This document discusses raising resilient children and preventing bullying. It describes different types of children, including "cotton wool kids" who are anxious and perfectionist, and "free range kids" who are confident and resilient. It emphasizes teaching children a growth mindset where they love challenges and learn from mistakes. It also discusses the social dynamics that can enable bullying, the characteristics of bullies and targets, and strategies for parents and schools to build emotional intelligence and prevent bullying.

1. Bully-Proof Kids
Raising Happy Kids in an
Anxious World

2. BA (Hons) Counselling & Psychotherapy
Post Grad Dip. MBCT
Dip. Youth Studies
Dip. Psychometric Testing
APCP; BPS

4. • Resilience
• Positive Outlook
• Commitment to well-being
• Altruism/ Spirit of
contribution

5. Anxiety disorder is the
most common mental
health condition in
Ireland

7. COTTON WOOL KIDS
• A fear of failure;
perfectionism
• Anxious & fearful
• Self-absorbed
• External locus of
control
• Fixed mindset
FREE RANGE KIDS
• Excited by challenge;
can cope with failure
• Confident & resilient
• Responsible
• Internal locus of
control
• Growth mindset

12. Growth Mindset:
‘I didn’t pass the test but I know where I
need to improve and I’ll do better the next
time.’
Fixed Mindset :
‘I didn’t pass the test because I was busy
doing my other homework / because my
teacher didn’t cover the course / because
my memory is rubbish….’

15. If parents want to give their children a
gift, the best thing they can do is to
teach their children
• to love challenges
• be intrigued by mistakes
• enjoy effort
• keep on learning.

16. 0-1 year: trust vs mistrust
1-3 yrs old: discovery; independence
3-5 yrs old: assertiveness vs boundaries
5-12 yrs old: competence vs inferiority
12-18 yrs old: identity, friendships, self-
knowledge; moving beyond the family
influence

17.  Living things are programmed to create a chain of
command - dogs, cats, humans etc

18. •In an insecure environment, where many
people feel threatened, this chain of
command becomes more intense & more
competitive
•In a secure environment, where most
people feel good about themselves, then
there is less need to worry about who is in
charge etc and the pecking order isn’t so
intense

20.  In many schools, children are continuously
tested and compared with each other
which makes everyone feel insecure and
competitive.
 This creates a ‘dog-eat-dog’ world that is
very concerned about the Pecking Order

22.  The principal sets the tone
 Within each classroom the teachers set the tone
 …then the dominant personalities within 6th Class
 …then the rest of 6th class
 …then dominant personalities within 5th class
 …then the rest of 5th class
 Dominant personalities such as the ‘Queen Bees’
and ringleaders within each classroom help set
the tone

23. “I've learned that
people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you
made them feel.”
Maya Angelou

24. • Good enough?
• Inadequate? Unsure?
• Insecure? Nervous?
• Confident?
• Warm?

25.  1/3 in the cool group
 1/10 in the ‘wannabe’ group
 1/10 outsiders, loners
 1/2 in separate independent friendships

26.  The Ringleaders
 The sidekicks
 The messengers
 The potential targets
 The bystanders & potential upstanders
 The floaters
 The independent friendships

27.  Competitive
 Strong need to dominate
 Popular
 Often good-looking, skilful, wealthy, sporty, good
at schoolwork ... (has something that gives them
power)
 Can feel superior & entitled (this may hide a
fragile ego)

28.  Keep a healthy distance when you need to
 Silently count how many times they cause
hurt
 Accept that not everyone likes you – seek out
your tribe
 Parents shouldn’t become over-involved

29. ‘Repeated, aggressive
behaviour by somebody with
more power’
Dr. James O’Higgins Norman, director of the
National Anti-Bullying Centre in DCU

30. •Competitive
•Strong need for power
•Enjoys a challenge
•Enjoys leading /
dominating
•Often socially skilled
•Lacks moral engagement
•Lacks moral reasoning
•Lacks empathy
•Lacks tolerance
•Lacks problem solving
skills
•Feels entitled / superior
•Bored and looking for a
challenge / entertainment

31.  The Passive Target – gentle, quiet, stoical, different,
insecure, sweet, naive
 The Accidental Target
 The Provocative Target – lacks social skills, may
enjoy/dislike attention, provokes a reaction in others,
can be dehumanised by difference
 Victim blaming & Victim shaming - an attempt to
convince ourselves that ‘it wouldn’t happen to me’

32.  Increased emotional intelligence
 Improved social skills
 Increased inner confidence
 Character development
 A ‘growth mindset’
 Knowledge of the comfort of the Arts

33.  Find their ‘strong voice’
 Look for their ‘tribe’
 Identify potential upstanders
 Create a Circle of Support
 Find their passion
 Develop their emotional intelligence
 Find some support in the Arts – Billy Elliot, About
a Boy, Kes, Bully, Mean Girls, Bad Girls, Odd Girl
Out

35.  Identify emotionally intelligent people and learn
from them
 Speculate about strangers – try to understand
motivations
 Watch Reality Shows; explore the analyses
 Explore famous people’s behaviour
 Dig deeper – try to find the motivation behind any
action
 Cultivate self-acceptance & other acceptance
 Learn to self-regulate & problem solve

36.  Build emotional intelligence
 Develop social skills
 Develop communication skills
 Develop self- and other- acceptance
 Don’t hand all the responsibility over to the
school
 Analyse the environment – identify the
weaknesses & strengths –join the parents’
committee; push for initiatives
 Identify potential upstanders

37.  ‘What measures will you take to ensure that
my child doesn’t feel threatened when they
are in school?’
 When will these measures be taken?
 How will I know when these measures will be
taken?

38.  Anti-bullying projects
 Buddy Bench
 Worry Box / Bully Box
 Restorative Justice
 Anti-bullying games
 Essays, discussions & projects on ‘loyalty’,
‘bystanders’, ‘moral courage’, ‘acceptance’
 ‘Random Acts of Kindness
 Make the bystanders complicit – ‘Not to
speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.’

39.  1. Ignore the bully
 2. Tell the bully to stop
 3. Tell a responsive adult
 But a more complicated continuum could be:
1. Resist the bullies physical attacks
2. Use force equal to the level needed to
escape from the bullies’ attack
3. Tell a responsive adult as soon as possible

41. A sense of who we are is not a mere luxury;
without it, we feel worthless

42. ‘I don’t know who I am but I can see who she is
and so I’ll be like her’

43. The easiest way to raise happy
and healthy children
... is to be happy and healthy
yourself!

44. Facebook: Stella O Malley
Phone : 085 7112211
www.stellaomalley.com