The document provides parenting advice and strategies for dealing with challenging children. It emphasizes teaching replacement behaviors instead of focusing on what children "should not" do. It also stresses the importance of an internal locus of control for foster parents, taking responsibility for their own feelings rather than blaming children, and building positive feelings and memories in the child-parent relationship.

1. 3 hours On-Going:
House of New Hope

2. The Flight Attendant tells you that
the cabin is pressurized for your
comfort and in the event of the cabin
should lose pressure, an oxygen mask
will fall down from above.
There instructions are simple…
1. Pull it toward you
2. If you are traveling with a child or
someone that needs assistance,
PUT THE OXYGEN MASK ON
YOURSELF FIRST before you try
to help the child.
How many of you have flown before and can
remember the safety talk before the plane takes
off?

3. When dealing with a
challenging child or youth,
be sure to KEEP
BREATHING.
It will do little good if the
both of you are turning blue
or red depending on your
emotions at the time.
So here is the this training’s best
parenting advice…

4. Teaching is never about “NOT.”
When a child is acting-out, they are
attempting to solve a problem, even
their attempts at problem-solving can
drive us “crazy.”
The goal is to keep them solving
problems, but in ways that are safer,
more effective, more efficient, self-
enhancing or less annoying.
You will never be successful at
teaching a child to not swear, not hit,
not bite, not run, not throw, not
anything…
You cannot teach a child to “NOT”

5. If you know how to ride a bicycle,
there is nothing I can do to teach you
how to not ride a bike.You’ll know
how to ride a bike until the day you
die.
If you are taught how to drive a car
and you find that driving a car is a
whole lot more fun or functional, you
will give up bike riding and go to car
driving.
So that’s what we are really talking
about… trying to move forward with
kids and teach them an alternative
behavior that will take the place of
the less desirable behavior.
Teaching replacement behaviors…
instead of this do that.
It’s like riding a bike…

6. Stress Escalator
Increasing Stress
Problems Solved
• Stress is a good thing.
• Dis-stress is a bad thing.
• Tension grows as problems increase; and tension causes us to produce adrenaline…
the “flight or fight” response.
• Adrenaline causes your body’s capillary system to shut down; sending more blood to
your core.
• Your neo-cortex… the part of the brain that is involved in problem solving… is fed by
capillaries. Under dis-stress, problem solving ability declines.

7. • Healthy stress aids problems solving ability
• Unhealthy dis-stress destroys problem solving ability. In fact, under great
dis-stress, problem solving becomes very primitive…. “REGRESSION”
• Traumatized children live in unhealthy dis-stress and frequently find
themselves behaving in a regressed manner… younger than they really
are.
• It is important to note that this happens to foster parents who become
dis-stressed in the face of a regressed foster child.
• The foster parent starts to use primitive problem solving and begins to
regress, too… name calling, threatening removal, excessive punishments,
angry faces, loud voices, etc.
Regression

8. Forgiveness
Increasing Stress
Problems Solved
FORGIVENESS
• When stress is high in a family, then forgiveness must be just as high.
• You have to be willing to forgive your foster child AND yourself for regressing under dis-
stress.

9. Self-Care
Increasing Stress
Problems Solved
SELF-CARE
• A foster parent must take the time to engage in activities that reduce their stress level.
• You have a responsibility to yourself, family and foster children to keep your stress and
tension at a level that promotes effective problem solving and prevents regression.

10. Some people believe that others or
circumstances are responsible for
their thoughts, feelings and actions.
EXTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL
“You, Life or Circumstances make me
think, feel or act.”
If I am externally controlled and am
unhappy with some aspect of my life,
then I have to wait for someone else
or something else to change it.
Some people believe that they are
responsible for their thoughts,
feelings and actions.
INTERNAL LOCUS OF CONTROL
“I make me think, feel or act”
The most successful people have an
internal locus of control. Why?
If I am internally controlled and am
unhappy with some aspect of my life,
then I can change it.
Locus of Control

11. If you happen to believe that
others, life or circumstances
CAUSE you to feel dis-stress, then
when you are distressed by the
behaviors of your foster child…
1. You will have to pray that they
change their behavior so that
you will get some relief from
your misery, and
2. Your foster child OWNS you!
External Locus of Control and Foster
Care

12. If, however, you happen to believe
that you CONTROL your own
feelings of dis-stress, then when
you are distressed in the face of
the behaviors of your foster
child…
1. You will have the power to
change your own thoughts,
feelings or actions in order to
reduce your own misery, and
2. Your foster child DOESN’T
OWN you!
Internal Locus of Control and Foster
Care

13. If you believe that a foster child can control your effectiveness as a foster parent or
happiness as a person based upon their behavior…
You will not last very long as a foster parent and will not experience a successful foster
parenting experience.
Who’s puling the strings?

