Managing Conflict for Leaders

Exploring conflict for a happier,
more productive workplace
HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT – DENVER
Paul Gibbons, September 30, 2015

© 2015 Paul Gibbons
Conflict
Employees around the world on average
spend 2.1 hours per week dealing with
conflict.
However, this figure rises to 2.8 hours in the
United States, where roughly one in three
employees (33 percent) say that conflict has
led to personal injury or attacks, while one
in five employees (22 percent) report that it
has led to illness or absence from work.

Webster's
•Synonyms
◦ Fight, struggle, contention
•“Sharp disagreement or opposition of interests, ideas, etc.”
•…a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat
to their needs, interests or concerns
OR…
•Conflict is the source of all growth and an absolute necessity if
one is to be alive. (Jean Miller, psychologist)
Which of these is correct?

What makes it destructive/
constructive?
DESTRUCTIVE
One person has to give up too
much
The dispute hurts a relationship
There is no agreement reached
There are uncontrolled emotions
(anger), directed at the individual
not the issue
The conflict prevents or stops
others from being productive
CONSTRUCTIVE
Leads to a win-win resolution
Builds a strong relationship with
improved communication
Opens people up to new ideas
Develops common goals
Allows responsible expression of
emotions
Clarifies a problem and leads
toward a solution

Rate your team’s conflict score
Hurts relationships
Should be avoided
Resolution is based on status
and power
Disregards differences of
opinion
Has nothing to be gained from
it
Is about blame
Produces a winner and a loser
Strengthens relationships
Should be resolved
Resolution is based on equality
of power
Recognizes and appreciates
differences of opinion
Can generate growth
Is about understanding and
coming to agreement
Can produce a win-win
resolution

Summary
•Conflict is a fundamental aspect of human relationships … arises
from the physical necessity of seeing the world differently, and
essential genetic and developmental differences
•Conflict is essential to optimal functioning in businesses
◦ But too much can destroy value
•Whether conflict is constructive or destructive depends upon
◦ whether the business situation which generated the conflict was more
efficiently (creatively) resolved as a result of the conflict
◦ whether, once that situation has passed, the capacity of the actors to
resolve conflict in the future is enhanced
◦ Relationships, mutual understanding, long-term solutions not band aids

Conflict
◦ How much conflict do I see?
◦ What is the effect of it on me? Team
members? Our workplace?
◦ What do I think might help?
◦ What would I like to get out of today?

Today
1. What we agree upon…
2. Personal conflict style…
3. Sources of conflict
4. Conflict skills

What we agree upon
What are the big things we agree upon?

Understanding
Your Conflict Style

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode
Instrument assesses an individual’s
typical behavior in conflict situations
and describes it along two
dimensions: assertiveness and
cooperativeness. The model has 5
conflict modes.
The Thomas-Kilmann
Conflict Mode Instrument

The Model: 5 Conflict
Modes
Different styles have different
goals:
Competing: The goal is to win
Accommodating : The goal is to
yield
Avoiding: The goal is to delay
Collaborating: The goal is
multiple participation
Compromising: The goal is to
find middle ground

Competing is effective:
When quick decisive action is needed.
When unpopular action must be taken on
important issues.
When the issue is vital and the right course is clear.
To protect against people who take advantage of
noncompetitive behavior.
Competing

Accommodating is effective:
When you are wrong, learning is important, or
demonstrating reasonableness is critical.
When creating goodwill is paramount.
To build social credits for later use.
To stop unproductive or damaging competition.
When harmony is important.
Accommodating

Avoiding is effective:
When the issue is relatively trivial.
When you know you can’t be satisfied.
When the costs of conflict outweigh the benefits of resolution.
To allow “cooling off”.
When it’s important to have more information.
When others can resolve the issue more effectively.
When the conflict is tangential to something more important.
Avoiding

Collaborating is effective:
When it’s important that both sides be integrated.
When you want to learn and fully understand
others’ views.
To merge different perspectives and insights.
To gain commitment through consensual decisions.
To work through hard feelings that have interfered
with interpersonal relationships.
Collaborating

