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Active Listening
Agile Coaching Group

Viorica Milea
Agenda
• Not Listening
– Signs
• Practice
• Feelings

• Good Listening
– Signs
• Understand

• Active Listening
– Impedime...
Not Listening
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•

What are the signs for not listening:
Just hearing
Uninteresting topic
External distracti...
Good Listening
• What are the signs when you
are a good listener:
• Maintain eye contact
• Move closer to the person, but
...
Active listening
•
•

•

•

•

•

What are the impediments:
DAY DREAMING - Daydreaming is allowing your
attention to wande...
•
•

Minimal
Encouragements

Skills to practice active listening:
Minimal Encouragements - Sounds made, especially on the ...
Complete the How you could...
What the speaker says

How you could paraphrase

“I think I am going to leave him.”

“What I...
Conclusion
No listening

Good listening

Active listening

Distracted
Bored
Criticizing

Hear words
Hear facts
Use body la...
Write the names of three people whom you consider as good listeners.
Has anyone written the name of the person whom you do...
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Active listening

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Active listening

  1. 1. Active Listening Agile Coaching Group Viorica Milea
  2. 2. Agenda • Not Listening – Signs • Practice • Feelings • Good Listening – Signs • Understand • Active Listening – Impediments • Practice • Feelings – Skills • Practice • Feelings • Conclusion
  3. 3. Not Listening • • • • • • • • • What are the signs for not listening: Just hearing Uninteresting topic External distractions Mentally preparing response – rehearsal Listening for facts Personal concern Language/cultural differences Faking attention • • • • • • • • • • Criticizing the subject Getting over stimulated Listening only for facts Not taking notes Creating distraction Letting emotional words block message Stare at the cloths or accessories Interrupting the speaker Start judging, labelling React to emotional words. (interpret emotional words) Tend to daydream with slow speakers • Hearing – physical process, passive natural Listening- physical and mental process, active, a skill Listening is hard! You have to choose to participate in the process of listening. 1. Enumerate signs 2. Practice 2 pers 3 min each 3. Write Feelings: .................................
  4. 4. Good Listening • What are the signs when you are a good listener: • Maintain eye contact • Move closer to the person, but do not cross over any personal boundaries • Nod from time-to-time • Say things like “yes” or “uh huh” • Keep your posture open to the person by keeping your arms unfolded and uncrossed • Keep distractions to a minimum 70% Thinking – 30% Feelings Listening to the words of the speaker and the meaning of the words 1. Enumerate factors:
  5. 5. Active listening • • • • • • What are the impediments: DAY DREAMING - Daydreaming is allowing your attention to wander to other events or people. It is a time when you stop listening and drift away into your own fantasies. REHEARSING - Rehearsing is when you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next, so that you never completely hear what the other person is telling you. FILTERING - Filtering is when you listen to certain parts of the conversation, but not all. JUDGING - Judging is when you have stopped listening to the other person because you have already judged, placed labels, made assumptions about, or stereotyped the other person. DISTRACTIONS - Distraction occurs when your attention is divided by something internal to you (headaches, worry, hunger) or external to you (traffic, whispering, others talking). 70% Feeling – 30 % Thinking Exercise practice each in a group of 4-5 pers 1. Write impediments 2. Put them to practice 3. Answer questions: 1. Write skills 2. Put them to practice 3. Fill in answers:
  6. 6. • • Minimal Encouragements Skills to practice active listening: Minimal Encouragements - Sounds made, especially on the phone, to let one person know the other is there and listening. Such as, “Oh?”, “When?”, and “Really?”. They help build rapport and encourage the subject to continue talking. • PARAPHRASING - In paraphrasing, you restate, in your own words, what you think the other person just said. You can use such phrases as “In other words…” or “What I am hearing you say is….” In the following spaces, try to paraphrase what the speaker is saying. • • Emotion Labeling This is often the first active listening skill to be used in a crisis communication incident Commonly, we all want to get into problem-solving too early. Too early an approach to problem solving is doomed to failure because the subject is often not ready to reason and you have not listened enough to get all of the information you need to assist in problem solving. Common phrases for you to use are, “You sound…”, “You seem…” , “I hear…” (emotion heard by you). You do not tell people how they are feeling, but how they sound to you as if they are feeling. “Oh?”, “When?”, and “Really?”. PARAPHRASING ,in your own words, what you think the other person just said Emotion Labeling • , “You sound…”, “You seem…” , “I hear…” • Mirroring (or Reflecting) repeating the last word or phrase and putting a question mark after it CLARIFICATION whether you were right or wrong • CLARIFICATION - In clarification, you tell the other person what you thought you heard, learn whether you were right or wrong, and then ask questions to clarify. • • Open-Ended Questions The primary use of open-ended questions is to help a subject start talking, usually begin with how, what, when and where. Note that “why” questions are not asked directly. “Why” questions tend to steer the conversation toward blame and shut down communication. “Why” questions also tend to pass judgment. • • “I” Messages “I” messages enable negotiators to let the subject know how he is making you feel, why you feel that way, and what the subject can do to remedy the situation. This is a non-threatening approach and does not put the subject on the defensive. “I” messages are used when communication is difficult because of the intense emotions being directed at you. It is also used when the subject is trying to manipulate you and you want him to stop the attempts. Negotiators also use this technique to refocus the subject and when they are verbally attacked. Open-Ended Questions how, what, when and where “I” Messages how he is making you feel Mirroring (or Reflecting) This is the technique of repeating the last word or phrase and putting a question mark after it. This provides very exact responses because you are using the subject’s own words. Reflecting or mirroring asks for more input without guiding the direction of the subject’s thoughts and elicits information when you do not have enough to ask a pertinent question. It is useful when you are at a loss for words and it provides an opportunity for the subject to think about what you have said.
  7. 7. Complete the How you could... What the speaker says How you could paraphrase “I think I am going to leave him.” “What I hear you saying is that you are going to ask for a divorce.” “My partner (mother, boyfriend) never listens to me” “I desperately need a vacation” “I hate my job (school)” “I can’t decide if I should go to the party” “I don’t know why but I’m crazy about you! “ “This project has to be done tomorrow. I don’t accept any excuses! “
  8. 8. Conclusion No listening Good listening Active listening Distracted Bored Criticizing Hear words Hear facts Use body language to show you hear Understand the content Understand the feeling Confirm/Clarify the understanding with the speaker Avoid bored subjects Always looks for “What is in for me?” for any topic Tend to enter into argument. Doesn’t judge until he understands the whole context. Listens for facts Listens for central theme Show no energy, fakes attention hard, exhibits alertness Is distracted easily Avoids distractions, tolerates bad habits, knows how to concentrate Reacts to emotional words Interpret emotional words, does not get hung up on them Tend to daydream with slow speakers Challenges, anticipates, mentally summarizes, listens between the lines
  9. 9. Write the names of three people whom you consider as good listeners. Has anyone written the name of the person whom you don't like? Is the name in any one of these categories- liked by you, loved by you or respected by you? If you would want to be liked or loved or respected by others, how should you be? • Why do we want to be listened? • Because we need to feel: • Recognized • Remembered • Valued • Appreciated • Respected • Understood • Comfortable • Listening is a way of saying: • You are heard! • You are accepted! • You are important!

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