Gary struggled to let his wife Shirley take on a parental role with his children due to fears stemming from his previous marriage ending. In therapy, Gary realized he was subconsciously making Shirley jealous of his children to assure her commitment, which built resentment over time. When Gary addressed his underlying fears directly, both he and Shirley grew more confident in their marriage.

1. Cohabitation: Is it just playing house?
YOU HAVE SOUND EFFECTS WITH THIS SHOW!
1

2. Story of Gary:
(p 94)
Couples who are intent on developing a long-lasting relationship should strive to
manage their inner concerns and fearsGary's wife, Shirley, complained that he
wouldn't let her take any parental initiative with his childrenUpon first reflection,
Gary was aware that he struggled to release control of his kids, but he didn't know
whyAfter exploring some of the couple's relational history, Gary's therapist uncovered
that the pain of Gary's last wife's abandonment impacted his current marital
concerns. The answer-and Gary's ghost-hit him right between the eyes.
He knew he had been holding on to his children in order to protect them from further
pain, but what he didn't realize was that he was also protecting himself. Holding on to
them meant he didn't have to give as much of himself to Shirley. He feared making
himself vulnerable to hurt, and he worried that she might not be fully committed to
the marriage. He discovered that he had been intentionally making
his wife jealous of his children so he could be assured of her desire for him; the irony
was that over time this inadvertently built resentment in Shirley's heart toward both
him and his children. Instantly Gary realized that he had to wrestle with his own fears-
he had to become a ghost busted-instead of luring his wife into temporarily
alleviating them with her jealous desire. When he faced his fears and learned to
manage them, both he and his wife grew more confidence in their marriage.
2

3. A CASE STUDY IN GHOST BUSTING P 89
The Fear Ghost: Current Fears and Reactions
Triggers:
An angry scowl from her husband . Money missing from the bank account
Husband's lack of interest in her children
Conflict over insignificant things
Thoughts:
This is what preceded my last husband divorcing me; get prepared for the worst
Guard your heart; assume the worst
Protect the kids from his anger
Feelings:
Insecure; fearful; cautious
Hurt; defensive; protective
Actions:
Get quiet and don't share thoughts
Avoid discussing sensitive matters . Jump between kids and husband
Withhold affection
New and Improved: Loving Without Limits
Triggers (these won't change):
An angry scowl from her husband Money missing from the bank account
Husband's lack of interest in her children
Conflict over insignificant things
Thoughts:
I don't know what his scowl means; I need to ask and listen
Give the benefit of the doubt; ask with an open mind Wonder how we can work through this together
Feelings:
Curious about his reactions; open to knowing and understanding more
Secure in his commitment even when temporarily angry
Actions:
Talk; be available; listen to his complaints; share my frustrations . Be affectionate
Be assertive with concerns and working through conflicts
Allow him room to build relationship with my children
Open to his parenting thoughts; we negotiate behavioral management of children together
3

4. Cohabitation (p 95)
Fear of getting hurt and finding convenient ways of coupling is creating an
environment of COHABITATING before MARRIAGE
Belief that a “TRIAL MARRIAGE” will protect us is NOT TRUE
COHABITATION before marriage actually increases the likelihood of Relationship
Breakup even if the couple goes on to remarry.
Dr. Larry Bumpass revealed current cohabitation rate in the US before marriage is
70%
Research shows 9 Factors of cohabiting couples ( P 96-97)
4

5. Cohabiting couples have lower levels of personal happiness and higher rates of
depression than married couples do
Cohabiters value independence more than married partners and have more individual
freedom.
Cohabiters are less likely to be supportive financially of each other than are married
partners.
Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy.
Cohabiters have more negative attitudes about marriage than non-cohabiters.
Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when
compared to other living arrangements.
Marriages preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce.
Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal
faith, church attendance, and joint religious activities.
Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse.
5

6. Essentially, cohabitation is living with second best and then wondering why it didn't
work out for the best
Is cohabitation a true test of a couple's potential marriage quality (i.e., trial
marriage)?
Does it help couples avoid a breakup before marriage or divorce after the wedding?
Absolutely not! Yet couples still do it, even to the detriment of their relationship.
6