The document discusses parenting challenges faced by adoptive parents, specifically when helping a child who seems unable to change problematic behaviors. It provides advice and perspectives to help parents in such difficult situations, including celebrating small victories, separating your identity from your child's, focusing on positive interactions, and remembering the concrete ways bringing the child home has already helped them, even if further help seems impossible. The overall message is one of hope - that keeping love and effort focused on the child can make a difference, even if problems are not fully solved.

1. 3 0 F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y I J U L Y / A U G U S T 2 0 1 6 I W W W . F O S T E R I N G F A M I L I E S T O D A Y . C O M
F
ive years into our adoption when a
friend of mine made passing reference
to a book chapter she had recently
read,the title,“People I Have Failed to Help,”
stuck with me because two faces instantly
came to mind.I have certainly failed to help
more than two people,but these specific fail-
ures remain deeply imbedded in my heart.
First came the distorted face of a beggar,a
burn victim and amputee who sat outside
a shopping center inYinchuan,a city where
I lived and taught in China after college.
Curling his streaked,twisted limbs around
himself on a scrap of dirty cardboard,he
would look up at me curiously from half-
melted features every time I entered the store,
too surprised at my foreign appearance to
motion for cash.
Having grown up in the church singing an
old Sunday School song about two men
who healed a lame beggar,I used to long
for this man’s healing.My internal sound
track would beat the lyrics into my brain as I
pounded the pavement.“Silver and gold have
I none/but such as I have give I thee/In the
name of Jesus Christ/of Nazareth,rise up and
walk!”Only my own uselessness would rise
up,burning into my throat; being short on
healing powers,I’d offer him lunch instead.
Silver and gold wouldn’t buy him a miracle,
but there was a KFC around the corner.
THE SECOND FACE WAS MORE PERSONAL.
While everyone’s adoptive decision comes
with a backstory,my own pull toward adop-
tion arose from that deep,fierce longing to
do something about human pain.Too squea-
mish for medical work,I studied psychology
instead and joined college clubs that worked
with disadvantaged youth,finally settling on
a teaching career and a family plan of sibling
group foster care adoption.I had discovered
that most of the boys we visited at a nearby
group home had spent their lives in and out
of foster care,and that few of the older ones
had a chance of being adopted; all the thera-
py in the world could do little to address the
root cause of their antisocial behavior — the
daily pain of neglect,disruption,and lack of
belonging.
When we eventually finalized an adoptive
placement of four siblings,each of the chil-
dren began to make strides.Personal hygiene
improved,IQs rose,antisocial behaviors
modified,anxiety dropped.Throughout
featureBYLAURAH.WILKINSON
Parenting With Hope in Hopeless SituationsParenting With Hope
Epic Fail?Epic Fail?

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the years,we watched our children begin to
thrive in their communities — birthday par-
ties,mainstream classrooms,sports teams,
play dates — as“normal”kids.
ALL EXCEPT ONE.
All of our children struggled with difficult
behaviors and various diagnoses,but in one
of them the old behaviors persisted beyond
reason over the course of years,and some-
thing even worse always came to replace the
occasional extinguished behaviors.Not only
that,old behaviors resurfaced whenever my
husband and I relaxed our vigilance.Rewards
failed to motivate,consequences failed to
deter,attachments failed to form.So when
I heard the phrase,“People I Have Failed to
Help,”I saw the face of my own son.
Many adoptive parents have similar stories
that drip with the frustration of watching
every gut-wrenching effort on behalf of a
hurting child fall impotently to the ground
— or be pushed violently aside.People
naturally feel uncomfortable about the idea
of true parenting failure,because of the
success-driven nature of our society,and
they may spend a lot of time trying to tell
you that your“negativity”is the real culprit
in your view of your child.While outside
perspectives can help parents notice good
things that they might otherwise overlook,
don’t feel guilty if your daily interactions lead
you to believe that things aren’t going well.
Although we kept our eyes open for positive
signs and continued to seek various forms of
professional help for our son,the difficulties
increased in scale and complexity over time,
and we just couldn’t seem to find any strat-
egy that led him to lasting internal (or even
external) changes past a certain point.
Truthfully,there will always be people who
seem to defy rehabilitation,because the
ability to reach meaningfully and healingly
into the life of another person requires a
complex set of cooperating factors,most of
which elude outside control.Adoptive parents
should grieve those failures in the lives of
their children,but also embrace real oppor-
tunities to live out their calling in the lives of
those they cannot seem to help.
CELEBRATE TINY THINGS.
Our daughter used to pick things apart all
day,from favorite toys to her own skin.We
celebrated her progress toward less destruc-
tiveness by rewarding her each time she went
even a few hours without picking anything
apart,and eventually these small victories
led her to bigger ones.When it came to our
son,however,we had to look for tiny victo-
ries,not just small ones — so I thanked him
the time he stole my swimsuit but returned
it to the laundry basket when he was done
with it instead of hiding it in his closet,and
took a few minutes to breathe a sigh of relief
on the rare occasions when he rolled his eyes
at us for pointing out that he hadn’t done his
homework,instead of pretending we were
all crazy and the teacher must be lying.Even
the tiny things can be blessings,so take the
time to notice them,laugh and be genuinely
thankful.
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE
(AND WHO YOU AREN’T).
Whenever we worked to help him develop
simple functional habits for home,school or
play,my son would go around for hours in
senseless argument,no matter what evidence
pointed to the contrary,no matter what con-
sequences he incurred,and no matter how
the wasted time thwarted his own personal
desires.When the crazy-making became too
intense,I’d pull back for a moment to remind
myself where he stopped and I began.We
were not the same person.
You are not your child.Remember that you
may feel frustrated by your child’s desire to
reframe reality in the face of overwhelming
evidence,but she does not have the power
to turn that reality into her own version of
it.Remember that whatever decisions your
child ends up making with her life,you have
already made your own decisions,and have
the power to continue doing so.You will live
with the results of your own decisions,and
not with the consequences of hers.Think
of this mental separation exercise as a deep
breath of fresh air,clearing jumbled thoughts
enough to re-enter the interaction with a less
panicked response,or to see the warning signs
and end it when meaningful progress stalls.
KEEP TRYING BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE.
As we came to know and understand each of
the other children,we began to develop par-
enting methods that worked with each child’s
strengths and weaknesses to help him or her
reach new goals and exciting achievements.
feature
BYLAURAH.WILKINSON

