4. 1. Trust is learned & earned in Nurturing
relationships
2. If you don't strive to trust your spouse
with your children, you will continually
defend them, EVEN when ILL ADVISED
5. 3. Your children will learn that OBEYING
the step parent is optional (since you
always stick up for them) and your
spouse will resent your children
4. Open yourself up to the step parent's
input and Trust their heart:
5. Talk Listen, Negotiate.
6. 1. Stepparents listen to Child's level of
openness and Keep trying to nurture a
Relationship even if they are rejected
again and again PERSISTENCE AND
GRACE must abound.
7. 2. Move from POSITIONAL
AUTHORITY (Boss or Teacher) to
Relational authority (the child knows
we care about them deeply and honors
us by asking for our
direction and opinion)
8. F Overly
Flexible
L
E
Very
X flexible
I
B Flexible
I
Some
L what
flexible
I
T
Inflexible
Y
Disconnected CLOSENESS enmeshed
11. Social Change Organized Pleasing Emotionally Steady
Extroverted vs Open to Change vs Conscientious vs Less Agreeable vs Forceful Calm vs Reactive
Introverted Conventional Organized
Skilled in social Prefers variety to Always prepared Respects others Not easily
situations routine bothered
The life of the Likes to begin new Plans & follows Doesn't like to be Seldom gets mad
party things thru pushy
Comfortable Enjoys visiting Makes & Carries Believes in the Rarely complains
around people new places out plans good intentions of
others
Makes friends Values flexibility Seldom wastes Accepts people as Comfortable in
easily time they are unfamiliar
situations
Often on the go Thinks of new Gets chores and cooperation more Feels comfortable
ways to do things tasks done right than competition with self
away
Loves large Comfortable with Likes order Loves to help Remains calm
parties change others
The center of Tries to follow the Has a good word Remains calm
attention rules for all under pressure
12. 1. Moodiness is an issue for 21% of happy couples but
it's a big issue for most unhappy ones (88%).
2. Majority of unhappy couples are critical and negative
about some aspects of life (88%); far fewer happy ones
are (27%).
3. Control is an issue for 68 percent of unhappy
couples, but for only 10 % of happy ones.
4. In unhappy couples, partners are often concerned that
their spouse is depressed, unhappy, or withdrawn
(82%); a concern for only 23 % of happy couples.
5. Stubbornness is an issue for 93 % of unhappy couples;
in contrast it's an issue for only 36 % of happy couples.
6. Concern for how one partner's temper impacts the
relationship is an issue for 71 %of unhappy couples
but for only 16 % of happy couples.
13. Personality Problem Happy Unhappy
Couples Couples
Moodiness 21% 88%
Critical & Negative 27% 88%
Control Issues 10% 68%
Worried the other is 23% 82%
depressed, unhappy,
withdrawn
Stubbornness 36% 93%
Temper tantrums 16% 71%
14. 1. Don't try to change your partner's personality
It won't work!
2. Be responsible for yourself! The fact that
personality traits are generally pervasive
throughout life does not give you an excuse
not to learn behaviors that will positively
contribute to your marriage
3. Remember the positive aspects of your
partner's personality that first attracted you.
4. Consider where you may be out of balance.
Think of balancing strategies.
5. Talk with each other about how to use your
personality strengths to enhance your
relationship.
15. 1. Brainstorm a list of ways to deal with
this issue.
2. Agree on one solution you will try.
3. Decide what you will each do to
make the plan work.
4. Review the progress in one week.
16. Graphics, desktop publishing, sequencing and editing my OCOI Studios
Xhilliwhack, BC OCOI.Studios@gmail.com
Cartoons permission by cartoonstock.com
Tables and graphs courtesy of Baker Publishing group
Editor's Notes
Parenting…Just like running a country!
