The document describes an intimacy workshop series that will cover topics like the 7 levels of intimacy and how intimacy starts from within as we reveal our authentic selves, rather than through just physical intimacy. The workshops encourage participants to balance their needs for togetherness and individuality in relationships through self-validation and differentiation in order to have healthy intimacy.

1. The Intimacy Workshop
Series

2. • Former St. Brigid staff pastoral
counselor from 2004-2006.
• USD graduate with MA in Pastoral
Care & Counseling (2005).
• Alliant Int‟l University graduate with
MA in Marriage & Family Therapy
(2007).
• Currently an intern at a local agency
and in private practice.

3. • www.pccsandiego.com
• pcc = Pastoral Counseling Center

4. • Part 1 - An Introduction to Intimacy
(What is…?)
• Part 2 - The 7 Levels of Intimacy (How
to…?)

5. Next Workshop:
July 28, 2009
7-9pm

6. • www.slideshare.net
• Search on “introduction to intimacy”
• Movie clips will not be available.

7. What does intimacy look like in a
relationship?

8. What are some
characteristics of healthy
relationships that you
have observed among
your friends or parents?

9. People think
intimacy can be
experienced by
having SEX!

11. Intimacy

12. “Intimacy is
 The recursive experience…
 …of open self-confrontation
(vulnerability)…
 …of core aspects of the self…
 …in the presence of a partner.”
--David Schnarch
Author of Passionate Marriage

13. Relevant Point:
Intimacy starts
from within.

14. • “You will experience intimacy only to
the extent that you are prepared to
reveal yourself.”
• “We are most lovable not when we are
pretending to have it all together, but in
our raw and imperfect humanity.”
Matthew Kelly
Author of The 7 Levels of Intimacy

15. • “Unwilling to reveal ourselves, we
remain always alone.”
• “We want to be loved, but we hold back
thinking that our faults will be judged
and used as an excuse to oust us.”
Matthew Kelly
Author of The 7 Levels of Intimacy

16. “The very things we fear that others may learn
about us are the very things that bring us
closer together.”
Ryan Buchmann
Not an author …yet

17. “The Incredibles”

18. The Four Aspects of
the Human Person

19. • Entails knowledge of one‟s feelings
 Being able to identify when one is
experiencing an emotion.
 The ability to label the emotion which one is
experiencing.
 The ability to know the source of the emotion.

20. “What Dreams May Come”

21. • Knowing how you think and what you
believe to be true.
 To which beliefs to do you hold rigidly? To
which do you hold flexibly?
 What drives, inspires, and motivates your
beliefs?
 What is the source of your beliefs?
 What experiences did you undergo to form
your beliefs?

22. “Before Sunrise”

23. • Easy to do: a smile, a handshake, an
embrace, a kiss on the cheek.
• As a couple we hold hands, walk arm in
arm, or snuggle.
• Physical intimacy entails connecting
with someone through any of the
senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, or
taste.

24. Sex

25. • When physical intimacy is established
too quickly, it begins to stunt the
growth of the relationship.
• We begin judge the quality and value of
our relationship on the basis of
physical intimacy.

26. • Physical intimacy is limited.
• Emotional, intellectual, and spiritual
intimacies are limitless.
• If you want to truly experience the
upper reaches of physical intimacy,
you must explore and develop the
depths of emotional, intellectual, and
spiritual intimacy first.

27. “Good Will Hunting”

28. • Each person does everything within
their power to become their most
authentic self.
• The authentic self is the very person
that God created us to be.
• The authentic self is directly connected
to our essential purposein life. What
we do should radiate our authenticity.

29. The Problem
People often fail
to be authentic.

30. The Problem
Why??
Because authenticity is rarely
modeled for us.

31. • Prior to the Fall of Man in Gen 3, man
and woman could stand before God
“naked without shame.”
• After the Fall, the effects of Original Sin
cause a resistance to be vulnerable
before God.

32. • Humans perpetually exist and labor in
the shadow of Original Sin; the rip
current flows in the direction of death.

33. • We should strive to swim toward God
and resist the current by vulnerably
presenting our naked selves to God—
sins, flaws, and all.

34. • If you cannot be
vulnerable before
God who loves you
perfectly and
unconditionally…

35. • …what makes you
think you can be
vulnerable with
another person,
who will love you
conditionally and
imperfectly?

36. • You must be able to be vulnerable with God
before you can be vulnerable with somebody
else. Otherwise, there is no authenticity.