Compromising is effective:
When goals are less important than avoiding the
disruption caused by more assertive conflict
resolution styles.
When opponents have equal power and
commitment to mutually exclusive goals.
To temporarily settle complex issues.
To quickly achieve an expedient solution.
As a backup style when collaboration or
competition fails.
Compromising

Whatever style you use, here are some
basic skills for conflict resolution:
Manage anger
Listen actively
Avoid assumptions
Find something on which to agree
Be cautious with criticism
Negotiate
Conflict Resolution

Your conflict style
•Please fill out and score the questionnaire (5m)
•Discuss in pairs (10m)
• Whether your identified style ‘feels right’
• What you think the strengths of it are?
• When most useful… which contexts…
• What you think the weaknesses of it are?
• When least useful… which contexts…

Context – when each style works
When quick action is needed
When strong commitment to outcomes is needed
Postponing tension
Maintain balance and harmony
When someone tries to take advantage of non-cooperative behavior
Mutual exploration of creative approaches
When others might resolve the conflict more effectively
When it is not important for you to win
When emotions are strong
Where relationships are most important
When the issue importance is the most important feature

Objective of this section
Through understanding the sources of conflict…
◦ Both generally (the theory)
◦ And personally (in your specific situation(s))
You begin to see that it
◦ ‘isn’t about you’
◦ It isn’t necessarily about them either…

Conflict exercises -
preparation
•Take 10 minutes to write down a real business conflict
scenario…(current or past)
◦ Key background
◦ Who what where when
◦ How it began
◦ Initiation of the conflict
◦ How it unfolded
◦ What were various steps along the way to resolution (or not)
◦ How it ended
◦ How were you affected by how it ended? Or, how are you affected now?
◦ This will be your ‘case study’ for today
◦ The value you get from the course will be related to how well you can
apply the insights to this conflict
◦ Ergo, make it meaningful, real, messy and difficult personally

What causes conflict?
•In your groups, take 5 minutes to…
• List all external factors that cause conflict
• List all internal factors that cause conflict
•Now apply this to your example.
• What, from your team’s list, were the causes?
• Is knowing the causes helpful?

The conflict iceberg

Sources – past, present,
future
◦ Past – history of unresolved conflict
◦ Damaged relationships/ low trust/ personal
◦ Future….
◦ Anticipated material loss, or…
◦ Anticipated loss of status, self-esteem, emotional safety, identity, relationships, power…
◦ Anticipated loss of control
◦ Need to ‘be right’
◦ If I let go of this (fixed position), then…
◦ Present
◦ Clash of values/ ideas/ perspectives/ wants-needs
◦ Examine your conflict situation through this lens
◦ Which feature of this analysis describes yours? Where is the tension, past, present or
future?

Past, present and future:
completion
◦ Hypothesis: it is extraordinarily difficult to make
progress in the present, to design a new future,
when the past (and associated emotions clog the
path)
◦ ‘Completion’ – clearing away past rubble (regrets,
resentments, stories, blame, suspicion) can be an
critical step (sine qua non)
◦ Completion happens in a conversation –
forgiveness, willingness to let go, saying everything
that needs to be said, giving up the right to bring the
past into the conflict

Social psychology of conflict
◦ Conflict can be a structural feature of organizations
◦ Sherriff – ‘in groups’ and ‘out groups’
◦ Role conflict – e.g. marketing/ r&d
◦ Systems conflict – Oshry (Tops, Middles, Bottoms)
◦ The point for all of you is?

Purpose of this section
To introduce the notion that conflict is rarely a matter of dispute over
facts…
◦ (the facts after all should be beyond dispute – if they were ‘real’ facts)
That it lies in the realm of opinions, interpretations, judgments,
projections
◦ And (importantly) values
But if both sides hold onto their opinions, interpretations, judgments
and projections as if they were facts… there is little chance of
constructive resolution

Self – deception: illusory
superiority
◦ Lake Wobegon effect
◦ "all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all
the children are above average,"
•68% of faculty rated themselves in the top 25% for teaching ability.
•87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic
performance as above the median
•93% of the US drivers and 69% of Swedish put themselves in the top
50% (above the median)
•What is going on?
•Why is this relevant?

