This document summarizes research by Deborah Tannen on differences in conversational styles between men and women. It finds that women tend to use conversation to establish relationships through self-disclosure and empathy, while men tend to use conversation to convey status or win arguments. These differing styles can lead to misunderstandings between men and women in conversations and relationships.

1. Communication between men and women
can be like cross cultural communication,
prey to a clash of conversational styles.
Deborah Tannen (1990)

3.  Women’s
conversational styles
 Men’s
conversational styles
 Conversational
styles in
relationships

4.  Establish and maintain
relationships
Conversation is an
essential part of a
relationship
 Share and learn about
others

5.  Show equality
 Show support
 Include others
 Tell about themselves
 Are tentative

6.  Show equality by
matching
experiences
“You’re not alone in
how you feel.”
“I’ve done the same
thing many times.”

7.  Women respond and build on each other’s
ideas
Rather than “you-tell-your-idea-then-I’ll-
tell-mine,” voices weave together to
create conversations.
 Make others feel valued

8.  Understand the other person’s feelings
“Tell me about what happened.”
“How did you feel when it occurred?”
“Do you think it was deliberate?”
 Express sympathy
“Oh, you must feel terrible.”
“I think you did the right thing.”
“I really hear what you are saying.”

9.  Make others feel valued and included
 Women often start topics for others
“How was your day”
“Tell me about your meeting”
“Did anything interesting happen on your
trip”

10.  Stories about
themselves
 Share experiences
about themselves

11.  Verbal Hedges
“I kind of feel you may be overreacting”
“I’m not the best judge of this, but...”
 Use tag questions that invite responses
“That was a pretty good movie, wasn’t it?”
“We should get out this weekend, don’t
you think?”

13.  Achieve goals
Solve a problem
Win an argument
Make someone
laugh
Get information
 Improve status.

14.  Show off
 Speak in general
terms
 Are less
responsive
 Talk assertively
 Dominate
conversations

15.  Knowledge
 Ability
 Skills

16.  Offer few concrete experiences and personal
feelings
 Talk less about themselves
 Talking about personal problems shows that
you are weak

17.  Use more “minimal
response cues”
Yeah, uh-uh, hmm,
etc.
 Show less
sympathy
 Sympathy is a way of
looking down on
someone

18.  Direct & forceful
 Advice is what you
should do
 Men use fewer
hedges

19.  Talk more than women
 Talk more frequently
 Talk longer
 Select the topic of
conversation
 Interrupt (stop other
people from talking)
more

20. WOMEN
 A relationship is
going fine if
there is talk
 Talk is a process
to support a
relationship
 Talk is a way to
show closeness
 “We need to talk,”
shows that we
care about each
other
MEN
 A relationship is
going fine if
there is no need
to talk
 Talk is to solve
relationship
problems
 Talk indicates a
problem
 “We need to talk”
is a signal to run
away.