1) John Gray authored the bestselling book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" which explored how men and women view emotional support differently. He held workshops where keeping score of affectionate gestures was used as a playful way to illustrate this concept. 2) Similar expectations around courtesy, cooperation, support etc. can apply in the workplace, though different roles may value these behaviors differently depending on circumstances. 3) Using positive language when communicating opens up dialogue and signals a willingness to work together cooperatively, aligning with reciprocity principles. Saying "yes" is more powerful than "no".

1. F R O M I N S I G H T T O R E A L I Z A T I O N
THE POWER OF POSITIVE INTENTIONS part 2

3. 3
THE RE CI PROCITY E FFE CT
Men are from Mars …
John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus (1992), had the bestselling book since
the Bible at one point in time. He was the nation’s most renowned « relationship expert » for years.
Gray also coordinated a series of national workshops for couples to attend. During the mini-retreats, instructions
explained how men and women keep score. The class objective was to learn how to keep romance going forever.
According to the workshop principles, keeping score involved points based on values that the genders put on
emotional support. Although the points game was considered playful and not highly scientific, it served the purpose of
illustrating that men and women may have different ways of appreciating each other. For example, suppose a husband
(Martian) gives a gift (car) to his wife (Venutian). He gives it out of love. However, he isn’t the type who thinks about
the little things that his wife likes; such as greeting her with a hug when he comes home, validating her feelings when
she is upset, offering to help when she is tired, or really listening, including looking away from the television or
computer.
If a woman counts 1 point for each gesture of love, the car gets as many points as picking up groceries on a man’s
way home. The theory goes that the car is worth lots of points to the man, and if little things are forgotten, they
aren’t as important as the grand gesture of buying a car. But a woman still expects the little kindnesses that she
desires.

4. 4
THE RE CI PROCITY E FFE CT
Transfer this to the workplace. These are common expectations of staff members:
• Courtesy
• Greeting
• Cooperation
• Listening
• Supporting
• Remembering
• Understanding
• Honesty
• Accurate work
• Initiative
• Problem solving
• Technical expertise
If we were assigned points to each one of these behaviors, it might look like a values clarification exerice, where those
who value courtesy more than documentation assign a higher value to courtesy. If a CEO were assigning values,
problem solving might rate higher than a greeting. In any situation, these values may vary, depending on the
circumstances and other values that come into play.

5. 5
Positive language opens up communication and tells the receiver that the sender is willing to work in a cooperative manner.
Consider these positive and negative statements and reciprocity principles that correspond to the positive column in table below.
THE RE CI PROCITY E FFE CT

6. 6
WHY Y E S I S SO POWE RF UL
The Law of Attraction does not recognise « No.» This is a point to remember. Whether or not you believe that thoughts
are transmitted and ‘answered’, « No » is a formidable way to receive minus points.
In the Law of Attraction, and in customer service research, « No » is distasteful and causes an immediate reaction.
Even children do not like to be told « No! ». Early childhood educators try to use positive terms to show children what
to do, instead of telling them what they can’t do. « Let’s see, would you like to play with the trucks or the house until
you can play with the blocks? »
Think of ways to say « Yes » instead of « No. » Soft skills are all about ways to put ideas and thoughts into positive
terms.

7. 7
BODY LAN G UAG E
Your body language gives you away.
Check : Body Language Expert Mark Bowden at TEDxToronto - The Importance Of Being Inauthentic
http://youtu.be/rk_SMBIW1mg

8. 8
QUE STI ON S/TI PS
Questions
• What do you expect from colleagues?
• What do you give?
• In your opinion, do you give more than you receive?
• What more would you like?
• What more can you give?
Tips
• Just give.
• Recognise what others do for you.
• Thank people each time they do something for you.
• Appreciate your colleagues verbally as well as non verbally (smiling, nodding).
• Recognise that the universe does give back to you. Look for it.

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Source: Soft Skills Revolutions – Maxine Kamin

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