The document defines a dysfunctional family as one where conflict, misbehavior, and abuse occur regularly, leading members to accommodate such actions and see them as normal. Dysfunctional families often result from issues like addiction, mental illness, or parents emulating their own dysfunctional upbringings. The document then lists 10 characteristics of dysfunctional families, including using shame to control members, being performance-oriented rather than valuing individuals, having unspoken rules, communicating in coded ways, numbing emotions, being adult-focused rather than child-centered, preoccupying with fault and blame, excelling at defensive "head skills" over emotional "heart skills", and appearing okay on the surface but being incredibly needy underneath.

1. DYSFUNCTIONAL
FAMILIES
Lucia Merino, LCSW
NOVEMBER 2013

2. Dysfunctional Family Definition
A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and even
abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur continually,
leading other members to accommodate such actions. Children sometimes
grow up in such families with the understanding that such an arrangement is
normal. Dysfunctional families are most often a result of the alcoholism,
substance abuse, or other addictions of parents, parents' untreated mental
illnesses/defects or personality disorders, or the parents emulating their own
dysfunctional parents and dysfunctional family experiences.

3. Dysfunctional Families
10 Characteristics

4. Characteristic 1
Shame is used to control
Family members are compared to one another negatively, and
controlled and coerced using shaming tactics such as name
calling, impossible standards, and never being seen as good
enough, sorry enough, or quiet enough.

5. Characteristic 2
Performance oriented
Value and acceptance are achieved by what is done, never by
who you are. Family members are told they will never measure up,
but to keep trying harder. There is no real sense of what constitutes
value or personal worth.

6. Characteristic 3
Unspoken rules
Most rules only become spoken when broken; and they can
change without notice. Unspoken rules are more powerful than
written rules; they include:
Don’t talk: There are no problems here, if you think there are, then
you are (have) the problem. Everything is private and unspoken.
Can’t win: double binds. Never lie, but tell the person on the
phone I’m not here. Tell your parents everything, but don’t tell this
to Mom, it might upset her.
Don’t feel: No one cares how you feel. Feelings are messy; only
performance and appearance counts; feelings become
irrelevant.

7. Characteristic 4
Communication is always coded
Needs or feelings can never be expressed directly, and verbal
statements are seldom to be taken at face value. For example,
“Do me a favor” really means, “Do it now or else,” or “It would be
nice if someone around here took out the trash,” means “You do it
now (or else).” Messages are never direct, therefore triangulation is
common. No one really talks to each other. Bizarre or
inappropriate behaviors are explained, rationalized, softened
(coded). Example, “You know your Dad didn’t really mean…”

8. Characteristic 5
Emotional Numbness
In dysfunctional families, value is given for obeying the implicit,
unspoken rules, don’t feel, talk, think, upset anyone, etc. True
needs are never really met; maintaining family balance is the
highest goal. Consequently, family members become numb to
their own needs and soon can’t even identify how they truly feel
or articulate what they really want. Relationships are never deep;
they are enmeshed, codependent even incestuous, but never
authentic, intimate, life changing or life giving.

9. Characteristic 6
Adult-focused
Children are expected to be miniature adults, and are controlled
by oppressive rules such as, “Act your age,” “Don’t embarrass us,”
“Don’t touch,” “Don’t be a pest,” “Don’t have to much fun,”
“Don’t laugh too hard,” “Don’t ask for anything.” The real
message is “Don’t act like a child,” because children are too
spontaneous and challenge the rigidity and need to control in
these families.

10. Characteristic 7
Preoccupation with fault and blame
It is normal to make mistakes and to be held accountable.
However, dysfunctional families don’t merely hold others
accountable, they indict them. Behaviors are given too much
power. The message is Don’t ever make us look bad, embarrass us,
bring attention to us, expose us, etc. Therefore mistakes are dealt
with harshly, with tons of shame and blame. A great deal of
energy is expended to find fault, or avoid fault. No one wants to
take responsibility; overreaction is common. Family members can
never be good enough or sorry enough. The best bet is to find
someone else to blame.

11. Characteristic 8
Strong on “head skills”
Family members become very defensive; shame and blame
hurt. To survive, family members become experts at self-protection
and quickly learn to deny the existence of problems, blame others
and rationalize issues away. There is constant interrogation, asking
questions for which there are no answers. “What possessed you to
say/do that, is your brain malfunctioning?” The only safe answer is
“I don’t know.” Emotions must never be acknowledged.

12. Characteristic 9
Weak on “heart skills”
Feelings are not allowed; emotions must be thought, not felt. Ask
an adult who grew up in a dysfunctional home how he/she feels
and you will hear thoughts, not feelings. If a feeling cannot be
explained, it must not exist. Experiencing feelings such as
loneliness or sadness is viewed as weakness. Pressure is applied to
make these feelings go away. The result is shame and emotional
numbness, as well as incredibly deep, but unexpressed sadness.
Messages such as, “Don’t act like a baby.” ”Don’t get a big head
about this.” “Why don’t you go cry about it.” “Who do you think
you are?” or, “You’re not special,” deny the humanness and
identity of family members.

13. Characteristic 10
People appear OK, but are incredibly needy
People come away from dysfunctional families with some
important inner beliefs: “I am not lovable; I am only OK when I
perform; I am not capable, valuable or worthwhile; I don’t know
where I fit in or belong.” Family members exist to perpetuate and
support the system; it doesn’t exist to equip, nurture or affirm
them. However, since everyone is so needy and empty, this rarely
happens. Consequently, family members are indicted for failing
and manipulated into trying harder–leading to greater
despair. Shame and neediness gets passed on to future
relationships. The irony is, that on the surface, individuals appear
whole and OK. Underneath however, they are empty, crippled
and disconnected. They long for authentic connection, but don’t
know how. Their system is perpetuated. Unless something is done…

14. WOMEN IN TRANSITION GROUP!

15. Sources:
◦ http://pccwired.org/familytoolbox/general-family/characteristics-of-dysfunctionalfamilies/
◦ http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071215100457AA0ci4z
◦ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family