I have facts, you have
opinions…
• That idea won’t work… (FACT or OPINION)
• That project is too risky…
• This company is profitable…
• The reason sales are low is…
• You are late…
• That decision is unfair…
• We are behind schedule…
• Our cash flow is weak…
Hypothesis –
most of what
causes conflict at
work is in the
realm of opinion,
judgment,
evaluation,
prediction…

Facts about opinions
Opinions are NEVER true or false
◦ Opinions (judgments, evaluations) all have standards… Different conflicting
opinions often have at bottom different standards
◦ ‘late’, ‘profitable’, ‘efficient’, ‘caring’, ‘committed’, ‘reliable’
◦ So why do we fight about them? What are we actually fighting for?
The existence of evidence, even ample good evidence, still makes the
opinion an opinion
• Opinions can be ‘grounded’ with facts – but never proven true or false (because then they
become a fact)
• X is an effective leader?

Opinions about opinions
Perhaps the single greatest source of suffering in the world is the confusion
of fact and opinion
◦ And the fact that our opinions constitute ‘who we are’, ‘what we stand for’, ‘our integrity’,
‘our identity’
◦ Moral judgments are always opinions, predictions are always opinions, evaluations are
always opinions
◦ X is wrong or right can never be substantiated by fact
◦ Y will happen can never be proven correct or false
◦ Z is such and such type of person can never be proven T or F
So what?
What does that mean for how you are?
What does that mean for how you interact with their views?

Facts and Opinions exercise
•“Each of us is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”
(Daniel Moynihan, Senator)
•Examine your conflict scenario.
•Where do the main points of difference lie, facts or opinions?

Values conflicts
•Take five minutes to go through the values conflict handout
•Then take five minutes to look at your values in your conflict
situation
• By taking the stance you did, what values were you (by implication)
saying are important?
•Then spend another five minutes looking at your ‘antagonists’
values
• By taking the stance they did, what values were they implying were
most important?

Core skills
Making clear
agreements
Listening/
questioning
Self knowledge/
emotional self
management
Centering

Centering
•Centering exercise – centering your body, clearing your mind
•To become: present, open and connected
◦ Here… not thinking about could, would, should…
◦ Open… to their point of view
◦ Connected… to what is most important, and to them
•What do I care about? What is most important? What do I need to let
go of?
•Why? To produce a way of being (mood and mindset)conducive to
producing results

Knowing yourself – ‘triggers’
•Confucius: ‘If you see merit in another, emulate it’; ‘if you find fault,
look to your own character’
◦ Many character aspects that ‘trigger us…
◦ Is something we have an abundance of ourselves…
◦ Or is a trait we are ‘opposite’ to…
•Exercise – is this true for you?
•Privately - take 3 instances of large interpersonal conflict
◦ Is the ‘triggering behavior’ one you
◦ Have in abundance
◦ See yourself as having the opposite of

Emotions and conflict
•List some of the emotions that come up when you have a conflict
•List how those emotions impede your ability to resolve the conflict
•List ways you can manage your emotional temperature down

Knowing your hot buttons
•Make it hard for us to be at our best: skillful, centered, able to gain
perspective/ distance
•Which words statements or behaviors are your hot buttons (at
least 3)?
•What strategies do you have that work for dealing with your hot
buttons?
•What strategies do you have when you push others’ buttons?

