This document discusses managing conflict and having difficult conversations in the workplace. It notes that emotional intelligence skills like handling pressure well and being a good listener are more important for leadership success than IQ or technical skills. The document provides tips for having needs-based communication by making observations, stating how an issue makes you feel and the need not being met, and making a request. It emphasizes interrogating reality by clarifying understanding and looking for agreement rather than defending positions. The goal is to build a culture where conflict becomes a process of problem solving rather than personal attacks.

1. April 19, 2018
Leading People:
The Art of Being Truly Present
Kris Mailepors, MBA
kris@bushidoleadership.com
Tw @bushidoleader
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2. *How often do you witness or take part in
conflict of some kind?
*How many other things do you see daily yet
receive almost none of your professional
growth attention?
Your team’s success in the current era of
healthcare depends on your ability as leaders
to engage in conversations that provoke
significant change.
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3. *A Whole New Mind: Study - I.Q. accounts for 4-8%
of leadership success. The rest is integrity, trust,
authenticity, creativity, honestly, resilience
*Center for Creative Leadership (2015); 85% of all
careers are derailed or capped for reasons related
to emotional competencies (poorly handling
interpersonal conflict, poor leadership in difficult
times, can’t elicit trust)
NOT: education, skills
Your team’s success in the current era of
healthcare depends on your ability as leaders to
engage in conversations that provoke significant
change.
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4. *Have you ever learned about conflict before?
*Then why is it still a problem???
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5. *Takeaways:
1. Conflict Management isn’t about being conflict – free
2. Who are the players/sides in a conflict?
3. Who are the players/sides in Tough Love?
4. Tools to build a culture where conflict isn’t conflict;
change your thinking / change your world!
I promise I won’t get to finish – but you MUST!
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6. How does it start?
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7. *It is inevitable
*It arises from assumptions
*It arises from Misunderstanding (ambiguity or
miscommunication)
*Conflict is healthy, but needs to be managed
*Can create increased trust, but also tension
*There is more than one way to resolve it
*Nobody “wants” conflict
*Is it just at work??
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8. *Managing Conflict: Errors_
*Avoiding?
*Giving in?
*Collaborating with others?
*Compromising?
*Starting with demands?
*Handling via email?
Communicating
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Managing Conflict: Errors_

10. People who score high in areas of emotional intelligence:
1. THEY CAN HANDLE PRESSURE HEALTHILY
2. THEY UNDERSTAND AND COOPERATE WITH OTHERS
3. THEY’RE GOOD LISTENERS
4. THEY’RE MORE OPEN TO FEEDBACK
5. THEY’RE EMPATHETIC
6. THEY SET AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS TO FOLLOW
7. THEY MAKE MORE THOUGHTFUL AND THOROUGH DECISIONS
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11. A Skill can only serve you if:
1. You Develop, grow, and polish it
2. You access the tools to utilize it
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12. Three Laws of Performance:
1. How people act in conflict/crisis relates to how the
situation occurs to them.
2. How a situation occurs completely arises in our language
3. Language must be common! Future-based language will
transform how people experience conflict/crisis.
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13. Disappointing Results at work are usually in line
with disappointing results at home
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14. This isn’t new to anyone;
Recognize how important it is to you
…to your team
…to your family
Revisit this often; be diligent
Openly engage and challenge your teammates prioritize this
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16. Anyone used it?
How do you apply it?
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17. *Cruel? Threatening? Or independent, loyal?
Ever been in a tough interaction and wonder
“how did it ever get this bad?”
_____________________________
Blaming isn’t the answer…neither is cocooning. We avoid many
things because it’s a polite relationship
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18. The issue may not be your fault…
…but it’s your responsibility.
Today, you are playing a role
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19. Ever say these things?
“It’s the principle of it”
“I Pick my battles…”
“That’s just who they are…”
“Why wreck another meeting”
“I take the high road” (lame excuse)
“Let’s agree to disagree”
The NON-Conversation is expen$ive! Why? What’s the cost??
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20. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
We have mental models – it’s how we make sense of the world
Your routines – what happens when someone messes with them?
