Presentation on the work of Dr. Robert Kegan, by Rabbi Dov Emerson (@dovemerson) and Rabbi Elly Storch (@estorch) to the faculty of the DRS HALB Yeshiva High School for Boys, faculty in-service, September 2008.

1. 1 WELCOME! DRS Yeshiva High School Faculty Conference: 9/2/08

2. Understanding & Overcoming The Immunity to Change DRS Yeshiva High School For Boys Faculty Conference 9.2.08

3. Immunity to Change 3

4. 4 Our Field Trip to Harvard

5. Warm Up

6. 6 The Problem The Warm Up Why Are New Year’s Resolutions Never Kept?

7. 7 Ground Rules of the Game Speaker- How much or how little you want to let your partner in on during reflections is continuously up to you and you alone Listener- It is not your job to point out to someone something you think he or she may be missing Partner- It is preferable not to talk to partners with whom you have a subordinate or reporting relationship. The Warm Up

8. 8 The Big Meeting The Warm Up

9. 9 Activating the Internal Languages If there is a single thing that you could get significantly better at which would make the biggest difference to your work, what would it be? The Warm Up

10. 10 The Complaints “I am overweight “Nobody really talks to each other in our shop; people talk about each other. There’s an incredible amount of dysfunctional behind the back gossip, really, and running each other down. People have issues with other people, but the way we all handle it is that we talk about it with other people. We don’t go to the person we have the issue with.” The Warm Up

11. 11 The Warm Up This result will go in our chart under the column for the warmup

12. 12 The Warm Up This result will go in our chart under the column for the warm up

13. 13 Time Out!

14. 14 NBC Nagging Belittling Complaining

15. Step 1: From Complaint to Commitment Turning the Corner

16. 16 Is Complaining Bad?

17. 17 The Value of Complaining Lets off steam Brings to the surface real issues Makes one feel less isolated Answers the Question: “Am I the ONLY ONE Who Thinks This is Crazy??”

18. 18 The PROBLEM With Complaining Just TALK Nothing HAPPENS. Complaining does not TRANSFORM.

19. 19 Complaining = Caring If a person did not care, they wouldn’t bother to complain. Complaining means you care about change!

20. 20 Turning the Corner How do we turn complaints into something that will be TRANSFORMATIVE?

21. 21 Turning the Corner Let’s revisit one of our original “complaints” “Nobody really talks to each other in our shop; people talk about each other. There’s an incredible amount of behind the back gossip. People have issues with other people, but the way we all handle it is that we talk about it with other people. We don’t go to the person we have the issue with.”

22. 22 Turning the Corner Using this complaint as the basis, ask yourself the following question: What commitments or convictions that you hold are actually implied in the complaint? OR IN OTHER WORDS… Fill in the end of the sentence: “I am committed to the value or importance of ______________________________” GOAL: to distill our initial reaction down to a CORE COMMITMENT that we feel strongly about.

23. 23 Turning the Corner This result will go in our chart under the column for step #1

26. It’s important to you: whatever the one you pick, it should be the highest level of importance to you.

27. 25 Turning the Corner From This “Nobody really talks to each other in our shop; people talk about each other. There’s an incredible amount of behind the back gossip. People have issues with other people, but the way we all handle it is that we talk about it with other people. We don’t go to the person we have the issue with.” To This “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work”

28. 26 Turning the Corner Back to our chart…

30. Went from an open ended complaint with no real options for us to change…

32. 29 Time Out!

33. 30 Are Commitments Enough? Next: Why or why not commitments will be sufficient to affect change.

34. Step 2: From the Language of Blame to the Language of Personal Responsibility Undermining the Goal

35. 32 Three alcoholic brothers

36. 33 Doing/ Not Doing What I am doing or not doing, that prevents my commitment from being more fully realized.

37. 34 Criteria Behaviors- Not dispositions. Clear how it undermines or works against the column # 1 commitment Not why or what you should do about it.

38. 35 Undermining the Goal “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work” I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently , I collude in it being OK to talk behind one another’s back.

39. 36 Competing Commitment Back to our chart…

40. 37 Competing Commitment Back to our chart…

41. 38 Time Out!

42. 39 From Blame To Personal Responsibility Easily and reflexively produced and widespread; comfortable to express Holds other responsible for their behaviors Frequently generates frustration, alienation and impotence in speaker Frequently generates defensiveness in others Non-tranformational; rarely goes anywhere At best raises questions on others Relatively rare, unless explicitly intended; uncomfortable to express Express specific behavior we personally engage in Draws on the momentum of our commitments. Frequently generates productive conversation Transformational; directs our attention to point of influence Raises questions on oneself

43. Step 3: Uncovering our Hidden Commitments What “Balances” Us?

44. 41 We Are At A Crossroads…

45. 42 “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work” I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back.

