Do you often find yourself in situations at work where you have to deal with unreasonable requests? How about feeling like you can never get people to really cooperate with you? Or maybe you get along well with your colleagues, but you freeze when you have to deal with angry customers... Each of these situations comes down to communication: the better strategies and techniques you have for communication in the workplace, the easier it is to prevent issues from blowing up, and the quicker you can get to really effective solutions when awkward situations do crop up.

1. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
How to be assertive
in the workplace
Do you often find yourself in situations at work where you have to deal
with unreasonable requests? How about feeling like you can never
get people to really cooperate with you? Or maybe you get along well
with your colleagues, but you freeze when you have to deal with angry
customers...
Each of these situations comes down to communication: the better strategies and techniques you have for
communication in the workplace, the easier it is to prevent issues from blowing up, and the quicker you
can get to really effective solutions when awkward situations do crop up.

2. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Communication styles
There are three main types of communication styles: non-assertive, aggressive, and
assertive. Most people tend to naturally gravitate towards either the non-assertive
or the aggressive end of the spectrum, but the assertive style is the best.
Non-assertive
When you’re being non-assertive, you tend to:
• Be apologetic, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
• Seek permission for things, even when you don’t need to.
• Put yourself down or fail to stand up for yourself.
• Have trouble expressing your needs, opinions, wants, and feelings. You may feel like
you don’t want to bother people, or like what you have to say isn’t important.
• Speak overly softly, in a questioning tone (with your voice going up at the end of a
sentence), or use a sing-song tone of voice.
• Have hunched, protective body language or make yourself look small.
• Cross your arms in front of you or wring your hands.
• Step backwards during conversations.
Common examples of non-assertive communication:
‘I could be wrong, but...’
‘Sorry to bother you...’
‘It’s not really that important, but...’
‘Sorry to ask, but I was just wondering...’
‘I don’t mind; I’ll go with what everyone else thinks...’
‘Just wanted to check in...’

3. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Aggressive
When you’re being aggressive, you tend to:
• Express opinions as facts.
• Put other people down, subtly or overtly.
• Violate other people’s rights.
• Dismiss other people’s needs, opinions, wants, and feelings.
• Feel superior to other people. (This may look like the belief “If you want something
done right, you’ve got to do it yourself!”)
• Not tolerate questioning or different ways of doing things.
• Have a sarcastic or firm tone of voice.
• Speak quickly and fluently.
• Have strong eye contact and invasive body language, like pointing your finger,
thumping your fist, or clicking your fingers.
Common examples of aggressive communication:
‘No, that won’t work. Don’t bother...’
‘You shouldn’t ever do that!’
‘Look at what you’ve done!’
‘It’s all your fault!’
‘That’s just typical...’
‘It’s all part of the job...’
‘Don’t question me, just do XYZ...’
There are lots of problems with both of these styles of communication — nobody
really gets their needs fully met, there’s a lack of realistic goals, and people get their
feelings hurt. The lack of respect also leads to resentment, and makes it hard for
either party to get what they want.

4. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Assertive communication
Assertive communication solves these problems, leading to calm interactions,
honesty and respect for everyone involved in an interaction. It also fosters
understanding, trust, and cooperation, which means that people are more likely to
take responsibility for things, get more done, and be able to get their needs met.
Let’s unpack three assertiveness techniques:
1. Discovering your personal values
The first step to good, assertive communication is actually figuring out what makes
you tick. The reason that people clash is often a difference in values, so if you can
figure out what really matters to you, then you’ll be able to communicate that to
other people and work together to find a way forward.
So what are your personal values? Think about those things that guide your
behaviour and interactions, the principles you live by, and the expectations you have
about other people.
If you’re getting stuck, choose five values from the graphic below, then number
them in order of importance, with 1 being the most important and 5 being the least
important.
Accountability
Consistency
Fairness
Loyalty
Reliability
Support
Clarity
Decisiveness
Gratitude
Obedience
Respect
Trust
Commitment
Directness
Honesty
Patience
Self-control
Tradition
Compassion
Discipline
Independence
Punctuality
Sincerity
Understanding

5. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
2. Describing your feelings
Now that you know your values, you can talk about them when you find yourself
clashing with someone. This is really important, because a lot of times people
don’t realise it when they’re pushing up against your boundaries. Confrontation
needs clarity, so be honest about what’s happening and how you feel about it. And
remember, no one can make you do anything — there’s a big difference between
saying “You made me angry” and “I felt really angry that you did XYZ”.
The key phrase to remember is:
“I feel embarrassed/confused/upset/annoyed when/that you...”
For example, if a colleague was two hours late, you might be tempted to say, “How
ridiculous — being on time is a basic life skill!”
But that doesn’t help anyone. Instead, try really owning your feelings, and say
something like, “I felt really annoyed that I had to wait so long for you”.

6. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
3. Transactional analysis
OK, but what about those situations where you or someone else gets really upset
about something and you can’t quite figure out why? This is where a technique called
transactional analysis is really useful.
Transactional analysis is a technique based on the idea that there are three areas of
your brain:
The Parent area, which
has your unedited beliefs
and the rules that you live
by
The Child area, which has
your feelings, emotions,
and past reactions, and
The Adult area, which
processes data that comes
up in the moment.
Additionally, transactional analysis states that transactions between people (any
conversation or interaction you have with someone else is a transaction) is a stimulus,
which leads to a response that’s based on data from one of these three categories.
This works fine when two people are communicating with complementary
transactions, like Parent to Parent, Adult to Adult, Child to Child, or even Parent to
Child/Child to Parent.
Parent
Adult
Child
Parent
Adult
Child

7. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Likewise, if you’re feeling upset and tell your colleague that you have a headache and
ask them for a paracetamol, and they give it to you without any complaints, you’re
having a child to parent interaction with them, and vice versa, so there’s still no
conflict.
For instance, if you get on the bus and you sit next to someone who says to you,
‘Buses are always packed nowadays’, that’s a belief from their Parent state that
they’ve just told you. And if you reply ‘Oh yes, the things we have to deal with in this
neighbourhood’, you’re responding to them Parent to Parent. What you’re saying to
each other isn’t based in your observation of the reality — you’ve both found a seat
without any problems. But even though it’s not true, you’re not experiencing conflict,
because the transaction is complementary.
Parent
Adult
Child
Parent
Adult
Child

8. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
But when transactions cross, you start to get issues. For instance, let’s say you’re
looking for your keys so you can leave for work. You ask your partner where they
are, and instead of telling you “They’re on the desk”, they say “Why can’t you keep
track of your things? You’re always losing things! You’re not a child anymore!”, then
you’re speaking Adult to Adult and they’re speaking Parent to Child — it’s a crossed
transaction, and the two of you are going to have a conflict.
Parent
Adult
Child
Parent
Adult
Child

9. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Dealing with crossed transactions
When you get a crossed transaction, it’s important to get both people in the
conversation back on the same wavelength, ideally Adult to Adult if you’re trying to
arrive at a solution.
So for instance, if you’re speaking to someone as an Adult and they get triggered into
an emotional Child response, it’s important for you to invite them back into the Adult
mode. You might say something like “I can see that this has really upset you. Can you
tell me what’s made you feel this way?”
Then both of you can work with the real life data that you’re processing Adult to Adult
and figure out a way forward.
Remember:
• Assertive communication fosters calm interactions, trust, and cooperation, which lead
to getting more done and getting everyone’s needs met.
• Everyone has different personal values, and when they clash, you get conflict.
• Take responsibility for your feelings and describe them constructively.
• Emotional data and rules stored in different areas of the brain, and you might not
realise what’s setting you off initially.
• The key to moving forward is analysing real life data.

10. Clear Books Must reads | October 2015
Further reading
Assertiveness at Work, Ken and Kate Beck
How to Deal with Difficult People, Gill Hasson
I’m OK - You’re OK, Thomas A. Harris
Games People Play, Eric Berne
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