(commute, policy, process, meds, supplies…)
There is something in is that responds deeply to people who will
level with us
What if… “you’re the problem?”
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27. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
Ask yourself:
What are my goals when I converse with people (this person)?
How often do I find myself—just to be polite—saying something I don’t
mean?
How many meetings have I been to where the real issues were not
discussed? (in marriage?) What issues are we just avoiding for peace?
What conversation have I not been able to have with
(VP, colleague, employee, MYSELF), that if I were to
have it, it could change everything?
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28. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
3 Stages to Interrogate Reality & get to the truth…
1. ID the issue on the table
Make a proposal if you have one: “this is my idea, here’s how I see it”
Well-defined ideas are a great jumping off point, even if rejected (dummy idea)
2. Check for understanding (Questions to clarify)
3. Check for agreement
“if you see it differently, I’d like to hear it” (call on people)
Resist the urge to defend yourself or build a stronger case…
“apparently, you haven’t grasped the brilliance of my idea”
Inquire about their opinion
Look to people with the best vantage point, not the experienced
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29. Master the Courage to interrogate reality
Working under competing realities
is like nailing Jello to the wall
GET IT?? “INTERROGATE” = QUESTION
**secret rule to being present and finding the truth: questions
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30. THREE Aspects to any
interaction
1.The external behavior
2.MY internal experience
3.YOUR internal experience
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31. Area of Expertise:
*My motivation
*My intention
Area of Expertise:
*Effects on you
*Impact on you
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32. Area of Expertise:
*Effects on me
*Impact on me
Area of Expertise:
*Your Motivation
*Your intention
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33. “I’M SPEAKING MY TRUTH~!!”
“JUST HAVE AN ‘I’ CONVERSATION”
“WHAT, IT’S HOW I FEEL!?!?”
“I’M GIVING YOU TOUGH LOVE”
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35. Needs – Based Communication
Every emotion/feeling we have is created by a need we have that
has either:
*been satisfied, or
*been prevented from being satisfied
This is a basic premise of understanding the
root cause
of the conflict
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36. How NOT to share feelings:
“I feel like…”
“I feel that…”
These are not feelings, but veiled accusations.
They create more tension because the speaker isn’t even taking
responsibility for the accusation
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37. How NOT to share feelings:
Passive verbs:
accused, ignored, abandoned, put down, misunderstood, bullied,
betrayed, cornered, manipulated, unappreciated, rejected,
threatened
These express how we interpret each other, rather than how we are
actually feeling
Using these passive verbs are another way to make accusations
without even giving proof
These “feelings” when expressed can only create anger, frustration or
sadness in the other person
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38. Observation Feeling
Need
(met or not met)
Request with
complete context and
get what you need
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39. *
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40. *
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41. *
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42. How do you “create” culture
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43. How do you “create” culture
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44. Lead in: (be as non-threatening as possible)
“I want to talk to you about the impact your
(effort, work style/leadership style)
is having on
(me, the department, etc)”
Observation:
“when you __________”
(specific and observable…probably not deniable)
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45. Context: (emotional impact of that behavior)
I feel ___________
*OR*
Colleagues/they feel ____________
Because I/we/they have a need for _____________
(challenge yourself to not be vague…instead of saying “I
have a need for respect” ask yourself “what does respect
look like?” …the statement might look more like “I have a
need for people to listen to me without interrupting”)
Talk about what’s at stake: result, value
Request: So what can I do to help with ________
(a collaborative statement to improve the behavior)
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46. *Takeaways:
1. Conflict Management isn’t about being conflict –
free
2. Tools to build a culture where conflict isn’t
conflict
3. Who are the players/sides in a conflict?
4. Who are the players/sides in Tough Love?
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*
1. Fierce Conversations; Susan Scott
2. Compassionate Non-Violent Communication;
Marshall Rosenberg (cnvc.org)
3. Crucial Conversations; Grenny, et al
4. Three Laws of Performance; Zaffron & Logan
Kris Mailepors, MBA
kris@bushidoleadership.com
Tw @bushidoleader