14. OK, on your way to an important
meeting you get caught unprepared in
a down pour and get drenched.
You feel a mixture of frustration and
anger.
1. Do you blame the rain for your
feelings?
1. If so, you will have to go outside in
the rain and yell up to the clouds.
You can threaten to spit into the air
or stomp your feet, perhaps.
2. Do you take responsibility for your
own feelings?
1. If so, you can take a few deep
breaths, count to 10, or find humor
in your circumstance.
If rain were a foster kid?
Which approach will be most effective in the long run?

15. KEEP IT AT HOME
• STOP and ask yourself, “What am I
saying to myself that is getting me
angry right now.”
• Remember, all your thoughts
belong to you. All your feelings
belong to you, and all your actions
belong to you.
• If you can teach this step to a
foster child, while you may never
see the benefits of your teaching,
you may be planting an incredibly
helpful seed.
When you find yourself getting angry
with the child, keep it at home…

16. DOWNSIDE
If you are unable to relax, it’s your
fault.
If you are unhappy, it’s your fault.
If you behave in a regressed manner,
it’s your fault.
Keeping it home gives you all the
power and not the foster child.
UPSIDE
If you relax, it’s your fault.
If you feel happy, it’s your fault.
If you behave calmly, it’s your fault.
Keeping it home gives you all the
power and not the foster child.
Keeping it home…
If he chooses the brownie over the apple, is
it the brownies fault, the apple’s failure or
his fault?

17. Most of you thought “RELIEF.”
But if you watch an aspirin
commercial the next time, you
will see that the very first thing
that is being sold is “PAIN” and
“STRESS.”
Before you hear about the
product, how well it works, some
kind of statistic, or even a
testimonial, you are most likely
going to see an actor or actress
acting-out PAIN, STRESS, or even
a SPLITTING HEADACHE.
What do aspirin commercials sell?

18. Advertisers sell us a feeling over
and over again; then attach a
fact to it.
The hope is that when we have
the feeling we will think of their
product or if we want the feeling,
we will think of the product.
Beer commercials sell sex and
fun.
Life insurance sells guilt and fear.
Cars sell status and thrill.
Our conscious memory is built in
two pieces…
FACTS and FEELING
What makes our memory work is
not the facts associated with a
memory, but rather the feeling
associated with the memory.
It is much easier to recall a
memory that has a strong feeling
attached to it, than one that does
not have much feeling connected
to it.
It easier to remember where you
were on 9-11, than what you ate
for dinner 3 weeks ago Monday.
Facts and Feelings…

19. Surely you can recall a time when
you saw a difficult or unpleasant
acquaintance or co-worker
coming your way and you quickly
hid until they passed by… right?
Think about it. That person has
done nothing unpleasant or
difficultTODAY and yet you are
hiding from them as if they had.
From a FACT position, they were
innocent.
But due to the FEELINGS that are
already attached to this
acquaintance, you feel the need
to avoid them.
Fact vs. Feeling Experience

20. When your foster child sees you coming, what feeling do you want them
to have?
Your task as a foster parent is to enable your foster child to attach feelings of
safety, caring, love, fairness, patience, funny and warmth to you. Not about
the world in general, butYOU, personally.
Almost no foster parent would want to be associated with crabby, swamped,
angry, impatient, mean, unsafe, volatile, moody or evil.
Creating a positive feeling
EXERCISE:
1. Pick one feeling that you would like your foster child
to experience when they see you.
2. Put that feeling on a post-it note on the refrigerator
and one other place that you will see every day as a
reminder.
3. Spend every day for 3 weeks focusing on projecting
that feeling to your foster child.

