The document discusses moving from a reactive to a proactive posture in relationships. It defines reactiveness as tending to react negatively to what is said or done, while proactivity means anticipating issues and responding to underlying feelings rather than messages. Relationships thrive more when people are proactive rather than reactive by focusing on solutions, creativity, and understanding others rather than judgments. The document provides tips for having proactive discussions through attentive listening and reflection rather than reactive arguing. It also identifies potential roadblocks to proactive talks and ways to overcome them.

1. MOVING FROM REACTIVE TO
PROACTIVE

2. FROM REACTIVE TO PROACTIVE
• Couples with healthy relationships tend to be
Proactive people. Their relationships flow out
of their proactivity.
• Couples with unhealthy relationships tend to
be Reactionary people and their relationships
operate from a reactionary posture.
• Moving from a Reactive posture to a Proactive
posture requires a paradigm shift.

3. FROM REACTIVE
• Reactive defined: The tendency to react to
what is being said or done.
• If the thing being said or done is perceived to
be negative, the reaction to it is negative.
• If the reaction to the thing that was said or
done is perceived to be negative, the counter
action is also negative.
• A vicious cycle of negativity results.

4. TO PROACTIVE
• Proactive defined
• To prepare for, or intervene in an expected
occurence, especially a difficult one,
• To anticipate and be ready in advance
• If a negative message is sent, having prepared in
advance, I choose to respond to the underlying
feelings (hurt, overwhelmed,neglected, under-
valued, frustrated, disappointed), rather than
react to the negative message.

5. REACTIVE vs PROACTIVE
• OTHER-FOCUSED vs SELF-FOCUSED- This view
is focused on the thoughts, intentions and
actions of others, rather than centering on
how we are impacting on others. Self-focus is
not self-centered.
• GRUDGE-HOLDING, GETTING EVEN
MENTALITY vs FORGIVING SPIRIT
• JUDGEMENTAL, NEGATIVE, HOSTILE, CRITICAL
vs CONFESSIONARY AND APOLOGETIC

6. REACTIVE vs PROACTIVE
• PROBLEM FOCUSED vs SOLUTION ORIENTED
• STIFLES CREATIVITY AND GROWTH vs
SUPPORTS CREATIVITY AND GROWTH: Allows
you to become the best you that you can be!
• Proactivity creates an environment to minister
to and help our spouse’s weaknesses. It
creates an empathetic, supportive and safe
environment.

7. THE PROACTIVE DISCUSSION
• Based on Deliberative Listening, Reactive
Discussions are not really discussions at all,
they end up being counter-productive, angry
arguments or gripe-sessions.
• Deliberative Listening is not really listening in
the true since. It is based on just hearing what
is being said for the purpose of reacting with a
rebuttal or a counter-argument to what is
being said.

8. THE PROACTIVE DISCUSSION
• The Proactive Discussion is based on Attentive
Listening. Attentive Listening is done with a view of
understanding what is being said. The listener then,
attempts to clarify his/her understanding of the
message by repeating it in his/her own words and
checking with the sender to see if his/her
understanding is correct. This clarification process is
repeated until a complete understanding is confirmed
by the sender. Next, the listener needs to validate the
feelings of the sender. Then the listener can send a
response to the original sender. Now, the original
listener becomes the sender, while the original sender
becomes the listener.

9. THE PROACTIVE DISCUSSION
• The Proactive Discussion is preceeded by
thoughtful reflection and/or reading in which
the individual applies the material only to
his/herself.
• The basis of thought or the reading material is
viewed like a mirror. Everything read or
discussed is received only through the
mindset of “How does this apply to ME?”

10. ROADBLOCKS TO PROACTIVE
DISCUSSION
• Too upset to talk
• Not ready to talk
• Too tired
• Too late at night
• Engaged in something important to you
• Not having healed from past issues
• Has not forgiven your spouse from past hurts

11. OVERCOMING ROADBLOCKS TO
PROACTIVE DISCUSSION
• The solution to the first five roadblocks: Set
an appointment to talk. Give yourselves time
to prepare to talk. Pray and practice. Write it
down. Ask God to give you grace and strenght.
• Healing from past hurts may require Therapy.
• Learning to Forgive your spouse and others
who have hurt you in the past will go a long
way toward healing past hurts.