.

1. Dubuque Circles Initiative
Leadership Track

3. A discussion between two or more people where
1) Stakes are high
2) Opinions vary
3) Emotions run strong
4) The outcome greatly impacts their lives

4. • Ending a relationship.
• Asking a friend to repay a loan.
• Giving the boss feedback about their behavior.
• Critiquing a colleague’s work.
• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping
commitments.
• Talking to a colleague who is hoarding information or
resources.

5. 1) Biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to the arms
and legs (fight or flight), low blood flow to the brain.
2) They arise without warning: catch us by surprise
3) Confusion: they required us to improvise, often without
rehearsal time
4) Self-defeating behavior: we do or say the wrong thing,
something that makes it worse

6. • We can avoid them.
• We can face them and handle them poorly.
• We can face them and handle them well.

7. • Kick start your career.
• Improve your organization.
• Improve your relationships.
• Revitalize your community.
• Improve your personal health.

9. • The first conversation to have is with yourself.
• What is the issue?
• Why is it bothering you? What gets you “hooked”?
• What are your assumptions?
• What emotions are attached to the situation?
• What is your purpose in having the conversation? How will you
start it?
• What will happen if you have this conversation? What will happen
if you don’t?
• What are you personally accountable for?

10. • Embrace a mutual purpose.
• Offer mutual respect.
• If you are misinterpreted, use a contrasting statement,
state the message you’re NOT trying to send and then
state the message you ARE trying to send.

11. • Seek first to understand.
• Listen with curiosity and care, not judgment.
• Listen for what is NOT being said.
• Ask open-ended questions, such as “Tell me more…” and
“Help me understand…”

13. • Adopt the “Yes, and…” stance.
• We all see the world differently; all perceptions are valid.
• This is about owning and stating your point of view, AND
being open and willing to hear and accept another point
of view.

15. • Start your sentences with “I”.
• Sentences that start with “you” sound accusatory and
blaming and will likely result in defensiveness.
• Accurate and less hostile way to express a feeling or an
emotion you’re experiencing.
• I-language won’t work in families where the parents tend
to not listen when their children have problems.
• If you want your kids to listen to you when you have a problem,
they must feel that you listen to them when they have a problem.
• I-Language must be seen as a direct appeal for help.
• Ask if the child would be willing to help you.

16. • State what you want to discuss. “I want to talk with you
about...”
• Share a specific example. “I heard…”
• Explain what is bothering you. “I am concerned about…”
• Describe the importance. “From my perspective this is
important because…”
• Own your own stuff. “I have some responsibility…For
this, I am sorry.”
• Ask for the other perspective. “Help me understand your
point of view.”

17. • Use the tools you have. Be quiet and curious. “Tell me
more about this.”
• Summarize what was learned.
• Re-state the importance.
• Ask for what you want next. Make an agreement. Say,
“Thank you.”
• Check back in two weeks.

19. 1) State what you want to discuss.
2) Share a specific example.
3) Explain what is bothering you.
4) Describe the importance.
5) Own your own stuff.
6) Ask for the other perspective.
7) Summarize.
8) Re-state Importance.
9) Ask for what you want to happen.
10)Explain what you will do.

20. • They are called difficult conversations for a reason.
• Preparation is key.
• Don’t be afraid to practice.
• Any final thoughts, questions, etc?