Hot button review
•Center!
•Mentally detach. Observe the situation as from above.
•Name your feelings responsibly.
•Recognize that others have them also.
•Allow things to cool down, ask more questions, get more data
•Use we language as much as possible

Listening – paraphrasing
exercise
•Guidelines
◦ Listen for content in the form of the main idea (thrust) that the person is saying
◦ Listen for the feelings expressed
◦ Listening for the values and ideas that are most important to her
•Five criteria for paraphrasing
◦ Neither add nor subtract anything important
◦ Brief!
◦ But, use original words…
◦ Don’t judge, neither approve or disapprove
◦ Begin with phrases that verify your understanding of what has been said and how the other
person feels
Exercise: A tells B a story about an important event… B practices… A tells
the story in such a way as to make this possible…
AND… non-verbals can get the job done: nodding, eye contact, mmmm, ‘yes,
I see…’, ‘gotcha’, ‘yup’, ‘un huh’

Questioning: ABCs
•Open rather than closed…
•Clarify what they say rather than gather ammo for what you are
about to say…
•Develop the habit of curiosity…
◦ What makes you say that?
◦ Why is that important to you?
◦ When did you first detect this?
◦ What is going on for you right now?
•Inquisitive rather than challenging/ confrontational

Questioning – ten awesome
questions
•What makes you say that? (How do you get from A to B)?
•Why is that important to you?
•How are you making the link?
•Where does your thinking go next?
•If you could wave a wand, what would happen?
•What features of this are most important to you?
•How could we design success?
•How do you feel about that?
•What criteria are you using?
•What steps do you see?

Making clear agreements
• If someone has not made a commitment/ promise or is crystal clear about your standards…
• And, nobody, but nobody does this perfectly…
• You have no right to be upset, disappointed, righteous
• The 100% ‘their fault’ is the black swan of agreements…
• Request
• What
• CLEAR STANDARDS FOR SUCCESS
• Who
• By when
• CLEAR accept/ decline/ counter-offer
• Promise
• Same structure
• Nobody ever fulfills 100%
• Effective people ‘manage their promises’

Essentials in prevention
An ounce of prevention…
Watch your language
Create an effective way of being
Use the breakdown technology

Red rags to bulls
Language that works and that does not…
•Red rag exercise
• Make a list of TEN expressions that start or amplify conflict…
•Alternatives to red rag statements
• Make a list of alternative to those…
•Phrases that tend to mollify
• Make a list of TEN…

Hardener versus Softener
exerciseWhy didn’t you listen?
That must have been hard for you
It is interesting that
You ought to …
In other words…
I think you are hiding something
If you really felt that way, you would have
So you think that
Your main concern is
If I were you, I’d…
You are wondering if this problem can be
solved
You are angry because …
Your just trying to get out of it
You say that this issue is important to you
You feel frustrated that …
Your expenses are the highest in the
department
You see yourself as very dedicated…
You are so late, I don’t think you will ever
finish…
You are always disrupting the meeting
It is upsetting to you that your overtime is
interfering with your family life
It will never work
Hardener or softener?
Together, lets design an alternative to each of the ‘hard’ ones.

Being versus doing…
Hypotheses/ assumptions:
Who we are ‘being’ in a conflict situation largely determines the results..
What are some ways of being that are constructive? Destructive?
The ‘breakdown’ method is partly a structure (formula) but much more importantly,
it is a different way of being/ relating to/ standing in the conflict…
• All important things…..organizations, people, relationships, projects,
discussions go off track all the time…
• Conflict is natural …
• When we don’t manage our ‘being’, it makes things worse for us and others…
• Truly good work relationships (and marriages!) are adept at resolving
differences in a way that maintains conflict in the ‘constructive zone’
Being ‘lives’ in two places…
- in our language (the word, terms, structure, etc.) we use in conversation…
- in our bodies (emotions, moods)

Breakdown – designing a way of
being…
PROBLEM WAY OF BEING
 MOOD (resentful, anxious, frustrated…)
 WHOSE FAULT – yours or theirs
 FACTS OR OPINIONS – collapse, many
opinions masquerading as facts
 STANDARDS – hidden or not shared
 SEPARATE/ INDIVIDUALISTIC – what are
YOU going to do?
BREAKDOWN WAY OF BEING
 MOOD
 WHOSE FAULT
 FACTS OR OPINIONS
 STANDARDS
 YOU AND ME, OR WE
How would we design the breakdown orientation/ process/ way of being?

