We interact with others on a regular basis, and help each other all the time. We rarely take time to analyze how we're interacting with others. This activity allows us to become more aware of how we interact with others, and expose us to other ways we might want to consider incorporating in our approach. And while it's titled "how do you lead", it's not just for leaders, or people in management positions; this is for anyone that interacts with other human beings as part of their job, or as part of their personal life.

1. HOW DO YOU LEAD?
Jeff Kosciejew

3. How Do You Lead?
Built upon Leaders’ Actions Speak but Their Talk
Matters articles and workshops by David Verble
http://www.verbleworthverble.com/our-team/david-verble-m-s/
http://www.lean-transform.com/our-partners/david-verble/

4. Possible Outcomes Today
■ Something you can apply with your own teams and
colleagues to enhance current team dunamics &
communication
■ Opportunity to identify where you are now
■ Gain a better understanding into your own style
■ Gain awareness of how others see you
■ But I’m curious why you’re here…

5. Today’s Workshop Format
■ Pair Listening Activity
– 2 rounds + debrief
■ Triad Activity
■ Coding of Statements
– 3 rounds + debrief
■ Open Discussion

6. ACTIVITY #1
Pair Listening Activity

7. Activity 1 – Round 1
■ Organize yourself into pairs
■ Think of a situation at work that is frustrating you. Try not to focus
on the nature of the situation and not have specific people in it (as
much as possible)
■ Determine who will tell their story first
■ You will have five minutes to share this situation with another
person
■ The Listener can ask questions and talk about the story that is
being told, but shouldn’t speak so often that it keeps the Story
Teller from sharing and completing their story
■ Listener, when I call time, you’ll have three minutes to tell the Story
Teller what you heard about the situation, and what they think and
feel about it, and why they think and feel that way
■ Story Teller, when I call time again, please turn away from the
Listener, complete the survey, and turn it face down

8. Time’s Up!
• Story Teller:
• Think of a situation at work that is frustrating you
• Try not to focus on the nature of the situation and not
have specific people in it (as much as possible)
• Share this situation with your partner
• Listener:
• Ask questions and talk about the story that is being told, but
don’t speak so often that it keeps the
Story Teller from sharing and completing their story

9. Time’s Up!
• Listener:
• Share back what you heard about the situation
• Share back what your partner thinks and feels
• Share back why they think and feel that way
• Story Teller:
• Listen to what your partner heard
• Complete the checklist to provide feedback
• Checks are fine, but comments are welcome & encouraged
• NO DEBRIEF OR DISCUSSION!

10. Activity 1 – Round 2
■ Now, switch roles and repeat the process
■ The new Story Teller will have five minutes to to describe
their situation and what frustrates them about it
■ The new Listener can ask questions and talk, but please
remember to not speak so much as to prevent the Story
Teller from completely sharing their story
■ Listener, when I call time, you’ll have three minutes to
tell the Story Teller what you heard about their situation,
what they think about the situation, how they feel about
it, and why
■ Story Teller, when I call time again, please turn away
from the Listener and complete the survey for your
listener and turn it face down

11. Time’s Up!
• Story Teller:
• Think of a situation at work that is frustrating you
• Try not to focus on the nature of the situation and not
have specific people in it (as much as possible)
• Share this situation with your partner
• Listener:
• Ask questions and talk about the story that is being told, but
don’t speak so often that it keeps the
Story Teller from sharing and completing their story

12. Time’s Up!
• Listener:
• Share back what you heard about the situation
• Share back what your partner thinks and feels
• Share back why they think and feel that way
• Story Teller:
• Listen to what your partner heard
• Complete the checklist to provide feedback
• Checks are fine, but comments are welcome & encouraged
• NO DEBRIEF OR DISCUSSION!

13. Activity 1 – Round 3
■ Exchange surveys without discussion
■ Read and reflect on your survey
■ Don’t ask your listener to explain or defend
■ Simply accept it as their experience

14. Activity 1 – Discussion

15. Activity 1 – Considerations
■ Does the Story Teller want your advice or suggestions, or do
they simply want to share their experiences with another
person?
■ As humans (and even worse – as software professionals),
we’re wired to jump to solutions
■ When dealing with others, a problem solving mindset,
requires us to restrain the impulse to show what we know
■ You have the opportunity to ask questions that you don’t
think you already have the answers to
■ You can let your natural curiosity lead and try to learn what
the other thinks

16. ACTIVITY #2
Triad Activity

17. Activity 2
■ Organize yourself into groups of three
■ Determine who will start in each of the following
roles:
– Observer
– Manager / Coach
– Problem Owner
■ Don’t worry, we’ll do this three times, so you’ll have a
chance to be in each of the roles!

