Puberty feb2019 final

PUBERTY:
Trials, Tribulations, Triumphs
DR. LEAHCIM SEMAJ
FEBRUARY 23, 2019
WWW.ABOVEORBEYONDJM.COM 1

PUBERTY
Trials, Tribulations, Triumphs
DR. LEAHCIM SEMAJ
FEBRUARY 23, 2020
2/22/2019 WWW.ABOVEORBEYONDJM.COM 2

Puberty - "Achieving Positive Outcomes"
OBJECTIVES:
◦ Reduce Adolescent-Parent conflict & Increase Adolescent-Parent closeness.
Mood Swings Peer Pressure Angry Outbursts
Exploring sexuality Challenging your authority
Social Media The Role of Fathers

My Story

www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 6
Mother
Father
Teacher
Peers,
Community
& Media

 A Parent
Until you
are able to
Pay Rent
22 February, 2019 www.LTSemaj.com 7

 God made man and placed him in
the garden of Eden
 “to dress it and keep it”
▪ (Gen 2:15)
 Adam given work to name all the
animals (Gen 2:19)
 Then God provided him with a
woman (Gen 2: 21-24)
22 February, 2019 8

Home
Parents, Siblings
School
Teachers, Principal, Board
Community
▪Peers, Media
www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 92/22/2019

 Mother and Father and
extended family
 Mother and Father
 My mother who fathered me
 Now exit the mother
www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 102/22/2019

Leahcim Semaj
□Social Psychological
Model
□Two Basic Needs
□1. WORK
□2. INTIMACY
22 February2019 www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 11

We All Have 2 Basic Needs:
1. Meaningful & Rewarding
Work.
2. Sustained & Reciprocated
Intimacy.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
D r. L e a h c i m S e m a j
ABOVEorBEYONDJM.COM
876.948.5627

+10 WORK
+10 INTIMACY
-10
-10
OPTIMAL
DEVELOPMENT

22February2019 www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 14
DENY YOUTH ACCESS TO PRODUCTIVE MEANS
USE
REPRODUCTIVE
MEANS
USE
DESTRUCTIVE
MEANS
PREGNANCY
BABY MOTHER
PARASITES
PREDATORS

Human Development
CHILD
ADOLESCENT
ADULT
Boys and Girls
Males and Females
Men and Women
WORK
INTIMACY
PARENTING
1522 February 2019 www.AboveorBeyondJM.com

PUBERTY
2/22/2019 www.AboveorBeyondJM.com 16

Changes

What is Puberty?
Puberty refers to sexually maturating of a child.
It is marked by natural changes in the body making it
capable of sexual reproduction.
With puberty, a child turns adolescent, and the body
begins physical, psychological, and emotional
preparation for adulthood impending a few years later.
◦ http://parentingguide.com/understanding-puberty-guide-parents/

Puberty
The process of physical and psychological
changes through which a child's body matures
into an adult body capable of sexual
reproduction.
It is initiated by hormonal signals from the
brain to the gonads:
◦the ovaries in a girl, the testes in a boy.

With the onset of puberty,
the brain signals ovaries in girls and testes in
boys to produce and release sex hormones that
transform the body.
While it stimulates libido and accelerates
physical growth, the brain, bones, breasts,
sexual aspirations, and skin too undergo
changes.

Until puberty,
the difference between boys and girls lies
only in the external sex organs. But after it,
there is clear separation visible in both
physical and psychological aspects.

Why Puberty
Puberty is a normal stage in your body’s natural
development.
When it reaches a certain age, the gonadotropin-
releasing hormone in the brain becomes more
prominent.
The pituitary gland releases the hormone to blood setting
the stage for puberty. T
ogether with luteinizing hormone and follicle-stimulating
hormone, it activates gonads or sexual glands.

In girls,
these hormones arouse estrogen production in
ovaries that mature eggs and prepares the
body for pregnancy.
In boys, the hormonal combination stimulates
testosterone and sperm production.
Also, with rising hormonal levels in the body,
the physical changes gather speed.

The Timing
However, puberty may start earlier or later
depending on genetics, nutrition, physical
development, social, and environmental
factors.
There is no definite time for starting of puberty,
as it depends on brain and hormone levels and
these are not visible.

The Impact
Puberty unleashes a period of physical growth and development
that lasts between 18 months and five years.
Post-pubertal development in girls is fast paced and it takes about
4 years to attain reproductive maturity from the first visible
puberty sign.
In boys, it takes 6 years.
Girls too have higher estradiol – a metabolic product of sex
hormones – than boys.
This promotes faster physical changes and growth of breasts.

What Happens - Girls

Puberty in Girls: Physical Changes
Breast development:
◦ Starts at the age of 10 to 11 years. It is normal to see one breast developing faster than the other.
Height:
◦ Girls see a spurt in height and grow taller by 5 to 20 cm on an average.
◦ There may disproportionate limb development for a short period with some parts outpacing the
other.
Other physical changes:
◦ Growth continues till 16-17 years. Hip widens and body shape changes.
◦ Pubic hair grows and becomes thicker. Underarm hair grows.
Menstrual:
◦ Menarche or the first menstrual date is the culmination of puberty-induced changes.
◦ It starts around 13 to 14 years on an average.
◦ The menstrual cycle remains irregular at first and then settles.

What Happens - Boys

Puberty in Boys: Physical Changes
Sexual growth:
◦ Penis growth picks up at the age of 11 to 13 years. Testes grow faster and pubic hairs appear.
Physical growth:
◦ Height increases following puberty and continues up to 18-20 years. Boys become 10 to 30 cm taller.
Growth becomes faster. Disproportionate growth of body parts is visible for some time.
Body hair:
◦ Starts appearing around 13-15 years. Hairs become thick in due course and may continue to grow
into the early 20s.
Sperm production:
◦ Boys start to produce sperms around 13-14 years. Penis erections and ejaculations are common. It is
also marked by the wet dream period.
Voice changes:
◦ With larynx becoming larger, voice becomes coarse and has breaks.