Declaring a breakdown
Center
◦ Prepare your body…. (center)
◦ Prepare your mind (language) What am I committed to? What outcomes do I want? What relationship do I want? What is shared that can act as ‘ground’ for this…
Context for the conversation
◦ ‘I’d like to declare a breakdown…’
Facts
◦ You opened two new accounts this month, our target is four… OR
◦ We agreed that our customer satisfaction surveys would score 4.5 out of 5, on this one we score 3.9
Opinions/ judgments about that
◦ I believe that is this is a threat to the business because four accounts per month is the minimum to replace customers we lose and still grow market share (and/ or this is due
to poor time management skills)
◦ … OR
◦ I believe the low level of these scores is due to your skill in handling complaints
Standards
◦ The number of new account openings does not include re-opening dormant accounts, or accounts transferred from one account manager to another…
◦ Skillful at managing complaints means for me, that scores on calls that start with a complaint are higher that scores for general enquiries…
Align on facts/ judgments…
Request/ promise, offer/ acceptance
◦ I would like to review our account generation process and look for new practices that might…
◦ How could I help you increase your skills in dealing with upset customers

Breakdown exercise
•Take a real life example of when a ‘problem’ has arisen at work
•Design a ‘breakdown conversation’ using the previous template
•Practice with your partner
◦ 1st try the ‘problem’ method – exaggerate it, have fun
◦ Next role play the breakdown conversation
•Switch

Breakdown review
•Working relationships are a partnership
◦ Having subordinates deliver is your job as a manager
◦ And working on a team, it requires that everyone is co-accountable for
everyone else’s results
◦ Not ‘I've done my job, now you do yours…’
•Standards need to be shared
◦ With no shared standards, there can be no breakdown and no
resolution
•CLEAR distinction between FACT and OPINION
◦ Opinions are essential but not when masquerading as fact

Essentials
‘Hot’ conflict as a breakdown
Powerful performance management
Win-win
Co-create solutions using

Conflict as a breakdown
•When conflict starts, one place people go is
• There should not be conflict here!!!!
• Ergo, the fact of the dispute triggers an opinion, judgment and mood
• In a sense, it is not the conflict itself (the content) that is producing stress, but the fact that it is
conflict there at all… (conflicted about the conflict)
• As your skills grow in managing conflict, this should happen less, more confident to get through
it…
• In the meantime – conflict is an essential, non-negotiable, ever-present, feature of human beings and
organizational life
•When it gets nasty…
• It is an opportunity to declare a breakdown (not to get into conflict about the fact that there is
conflict)
• Fact – I’m noticing raised voices and some angry expressions
• Opinion - From my point of view, the emotions associated with this conflict seem to be getting
hotter
• Standards - Our agreement, as a team, is to maintain a mood and quality of relationships
conducive to solving problems and producing long-term results
• Alignment check
• Request - What could we do/ design that would help restore a mood that is useful?

Performance management
• Characterized by an authority relationship
• Again – using the ‘breakdown’ method
• Center
• Establish relationship and context
• Facts… ‘we agreed you would do x by y to the following standards’
• Fact… ‘x has not happened…’
• Opinion/ judgment… The possible consequences of this, how this might unfold, what judgments I’m making…
• The fault, in my view, seems to lie in how you manage priorities…
• Align…
• Request/ offer
• What can we design so this never happens again?
• Promise – accept, decline, counter-offer
• Follow up, support, consequences
• I’d like an email each Friday with an update on how this is proceeding…
• Is there anything I can do to support you…

Experiencing win-win
•Exercise
•‘Win-win’ gets tossed around like confetti…
•It takes tremendous virtue (courage, temperance, prudence,
wisdom, and care) to really desire win-win rather than ‘me first
and if you happen to get something out of this, it is ok with me’

Designing creative win-win
solutions
•First, complete the exercise on the win-win handout
•Second, once complete, reflect on how a win-win orientation and
problem solving method could help (or would have helped) with
your ‘case study’

Creative conflict resolution
(mood)
•Mood management checklist…
◦ Describe the conflict.
◦ Are the sources past, present or future?
◦ What are the sources? (Are there are some that are not personal – structural?)
◦ What values does their position imply? Mine?
◦ What do I want? What do I think they want?
◦ What would happen if I didn’t get that? What am I most afraid of? Them?
◦ What threats do I perceive? Them?
◦ What views (negative) do I have of them?
◦ What views do I think they hold of me?
◦ What do I need to let go of to proceed?
◦ What is my and their current mood? How might that affect this?
◦ Which of my hot buttons have been pushed?
◦ What am I willing to let go of?