21. Look at the picture of the foster
mother and foster son.
In 1 year, what would you rather
he remember…
A) The answer to number 3 was
“Lake Geneva”
B) That it was enjoyable (or even
fun) to be helped by my foster
mom.
Take “Help with Homework” for
example…
REMEMBER:
Throughout your experience with your foster child, problems will come and
go.What will matter in the end is the feelings that child has for you and your
relationship.

22. Make nothing more important than your relationship with your
foster child AT ALL TIMES… good times and trying times.
You are selling a feeling all the time!

23. CHILDHO
OD
EXPERIEN
CES
• CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
• Genetics & Experience
SELF-
IMAGE &
SELF-
ESTEEM
• SELF-IMAGE & SELF-ESTEEM
• Varies from situation to situation depending upon childhood experiences
EVENT
• EVENT
• Current or past, real or imagined, trauma trigger
SELF-
STATEME
NT
• SELF-STATEMENT
• Usually involve “should’s”, “have to’s”.. I should be loved and approved of by everyone for everything I do;
otherwise I’m a failure; or “That’s not fair.”
FEELINGS
• FEELINGS
• Fear or Hurt
ANGER
• ANGER
• Anger is a motivator that drives the child to try to solve the problem.
BEHAVIOR
• BEHAVIOR
Where does anger come from?

24. Ineffective foster parents have NO
REACTION or OVER REACTION.
• Both responses cause fear in a
foster child; fear of abandonment
or fear of harm.
• Both NO REACTION or OVER
REACTIN drives the child to a
SURVIVAL REACTION.
Great foster parents REACT…
• Based upon personal values
• Voluntary choice to react
When a foster parent REACTS by
choice and based-upon a solid value
system, children can LEARN… even
angry ones.
Behavior
LEARNING SURVIVAL
Hypo-arousal
Hyper-arousal
Dissociation

25. Physiological (Basic) Needs
These include the most basic needs that are vital to
survival, such as the need for water, air, food and sleep.
All needs become secondary until these physiological
needs are met.
SafetyNeeds
These include needs for safety and security. Security
needs are important for survival, but they are not as
demanding as the physiological needs. Examples of
security needs include a desire for steady employment,
health insurance, safe neighborhoods and shelter from
the environment.
Social Needs
These include needs for belonging, love and affection.
Relationships such as friendships, romantic
attachments and families help fulfill this need for
companionship and acceptance, as does involvement in
social, community or religious groups.
Esteem Needs
After the first three needs have been satisfied, esteem
needs becomes increasingly important.These include
the need for things that reflect on self-esteem,
personal worth, social recognition and
accomplishment.
Self-actualizing (Achievement) Needs
This is the highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy of
needs.Theses people are self-aware, concerned with
personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of
others and interested fulfilling their potential.
We all have needs… Maslow

26. Needs, Behavior & Feelings
BEHAVIOR
Needs
Behavior is
designed to
meet needs
and solve
personal
problems
FEELINGS
Feelings let
the person
know how
well their
needs are
being met

27. When a person finds themselves
with an unmet need and a variety
of “reasonable” solutions
(behavior) continue to fail to get
the need met, a person may
develop a BRAIN STORM.
A BRAIN STORM is poorly
controlled hypo-reactive or hyper-
reactive behaviors indicating a
desperation to get one’s needs met
(solve the problem), but in self-
defeating ways.
Behavior Storms
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
Brain Storm

28. Taking it out on others…
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
Brain Storm
Directing
anger toward
a foster
parent

29. Taking it out on you…
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
Behavior Storm
Directing
anger toward
a foster
parent
BEHAVIOR

30. Their behavior causes you a problem that
you can’t solve…
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
Behavior Storm
Directing
anger toward
a foster
parent
BEHAVIOR

31. With fear or frustration, you develop a brain storm, too...
anger, threats, & yelling directed back to the foster kid.
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
CONFLICT
BEHAVIOR

32. The trauma-informed foster parent understands what is beneath the foster child’s
storm (unmet needs), takes a pause, does a moment of self-care, then responds
empathetically… soothing, reassuring and re-committing.
BEHAVIOR
Needs
FEELINGS
BEHAVIOR

33. Remember… the uglier their behavior, the
bigger their unmet need. Don’t take their
brain storm personally.

34. How do you let someone know
that you are angry?
Are you able to show anger
differently depending upon who
you are dealing with?
Do you show anger to a police
officer the same way that you
show anger to a child in your
care?
Remember: Children learn from
modeling your behavior. How do
you want them to show anger?
How doYOU express anger?