Parenting Strengths of Happy vs Unhappy Couples Have concerns about the kind of parent or step parent my spouse will bePercent of Happy couples 6.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 40.00%Have discussed the responsibilities of raising children and step childrenPercent of Happy couples 84.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 54.00%My partner’s family raised children in a similar manner to minePercent of Happy couples 69.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 6.00%We have agreed on how to discipline our children/stepchildrenPercent of Happy couples 68.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 36.00%We agree on the type of religious education for our children/stepchildrenPercent of Happy couples 74.00%Percent of Unhappy couples 44.00%
Biological Parent must pass Authority to Stepparents i.e.: “I know Bob is not your dad, but when I am not here, he will be enforcing the household rules we have agreed on I expect you to be courteous and respect him as you would any authority figureI will back him up just the same as if you caused problems for a babysitter or your school teacher
Biological Parent should build Trust in StepparentsTrust is learned and earned through Nurturing relationships If you don't strive to trust your spouse with your children, you will continually defend them, EVEN when ILL ADVISED(next slide)
Biological Parent should build Trust in Stepparents3. Your children will learn that OBEYING the step parent is optional (since you always stick up for them) and your spouse will resent your children4. Open yourself up to the step parent's input and Trust their heart: 5. Talk Listen, Negotiate.
3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLYStepparents listen to Child's level of openness and Keep trying to nurture a Relationship even if they are rejected again and again. PERSISTENCE AND GRACE must abound.
3. Stepparents should move into Relationship and Discipline GRADUALLYMove from POSITIONAL AUTHORITY (Boss or Teacher) to Relational authority(the child knows we care about them deeply and honors us by asking for our direction and opinion)
Page 111Styles of ParentingDiffering ideas about how best to parent is an issue for 64 percent of unhappy stepcouples. Surprisingly it's also an issue for about onethird of happily married couples. Let's review the different styles of parenting and which one works best. Democratic parenting. Sometimes referred to as authoritative, these parents establish clear rules and expectations and discuss them with the child. Although they acknowledge the child's perspective, they use both reason and power to enforce their standards. On the Parenting Styles and Family Map, democratic parenting represents a balance of closeness and flexibility. Connected parents have solid, loving relationships with their children. This provides the child a safe environment with unconditional support, encouragement, andaffection. The balanced flexibility of the home also provides structure, clear expectations, and limits. When behavioral lines are crossed, children are firmly admonished, but love remains.Considerable research on parenting has demonstrated that more democratic parents have children who are more emotionally healthy and happy, are more successful in school and life, and have a greater value-based outlook on life. They are cheerful, are self-reliant, cope with stress well, and are achievement oriented.
Page 112-113 Authoritarian parenting. These parents have more rigid rules and expectations and strictly enforce them. They expect and demand obedience from their children. The authoritarian style is located in the lower right quadrant of the Family Map and is characterized by very structured to rigid parenting while closeness and loyalty to the family are highly demanded. The more extreme this type of parenting is, the more difficulty for children, especially adolescents, who tend to rebel against it. Children of authoritarian parents are often conflicted, irritable in behavior, moody and unhappy, vulnerable to stress, and unfriendly.Permissive parenting. These parents let the child's preferences take priority over the parents' ideals, and they rarely force the child to confirm to reasonable behavioral standards. Expectations and rules are chaotic at times and are easily manipulated because these parents prefer to keep the peace with their children. A warm, affectionate friendship with the child is the parent's most important priority even though it results in impulsive-aggressive children who are often rebellious, domineering, and low achievers.Rejecting parenting. These parents do not pay much attention to their child's needs but have high expectations regarding how the child should behave. These families have little emotional connection; children are not sure they are loved due to the parents' disengaged style. An environment with high expectations and little emotional support creates children who feel they aren't good enough; failure comes with great insecurity and shows itself in low self-esteem, immaturity, and a variety of psychological problems.Uninvolved parenting. Also called neglectful parenting, these parents often ignore the child, letting the child's preferences prevail as long as they do not interfere with the parents' activities. Like the rejecting parent, uninvolved parents are emotionally disengaged, but they don't have rigid rules or expectations. Rather, they are overly flexible in their structure, leaving the child alone without consistent boundaries. Children of uninvolved parents are often withdrawn loners and low achievers.