Creative conflict resolution
(mind)
•Nine degrees of separation… Separate
◦ Positions from interests
◦ This is what I want versus these are the interests that have me want that
◦ People from problems
◦ If the other party were your favorite person in the world, then…
◦ Problems from solutions
◦ Rather than solutions battling, creative understanding of problem
◦ Commonalities from differences
◦ What are commonalities/ differences of values, perspectives, needs, interests
◦ Future from the past
◦ Can’t change the past, can design a future
◦ Facts from opinions
◦ Process from content (how versus what)
◦ Is the dispute about one, not the other? If we can’t agree on content, can we agree a process?
◦ Criteria from selection
◦ If we can’t agree on a selection, perhaps we can agree on criteria
◦ Yourself from others

Creative Conflict Resolution (ground
rules)
•Make sure that good relationships are the first priority
•Keep people and problems separate
•Pay attention to the interests that are being presented
•Listen first; talk second
•Set out the “Facts”
•Explore options together
•Center!
◦ Present, open and connected

Creative Conflict Resolution
(process)
Step One: Set the Scene
Agree ground rules, roles, timing
Step Two: Gather Information
Listen at length to each other’s summary of the problem and desired outcome
Step Three: Agree the Problem
Jointly agree what problem you are trying to solve
Step Four: Brainstorm Possible Solutions
Use creativity to develop possible unthought-of solutions
Step Five: Negotiate a Solution
Converge on a solution from the list of possible solutions

Final role play – putting it all
together
•Take your case study and using the preparation tools outline, get
ready for a session where you will work to resolve it.
•Take 3-4 minutes and brief your partner on their role.
•Work through the process together for ten minutes
•Switch
•Debrief and summarize key points

Adapted from:
Thomas-Kilman Conflict Mode
Instrument
Conflict Dynamics Profile, Eckerd
College Leadership Development
Institute
Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher &
William Ury

Think about a recent conflict you’ve had
with someone else and then describe it in one or two words

Where are you?
CONFLICT MANAGEMENT COMPETENCY SCALE
Novice Expert
I could manage the conflict in my life better if…..?

Session Objectives
 Help you become more aware of your own conflict style
and behaviors
 Help you recognize conflict styles and behaviors of
others
 Help you better assess conflict situations
 Teach you practical strategies for negotiating
differences and resolving conflicts
 Allow you to observe and practice collaborative conflict
resolution methods

Session Themes
 Conflict is inevitable and should not be avoided
 People can change the way they respond to conflict
 Ineffective and harmful responses can be avoided
 Effective and beneficial responses to conflict can be
learned
 The goal of successful conflict management is not its
elimination, but to reduce its harmful effects and
maximize its useful ones

Broadly speaking, conflict is …
Any situation
in which people have incompatible
interests, goals, principles, or feelings

Workplace Conflict
Organization
Manager Department
Employee

“Conflict lies not in objective reality, but in people’s
heads. Truth is simply one more argument-
perhaps a good one, perhaps not-for dealing with
the difference”
Fisher & Ury

Potential Consequences of Conflict
Potential Benefits Potential Costs
? ?

Conflict must addressed on two levels
Substance
-------------
Process

Path of Conflict
CONSTRUCTIVE
RESPONSES
Behaviors which keep
conflict to a minimum
DESTRUCTIVE
RESPONSES
Behaviors which escalate
or prolong conflict
PRECIPITATING EVENT
TASK-FOCUSED CONFLICT
(Cognitive)
•Focus on task and problem solving
•Positive affect
•Tension decreases
•Group functioning improves
PERSON-FOCUSED CONFLICT
(Affective)
•Focus on personalities
•Negative emotions (anger, frustration)
•Tension increases
•Group functioning decreases
CONFLICT DE-ESCALATES CONFLICT ESCALATES

Conflict Response Categories
Perspective Taking
Creating Solutions
Expressing Emotions
Reaching Out
Winning at All Costs
Displaying Anger
Demeaning Others
Retaliating
Reflective Thinking
Delay Responding
Adapting
Avoiding
Yielding
Hiding Emotions
Self Criticizing
Constructive Destructive
ActivePassive

Constructive vs. Destructive
Role-Playing
Ally and ally’s roommate are addressing conflict
over dirty dishes in common areas.