Discussing Puberty With Your Child
It is not easy for a child to openly talk about changes, especially
related to sexual organs and feelings.
Similarly, parents feel uncomfortable to ask questions about sexual
changes.
However, it is in the best interest of both the child and her parents to
discuss the pubertal development and consequent changes in an
open and relaxed way.
Children need help and guidance of parents to imbibe and adjust with
changes while parents must know when their children attain
adolescent and make them understand post-puberty developments.

Having The Conversation
As a parent, you must choose the right words and time to discuss with your child
about puberty.
She must be aware of it from her friends and schoolmates.
First, try to know your child’s awareness about puberty and start your
conversation based on that.
Guide her with more information and materials to read.
When you feel that your child is comfortable to discuss the topic, prolong your
discussion.
This also provides you an opportunity to inculcate values about social and sexual
behavior.
Keep talks as confidential as possible.

Tips for Parents Help Children Cope with
Puberty Changes
Adolescence is marked by physical as well as
psychological changes.
About 10 to 20% of teenagers experience
emotional turbulence following puberty.

General Tips
Assuage the feelings of your child about changes following puberty.
Make her understand that it happens in everyone’s life and there is
nothing to feel apprehensive about it.
New physical and emotional changes induce behavioral changes making
your task a bit difficult.

General Tips
You need to adopt a more benevolent approach that assuages their
emotional feelings.
Tell your child about the new phase of life following puberty and
prepare your child to control massive hormonal changes inside the
body.
Don’t tell her about what is right or wrong. Just convey your
expectations, experiences, and empower her to identify what is good
and what is not good.

General Tips
It is common for children to compare their physical shape with that of friends once
they attain puberty.
Help your child to keep away embarrassment and overcome self-consciousness.
Convey her that she has no physical deformity and you are fine with what she is.
With sexual arousal setting in, teens often long for privacy.
Allow your child to have privacy and ample scope for self-discovery of sexuality.
However, ensure she does not indulge in unhealthy sexual discovery or permit
others to exploit her.

MOOD SWINGS

The Mood Swings in Puberty

How to handle puberty and mood
Your gorgeous girl, who used to love
spending time with her mum, suddenly
turns sullen, shuts her bedroom room door
and becomes moody.
◦ https://www.kidspot.com.au/parenting/teenager/teen-development/moody-blues-how-to-handle-puberty-and-
mood/news-story/caeebb1dc9b1ecad6faf6422bf24341a

Where has your daughter gone?
It's a familiar cry from mums everywhere.
It often seems like our lovely obedient
children turn into moody teenagers
overnight.
Don't worry, you can survive this stage and
like every stage in childhood, it will pass.

What is happening to my girl?
Hormones are what trigger the physical changes of puberty, such as
breast development, growth spurts and the start of her periods.
Hormones also have an emotional and mental effect on young girls.
Mood swings can be frustrating for everyone, your daughter included.
One minute she'll feel on top of the world, the next angry and sad at
everyone around her.
You may be confused as she'll turn from a loving affectionate
daughter one minute to slamming her bedroom door and vowing to
hate you the next.
This can put a lot of pressure on the whole family.

It's not just mood swings,
the changes that occur during puberty can be challenging so your daughter will
start to feel self-conscious, confused or even embarrassed.
This may weigh heavily on her mind.
Her body is going through many changes and this can be difficult to deal with.
As she's making the transition to adulthood she's starting to form her own
belief system and ideals, she's beginning to feel more like an adult.
There will be days where she wants to be treated like a grown up and others
where she just wants to be a kid.
This can be confusing for your daughter.

How can you help her?
It's not always easy to help a moody teen as they often don't want the help of their mums or dads. Just
remember:
It's likely that she'll start to confide in her friends more than she does in you, as she'll feel they
understand her better.
It's important to give her a little space.
Also, try and let her know that you went through all of this too and that you're there for her if your
daughter needs you.
Try and keep the lines of communication open, while also respecting her new need for privacy.
Make sure you don't dismiss your daughter's concerns, however trivial they may seem to you, they may
be important to her and teens are often easily embarrassed.

How can you help her?
Teens need a lot of sleep, but they often don't get as much as they need. Encourage your daughter to
rest and go to bed early - proper rest and sleep is essential in keeping her moods on an even keel.
Exercise is also good. It can help manage moods and it also provides a great distraction to some of the
overwhelming feelings your daughter may be having.
Sport is also a good way to help boost her self-esteem and improve her body image, which can start to
suffer at this age.
Girls often feel lethargic around the time of their period, but exercise can help to manage period pain
and boost her energy levels.
Peer pressure starts to become an important influence at this stage. Some of it may be good and some
may be bad.
Encourage your daughter to bring her friends home so you can get to know them.

It's just a stage
Remember, that if your daughter was a polite, obedient girl once and she's now a surly,
grunting teen, it's likely that she will return to being polite and lovely one day.
All the groundwork you put in during the early years come to fruition and your lovely girl will
return.
Just like all other stages in child rearing: this too shall pass.
It's important, though, not to let her blame all her behaviour on her hormones, although her
hormones are definitely affecting her.
Your daughter needs to learn to be responsible and accountable for her actions and
behaviour.
It's all part of becoming an adult.
Good luck!

PEER PRESSURE

Peer Pressure

Positive and Negative Peer pressure

Peer Pressure

Helping Teens Fight Peer Pressure
1. Talk to your kids about the meaning of peer pressure.
◦ You may have a teen or tween that is just not familiar of what peer pressure is.
◦ Let them know that peer pressure can be a manipulation… even by what we
consider to be close friends.
◦ Teach your child to respect other’s decisions, but its best to teach them to make
the right decisions for them.
◦ You don’t have to think and act like everyone else to stand out.
◦ https://www.yourmodernfamily.com/help-teen-with-peer-pressure/

2. Be an active listener.
◦ Do you ever stop to think about the way that you listen to your teen?
◦ Teenagers want to be heard and in this aspect when it comes to talking to
them about the pressures they face just be quiet and listen with interjection.

