1. 24 June 2015
The Power of Empathy
Dealing with Behavior Issues
As a School Social Worker,
I have witnessed more
and more kids whose behav-
iors are causing their caregiv-
ers and themselves a great deal
of stress. As I eased into my
own parenting I realized that I
wanted to do things differently.
I started to make an interesting
observation: Some parents/ed-
ucators handle really challeng-
ing children with ease, while
others struggle. I used to think
some kids are “easy” and others
are “not easy,” but I knew there
had to be more to it than that. I
then wondered: Do some care-
givers just have a natural talent
for getting certain children to
behave or is there a set of skills
that certain adults use? I began
to explore Love and Logic and
started to learn that the one
common element that seems
to truly separate successful
from unsuccessful caregivers
is HOW they engage children.
Successful, calm caregivers de-
liver a strong dose of genuine
empathy, regardless of the situ-
ation. Their verbal and non-
verbal message is: “I care about
you, regardless of your behav-
ior.” According to Carl Rogers
(1957), empathy is the most
powerful technique for helping
others. Empathy does some-
thing fascinating to the human
brain, which we will explore.
Recent brain research ex-
plains why empathy is so
powerful. We are always
learning a lot about the hu-
man brain. This is what we
know so far: There is a part of
the brain, the frontal cortex,
where higher-order learn-
ing, reasoning, and impulse
control takes place. Another
part of the brain is referred
to as the brainstem, where in-
voluntary functions are regu-
lated, such as heart rate and
breathing. It is also respon-
sible for “fight-flight-freeze”
responses. A third part of the
brain, the amygdala, is the
brain’s threat detector. The
amygdala is the gatekeeper. It
helps us determine if some-
thing seems “safe.” All input
passes through the amygdala
and, once it is deemed safe,
it gets passed on. “Hostile”
input gets intercepted and
sent back to “survival” mode,
the brain stem. When people
are exposed to threat, stress
hormones are released into
the bloodstream. These hor-
mones shut down the frontal
cortex (higher-order think-
ing) while triggering the brain
stem’s fight-flight-freeze re-
sponses. Most people cannot
reason well or operate in brain
stem mode because they are in
survival mode. While in this
mode, people are more likely
to yell, scream, hit or run.
The Brain cannot function in
survival mode and thinking
mode simultaneously. This is
why rage and reasoning are
mutually exclusive. Empathy
tells the amygdala to shut off
the threat detection and con-
fuses the brain into “thinking
mode”, which then allows the
person to think, reason and
control impulses.
Empathy prevents fight-
flight-freeze response! When
caregivers deliver a strong
dose of genuine empathy it
makes the child feel safe and
calms the nervous system.
The power of empathy is in-
credible. In fact, you may be
surprised to find out that when
you offer genuine empathy to a
person in distress, you will al-
most always experience success.
Take the following example.
Leah comes home from school
complaining that her teacher is
“Soooo mean!! She made me
stay inside for recess because
I didn’t have my homework!
I can’t sit so long without a
break!” My automatic response
may be that of a rescuer: “That
Mrs. Cohen! I have to call her!
She has no business interfering
with what goes on in our home!
And to take away recess!! That
is NOT an appropriate con-
sequence! Actually, I’m going
straight to the principal! He
needs to run his school better!”
Another response may look
like this: “Well, you deserve
it! I tell you every night to do
your homework but all you
want to do is hang out with
your friends!! In real life, work
first then play! When will you
learn to be more organized…re-
sponsible…focused…with your
schoolwork??!!”
Both of these responses ac-
complish one thing. They both
send a message: You are not
mature / intelligent enough to
figure out why your choices
aggravated your teacher. They
both reflect an adult becom-
ing tragically emotionally in-
By Yonina Kaufman, LMSW, M. Ed, SSW
EDUCATION

2. June 2015 25
volved instead of modeling
healthy self-regulation. What
can healthy self-regulation
look like?
Picture a different response:
“Wow, Leah (pause) that is so
upsetting. I know how much
you enjoy being outdoors in the
spring. You even mentioned that
you finally feel like you’re getting
better at jump-rope.”
How do you think Leah feels
right now? Does she feel at-
tacked? Does she feel incom-
petent? Or does she feel heard?
Is she angry at her mother for
judging her or is she calm
enough to think about her be-
havior and how it caused the
teacher’s response?
Miriam wakes up Shabbos
morning to find her children
happily playing in the kitchen...
on the floor in a puddle of cereal
and milk. (Let’s assume this has
happened before and her kids
understand that their mother
does not allow this.) Miriam
has a few choices. She can yell,
ignore or engage her kids in a
focused response to the inappro-
priate behavior. Of course some
of this will depend on the ages
and temperaments of her kids.
But let’s pretend they are 4 and
6. Watch this:
“Wow kids, this is soooo sad.
There’s a huge mess on the floor
and I was planning to take you
to the park until Abba gets
home from shul (calmly). What
should we do about this?” If her
kids are easy-going, she can help
them come up with a good way
to clean and she can even help
them. If her kids are more defi-
ant and respond like many kids
with “Nothing!” Then she can
again calmly say, “Yeah, this is
really sad. I hope we can come
up with a way to clean this so
we can get to the park before
Abba gets home.”
Again, this is not about
WHAT you say, it is more
about HOW you say it. Make
it work with your personality!
Some people try sounding bril-
liant, but that rarely works. Try
saying something like, “That
must have been so disappoint-
ing” “That must have been
hard” or “Awww.” The risk of
sarcasm is there...so be careful!
Remember the goal: to trick
the brain into Thinking Mode
by delivering genuine empathy.
Empathy is like
emotional oxygen.
It allows our children to
feel, to emote and learn how
to express themselves in an
appropriate way. It gives them
permission to feel upset at
themselves for their choic-
es. Some people may think
this feels unnatural. Others
are concerned that it sounds
sarcastic. It is essential to re-
member that HOW you say
something is more important
than WHAT you actually say.
In fact, many successful care-
givers say as few words as pos-
sible, but their calm response
sends a powerful message.
Children naturally live up to
our unstated messages. Em-
pathy has the power to create
responsible children who see
themselves as strong and ca-
pable of making wise and ap-
propriate decisions.
Yonina Kaufman LMSW, is an MSW
graduate of New York University and an
MS graduate of Touro College certified
in Education and Special Education. She
is presently employed by the New York
City Department of Education servicing a
number of schools in the New York Met-
ropolitan area as a School Social Worker.
She has been working with teachers and
families since 2005. She uses the Love and
Logic framework to guide her work and
offers parenting courses for couples in a
group setting. In addition, she collaborates
with educators on improving classroom
management techniques and supports
students, educators, and administrators
on meeting the diverse social/emotional
needs of students and parents. Yonina
currently resides in Brooklyn, NY with her
husband and five children. To learn more
about Love and Logic or to reach Yonina,
feel free to contact her at: 917.535.2796.
EDUCATION
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