35. STEPTHREE: THOUGHTS
If they are old enough, you can talk
about what they may have been
thinking that created the feelings
that led to the unwanted behavior.
STEP ONE: BEHAVIOR
Encourage large muscle movement
to burn off adrenalin. Running,
jumping, stomping, basketball (not
hitting, kicking and punching)
STEPTWO: FEELINGS
Encourage them to express their
feelings through talking, drawing,
working with clay, journaling or
poetry. Chatting with boys is harder
than with girls. If the child doesn’t
know what they feel, then tell them
what you felt in a similar situation or
what would be normal to feel.
When you have a foster child that is
angry…

36. Survival
Brain
(structure, safety,
predictability,
rules)
Thinking
Brain
(creativity,
novelty,
problem
solving)
Emotional
Brain
(feelings,
relationships,
effects on
others)
Triune Brain Model
People always problem solve from
the survival brain, through the
emotional brain to the thinking
brain.
1st: things must be safe and
predictable
2nd: then we develop good
relationships
3rd: then we start solving problems
When people “stress out”, they do
it in reverse; from the thinking
brain, through the emotional brain
to the survival brain… getting
“flaky” under high stress.
Continued stress prompts higher
emotionality and touchiness.
In chronic stress, the survival brain
then kicks in and prompts for safety
through social withdrawal or
aggression.

37. • It takes about 72 hours for the
Survival Brain to settle down after
a crisis…. mistakenly called a
“honeymoon.”
• This also explains why it takes a
few days for some kids to settle
after a home visit.
• Settling is enhanced by high
predictability… schedules, routine
and tradition. *This is the secret
of residential treatment program
success.
• Movement into the emotional
brain is enhanced through
explaining how a certain behavior
has affected you personally.
Stimulating the relationship
opens up the pathway to the
thinking brain and problem
solving.
A new foster child is stuck in their
survival brain…
Survival
Brain
(structure, safety,
predictability,
rules)
Thinking
Brain
(creativity,
novelty,
problem
solving)
Emotional
Brain
(feelings,
relationships,
effects on
others)

38. Before you can get to a foster child’s head,
you have to first get to their heart.
Based on theTriune Brain Model…

39. SOOTHING – calm low voice, minimal content, relaxed posture
(stimulates the survival brain)
RE-ASSURANCE – repeating that everything will be “OK” and they
they will be “safe” with you.
(stimulates the survival and emotional brain)
RE-COMMITMENT – reconfirming that you value them and that you
want them to remain in your home with you and your family.
(stimulates the emotional brain)
CONSEQUENCE – consider using “work” as a reasonable
consequence for inappropriate behavior.The job is time limited
(when it is completed the consequence is over) and you can talk
about the effect of the work on you. Do not lecture.
This formula allows the thinking brain to begin to problem solve.
Formula to de-escalate the survival and
emotional brains

40. Be sure that the consequence is age
appropriate and a task that would be
considered usual and customary.
Explain to the foster child that their
behavior __________ (fill in the blank:
hurt your feelings, offended your
values, made you feel sad or
embarrassed) and that you will feel
___________ (fill in the blank with
something opposite: better, much less
hurt, satisfied) after they complete
their consequence.
As their relationship with you grows, it
will really matter to them that you were
disappointed, hurt or saddened.They
will give special effort to not disappoint
you.
Remember to connect behavior and
consequence with an effect on you.