3. Find ways to strengthen your bond.
◦ If you maintain a close relationship with your child they may be more apt to
discuss peer pressure and other things openly with you.
◦ You can start this now even with children who are not teens.

4. Stay calm and don’t overreact! The first thing your child is going to do if
you jump to conclusions or get upset is shut down and cease
communication. Let’s face it as our children grow older they are going to
talk about things that we may not like to hear. Stay calm and find a center
to stay focused on the needs of your child in the conversation.

5. Be careful with self image comments.
◦ At this point in your child’s life image may be everything.
◦ Whether it is a hairstyle or a favorite pair of pants they want to wear
everyday it is important to be encouraging in a positive way.
◦ Pick your battles and promote things like good hygiene and don’t sweat the
small stuff that may involve a very eclectic sense of style.

6. Encourage good decision making skills.
◦This is perfect not just for the inevitable peer pressures but in
general.
◦Your child needs to be reassured that their well-being is far more
important than what others think they should be doing or
thinking.
◦When faced with peer pressures your children need to be taught
that they can trust their instincts.

7. Know who your child is friends with.
◦This is highly important.
◦Knowing who your child’s friends are will reassure you what type
of people they are hanging out with.

8. Teach your child how to respond to peer pressure.
◦ Peer pressure is going to happen and it does in many forms.
◦ Teach your child how to respond delicately.
◦ It is ok to avoid conflict and express that you disagree.

9. Set boundaries with your child.
◦ It is so important for your child to understand his or her expectations and
boundaries.
◦ If limits are put into place it is likely that your child will respect these things
especially when they are tested by peer pressure.
How are you helping your tween or teen handle peer pressure?
Share your thoughts.

ANGRY OUTBURSTS

Angry Outbursts
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-raise-happy-
cooperative-child/201802/coping-angry-teenager

Terrible 2s to Angry Teens
The teen years are all about kids separating from their parents and becoming
independent.
They are preparing to go out into the world.
This is actually part of the natural process that begins at birth.
It is related to a two year old saying no to everything, to assert her individuality,
or a feisty pre-schooler exclaiming, “You're not the boss of me."
The child declares in words and actions:
◦ I am separate and independent.
This need feels urgent to teens and creates tremendous friction in the
parent/child relationship.

Separation and independence
is often achieved through aggression, including verbal rudeness and at times
physical means.
If you keep these developmental issues in mind, and view disputes with your
teenager and his difficult behaviors in this context, rather than as a power
struggle, a sign of his rejection of you or that he is a bad kid, you will survive
this stage on a more even keel.
Be aware too, that even though teens can seem so mature at times, they are
not fully grown.
The frontal lobe of their brains that regulates self-control is not fully developed
(this happens in the mid-twenties) therefore they are still impulsive and cannot
always think and act reasonably.

Hormones at Work
It is important to keep in mind as well, that the psychological
and emotional turmoil of the teen years is fueled by
puberty hormones that create intense roller coaster emotions
and cause teenagers to have an extremely short fuse.
The way you communicate with your teenager and your
actions play a major role in in the outcome. Here are some
helpful approaches that can lead to more positive results:

Acknowledge her emotions.
If you tell her she may not play any more video games and she
says, “I can't stand you,” focus on her anger and acknowledge
it, “I can see that you're angry, you'd like to continue playing.”
Then set a limit, “Those words are hurtful. It's ok to be angry,
but you need to say, 'I'm really angry' and we can talk about
your feelings.'”

Listen to his requests.
Teens constantly lobby for more freedoms:
◦ "I want to hang out with my friends later,”or “I want to get a tattoo”are common battle cries.
If you say no immediately, the teenager will feel enraged that you have all the power.
Rather than reacting:
◦ “What? Are you crazy?”or saying no immediately,open up a dialogue.
You can say,
◦ “I hear you. You want to stay out later than you are. We have to talk more about this.”
If you disagree with a request, try this:
Restate the issues;
◦ “We have a problem. You want to go to the mall. You have a report due tomorrow. It's my job to make sure you are doing your work for
school. What shall we do?”
Your child will feel his wish is being acknowledged, and he has some power because he is involved in the problem solving.

Respect your child's privacy.
Teens often see their room as their castle and connect it to
their individuality.
It is best to establish a family policy whereby members
knock on the door and not barge into each other's rooms.
Walking in unannounced leads to unnecessary battles.
Teens also feel very protective of their possessions, so it is
always advisable to ask to borrow something and avoid
going through your child's things.

Avoid infantilizing your teen.
Teens have an allergic reaction to being babied.
She wants to feel you respect the fact that she is no longer your little baby and
that she can take care of herself.
Any hint of babying will make her livid, and she will scream, “I don't need you.”
Double standards reign, however.
If she has a science project due, she may ask you to race out immediately and
get her some poster board.
It's best not to jump in and fix something for your child without asking if she
would like your help.

Avoid criticizing his every move.
Teens feel insecure and hate feeling controlled.
Therefore, it's best to avoid giving your child an endless list of
instructions, barking commands at him, or engaging in a
running critique of him.
Speaking in a respectful way is recommended to all people, but
to a teen who feels easily insulted, and each experiences each
criticism as a blow to his self-esteem, it's best to choose your
words carefully.

Spend time with your teen.
Even though your teen constantly seems to want distance
and keeps pushing you away, she still wants
your love and attention.
Though she will not be around much and won't want tons
of interaction, try to establish a few family routines.
If she enjoys playing games, set up an hour or two on a
specific night for a family game night.
Sneak in a pizza dinner, or a walk to the ice-cream shop to
give you a few moments to catch up.

Set up a weekly meeting.
Teens are allergic to talking about college applications
or other major responsibilities.
A parent can feel anxious when the days are passing
by, a deadline is nearing and nothing is getting done.
Establishing a set time for a short meeting once a
week to work on a large issue such as college
applications, will lower your anxiety and reduce the
feeling that you need to nag him to get anything done.