46. 43 Fix the problem. STOP the negative behavior! I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back. But this does not work. It’s a “New Year’s Resolution” Approach

47. 44 What’s Wrong With a New Year’s Resolution? Personal Experience (they often don’t work) We are looking at our behavior as simply a bad habit. This only looks at the surface of the problem. Not the source of the behaviors. If we don’t find the root of the problem, the behavior will simply return again down the road.

48. 45 Getting to the root of the negative behaviors. The underlying reasons for why we act in certain ways. Fix the problem. STOP the negative behavior! I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back. But this does not work. It’s a “New Year’s Resolution” Approach

49. 46 Finding the Root Worry Box “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work” I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back. Hidden Commitment

50. 47 Step #3: Competing Commitment To determine what should go in the worry box, ask yourself the following question: How would I feel if I did the OPPOSITE of what I wrote in Column #2? Worry Box To determine what should go in the hidden commitment box, ask yourself the following question: What hidden commitment do I have that makes sure that I don’t experience the feelings I listed in the worry box? Hidden Commitment

52. It should show why the 2nd column behaviors make all the sense in the world.

54. 50 Step #2: Behaviors Worry Box: “I think that what I’d really be most afraid of in calling people on the backbiting and gossip is that people would seem me as the Tough Woman, you know? The activist, the crusader. Deep down, this is probably who I really am, but I’ve seen what happens when you’re tagged with this reputation, and I don’t like it. I am afraid of being the odd person out.” “I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back.” Competing Commitment: (or) I may also be committed to: Not being seen as the brave crusader, or Miss/Mr. Holier Than Thou….having people feel comfortable with me.

55. 51 “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work” Worry Box Being seen as the tough office crusader. I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back. Hidden Commitment I may also be committed to: not being seen as the tough crusader. Having people comfortable with me.

56. 52 Let’s look at our other example… Worry Box: I am worried …that I will be hungry. …about where my next meal will come from. …about missing out on some of the pleasures of good food. I am committed to the value or importance of… losing weight. I am OVERWEIGHT I am also committed to …being satiated. …eating food when it’s available. …maximizing my pleasure.

57. 53 Time Out!

58. 54 Why are ‘competing commitments’ significant? Column #1 Commitment I am committed to the value and importance of... More open communication. Losing weight. Etc. Column #3: Competing Commitment I am also committed to... Having people comfortable with me. Being satiated. Etc. Behaviors (column #2): I don’t speak up enough. I eat too much. Etc. Our difficulties with fulfilling our column #1 commitments MAKE SENSE.

59. Step 4: From The Big Assumptions that Hold Us to the Language of Assumptions We Hold Upsetting the Apple Cart

60. 56

61. 57 “Our experience is not what happens to us, but what we make of what happens to us.” -Aldus Huxley

62. 58 CRITERIA Makes the 3rd column commitment absolutely necessary. Has a conclusion that worries us.

63. 59 The Big Assumption Step #3: Competing Commitment Hidden Commitment I may also be committed to: not being seen as the tough crusader. Having people comfortable with me. Step #4 Big Assumption If people saw me as a crusader, or holier then thou, then I would eventually be completely shunned, have no real connections in my office and I would find work a nightmare from which I couldn’t wake up I Assume that if the opposite of step #3 takes place…

64. 60 “I am committed to the value and importance of…More open and direct communication at work” Worry Box Being seen as the tough office crusader. I don’t speak up when people are violating the norm I value. Silently, I collude in it being ok to talk behind one another’s back. Hidden Commitment I may also be committed to: not being seen as the tough crusader. Having people comfortable with me.

65. 61 Let’s look at our other example… Worry Box: I am worried …that I will be hungry. …about where my next meal will come from. …about missing out on some of the pleasures of good food. I am committed to the value or importance of… losing weight. I am OVERWEIGHT I am also committed to …being satiated. …eating food when it’s available. …maximizing my pleasure.

66. 62 Time Out!

67. 63 My BTB

68. 64 comic

69. Wrap Up: Testing Our Big Assumptions What Now?

70. 66 A S.M.A.R.T. Way to Test Our Assumptions Safe Modest Actionable Researcher’s stance Test

71. 67 Dr. Robert Kegan Developmental Psychologist The William and Miriam Meehan Professor in Adult Learning and Professional Development at Harvard University.