The way we see ourselves, others, and the world, is shaped in the setting of our family of origin. The views we develop there stay with us throughout life.” Richardson, R.W. (2011) Family Ties that Bind (4th ed.). Why do I still feel like a child?

2. Richardson, R.W. (2011)
Family Ties that Bind (4th
ed.).

3. As adults dealing with the stresses and
pressures of „grown-up‟ life, it is not
uncommon to find ourselves faced with
emotional vulnerabilities and childlike
responses reminiscent of our past. This can
take us by surprise or be an all too familiar
scenario, particularly when in the company
of members of our original family such as a
parent, sibling, cousin, aunt or uncle. Have
you ever wondered why your emotional age
drops dramatically when in the presence of
the people you grew up with? Family
gatherings, especially Christmas, are the
perfect opportunity to observe adult
siblings playing out the roles they played as
children in relation to each other and their
parents or caregivers.

4. We slot quickly and easily back into our positions as “the baby of the family”
or “the responsible one” and so on despite perhaps having changed
considerably outside the family. So why do our behaviours, insecurities,
jealousy and resentments from decades ago continue into our adult life
when it comes to family?
Children up to around the age of ten usually assume that their experiences
within the family are not only normal, but mirrored in other families. Whether
they are satisfied or not, children tend to believe that the ways of relating
within their family structure are typical, adopting these behaviours and values
as their own. Before too long however, exposure to other families and
relationships opens up other possibilities. But our early influences are strong
and it can be difficult to let go of the messages from our childhood that may
not be so useful anymore. As a first step, it is important to simply recognise
and accept that our original family system, also referred to as our Family of
Origin has enormous influence over our beliefs, expectations and behaviour
as adults, even for those who are estranged or living on the other side of the
world.

6. In our fast-paced, individualistic Western culture, much attention is focused
on the characteristics and processes within people. We are constantly asking
ourselves questions like “am I happy enough, successful, smart, healthy and
so on?” The list of individual pursuits and benchmarks is endless yet there
are times when it can be overwhelming and we wonder when the vulnerable,
inner child will catch up with the ageing face in the mirror. What is being
neglected in our culture, particularly when things start to go wrong, are the
multigenerational influences between family members which have shaped the
individual.

7. Every member of our family, both past and present, has impacted on the
other family members in one way or another. For example, in order to
reduce anxiety and tension within the family, our parents (and
grandparents, and great-grandparents before them and so on) adopted
patterns of behaviour, belief systems and particular responses for dealing
with problems. You may have been told “always be nice and put others
first” whilst for others it was “get in first and fight for what you want”.
Where did these messages originate? And why are they so different
between families? Regardless of the underlying message, as children, we
learnt these messages and responded accordingly, subsequently growing
into adults without necessarily questioning the values and beliefs that
underpin our views of the world. That is of course until we began to interact
with people, particularly partners whose value systems differed from our
own, or worse still, we began to recognise that our „set in stone‟ beliefs and
automatic responses are sabotaging our happiness and relationships.

9. The good news is, families are open, living systems that evolve over time,
bringing new types of relationships, energy and challenges. This means
that there are endless possibilities for change and growth. Through self-
reflection and the exploration of our extended family system it is possible
for individuals to continue to belong to the family they grew up in, to be
part of it both physically and emotionally yet maintain psychological
separateness and the ability to function independently with confidence,
even if your attitudes differ.

10. To be differentiated means to maintain close relationships with your parents,
siblings or extended family without becoming overwhelmed, overly involved or
influenced by their needs, beliefs and evaluations. If, for instance, parental
anxiety, or unresolved anger from previous generations have been
unintentionally transmitted (projected) onto you as a child, you can begin to
understand those beliefs and behaviours that you have adopted and start to
make changes by challenging the messages that have had adverse effects on
your expectations of others, as well as on your emotional and psychological
wellbeing. Rather than breaking away from one‟s family of origin (cutting-off),
you can begin the process of growing away (obtaining emotional objectivity). As
a starting point to obtaining emotional objectivity, it may be useful to complete
a family tree or genogram, observing the types of personalities that have
influenced yourself and other family members. A helpful resource to begin this
process is Monica McGoldrick‟s “You Can Go Home Again”. Another good
starting point is “Family Ties that Bind” by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Both books
guide the reader in understanding their family of origin and exploring its
influence on their sense of self.

11. Many of us grow old waiting for other family members to change. We
can however, take the first step towards acceptance by looking at
ourselves and the generations that came before us in order to gain a
deeper understanding of our family‟s unique characteristics and how
they have influenced each individual within the system. It is possible
to maintain a balance between belonging to our past and growing (or
differentiating) as an individual. One must first begin to reject the
attitudes, behaviours and beliefs of others within the family system
that aren‟t working for us and more importantly, start to identify and
develop the ones that are.

12. To know more details, visit:
http://www.livewellcentre.com.au