The Retaliatory Cycle
“how we make war”
Repetition
Perception of
threat
Anger (emotion)
Acting
(destructive
response)
Trigger

Typical Outcomes of Destructive Responses
Feelings of anger and frustration
Judgmental actions
Getting even and keeping score
Other party does not have needs met
Closed channels of communication
Refusing to deal with issues
Decreased self-confidence
Tasks not completed
Team performance decreases

The Conciliatory Cycle
“how we make peace”
Person A
Inhibitory Reflex
Trigger
Person B Person A
Conciliatory Conciliatory
Gesture Gesture
Person B
Inhibitory Reflex

Typical Outcomes of Constructive Responses
 Win-win solutions
 Open & honest communication of feelings
 Both parties’ needs are met
 Non-judgmental actions
 Not sticking adamantly to one position
 Actively resolving conflict (not allowing conflict to
continue)
 Thoughtful responses (not impulsive)
 Team performance improves

Conciliatory Gestures Examples
Apologizing “I’m sorry that my comments in the staff
meeting embarrassed you. It was
thoughtless of me.”
Owning responsibility “I see now that I have contributed to this
problem. I didn’t see that before.”
Conceding “I’m willing to meet with you, if you are
willing to do it at a time that is
convenient for me.”
Self-disclosing “I’ve been worried about what you might
do to get back at me, and so I’ve been
avoiding you.”
Expressing positive
feelings for the Other
“You are a competent and skilled
professional.”
Initiating both-gain “How do you suggest we solve this?”

HARD SOFT
Getting what you want
Adversaries
The goal is victory
Demand concessions
Hard on people and problem
Distrust others
Dig in
Make threats
Insist on your position
Getting along with others
Friends
The goal is agreement
Make concessions
Soft on people and problem
Trust others
Change your position easily
Make offers
Insist on agreement
Which approach best describes you?

SOFT HARD PRINCIPLED
Friends Adversaries Problem-solvers
The goal is agreement The goal is victory A wise agreement reached
amicably and efficiently
Make concessions Demand concessions Separate the people from
the problem
Soft on the people and the
problem
Hard on the people and the
problem
Soft on the people, hard on
the problem
Trust others Distrust others Proceed independent of
trust
Change your position easily Dig in Focus on interests, not
positions
Make offers Make threats Explore interests
Search for a solution they
will accept
Insist on your solution Develop multiple options to
choose from
Insist on agreement Insist on your position Insist on using objective
criteria

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
Please take 20 minutes to complete the assessment
individually.

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
(Gettingwhatyouwant)
(Getting along with others)
Two basic aspects of
conflict handling modes
Your
Conflict = Preference/Skill + Situation
Mode

Are any of these styles bad?
List strengths and limitations of each
conflict management style.

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
Collaborating
“Two heads are better than one”
• Integrating Solutions
• Learning
• Merging Perspectives
• Gaining Commitment
• Improving Relationships

Collaborating Skills
• The Ability to Listen
• Non-threatening Confrontation
• Analyzing Input
• Identifying Concerns

Overuse of Collaborating
• Too much time on trivial matters
• Diffused Responsibility
• Others May Take Advantage
• Work Overload

Underuse of Collaborating
• Deprived of Mutual Gains
• Lack of Commitment
• Low Empowerment
• Loss of Innovation

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
Compromising
“Let’s make a deal”
• Moderate Importance
• Equal Power – Strong Commitment
• Temporary Solutions
• Time Constraints
• Backup

Compromising Skills
• Negotiating
• Finding a “Middle Ground”
• Making Concessions
• Assessing Value

