Communication workshop on the topics of: 1. Building trust through disclosure and vulnerability 2. Listening

1. Disclosure & Vulnerability
Listening
Semira Rahemtulla
Sept 20, 2016

2. Who am I?
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ Vividence
(Acq by Keynote)
• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. First Exercise

4. If You Really Knew Me
(right now)…

5. Exercise #1: If You Really Knew Me (right now)…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the
sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”

6. Exercise #2
Do Your Best Listening

7. Exercise #2: Do Your Best Listening
• Find a partner in the room, go sit with them.
• Pick a Person A & Person B
• Wait for further instructions

8. Exercise #2: Do Your Best Listening
• Person A: 4min to talk about an irritating situation
• Person B: Do your best listening
• Then switch
Take notes on your experience being heard
• How are you feeling?
• What kinds of questions did your listener ask?
• What is the outcome of the conversation?

9. How was that?
What were some of the questions people asked?
What was the very best listening you heard?
What made it feel that way?

10. A Thought Experiment…
On a quiet Sunday afternoon, when your partner says:
“I hate Sundays! I get so stressed on Sundays because Monday
comes next! I hate my job! I wish I could figure out how I could not
have to work there ever again.”
What do you say back?

11. 3 Levels of Listening
1.Listening to win
• Rejecting / tell her she’s wrong
(often nicely)
2.Listening to fix
• Adding new info, asking a question
3.Listening to understand
• Content
• Emotion
• Meaning
- So work is so bad you’d rather not
even go? And you’re frustrated because
you can’t figure out how to get around a
thing you hate?
- That’s not true! Sundays are the
best! You’ve got to enjoy Sundays - at
least it’s not yet Monday.
- You know, Sundays used to be
like that for me, too. You just have to not
think about Monday.
- What’s going on at work?

12. Why is listening so hard?
Our reflexes are more wired for
this…
…than for this:

13. Our mental models affect how we listen
How can I get her to
focus on the real issue?
How can I get her to
see it my way?
Why is she being so
difficult?
PEOPLE HAVE
PROBLEMS
Listening to “fix”
What is she saying?
What’s the central feeling?
What is it connected to?
What’s her implicit hope, intent,
or fear?
PEOPLE HAVE
PERSPECTIVES
Listening to understand

14. Exercise #3
Practice “Level 3” Listening

15. Exercise #3: Practice “Level 3” Listening
• Person A: 3 minutes to talk about the same issue
• Person B listens at “Level 3” – Listening for
meaning
• Then switch
3 minutes to debrief with each other
• Listener: What meaning did you hear?
• Speaker: Did you feel understood?

16. Exercise #4
Real-life discussion

17. Exercise #4: Real-life discussion
Groups of 3
• Discuss a complex issue [15min]
• Practice listening for understanding and making
the other person feel heard BEFORE sharing your
view

18. Exercise #4: Real-life discussion
Did you feel heard, understood?
What did your partners do well?
What did they miss?
• 3min to write your feedback
• 2min each to share with the group

19. Exercise #4: Real-life discussion
• 15 more minutes to discuss the issue
• Remember to listen for meaning and make the
other person feel understood, then share your
view