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featureBYLAURAH.WILKINSON When it came to our son,however,his child-
hood trauma seemed to have left him devoid
of any driving passions beyond the pleasures
of the next five minutes.No direction seemed
right.We tried trauma therapy,psychotherapy,
equine therapy,physical therapy,multiple
assessments,so many interventions,rewards,
and love/logic-based consequences,and not
one got through.Even amid those feelings of
futility,however,parents should remember
that each day truly provides new opportunities
for every child.If you keep trying,something
might get through — at least the message of
your love for him.You could never promise
to solve your child’s problems,but you did
promise to be your child’s parents,and you
can follow through on that promise to parent
him no matter what.You may lack the power
to change your child (since we cannot change
others),but don’t give your child the power to
change you.
GIVE HER WHAT YOU CAN.
Although we felt grief and frustration that our
son could not accept the most valuable gifts we
offered him — a sense of belonging,a hope for
the future,opportunities to build relationships
and develop character qualities,and skills for
a functional adulthood — we decided to be
thankful for the things he could accept,while
continuing to hold out the other gifts as well.
Although it may be tempting,don’t withhold
the things your child is willing to receive just
because she turns down the more important
things you want for her.She may refuse train-
ing in life skills,but be willing to eat an ice
cream cone or watch a movie with you instead.
Smile at her when you catch her eye.Scratch
her back if she can’t reach an itch,pass her a
tissue when her nose runs,and celebrate your
similarities when she likes the same flavor of
yogurt as you.It won’t solve her problems,but
remember she will enter a harsh world — give
her some kind memories to hold onto when
you can’t be there to catch her anymore.
CREATE POSITIVE INTERACTIONS.
We have a regular schedule of taking our
kids out for relationship-building,one-on-
one activities that happen regardless of their
behaviors at home in order to help them feel
our unconditional interest in them as people.
The never-ending stream of uncompleted
homework and chores,irrational arguments,
food refusals,explicit drawings,stolen per-
sonal items,and general“creepy”behavior
around the house put spending one-on-one
time with our son quite low on my list of
desired activities,but that also meant we
both needed it more,not less.Even the most
difficult children have positive qualities that
their antisocial behaviors can sweep out of
memory.He may use his imagination to find
new self-destructive practices,but an imagi-
nation is a good thing to be celebrated.She
might scowl and frown,but her face lights
up when the sullen behavior breaks for a few
minutes.Taking your child to do something
special that he likes will help you discover or
rediscover the positive things that contribute
to his individuality.If necessary,make a list
of those things as you discover them.Point
them out to your child whenever you find a
chance to do so,because everyone needs to
feel good about him/herself.
LOVE HIM ANYWAY.
In the worst moments,I fell back on the truth
that I couldn’t control whether or not I liked
my son,but I could decide to love him.Give
yourself permission to feel however you feel
about your child.When every interaction
results in continued frustration and heart-
break,when she tears all your trust to shreds
day after day,when he violates your boundar-
ies repeatedly with no sign of understanding
or remorse,positive feelings toward your
child would be crazier than negative feel-
ings.Fortunately,the old concept of love as
an action holds true.You can love your child
— give her what she needs inasmuch as you
understand it — whether you like her or not.
Remember the story has not ended.
This is a short chapter in your child’s life,
and you are only one of many characters.
For this child,maybe you aren’t even a main
character.Your child probably has many more
years in which to learn the lessons he seems
unable to accept from you,and to receive the
love he has rejected for now.Sometimes amid
fears of parenting failure,parents forget all
the people and situations that had powerful
impacts on their own lives.Your child will
experience a lot of life between now and the
end,and some of it will get through,even
though that seems impossible right now.
Failure to help someone for whom we would
have given our lives can cause great distress
and sadness,but after acknowledging those
feelings,a new perspective might bring real
hope to parents of challenging children.Our
children,like many adoptees,came from an
emotionally and physically impoverished
environment where their constant trauma
and anxiety never gave them a chance to
thrive.On the worst days,it helped to just
go and stand in my son’s room.I saw a cozy
space just for him,a soft bed with a quilt,toys
and books on his shelf,smiling photos on
the bulletin board,participation certificates
from archery and self-defense classes on the
walls — I saw a place where no one abused
him,where he could hear music instead of
screaming,where he went to bed with a full
stomach every night.
Sometimes I still think about that injured
beggar in China.Compared to his need for
new arms and legs,fried chicken seemed a
poor substitute,but it was a kind interaction
that filled his belly for a moment.For that
moment,he had a better life.When all we can
do seems tiny — momentary — in compari-
son to what we wish to do,adoptive parents
can cling to the reality that their loving deci-
sion to bring the child into a place of safety
and plenty has already helped in concrete,
practical ways.❁
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Laura H.Wilkinson
is a Midwestern freelance writer,former
teacher,and the parent of six children,four of
whom joined her family through foster care
adoption.Names have been changed.