Overuse of Compromising
• Lose Big Picture/Long Term Goals
• Lack of Values/Trust
• Cynical Climate

Underuse of Compromising
• Unnecessary Confrontations
• Frequent Power Struggles
• Unable to Negotiate Effectively

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
Competing
“My way or the highway”
• Quick Action
• Unpopular Decisions
• Vital Issues
• Protection

Competing Skills
• The Ability to Argue and Debate
• The Ability to Use Rank or Influence
• Asserting Your Opinions and Feelings
• Standing Your Ground
• Stating Your Position Clearly

Overuse of Competing
• Lack of Feedback
• Reduced Learning
• Low Empowerment
• Surrounded by “Yes” People

Underuse of Competing
• Restricted Influence
• Indecision
• Slow to Act
• Contributions Withheld

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
Accommodating
“It would be my pleasure”
• Showing Reasonableness
• Developing Performance
• Creating Good Will
• Keeping “Peace”
• Retreating
• Low Importance

Accommodating Skills
• Forgoing Your Desires
• Selflessness
• Obeying Orders
• Ability to Yield

Overuse of Accommodating
• Ideas Get Little Attention
• Restricted Influence
• Loss of Contribution
• Anarchy

Underuse of Accommodating
• Lack of Rapport
• Low Morale
• Exceptions Not Recognized
• Unable to Yield

Assertiveness
Cooperativeness
Avoiding
“I’ll think about it tomorrow”
• Buying Time
• Low Power
• Allowing Others
• Symptomatic Problems

Avoiding Skills
• Ability to Withdraw
• Sidestepping
• Sense of Timing
• Able to Leave Things Unresolved

Overuse of Avoiding
• Lack of Input from You
• Decisions Made by Default
• Issues Fester
• Cautious Climate

Underuse of Avoiding
• Hostility/Hurt Feelings
• Too Many Causes
• Lack of Prioritization/Delegation

Getting to Yes – The Principled Approach
People
Interests
Options Criteria

1. Separate the People from the Problem
Communication
People
Issues
Substance

•Separate the substantive issues from the psychological issues
•Deal directly with the people problem
•Recognize and understand emotions, theirs and yours
•Acknowledge emotions as legitimate
•Discuss your perceptions with the other side
•Don’t assess blame
•Allow the other side to let off steam
•Don’t react to emotional outbursts
•Listen actively and acknowledge what is being said
•Speak to be understood
•Agree to put emotions aside
1. Separate the People from the Problem

• Interests define the problem, positions don’t
• Compromising between positions will not always lead to a wise
and efficient agreement
• Look beyond opposing positions for shared and compatible
interests
• There are usually multiple ways to satisfy an interest whereas
positions can only be satisfied by one solution
• Ask why
• Ask why not
2. Focus on Interests, Not Positions

Shared interests often lie latent in every conflict
Look beyond a single answer for shared interests
Consider multiple solutions that satisfy interests of both sides
Separate the act of inventing options from the act of judging
them  invent first, decide later
Look to advance your interests by finding ways to accommodate
theirs
3. Invent Options for Mutual Gain

A wise agreement should reflect a fair standard
independent of the will of each side.
Fair standards for the substantive question and fair
procedures for resolving conflicting interests
Ask a neutral third party to judge or mediate
4. Insist on Using Objective Criteria

Successful Conflict Resolution uses all four
pieces to the puzzle
People
Interests
Options Criteria

START STOP
MORE LESS
Individual Activity

Exercise
•In small groups, prepare a list of:
◦ What was most interesting?
◦ What was most useful?
◦ What, if we were watching a movie of you, would we see you doing
differently tomorrow?
◦ Anything less useful, or wrong length relative to value?
•Spend about 10m reflecting personally, then have a group
discussion and group your findings for 10m…

Further questions?
•Paul Gibbons
◦ Leading and managing change
◦ Leadership development
◦ Innovation
◦ Culture change
◦ Coaching
•paul@paulgibbons.net
•+1 608 512 5916

Managing Conflict for Leaders

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