CHALLENGE AUTHORITY

Challenging
your authority
as Parent
https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2015/10/12/10-
strategies-for-dealing-with-a-defiant-teen/

Consequences

A difficult phase in life to navigate
Defying the wishes of their parents (or other authority figures) and testing limits is a
normal part of growing up for teens.
◦ RESISTING YOUR MOTHER
Youth are trying to figure out who they are, establish their independence, and
express themselves.
Unfortunately, in some teens, this process can cause them to act out in an angry,
argumentative, spiteful, or rebellious manner.
But, just because it’s normal behavior, doesn’t make it acceptable.
To keep the peace in your home, parents need a strategy to deal with a teen’s
defiant behavior.

Discipline Flowchart

1. Tie Privileges to Good Behavior.
What your teen might consider as necessities are really privileges
that they should have to earn.
Electronics, money, driving, and time with friends are all wonderful
things that your teen may be allowed when they are behaving
appropriately.
While you should try to keep the link positive – for example, telling
your teen that they have the opportunity each day to earn more
privileges with good choices –
◦ these privileges should be taken away if your teen calls you
names, refuses to comply with house rules, or engages in some
other disrespectful behavior.

2. Avoid Repetition.
For some reason, it seems like most parents, at one point or another, resort to repeating
themselves.
Nagging your teen, or reminding them over and over that if they don’t do something they will be
grounded, usually does not work.
Many times, it just encourages defiance and steals your authority.
Instead,
◦ give directions one time only, offering only one warning,
and then, follow through with a consequence.
It is the fastest way to achieve compliance while also maintaining a more peaceful household.

3. Enforce Consequences.
Once you have decided what limits and/or rules are important to you, stick to them, and establish
specific consequences for breaking them.
You absolutely must follow through in enforcing consequences to see change in your teen’s
behavior.
Do not ever threaten a consequence that you will not enforce – your teen will call your bluff, and,
when you don’t follow through, you will lose your authority. If your teen doesn’t comply, provide
the consequence in a calm manner.
For example, you might say, “You didn’t clean your room like I asked you to, so you won’t be
allowed to go to the movies.”
Or, “Since you came home late tonight, you will not have access to the car this weekend.”

4. Have a Plan.
When your teen acts defiant, the situation can become very emotional.
Your teen may be angry and their behavior can, in turn, make you angry.
Unfortunately, emotional gut reactions generally do not help calm the conflict,
so it is best to create a strategy beforehand.
Plan out what you’re going to say to your child ahead of time, before she acts
out again.
Deliver your message in a simple, clear, and calm manner.

5. Praise Good Behavior.
Offer your teen a compliment or simple thank you when you see them making a
good choice or doing something you asked.
You might say, “Thanks so much for cleaning your room without even being
asked.”
Your compliments (as long as they are not sarcastic or over-the-top) will
encourage your teen to continue to do good things.
If you are always on his back about what he does wrong, he will end up feeling
like he can’t do anything right, so why bother?
Acknowledge the small steps they take in positive directions.

6. Teach Problem Solving.
Despite what your teen may say, they usually do not prefer to deal with their problems alone.
As a parent, you are your teen’s teacher, coach, cheerleader, and disciplinarian.
Part of your role is to teach your teen how to solve their own problems.
When things are calm, you might say, “This behavior won’t solve your problem—it will only get you into more trouble.
So, how can you solve this problem differently next time?”
Listen to what your teen has to say, and suggest ideas if he can’t come up with anything.
Additionally, it’s important to realize that, sometimes, defiance is really a symptom of an underlying problem.
Don’t just assume your child is being defiant when they refuse to do something.
Perhaps they don’t understand their classwork, so they refuse to do their homework, or perhaps they are afraid of
speaking in public, so they refuse to prepare their project.
You might need to help them develop a new or specific skill to address an underlying problem.

7. Focus on One Behavior.
If your teen is acting defiant in a number of different ways, it will be difficult and exhausting to
try to address all of the problems at once.
Instead, choose one behavior that is bothering you the most and begin to plan the steps you will
take to improve that behavior.
For example,
◦ if your teen is disrespecting or cursing at everyone in the family, not doing their homework, and also
breaking their curfew, you need to decide which of these behaviors you cannot live with or seems most
detrimental to their safety.
When you have enforced consequences for the first behavior and it is under control, then you
can move onto the next most bothersome behavior.

8. Pick your Battles.
In all honesty, many family conflicts are not worth your time and energy.
It’s important to decide (with your spouse) which battles are worth fighting and which are best
to let go. Avoid power struggles.
Many times, teens will use petty arguments to delay having to comply with rules. Instead,
concentrate only on battles that truly need your attention to protect your teen’s well-being.
By avoiding minor disagreements, you create a more peaceful environment for your family,
which can actually give your teen more confidence to approach you on more significant issues.

9. Stay Respectful.
Youth often come across as rude and disrespectful to their parents, teachers or other authority
figures, which can be incredibly frustrating.
Unfortunately, many adults respond by being rude and disrespectful back, but this is not
constructive.
As the adult, you must model behavior you want to see.
Regardless of what you “preach,” if your teen sees you respond disrespectfully to them, then
they will assume that disrespectful behavior is appropriate.

10. Get Support.
When our teens act inappropriately, it becomes easy to think we are bad parents and feel
disappointed or even depressed.
Do not buy into these negative thoughts or isolate yourself. Instead, find someone to talk to,
whether it’s a therapist, support group, friend, or a trusted family member.
You will be surprised how much better you will feel when someone simply listens to you.

When Defiance Has Gone Too Far
When disobedience begins to get out of hand, lasts longer than six months, is excessive
compared to what is usual for the child’s age, and/or starts to affect both you and your child’s
social and educational life, then it may be a problem that needs to be addressed.
Children who struggle with excessive disobedience for over 6 months should be evaluated by a
psychiatrist or psychologist.
One possible diagnosis could be Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD),
◦ which is a condition in which a child displays an ongoing pattern of
uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward people in authority.