41. Just as you have to honor all three brains in order to de-escalate and
help your foster child heal, you also have to do the same for you.
You also have to ensure that you have structure and predictability in
your life (survival brain)
Emotional support through friends, family and/or church (emotional
brain)
And you have to provide yourself with new experiences to stimulate
your creativity and critical thinking skills (thinking brain)
Self-Care

42. Avoiding Escalation withTACOS

43. If your goal is to de-escalate, DO NOT:
T
A
C
O
S
What NOT to do…

44. Ashley communicated effectively
with her kidnapper by –unwittingly-
using de-escalation skills. She was
not confrontational, did not panic or
try to offend or threaten her
kidnapper, she simply calmed the
killer by talking with him about God
and a book that she had been
reading. By doing this she developed
enough rapport with the kidnapper to
the point that she was able to escape
by persuading him to let her pick up
her daughter from a day care center.
In March 2005, Ashley Smith, an
Atlanta-area woman, was taken
hostage by Brian Nichols, the
subject of the largest manhunt in
Georgia history.
Nichols had overpowered an
Atlanta courthouse deputy as he
was being escorted to court for a
rape trial; shot and killed the
presiding judge and a court reporter
before killing another deputy as he
left the courthouse and later he
killed a federal agent in an attempt
to flee authorities.
The Case of Ashley Smith:
selling the right feelings

45. De-escalationTechniques

46. Remember children will try new ways to
remain in control. When a parent no longer
participates in the escalation game, the child
will try something new to get the parent back
on the Hook.
Stay in control. When a child has the least
control of themselves it is the time for the
parent to have the most control of themselves.
Speak in statements of fact. Avoid saying "if
you don't... you can't..." or "If you'll... I'll let
you..." Bargaining, bribery and threatening is
ineffective with an emotional fragile child. It is
far more effective to say in a matter of fact
way, "When... Then..."
Help your child stay focused on the issue or
task. Communicate one thought or idea at a
time.Try to break down complex concepts into
smaller ones or smaller steps. People with brain
disorders can feel overwhelmed by multi-level
tasks or concepts.
Do not try to discipline or change the mind of
someone while they are in crisis. Pointing out
reality will only increase your child’s frustration.
Wait for neutral times to talk with a child in
order to get your point across.
When the voices get loud, lower yours.
Everyone else will usually follow. I like to use
what I call the "Whisper-Yell." and it works very
well and things remain soft.
To help avoid confrontation don't "frontally"
face your child. Stand facing them with your
side.This body language is less threatening and
puts you in a better self-defense position should
the child get out of control.
Avoid smiling during tense
situations. Research shows some people view
this as threatening behavior much like an
animal that is bearing its teeth.
Understand the cycle of "pacing." Pacing is a
cycle of feeding off someone's emotions in
order to escalate. If a child is upset with you and
wants to get angrier they need to "hook" you
into their game. If the child can get you as angry
as the child is then it gives the child permission
to become angrier.The more upset and angry
the parent becomes the more the child can
justify his or her increase in hostility. Pacing is
the same as they old saying mothers used to
say, "It takes two to tango."
Tips for de-escalating a brain storm

47. PART 1
Foster parent escalates the child’s
dis-stress…
What did she do wrong?
-Use logic with the child at an
emotional moment
-Name calling
-Harsh tone
PART 2
Foster parent successfully de-
escalates the child’s dis-stress…
What did she do right?
-Provide a brief explanation
-Demonstrate empathy for the
child
-Friendly tone
Case: “I want that!” (1’23”)

48. PART 1
Foster parent escalates the child’s
dis-stress…
What did she do wrong?
-Use logic with the child at an
emotional moment
-Name calling
-Cold and aloof tone
-Lack of empathy
PART 2
Foster parent successfully de-
escalates the child’s dis-stress…
What did she do right?
-Identify the feeling
-Demonstrate empathy for the child
-Acknowledgment and validation
-Friendly and caring tone
-Soothe and reassure
Case: “My turtle died!”
(1’42”)

49. PART 1
Foster parent escalates the child’s
dis-stress…
What did she do wrong?
-Blaming
-Shaming
-Lack of empathy
PART 2
Foster parent successfully de-
escalates the child’s dis-stress…
What did she do right?
-Demonstrate empathy for the
child
-Soothe
Case: Stolen red pencil

50. So, what’s the secret to de-escalating
your foster child? Come on don’t be
shy.

51. 1. Sell a feeling
2. Be empathetic
3. Be soothing
4. Be reassuring that all will work out and be OK
5. Re-commit yourself to the child
6. Don’t take their brain storm personally. Keep it at home
7. Sometimes silence is better than words
8. Discreet use of touch
9. Sincere and kind non-verbal expressions
10. Self-Care… keep yourself calm and controlled.
11. Forgiveness and “do-overs.”
In no particular order….