18. Activity 2
■ Problem Owner:
– Talk about a real problem / situation in your professional life
■ Manager / Coach:
– Talk about the problem with the Problem Owner as you normally
would; don’t do anything that doesn’t come naturally to you
■ Observer:
– Record, verbatim, the first 10-15 things the Manager / Coach
says in the discussion on the Observation Log

19. Activity 2 – Round 1
■ Each round will last for 5 minutes
■ At the end of the five minutes,
switch roles and continue
– There is no discussion, and
no debrief between rounds
Observer
Problem
Owner
Manager
/ Coach

20. Time’s Up!
• Problem Owner:
• Talk about a real problem / situation in your
professional life
• Manager / Coach:
• Talk to the Problem Owner as you normally would
• Observer:
• Record exactly – verbatim – the first 10-15 things the Manager /
Coach says on the Observation Log

21. Activity 2 – Round 2
■ Switch Roles
■ Each round will last for 5 minutes
■ At the end of the five minutes,
switch roles and continue
– There is no discussion, and
no debrief between rounds
Observer
Problem
Owner
Manager
/ Coach

22. Time’s Up!
• Problem Owner:
• Talk about a real problem / situation in your
professional life
• Manager / Coach:
• Talk to the Problem Owner as you normally would
• Observer:
• Record exactly – verbatim – the first 10-15 things the Manager /
Coach says on the Observation Log

23. Activity 2 – Round 3
■ Switch Roles
■ Second round will last for 5 minutes
■ At the end of the five minutes,
switch roles and continue
– There is no discussion, and
no debrief between rounds
Observer
Problem
Owner
Manager
/ Coach

24. Time’s Up!
• Problem Owner:
• Talk about a real problem / situation in your
professional life
• Manager / Coach:
• Talk to the Problem Owner as you normally would
• Observer:
• Record exactly – verbatim – the first 10-15 things the Manager /
Coach says on the Observation Log

25. You Did It!
■ Observers:
– Give the Observation Log you completed to the Manager / Coach
you observed
■ Manager / Coach:
– Read what you said
■ Now what?

26. Coding
■ If the item is a “Tell”
– A comment, suggestion, impression, idea
– Code it using “TS”
■ If the item is a “Question”
– Code it using “Q”

27. Coding Questions
■ If the item is a “Tell” masquerading as a “Question”
– Add the coding “TS”
■ So it would be “QTS”
■ If the “Question” is a “Leading Question”
– Add the coding “L”
■ So it would be “QL”

28. Coding Questions
■ If it is an Open Ended question
– Add the code “O”
■ So it would be “QO”
■ If it is a Closed Ended question
– Add the code “C”
■ So it would be “QC”

29. Coding Questions
■ For both Open & Closed Questions…
■ If the Question is based on what you think, want to
suggest, or assume about the situation
– Add “MT” to the coding
■ As in: My Thinking
■ If the Question is based on what the other person
knows, thinks, or feels
– Add “HT”
■ As in: His/Her/Their Thinking

30. Coding Summary
Code Description
TS Tell
QTS Tell masquerading as a question
QL Leading question
QOMT Open-ended question, reflecting my thinking
QCMT Close-ended question, reflecting my thinking
QOHT Open-ended question, reflecting the other person’s thinking
QCHT Close-ended question, reflecting the other person’s thinking

31. Considerations
■ Are most of your items Asking or Telling?
■ Were your questions Open, Closed, or Leading?
■ Were your question based on what you were
thinking, or what you wanted to learn about the
other person knows and was thinking?
■ Did you mostly use questions to confirm things you
already knew (or thought), or did you learn and
explore about things you did not know?
■ Is one approach better than another?

33. One Other Resource
■ In addition to the links at the start of this material,
I can’t complete this without provide a reference to a
book by L. David Marquet, “Leadership is Language”
– This book has nothing to do with the material
or activities we’ve covered today, directly…
– It’s a wonderful source to continue learning
about how the language we use can impact
others, and impact the outcomes we
can achieve

34. HOW DO YOU LEAD?
Jeff Kosciejew