Final Thoughts…
Remember what you were like when you were a teen, and have empathy for your son or
daughter.
The adolescent years are a time filled with rapid change, mood swings, and growing
independence, but it does not have to be a time of war.
So many people talk about the difficulties of raising a teenager that many parents approach the
adolescent years as an ordeal to survive.
But this is still your child, and he or she needs you.
So while you should stay alert for problems, you should also stay focused on the positive.
Enjoy the unique person your teen is becoming.

SEX

Talking to teens
About sex and
sexuality
http://www.pamf.org/parenting-teens/sexuality/talking-about-
sex/sex-talk.html

“Nuh Talk To Nuh Bwoy”

Talking to Teens About Sex
Even with the support of these external resources, it is important to
remember: parents are the most important sexuality educators for their children.
Talking about sexuality with your children can be a challenge.
Sometimes parents are fearful about saying too much, too soon (although there's no
evidence that this should be a concern).
Some parents feel they don't know enough to be a reliable source of accurate
information.

Sex Education

Additionally, when teens feel uncomfortable coming to their parents or guardians
regarding difficult issues, such as sex, they often turn to their friends and/or the
media in order to gain information.
Often, the information that your teen receives from these sources are either blatantly
wrong or misinformed.
That's why it's important that you start the conversation with your teen early.

Continue this conversation throughout your teen's life by letting them know you are
open and non-judgmental regarding the issue of sex and sexuality.
Remember,
◦ no parent needs to be an expert on sexuality to havemeaningfulconversations with their
children since every parent can share their values about sexuality, relationships, and respect
for others.

While it does take some forethought, parents can provide accurate information to their children about
sexuality and reinforce their spiritual or religious values.
Many families belong to particular religious denominations, while others have a strong sense of spirituality
without belonging to an organized faith community.
Most faith traditions talk about sexuality as a gift of God – something to be respected and in which to find
joy. Still others talk about values and beliefs without discussing religion or spirituality at all.
Whatever your relationship to religion, it's important that you talk with your child about sexuality in the
context of your own personal, moral views.
On this page you will find some things you should know – such as tips and advice – that you should
consider when opening a conversation with your teen about sex and sexuality.

Quick Facts
Parents are the most important sexuality educators for their children.
No parent needs to be an expert on sexuality to have meaningful conversations with their children –
parents can share their values about sexuality, relationships, and respect for others.
Some parents believe that talking about sex will lead to teens having sex.
In fact, research shows that teens who have talked with their parents about sex are more likely to post-
pone sex and use birth control when they do begin.
Teens that have high self-esteem are more likely to make responsible decisions about sex.
Teens often believe that all of their friends are having sex.
This belief puts pressure on teens (especially boys) to have sex.
Teens often overestimate the percentage of their peers that are sexually experienced.

Topics to Talk About
Although your teen may have some concept of these topics due to the media, school, friends, etc. it is important to
discuss these topics with your teen 1-on-1.
Chances are, your teen could be severely misinformed regarding these issues – you cannot assume that your teen is
already well educated regarding any of these issues.
◦ Male& FemaleReproductiveSystems `SexualIntercourse Pregnancy
◦ Abstinence/PostponingSex WaystoShowAffectionWithoutHavingSex
◦ BirthControl SaferSex
◦ SexualOrientation(Heterosexual,homosexual,bisexual,transsexual,etc.)
◦ HIV/AIDSandotherSTDs
◦ EmotionalConsequencesof Sex– rape(suchasdaterape,grayrape,etc.),sexualassault,sexualabuse,etc.
◦ HowAlcoholandOtherDrugsAffectDecisions

How to talk without alienating your Teen
Oftentimes, your teen may seem unapproachable or extremely uncomfortable
when talking to you about personal issues such as sex and sexuality.
Here is a list of advice you may want to consider that can help prevent
estranging your teen in the process:
Be clear about your values. Talk about facts vs. beliefs.
Practice what you preach... ... But don't preach.
Encourage a sense of pride. Keep the conversation going.
Keep your sense of humor!

Be clear about your values.
Before you speak with your child about sexuality, think
about what your values are.
What do you believe?
What does your faith tradition say?
It is important to give your children factual information
◦ – and to be very specific about how your beliefs
either agree with or differ from science.

Talk about facts vs. beliefs
Sometimes, factual information can challenge a personal belief or what a
faith community believes.
This can provide an opportunity to make sure that your child both has
accurate information and hears what your values are relating to it.
It also provides an opportunity to explain that there are different beliefs
in the community, that people are allowed to disagree with each other,
and that differing views should be respected – as long as those views are
based on ethics, responsibility, justice, equality, and nonviolence.

Practice what you preach...
Young people often find it confusing when parents talk about a value regarding
sexuality and then act in a way that does not support that value.
Some common values about sexuality and relationships that most people
support include honesty, equality, responsibility, and respect for differences.
Acting on your values and being a good role model are powerful messages for
your children.
On the other hand, your beliefs will not seem very important or valuable to
your children if they don't see you respect and abide by them yourself.

... But don't preach .
Have a conversation with your children – don't talk at
them.
Find out what they think and how they feel about
sexuality and relationships.
Then you will be able to share information and
respond to questions in ways that will resonate with
the belief system they are developing for themselves.

Encourage a sense of pride
All children deserve to be wanted and loved, and parents can
reinforce this message.
Let them know you are interested in what they think and how they
feel about any topic, whether it is sexuality, school, religion, the
future, or whatever.
When your children share feelings with you, praise them for it.
Correct misinformation gently, and reinforce your values whenever
possible.

Keep the conversation going
Too often, parents think they need to wait until they collect enough
information and energy to be prepared to have "THE TALK" with their
children.
However, sexuality is a part of every person's life from the moment he or
she is born.
It is important, therefore, to start the conversation early, and to make it
clear to your children that you are always willing to talk about sexuality
◦ – whenever questions come up for them, or when a "teachable
moment" occurs.

Keep your sense of humor!
Sexuality, in most of its aspects, can be a joyful topic
for discussion in the family.
Remember to keep your sense of humor throughout
conversations with your child
◦– the conversation doesn't have to be tense and
uncomfortable unless you make it that way.

