Margot Borden shares her journey toward self-love, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and mindful awareness of emotions. She highlights the detrimental effects of negative self-talk and the need to treat oneself with kindness, likening the relationship with oneself to that of a nurturing mother. The document offers insights on distinguishing between the ego and the soul, advocating for a compassionate approach to understanding and cultivating self-love.

1. How I Discovered
Self-love
Margot Borden
gotborden.com

2. Hello!
I’m Margot Borden, psychotherapist and coach at
www.MargotBorden.com

3. Many years ago, a friend who is wise and who I
trust enough to be able to hear the most delicate
things from said to me,

4. Many years ago, a friend who is wise and who I
trust enough to be able to hear the most delicate
things from said to me,
“ You need to learn to love yourself.”

5. What is self-
love?
I drew a blank.
It did not make any sense to me at the time.
I was stumped…

6. A few months later, while reading Thomas Moore’s
Care of the Soul,
I came across the idea of self-acceptance.
Little by little it started to become clear
I felt resistance to this notion. I mean, if I accept myself, it
means accepting being a faulty person. But, then I put the
book down and began to doze off. It came across me like a
wave of warmth and expansion… self-acceptance, embracing
myself as I am, no questions asked.

7. That was only the beginning. All the ways…
in which we don’t love ourselves
in which we beat ourselves up
strive to be something we’re not or something better
or different than we are
could fill volumes.

8. The next major shift happened when I read
John Welwood’s Perfect Love, Imperfect
Relationships and then did a retreat with him. I
got it!! And I’d like to share it with you!
And hey, it only took 20 years! *
Little by little it started to become clear
* Many clients over the years have said things such as: I’m already such-and-such
age or have been doing therapy with you for x months or years and I think I might
be starting to get it… Oh, how many ways does self-pummeling infiltrate our lives!

9. Counter-intuitive as it may seem
judging ourselves, beating ourselves
up, etc., feeds our negative self-image.
We give our power to the parts of
ourselves we have not yet
acknowledged or embraced.
The formula is simple:
Resistance sabotages
self-love

10. In my experience (get ready for a cliché)…
When you simply give yourself space and
permission to be you, fully and unequivocally,
you bring light into your own darkness.
You reclaim power over
your negative qualities.
The only way out is through.

11. In my experience (get ready for a cliché)…
When you simply give yourself space and
permission to be you, fully and unequivocally,
you bring light and love to the parts of
yourself you have trouble accepting.
The only way out is through.
This is self-love.

12. Simply start paying attention to how you feel.
If you feel crunched up inside, have a ball of tension
or some other unpleasant feeling
(our feelings often start being expressed in subtle
or sometimes not so subtle tensions or sensations in the body),
look at your thoughts and you’ll probably find negative beliefs
about yourself and self-talk.
How can I learn?

13. No, you don’t deserve to be spoken to or treated that way.
It will not get you anywhere.
The proof is you’ve been doing it your whole life
and it still isn’t making you happy or fulfilled.
Let’s make one thing clear

14. No, you don’t deserve to be spoken to
or treated that way, it will not get you anywhere.
The proof is you’ve been doing it your whole life
and it still isn’t making you happy or fulfilled.
Let’s make one thing clear
Trust me!

15. The mother is critical, moody,
unpredictable, sharp or even shouts at
her child. How does that child feel?
Into what kind of person does that
child develop? Yes, that’s right,
un-self-confident, uncertain of how to
bond or trust with others and more.
Imagine a mother and a child

16. She is warm, understanding, patient
but also firm and encouraging.
How does her child develop?
Curious, creative and free to move
toward self-actualizing.
Now, imagine a ‘good enough
mother’

17. You are metaphorically both the child and the mother.
Which mother are you to yourself?
Yes, that’s right. You’re probably the toxic mother.
And then you wonder why you feel unstable and unhappy…
Now let’s look at you

18. Be unconditionally kind, warm, patient,
understanding and yet firm and
encouraging with yourself.
Be a good ‘mother’ to yourself!
Here’s my two-part secret formula

19. Mindful self-awareness.
Learn to listen to yourself, feel what you are feeling
without indulging and without judging. Just relax and give
yourself permission to experience your sadness, fear,
anger, anxiety but also joy, love, faith… whatever you are
feeling simply is what you are feeling. There is nothing
wrong or right about it. Relax and explore!
Here’s my two-part secret formula

20. Feelings are like children, they need
attention.
They are simply trying to give us a message about ourselves. When
you acknowledge your feelings, they get the attention they need
and go back into their proper perspective
and place in your psyche.
BUT, if you avoid, judge, resist, project or
use any other defense mechanism….
They will persist and make you and
those who love you suffer.

21. Chances are you will not master self-love instantly.
There is a learning curve.
Self-love is something we aspire to.
Not something we put pressure on ourselves to achieve.
The road to self-love is full of interesting twists,
turns and other opportunities for
developing self understanding,
patience, kindness and compassion .
Take it Easy

22. That depends on
which self you love,
the self (ego) or
the Self (soul).
But isn’t self-love
egotistical?

23. The ego consists of our self-identity, the wants
and desires of the body, emotions and mind.
Loving the ego empowers it and then…
watch it grow leading to self-aggrandizement,
self-entitlement, self-centeredness
and other monsters…
not a pretty picture.
The EGO and the SOUL

24. Theego:
Listen to it, humor it, keep it in check.
Self-love is about finding, taking care of
and aligning to our soul.
Self-love does not mean loving or deifying our ego.

25. When you start to pay attention to how
you feel and the thoughts, beliefs and
attitudes that cause our feelings,
you’ll distinguish many, many ‘voices’.
If you explore these voices, some lead us
to unpleasant feelings such as agitation,
anxiety, depression, anger, frustration.
The list is endless. These voices stem from
the ego with its endless wants,
needs and desires.
The EGO and the SOUL

26. Yet other voices feel empowering, uplifting,
inspiring and liberating.
This is most likely the Soul or your Inner
Conscience speaking to you. It may start out
softly, it may be masked by many other
competing voices.
The final test is that the voice of the soul does
not put pressure on us, it stems from a place in
us that feels peaceful and resonant.

27. What is your normal level of self-love during your ordinary daily
life (not when commiserating a failure or celebrating a success)?
You’re Already a Success
A big 0
My thoughts, words and
actions are hurtful/going
against me
A blissful 10
My thoughts, words and
actions nourish my Soul

28. Chances are you’re somewhere in between.
And yet, if you look at your life, you have certainly had many
successes, you have many things to be grateful for
and many accomplishments.
Imagine what your life would be like if your
level of self-love increased…
If you became your own ally, your own caring well-wisher…

29. If you’d like to share your insights,
experiences or need some help overcoming barriers and
cultivating self-love, feel free to get in touch!
We All Need a Helping Hand
Wishing you a wonderful, enriching and successful adventure of self-
love.

30. PSYCHOTHERAPY:
Identify and align to your essence bringing
harmony, congruence, spirit and success into your
life.
•Body-Mind: Clear up core emotional and subtle
issues.
•Cognitive: Identify and eliminate negative
thoughts and beliefs.
•Educational: Develop self-knowledge, self-
acceptance and practical life skills.
COACHING:
Whether you are facing a challenge or looking
for a challenge, coaching provides valuable tools
and insights to empower, uplift, enlighten your life
and livelihood.
Sessions available in-person and online in
Mumbai, Scottsdale & Paris in
English and French.
Margot Borden
www.margotborden.com