1. Talking
Clearly & Safely
Communication that
Builds Connection

2. Talking Is Hardest
When It Counts Most
• Having a disagreement Easy to fall into bad patterns:
• Needing to share
something personal Less safety
and sensitive
Less communication
More conflict

3. What Are Common Mistakes When
Speaking and Upset?

4. Common Mistakes When Speaking and
Upset
1. Attacking, being accusatory
2. Exaggeration
3. Rambling, being confusing
4. Being vague or too indirect

5. What Are Common Mistakes When
Listening and Upset?

6. Common Mistakes When Listening and
Upset
1. Only preparing what to say back
• Interrupting
2. Distracted by feelings
• Anger
• Defensiveness
3. Selective hearing
• Assumptions, jumping to conclusions

7. What Might We Do If We Feel
Misunderstood & Unheard?

8. What We Might Do If We Feel
Misunderstood & Unheard
• Raise our voice
• Repeat ourselves over and over
• Argue and attack
• Stop speaking and
give up

9. Proving You Have Heard the Speaker
Is Helpful
If the Speaker is certain they are understood
• They don’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the
message over and over
• They feel respected
• They may have clarified their thinking
• They feel empowered and possibly more able to move on to
problem solving
• Often they are more receptive to listen to you now

10. Tool: Power Listening
Show the Speaker that you understand them
1. Frequently paraphrase and reflect back the essence
of the speaker’s message
•Both facts and feelings
2. Signal them to pause if needed, to let you keep up
3. Be neutral; don’t convey your views
•Don’t argue, judge or advise
•Don’t probe; ask only for them to repeat something
4. Ask, “Is there more?” until the Speaker is done

11. Power Listening Practice
1. Decide who will be the Listener first
• Identify who the Speaker is by an object
2. The Speaker shares an opinion on any topic
3. The Listener reflects it back
• Summarizes both facts and feelings
4. Keep your positions until the Speaker is done; then
switch roles
• Do not let it become a conversation until the end

13. Value of Power Listening
1. The Speaker can explore If there is conflict, this
their thoughts and keeps it from getting worse
feelings •Better to “understand
2. The Listener gains more before seeking to be
empathy and connection understood”
• More prepared to solve •People “care what you
problems know when they know that
you care”

14. Tips for Power Listening
1. “Unnatural” 3. Practice it first so it is easy to use
quality makes it when stressed
work against 4. Use when you are being criticized or
“natural” bad don’t know how to react
habits • Disarms critics
2. Respectful • Gives you time to calm down and
listening does not think
mean you agree

15. Tool: Peeves & Praises
1. Each lists three points 3. Exchange lists
of frustration with the • Notice your defensive
other reactions
• Use “I” statements: • Be open to any truth
“I was angry when…,” 4. Respond to each other
“I did not like it when…” • Acknowledge personal
2. Each writes three faults and strengths
points of praise 5. Give thanks in prayer
together
• “I love it when you…”
Adapted from Hyung Jin Moon,
Non-Reactive Empathetic Listening

17. Tool: Power Dialogue
1. Structured talking option 3. Partners take turns
for use in challenging having the chance to
communication fully speak and be
• Use for full discussion of listened to
a problem before trying
to solve it
2. Requires both partners to
understand and use
Power Listening

18. Rules for Power Dialogue
Decide on the first Speaker, then alternate.
Rules for Speaker Rules for Listener
1. Speak for yourself 1. Focus on facts and
• Use “I” statements feelings
2. Pause often 2. Paraphrase the message
3. Affirm the Listener back
• “That’s right,” or gently • Ask if it is correct
correct them 3. No reactions allowed
4. Speak a part of the 4. Ask, “Is there more?”
message, then switch