This document is an instructor's manual for a training course on effective communication between men and women. The manual provides notes and outlines for teaching modules on topics like communication breakdowns, non-verbal communication differences, how men and women seek to get what they want, verbal communication pitfalls, giving compliments, having arguments, apologizing, and problem solving. The goal of the training is for participants to learn 5 methods for improved cross-gender communication and recognize where breakdowns typically occur.

1. 1
It’s Not About
The Nail:
Effective Communication Between the
Opposite Sex
Trainer’s Manual

2. 2
How to use this manual:
This is the instructor’s manual for It’s Not
About The Nail: Effective Communication
Between the Opposite Sex. The course outline
and notes to the instructor appear on the left-
hand pages in this manual.
The right pages of this manual are taken directly
from the participant’s manual and are the only
numbered pages in this manual. The right-hand
pages are the participants’ manual in its entirety.

3. 3
Table of Contents
Introduction 5
Training Objective 7
Communication Breakdown 9-11
Non-Verbal Communication 13
How We Get What We Want 15
Verbal Communication 17
Compliments 19
Arguments 21
Apologizing 23
Problem Solving 25-26
Effective Communication 28
References 28-30

4. 4
Introduction:
A) Greet Participants
B) Introduce yourself and the course
Academic research on psychological gender
differences has shown that while women use
communication as a tool to enhance social
connections and create relationships, men
use language to exert dominance and
achieve tangible outcomes

5. 5
Introduction:
“The single biggest problem in
communication is the illusion that it has
taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
The biggest difference between men and
women and their style of communication
boils down to the fact that men and women
view the purpose of conversations
differently.

6. 6

7. 7
Training Objective:
By the end of this training session trainees
should be able to implement 5 methods of
effective communication between the opposite
sex and identify communication breakdowns.

8. 8
Notes for Communication Breakdown
Game:
To display the differences between how men
and women communicate, in the first group
the director will be a guy, the runner will be
a girl, and the builder will be a guy. In the
second group the director will be a girl, the
runner will be a guy, and the builder will be
a girl.
Explain the instructions to the class. 10
minutes time limit. Allow for about 5
minutes for input from the observers and
people who participated in the game.

9. 9
Communication Breakdown Activity:
There are 4 roles in this communication skills game:
Person A - director
Person B - runner
Person C - builder
Person(s) D - observer(s)
PersonA is given a picture of the final product, and is the
only person who can see the object. It is the director's job
to give clear instructions to person B, the runner, so that
person C can build an exact replica of the model.

10. 10
PersonB listens to the director's instructionsand runs to a
different part of the room to where person C is sitting. The
runner then passes on the building instructions, without
seeing the building blocks, to Person C, the builder. The
runner can make as many trips as required within the time
allowed for the exercise.
PersonC listens to the runner's instructionsand builds the
object from the set of building blocks. The builder is the
onlyperson who can see the object underconstruction, and
building materials.

11. 11
Person(s)D observes the communication game, and make
notes about what works, what doesn't work, and how
peoplebehaved underpressure etc., to pass onto the group
later.

12. 12
Non-Verbal Communication:
PersonalSpace. Men tend to have a larger personal space
“bubble”around them. This bubbleis the point where the
approach of anotherperson causes some arousal and
discomfort. Women tend to have a smaller personal space
bubble.Moreover, a woman’s bubbletends to get
“invaded” by men more often than the otherway around.
Posture. Men tend to be more expansive in their posture,
and more open – taking up more space. This is associated
with dominance. Women, on the otherhand, tend to take
up less space and be more constricted. Ex: Men cross
their legs. Women hold their legs together.
Dress. Women’s clothes tend to be more revealing of the
body, and more restricting than men’s clothing.
Touch. Research suggests that men initiate touch more
than women (among non-lovers), as do dominant
individuals. When women initiate touch, it is often
misinterpreted as a sign of sexual interest.
Eye Gaze. Staring at anotherperson is typically a sign of
dominance, not holdinganother’sgaze is a sign of
submission. Women tend to watch men when they are not
looking, but look away when a man looks at them.

13. 13
Non-Verbal Communication:
 Personal space
 Posture
 Dress
 Touch
 Eye contact

14. 14
How We Get What We Want:
There are a lot of ways that men and women
go about getting what they want. Often
times they are selfish and manipulative
rather than being straightforward and
simple.
The approaches from men to women differ
based on their individual needs. Men would
prefer to be respected over being loved, and
women desire to be loved and cherished
more than they desire to be dominant and
respected.

15. 15
How We Get What We Want:
Men
 Gifts
 Acts of service
 (Doing the dishes, laundry, etc.)
 Pay for them
 Give in
 Ignore them
Women
 Play hard to get
 Flattery
 Refuse to make eye contact
 Silent treatment
 Nagging
 Crying

16. 16
Verbal Communication:
Men are socialized to make direct requests, while women are
socialized to put others' needs above their own. Women often
expect men to read their minds and know what they want
without actually telling them
When a woman feels stressed, she wants and needs to vent.
When she says, "Do you remember that sweater I wore on our
second date?" He hears her say, "If you cared, you'd remember!"
Women have an amazing memory for details, and they're more
sentimental than men. Women should keep in mind that men
don't remember details as well because of differences in how
they process information, not because they don't care.
When a woman has a problem, a man offers solutions. Often,
she's simply looking for understanding and validation. And a
woman tends to give men what she'd want: a shoulder to cry on,
which is often the last thing he wants. As a rule of thumb: men
should offer women compassion first and then help, and women
should offer men help first and then compassion.
Men compartmentalize, mentally and emotionally separating
work, relationships, etc. Women think "big picture," connecting
all the aspects of their lives.

