We've all been there when communication breaks down. Frustration, irritation, even anger ensues as we ask: How can I get her to see things my way? How can I get him to focus on the real issue? Why is she being so difficult? What if the questions we asked ourselves instead were: What is she really saying? What is the central feeling? What is his implicit hope, intent, or fear? In this workshop, we'll play with these new questions and practice the kind of listening that will help your relationships flourish.
3. Exercise #1: Do Your Best Listening
• Find a partner in the room, go sit with them.
• Pick a Person A & Person B
• Wait for further instructions
4. Exercise #1: Do Your Best Listening
• Person A: 4min to talk about an irritating situation
• Person B: Do your best listening
• Then switch
Take notes on your experience being heard
• How are you feeling?
• What kinds of questions did your listener ask?
• What is the outcome of the conversation?
5. How was that?
What were some of the questions people asked?
What was the very best listening you heard?
What made it feel that way?
6. A Thought Experiment…
On a quiet Sunday afternoon, when your partner says:
“I hate Sundays! I get so stressed on Sundays because Monday
comes next! I hate my job! I wish I could figure out how I could not
have to work there ever again.”
What do you say back?
7. 3 Levels of Listening
1.Listening to win
• Rejecting / tell her she’s wrong
(often nicely)
2.Listening to fix
• Adding new info, asking a question
3.Listening to learn
• Content
• Emotion
• Meaning
- So work is so bad you’d rather not
even go? And you’re frustrated because
you can’t figure out how to get around a
thing you hate?
- That’s not true! Sundays are the
best! You’ve got to enjoy Sundays - at
least it’s not yet Monday.
- You know, Sundays used to be
like that for me, too. You just have to not
think about Monday.
- What’s going on at work?
8. Our mental models affect how we listen
How can I get her to
focus on the real issue?
How can I get her to
see it my way?
Why is she being so
difficult?
PEOPLE HAVE
PROBLEMS
Listening to “fix”
What is she saying?
What’s the central feeling?
What is it connected to?
What’s her implicit hope, intent,
or fear?
PEOPLE HAVE
PERSPECTIVES
Listening to understand
10. Exercise #2: Practice “Level 3” Listening
• Person A: 3 minutes to talk about the same issue
• Person B listens at “Level 3” – Listening for
meaning
• Then switch
3 minutes to debrief with each other
• Listener: What meaning did you hear?
• Speaker: Did you feel understood?
11. Break
Think of a situation (that’s real for
you right now) where:
• You disagree with an important person
about something that needs to be done, or
• You have a hard feedback message to
deliver and you’re worried about the
response, or
• You’re generally “stuck” in a difficult pattern
13. Exercise #3: Case of your own - role play
1. What is the context? (You’ll get 3min to describe it.)
2. What is your feedback for this person? Write it down.
• When you do [x], I feel [y]
• Here’s what I believe and why I believe it
3. What are you most afraid you’ll hear back? Write
down 1-3 sentences (which you will give to your
partner).
14. Exercise #3: Case of your own - role play
Case Owner
1. Set up the context (3min)
2. Give Difficult Other their
“lines
3. Deliver your feedback
Difficult Other
4. After Case Owner has said
his piece, read your “lines” as
written
5. Then, continue the role play
Observer
-Help where needed
-Guide the debrief (8min)
15. Exercise #3: Debrief
Start with Case Owner:
How did that go? How are you feeling about it? How did you
listen?
Then to the Difficult Other:
How are you feeling? What worked there? Are you more/less
inclined to look for common ground than you were at the
beginning?
Discuss:
How did case owner present his/her information?
How did he/she get to “Level 3” Listening?
Editor's Notes
What about when there are no set rules? Hard enough when there are.
There is listening and there is making the other person feel heard, feel understood. There are 2 sides to it.
Learn how to listen such that the other person feels heard, and how to bring in your perspective
Storyteller: Talk about an irritating situation you’ve experienced in the past 2 weeks (not “fine china”; rather something that is irritating but not the end of the world)
Storyteller: Talk about an irritating situation you’ve experienced in the past 2 weeks (not “fine china”; rather something that is irritating but not the end of the world)
4,4,2
What makes for great listening?
What makes it hard to listen that way?
preconceived notions of their intent - getting them on our side
having an agenda, trying to get stuff done (let go of it and come back to it)
voices in my head, my inner monologue (tough to shut that down)
So listening is tough to do. Let’s introduce a tool to make it a bit easier
WHAT DOES THIS BRING UP FOR YOU?
Takes forever
--> often it takes surprisingly less time than you think. The hard part is getting yourself to stop and think for a second and to formulate your response rather than just responding right away -- cognitively difficult
--> (never get anything done - what if I don't agree? How are we going to move forward? We'll get mired in the disagreement rather than getting to action) If they don't agree, but you ignore it, doesn't mean you agree. So then the action you get to just means you'll have the conversation again. And sometimes you have this conversation over and over and over.
--> you don't always have to listen this way. This is a tool for those times when things are difficult, when you feel stuck, when you feel like you're having the same conversation again and again and the other person just doesn't get. Use this tool wisely - all levels are equally valid. We just don't tend to access #6 unless you practice.
-if I listen to somebody like that, isn't it arrogant of me to tell them what they're thinking
-I am implicitly agreeing with them - what if I think they're wrong
--> you don't have to be right and you don't have to agree
15min discuss
3min take notes
2min each to share with group (6-7min total)
15min discuss
15min discuss
3min take notes
2min each to share with group (6-7min total)
15min discuss