SCOPE Personality Profile CategoriesSocialExtroverted vs Introverted . Skilled in handling social situations .The life of the party .Comfortable around people . Makes friends easily . Often on the go . Loves large Parties . Doesn't mind being center of attentionChangeOpen to Change vs Conventional : Prefers variety to routine . Likes to begin new things . Enjoys visiting new places . Values Flexibility . Enjoys thinking of new ways to do things . Comfortable with changeOrganizedConscientious vs Less Organized: Always prepared . Makes plans and sticks with them . . Carries out plans . Seldom wastes time . Gets chores and tasks done right away . Likes order . Tries to follow the rules .PleasingAgreeable vs Forceful:Respects others . Doesn't like to be pushy . Believes in the good intentions of others . Accepts people as they are . Values cooperation over competition . Loves to help others . Has a good word for everyone . Emotionally SteadyCalm vs Reactive: Not easily bothered by things . Seldom gets mad . Rarely complains . Seldom feels blue . Comfortable in unfamiliar situations . Feels comfortable with self . Remains calm under pressure
Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships1. Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy couples (21 %), but it's a big issue for most unhappy ones (88%).2. The majority of unhappy couples are critical and negative about some aspects of life (88%); far fewer happy ones are (27%).3. Control is an issue for 68 percent of unhappy couples, but for only 10 percent of happy ones.4. In unhappy couples, partners are often concerned that their spouse is depressed, unhappy, or withdrawn (82%); a concern for only 23 percent of happy couples.5. Stubbornness is an issue for 93 percent of unhappy couples; in contrast it's an issue for only 36 percent of happy couples.6. Concern for how one partner's temper impacts the relationship is an issue for 71 percent of unhappy couples but for only 16 percent of happy couples.
Specific Unbalanced Personality Traits in Happy and Unhappy Relationships 1 Moodiness is an issue for only a few happy couples (21 %), but it's a big issue for most unhappy ones (88%).2 The majority of unhappy couples are critical and negative about some aspects of life (88%); far fewer happy ones are (27%).3 Control is an issue for 68 percent of unhappy couples, but for only 10 percent of happy ones.4 In unhappy couples, partners are often concerned that their spouse is depressed, unhappy, or withdrawn (82%); a concern for only 23 percent of happy couples.5 Stubbornness is an issue for 93 percent of unhappy couples; in contrast it's an issue for only 36 percent of happy couples.6 Concern for how one partner's temper impacts the relationship is an issue for 71 percent of unhappy couples but for only 16 percent of happy couples.
Suggestions for Dealing With Personality Differences Don't try to change your partner's personality It won't work!Be responsible for yourself The fact that personality traits are generally pervasive throughout life does not give you an excuse not to learn behaviors that will positively contribute to your marriage For example, in order to serve your spouse, you can learn to pick up after yourself even though a mess in the kitchen or dirty clothes on the floor doesn't bother you.Remember the positive aspects of your partner's personality that attracted you to him or her in the first place.Consider where you may be out of balance in your own personality and behavior. Think of strategies that could bring more balance to your life.Talk with each other about how to use your personality strengths to enhance your relationship.
Suggestions for Dealing With Personality Differences Don't try to change your partner's personality It won't work!Be responsible for yourself The fact that personality traits are generally pervasive throughout life does not give you an excuse not to learn behaviors that will positively contribute to your marriage For example, in order to serve your spouse, you can learn to pick up after yourself even though a mess in the kitchen or dirty clothes on the floor doesn't bother you.Remember the positive aspects of your partner's personality that attracted you to him or her in the first place.Consider where you may be out of balance in your own personality and behavior. Think of strategies that could bring more balance to your life.Talk with each other about how to use your personality strengths to enhance your relationship.