37. [Jesus] called a child over, placed it in their
midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless
you turn and become like children, you will not
enter the kingdom of heaven.
Whoever humbles himself like this child is the
greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”
Mt 18:1-3

38. “Tuesdays with Morrie”

39. “True holiness is achieved by being your
most authentic self.”
Ryan Buchmann

41. • Deeper Self vs. Apparent Self

42. • Solid Self (Deeper Self)
 Made up of firmly held convictions and beliefs.
 Formed slowly and can be changed from
within self, but never changed by coercion or
persuasion by others.
 The core beliefs of the solid self define who a
person is.
 e.g. your sexual orientation

43. • Pseudo Self (Apparent Self)
 Made up of knowledge incorporated by the
intellect and of principles and beliefs acquired
from others (from outside self).
 Negotiable in relationship with others.
 Can be changed by emotional pressure to
enhance one’s image with others or to oppose
the other.
 e.g. One’s religious faith

44. • Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise
“Earlier this week, stunning Katie, who was raised a
Catholic, admitted she had been studying
Scientology. The brunette babe, who has been
romancing twice-married Tom for just two months,
revealed she wanted to share the same faith as the
actor.
She said: „Yes, I am taking classes
and I'm really excited about it.
„I have looked into it myself and I
really like it and I think it's really
wonderful. I feel like I'm bettering
myself‟.”
http://femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity

45. Media Clip
“White Oleander”

46. • Relationship is a primary human drive.
Another drive is toward an autonomous
self.
• People move toward relationship to
insure survival of self and to procreate.
• People move toward autonomy to
establish one‟s individual identity and
one‟s place in the world.

47. • For humans, survival is more than
physical. It also addresses the needs
for comfort, safety, and emotional
relatedness.
• The drive for relationship is reflective
of our deepest human longings.

48. The Delicate Balance
 Human beings must delicately
balance the drive for relationship
with the drive for autonomy.

49. The Delicate Balance
 Togetherness
urges us
toward others
for
attachment, aff
iliation, and for
approval.
 Finds expression in
companionship, fa
mily, and society
itself.

50. The Delicate Balance
 Individuality is
defining one’s
self as separate
from others.
 Individual beliefs,
choices, personal
autonomy.

51. The Delicate Balance
Balancing between individuality
(autonomy) and togetherness
(relationship) creates a constant
tension.
Relationship
Togetherness
Individuality

52. • A person over-oriented toward
individuality becomes self-absorbed and
set in their ways.
Togetherness
Individuality

53. • A person over-oriented toward
togetherness becomes dependent on
others for a sense of self.
Individuality
Togetherness

54. The Delicate Balance
 The ability to maintain a constant
self-defined identity under
pressure is called differentiation.
 Intimacy occurs when two
differentiated selves connect at
some level (physically,
intellectually, emotionally,
spiritually). Togetherness
Individuality

55. Self-Validated Intimacy
 The ability to validate one’s own
experience/existence…
 …in the face of pressure from the
other/partner…
 …without cutting off…
 …is called self-validated intimacy.

56. “The Incredibles”

57. “The Incredibles”

58. “The Incredibles”

59. “The Incredibles”

60. A Healthy Relationship
In short, a healthy relationship is
formed when
 two people who each have a
healthy sense of their identity…
 …come together willing to
regularly and openly confront their
authentic self…
 …in the presence of their partner.

61. Trying to Conform
 Commonly held beliefs about
intimacy result from the romantic
notion that being loved by another
will provide us with an intimate
experience.
 This notion is referred as other-
validated intimacy.

62. Trying to Conform
 In reality, the very proximity of
the other is threatening to the
self.
 The fear that one could be
abandoned or rejected by our
significant other puts pressure on
the self to conform to the
perceived needs or desires of the
other.

63. Trying to Conform
 The anxious focus on the other
detracts from the focus on self-
definition that is critical to the
experience of intimacy.
 The resultant loss of self weakens
the intimacy bond and forms an
unhealthy dependence.

64. In Review
 The ability to validate one’s own
experience/existence in the face
of pressure from the other/partner
without cutting off is called self-
validated intimacy.
 When one looks to the partner for
reassurance and definition, that is
called other-validated intimacy.

65. Media Clip
“Sexual Healing - Carlos & Kellie”

66. Small Group Questions
1. What do you think are the
potential causes for the lack of
intimacy in Carlos and Kellie’s
relationship?
2. What do you think they should do
to correct these problems?
3. How can these problems be
avoided?

67. Questions for the
Speaker