Things to Remember
Here is an additional list of some important things to remember
throughout your interactions with your teen regarding the topic of sex.
This list includes some additional tips and advice not covered in the
previous sections.
Teens need accurate information and decision-making skills to help
protect them from: the pressure to have sex, unintended pregnancy, and
contracting sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV/AIDS.
If talking with your teen about sex is difficult for you, admit it.

Things to Remember
Don't make the conversation tense; keep your sense of humor.
Use the media (example: TV, movies, magazines, and articles) as well as
real-life situations (example: a friend's pregnancy) to begin talking about
sex.
Share your values regarding sex, but accept that your teen may choose
to have sex despite these values.
Asking questions about sex does not automatically mean that your teen
is thinking about having sex.
Don't make assumptions.

Things to Remember
Ask your teen what they want to know about sex.
If you don't know the answer, admit it.
Find the answers together.
Talk with your teen about reasons to wait to have sex.

Things to Remember
Remind your teen that they can choose to wait (abstain) even if they
have had sex before.
Reassure your teen that not everyone is having sex, and that it is okay to
be a virgin.
The decision to become sexually active is too important to be based on
what other people think or do.
Talk with your teen about ways to handle pressure from others to have
sex.

Things to Remember
To feel comfortable talking openly with you, your teen needs to know that you will not punish him
or her for being honest.
Leave age-appropriate articles or books about teenage sexuality around your home.
◦ Teens will pick them up on their own to read them
Your first talk with your teen regarding sex should not be your last!
Talk with your teen about sex on an ongoing basis.
Let your teen know that you are always open and willing to talk about any questions or concerns
they may have about sex.

And in the end.

SOCIAL MEDIA

Social Media
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/artificial-
maturity/201803/parent-s-guide-social-media-use-kids

Years ago, Apple Founder Steve Jobs said he
didn’t want his kids to even own an iPad.
Why?
Children’s health experts warn
ed (on Facebook) that
◦excessive use of digital devices
and social media “is harmful to
children and teens.”
This is what the research
suggests.

1. How much is too much social media use?
One study by UNICEF, reports that “some time on social media
is actually good” and that “digital technology seems to be
beneficial for children’s social relationships.”
On social media we can connect with friends, give to charities
and be informed of what’s happening around the world.
With too much time, however, screens can become damaging
to our mental health.
The key is to separate understandable concerns with actual
data on the subject.
Believe it or not, the average teen today spends about 9
hours a day on a screen.
That’s like a full-time job.

According to Monitoring the Future,
just two hours on social media has been shown to contribute
to anxiety and unhappiness among teens.
I suggest, a 60-90 minute limit each day.
The other hours should be filled with face-to-face hours with
friends, sports, work, activities, studies and family.
This ratio has been shown to produce happier kids and better students.
Further, it results in more satisfied young adults.
I recognize this will be a major shift for some teens—so if you choose to
do this, start with a conversation about making a slow steady change.

Power of Social Media

2. Should we monitor our kids’ social
media use? If so, how?
Parents differ on their opinions about whether to check what their kids are doing on social media sites.
Some believe their children deserve privacy and should not worry about mom or dad checking on them.
I differ, only because I’ve seen too many case studies of kids not being fully aware of the dangers of predators, mental
health issues and even cyber-bullies who hide behind a screen to wreak havoc on peers.
What’s more, teens receive propositions from adults with wrong intentions and from others who engage in sexting.
The teens in our focus groups told us boldly,
◦ “My parents have no idea what my life is like at night and what I do on social media.”
This suggests to me that they’re up to something their parents may not support.
The statistics reveal that 71% of teens admit to hiding on-line activities from their parents.
As longas theyare minors, I believeit’s wise for parentsor guardiansto checktheirchildren’ssocialmediaposts.

Some apps you can explore to monitor
your teen’s activity on a phone:
1. Norton
◦ Thisallowsyouto setphonetimelimitsandfilterwebcontentcomingin.
2. TeenSafe
◦ Thisallowsyouto trackyourchild’scalls,texts,GPS andsocialmediaactivity.
3. MobSafetyRangerBrowser
◦ Thisenablesyoutoviewyourchild’swebsitebrowsingandsettimelimits.
4. PhoneSheriff
◦ Thisenablesyoutodoall oftheabove,butitisavailableforfewerdevices.
5. DinnerTime
◦ Thisallowsyouto limitphoneInternetuseduringfamilymeals.
6. Qustodio
◦ This allowsyouto trackand set a phone curfewwherephones shut down.
There are actually several other apps
that empower a parent to know what’s
happening on their child’s phone. While
they are minors, I think you should
know.
One other idea might be for parents
encourage their children to use privacy
settings to ensure their posts are going
out to a select set of friends.

3. What are some symptoms that a student
needs to cut back on social media?
According to Common Sense Media, 50% of teens say they are addicted to their cellphone.
While CSM concludes more study is needed to determine how deep digital addiction is, teens feelthe symptoms and consequences
of it.
It’s a growing issue in middle class America.
Two-thirds of parents, 66%, feeltheir teens spend too much time on their mobile device.
Phones have now replacedteens hanging out at the mall or at the movies. It’s a new day.
There are a number of signals a young person naturally sends that they’vespent too much time on social media platforms or on
their mobile device in general:
Withdrawing from face-to-facesocial interaction.
Consistent anxiety,stress or feeling overwhelmedby normal routines.

3. What are some symptoms that a student
needs to cut back on social media?
Grades begin to slip and assignments reflect poor work or are left
undone.
Avoidance of real life responsibilities, such as chores or homework.
Ill at ease, ill-equipped or unresponsive to people in front of them.
Phubbing—teens snub people next to them by looking down at their
phone.
Phones begin to create conflict in their closest relationships.

Cell Phone Detox
A few years ago, a group of college students
“surrender their phones” for a day.
The first two hours were horrific, not unlike a drug
addict giving up their drugs, cold turkey.
After a couple of hours, however, the day began
to feel less stressful.
The students felt liberated from the tether of
their device.
By the day’s end, they revealed how nice it was to
not be enslaved to that phone and that they
wanted to “unplug” on a regular basis.

4. How do I handle arguments about their
portable device?
Millions of parents have walked into landmines, as they disagree with
their child on any number of mobile phone use or social media sites.
Emotional debates occur, which can divide parents and kids and lead
to a breakdown in communication.
I have a suggestion that has worked for many parents along the way.
It’s a step that not only guides the conversations on this topic but
prepares teens for the world they are about to mature into as adults:
a contract.

“phone contract” between a mom
and her child.
The mother had purchased her daughter’s phone (as is usually the case) and the agreement enabled
her (from the beginning) to outline the terms.
In it, she basically reminds her child that Mom bought the phone and, therefore, owns the phone.
Any time the child violates the agreement, the child must give up the device for a period of time.
This is not unlike a contract a customer might enter with AT&T or Sprint or some other carrier.
The difference is, this agreement is laced with love and understanding.
If a parent hosts a conversation and lays out the terms before purchasing the device, things generally
go better.
Both parties agree to it and sign it.
The key is that the parent must stick to the terms and enforce them.

5. Should we be friends with our children
on social media?
According to Pew Research:
◦ 53% are friends with their parents. This tends to work better when the child is between 12-14.
◦ By ages 15-21 it often feels “smothering” to them.
◦ Then, later as a young adult, it seems to feelOK again to them.
◦ 47% are friends with their children on Facebook.
◦ This feels nice to the parent but it’s usually the reason many teens get off Facebook and on to other sites.
◦ 41% are connected with people they have never met in person.
Teens do this because it feels adventuresome, yet safe.
After all, it’s only a screen.
Later, however, it often leads to LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life and can be dangerous.

on social media?
Whatever the case, most parents can bank on one thing for sure:
◦ your child may befriend you on a social media site like Facebook or Instagram, but
they likely have platforms where they use false identities you know nothing about.
A parent may assume they know all about their teens, but would be
shocked if they knew the total amount of personas their children actually
use.
For example, consider “Finsta.”
◦ This is a fake Instagrampersona, where teens can create a totally
fraudulent identity and post things you may never know about.

on social media?
They might have five Snapchat accounts. Or, several Twitter accounts.
Just know that if you and your child connect on one platform, that doesn’t mean it’s
the only one they use.
It may be helpful to talk about this with them, or even talk to one of their friends to
naturally discover if there are any personas you don’t know about.
Our kids need good leadership from us.
Their phones can be helpful rather than damaging if we lead them intentionally.

THE ROLE OF FATHER

The Role
of Fathers

DENY YOUTH ACCESS TO PRODUCTIVE MEANS
USE
REPRODUCTIVE
MEANS
USE
DESTRUCTIVE
MEANS
PREGNANCY
BABY MOTHER
PARASITES
PREDATORS

Male
Young
Uneducated
Unmarried
Unemployed
Unemployable
The Economist, Sept 28, 1996

 Different in its outward
manifestation
 But driven by similar forces

 who is not developing the
competence required for
viability in the NewWork
Order
 is inclined towards using
reproductive means to
compensate

 Fatherless boys
commit more
crimes
 A man in the
home is more
important than
any other single
factor

 84%
 born to unmarried parents
 38%
 have no fathers name on
birth certificate
 66%
 live with only one parent

Children living with:
 Both parents – 58%
 Mother & Step-father – 13%
 Father & Step-mother – 4%
 Mother only – 19%
 Father only – 5%
▪ 1957

 There is a growing amount of
science to back up the idea
that the presence of a father
has powerful and apparently
unique effects on children

 "There's no substitute for a
father's presence”
 Randall Flanery
 Pediatric psychologist
 Saint Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute

 the risk of
 juvenile delinquency
 substance abuse
 sexual abuse
 early pregnancy
 dropping out of high school
 6 times higher for children whose biological fathers are not
part of their lives

 May look at the absence of their father as a
personal rejection
 They see not having father around as proof
there's something wrong with them

 it's more important for him to be
at the weekly football games
 than to be working late to save for a
fancy vacation
 Luxuries aren't really what a child
needs or wants

 Fathers become especially
critical during adolescence
 Fathers are better at setting
limits with teenage boys

 Teenage boys on the brink
of losing control calm down
quite a bit by having their
dads show up
 It can keep things from
escalating further

 As fathers are to sons
 they may be even more so
to the development and
behavior of teenage
daughters
 Girls are twice as likely as
boys to become
depressed after puberty

 Mood changes are often linked
to estrangement from Dad
 Girls look to Dad to give them
a clue about boys
 They miss out if Dad isn't there

 The quality of the
relationship between a
teenage daughter and her
father
 is predictive of the quality of
committed relationships she
will have in her young adult
years

 Perhaps the most amazing
finding of all:
 Girls who grow up without
their biological father are
likely to mature faster
physically
 reach puberty earlier than
their peers
 and get pregnant earlier

 Early puberty may be a response to
high rates of conflict and stress in
divorced and blended families
 In the case of remarriage or blended
families
 early menstruation may result from the
presence of a non-related male in the
home

 The body can detect the
presence of a genetically
unrelated "strange male" in the
immediate vicinity
 That seems to trigger sexual
readiness

 The earlier and longer the
exposure to a stepfather or
other unrelated male adult in
the household
 the stronger the effect
 reports psychologist Bruce Ellis
 in his groundbreaking studies on development and
family structure

 Puberty is delayed by the
presence of the biological
father in the household
 The more fathers interact
with their daughters when
they’re young
 the more puberty is delayed

 the trouble with early physical
maturity is the likelihood that
girls will not be emotionally
mature enough to cope with
male attention

 As a result of their
precocious
sexuality
 They now find No
Panty Day
attractive and
exiting

Fathers count in
ways we never
imagined before

 The range of positive
educational outcomes
found when fathers are
involved in their children’s
learning and in their
schools
 is not simply a result of better-
resourced-and-educated fathers
being more involved.

 Frequency of fathers’
reading to 1-2 year olds
 is linked with their greater
interest in books later
□ A significant relationship is
found between positive
father engagement at age
6,
 and IQ and educational
achievement at age 7

 A father’s education level is an important
predictor
 of his child’s educational achievement
 Low paternal interest in children’s
education has a stronger negative impact
on children’s lack of qualifications
 than contact with the police, poverty, family
type, social class, housing tenure and child’s
personality

 In low income communities,
 fathers’ influence has been found
to be more significant than
mothers’
 for boys escape from
disadvantage
 Fathers exert greater influence
than mothers
 on boys’ educational choices

 Fathers’ risk-avoidance behavior
 has a positive impact on sons’ educational
attainment
 Fathers’ income
 predicts sons’ years of schooling

 Children with involved, caring fathers have better
educational outcomes.
 A number of studies suggest that fathers who are involved,
nurturing, and playful with their infants
 have children with higher IQs,
 as well as better linguistic and cognitive capacities.

 go on to start school with
higher levels of academic
readiness.
 They are more patient and
can handle the stresses and
frustrations associated
with schooling
 more readily than children with
less involved fathers.

 extends into adolescence and young
adulthood.
 Numerous studies find that an active
and nurturing style of fathering is
associated with
 better verbal skills, intellectual functioning,
 and academic achievement among adolescents

 Highly involved biological fathers
 had children who were 43% more likely than other
children to earn mostly As
 and 33% less likely than other children
 to repeat a grade

 The way fathers play
with their children
also has an
important impact on
a child's emotional
and social
development

 spend a much higher percentage of
their one-on-one interaction with
infants and preschoolers in
stimulating, playful activity than do
mothers.
 From these interactions,
 children learn how to regulate their feelings and
behavior.

 can teach children how to deal with
aggressive impulses and physical contact
without losing control of their emotions

 fathers also tend to promote independence and an
orientation to the outside world.
 Fathers often push achievement while mothers
stress nurturing,
 both of which are important to healthy development.

 children who grow up with involved fathers
 are more comfortable exploring the world
around them
 and more likely to exhibit self-control and pro-
social behavior.

 found that children with good relationships with
their fathers
 were less likely to experience depression,
 to exhibit disruptive behavior,
 to lie
 and were more likely to exhibit pro-social behavior.

 found that boys with involved fathers had
fewer school behavior problems
and that girls had stronger self-esteem.

 numerous studies have
found that children who live
with their fathers
 are more likely to have good
physical and emotional
health,
 to achieve academically,
 to avoid drugs, violence,
and delinquent behavior.

 fathers have a powerful and
positive impact upon the
development and health of
children

 who see themselves as simply an "extra set of hands" are not in
a position to help the family fully flourish.
 While the direct relationship a father has with his child is of
paramount value,
 fathers also exercise a strong influence on their children
through the type of life they live in and outside the home.

1. Spending time together enables a father to
get to know and to be known by his child.
2. A father can best discover his child's virtues
and vices, hopes and fears, and aspirations
and ideals
3. Tends to be better at caring.

 Time spent together makes a
father more sensitive to his
child's
 needs for love, attention, direction,
and discipline.
 children often do see time
 as an indicator of a parent's love for
them

 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders
come from fatherless homes
 (Source: Center for Disease Control)
 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger
come from fatherless homes
 (Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior,Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless
homes
 (Source: National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools.)
 70% of juveniles in state-operated institutions come
from fatherless homes
 (Source: U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept 1988

 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a
fatherless home
 Children have a higher rate of
 asthma, headaches, anxiety,
 depression, and behavioral problems

 Teenagers are at greater risk of alcohol, tobacco, and illicit
drug use, and suicide
 Adolescent girls are 3 times more likely to engage in
sexual relations by the time they turn 15,
 5 times more likely to become a teen mother

 Here are some ways experts
say you can protect and
nurture your teen
 while body and brain catch up
with each other

 Many parents, faced with a sullen
teen
 back off just when they're needed
most
 In fact
 today's teens require hands-on
parenting like never before

 They're faced with more options
 Should I take vocational classes or college prep
 Play sports or get a job?
 Have sex or abstain?
 Yet they've never had to get by with so little help from caring adults
 Because of divorce, parents' work schedules, and less contact with
extended family
▪ Laurence Steinberg, PhD
▪ professor of psychology atTemple University.

 Maintaining close contact isn't easy
 Parents often say that every exchange turns into an argument
 Stand your ground when it's in your teen's best interest
 and when you're afraid of being the bad guy
 it's good to remind yourself that it truly is in her best interest
 Low-conflict chats are golden
 look for every opportunity to start one

 Teens who eat dinner with their families
6 or 7 nights a week
 Are about half as likely to abuse drugs and
alcohol
 As those who eat dinner together twice
or less
 Recent study from Columbia university's
center on addiction and substance abuse

 While it's easy to believe teens are totally tuning parents out,
 a Roper poll found that 71% of teens say that parental influence has stopped
them from using alcohol
 Another study found that teens with mothers who voiced their
disapproval of teen sex
 were more likely to abstain
 than those with mothers who kept their opinions to themselves

 in which teenss are a captive audience
 Can be good times to start such conversations

 using something in your child's
world as a jumping-off point
 So share what you really think
about the sexual values
expressed in the lyrics to the
latest song

They did not
apply for the job
of being your
child's primary
socialization
agent

“Every father should
remember that one day
his son will follow his
example instead of his
advice”

 “Every mother hopes that her
daughter will marry a better
man than she did,
 and is convinced that her son
will never find a wife as good as
his father did.”

 “It is admirable for a man
to take his son fishing,
 but there is a special
place in heaven for the
father who takes his
daughter shopping”

How do children
spell love?
T-I-M-E

 We spend so much time
trying to give our children
what we never got
 That we neglect to give
them what we actually got
 Dr. CarolynCooper

Leahcim Semaj, Ph.D.
Chief Ideator & Resultant
Above or Beyond
2/22/2019 204 www.AboveorBeyondJM.com

S
DEAL?
2/22/2019 www.AboveorBeyonfJM.com205

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