17. 17
Verbal Communication:
 Men ask, Women hint/give clues
 She says too much; He says too little
 For women it’s in the details
 Listening vs. Solving
 Men compartmentalize, Women think
“big-picture.”

18. 18
Compliments:
From a young age, females learn to give
compliments; it's almost reflexive.
Compliments are a way of reaching out to
one another, an offer of affirmation and
inclusion.
Men are more likely to volunteer evaluations
instead of hand out compliments. Similarly,
they will not seek out compliments because
they want to avoid being critiqued
themselves.

19. 19
Compliments:
“Men socialize by insulting each other but
they really don’t mean it. Women socialize
by complimenting each other, they don’t
mean it either.”
Compliments are a way of reaching out to
one another, an offer of affirmation and
inclusion.
Men are more likely to volunteer evaluations
instead of hand out compliments. Similarly,
they will not seek out compliments because
they want to avoid being critiqued
themselves.

20. 20
Arguments:
Arguments generally come as a result of a breakdown in
communication. Due to the fact that men and women have
different purposesin how and why they communicate,
this often contributesto arguments.
Women often try to get their point across by asking many
types of questions: defiant, informational and rhetorical.
The questions are designed to present an opposition or
gather data.
Men's contributionsto arguments are often simple and
direct. They're so straightforward, in contrast to women's
questionsthat men might not even realize that a conflict is
occurring.
Men are concernedwith being right and less concerned
about anyone else's feelings. This perceived lack of
compassion upsets women.

21. 21
Arguments:
Women are typically in conversation mode;
they are more likely to ask questions. Their
goal is to get others to agree.
On average, women use more expressive,
tentative, and polite language than men do,
especially in situations of conflict.
Men offer solutions to problems in order to
avoid further seemingly unnecessary
discussions of interpersonal problems.

22. 22
Apologizing:
1.Expressing regret (I am sorry)
2.Accepting responsibility (I was wrong)
3.Making restitution (How can I make it
right)
4.Genuinely repenting (I’ll try not to do
that again)
5.Requesting forgiveness (Will you please
forgive me?)

23. 23
Apologizing:
1. Expressing regret
2. Accepting responsibility
3. Making restitution
4. Genuinely repenting
5. Requesting forgiveness

24. 24
Problem Solving:
Choose the if: do you address the problem? Am I willing
to die on this hill?
Can you live with it or will it damage the relationship?
Should I address it: is my conscious nagging me about
what's going on? Am I choosing silence because there's a
risk if I speak up?
Mutual purpose:
1. Care about their goals and their viewpoint
2. The goal is to solve the problem, not to blame them
Action.e.reaction:this makes me feel this way
Recap:
Before - Work on me first
During - Confront with safety/re-establish safety
After: start problemsolving and move to action
Action: set up a plan/followup on that plan and move
forward

25. 25
Problem Solving:
Every issue is really a relationship issue.
Emphasize on the relationship. Think about
consequences, intent, and what.
What do you want for yourself and what do
you want for the other person?
Before:
 Work on me first
 What is the issue needing to be
addressed?
 Is it worth mentioning?
During:
 Establish safety
 State the disconnect
 Mutual respect and purpose

26. 26
After:
 Jointly come up with a solution
 Agree on a plan
 Who does what, by when, and follow up

27. 27
10 Methods for Effective Communication:
1. Listen (Pause before you respond!)
2. Be trustworthyand honest
Being honest is the easiestway to have a good
memory
3. Don't rush communication/ monopolizetime
4. Adapt your ideas to others
5. Stay in the moment
6. Pay attention to nonverbal cues
7. Intend to understand
Firstunderstand, then seek to be understood
8. Be patient and open minded
9. Followup and repeat back what you heard
10. Ask for feedback

28. 28
10 Methods for Effective Communication:
1.Listen
2.Be trustworthy and honest
3.Don’t rush communication and don’t
monopolize time
4.Adapt your ideas to others
5.Stay in the moment
6.Pay attention to nonverbal cues
7.Intend to understand
8.Be patient and open minded
9.Follow up and repeat back what you heard
10. Ask for feedback

29. 29
References
Gray, John, and Ellen Hartson. "Man Speak Vs. Woman
Speak: 10 Common Misunderstandings." YourTango.
N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2014.
Gray, John, Ellen Hartson, and Amy Johnson. "Man
Speak Vs. Woman Speak: 10 Common
Misunderstandings." YourTango. N.p., 2014. Web.
11 Nov. 2014.
Merchanta, Karma. "How Men And Women Differ:
Gender Differences in Communication Styles,
Influence Tactics, and Leadership Styles." N.p., n.d.
Web. 11 Nov. 2014.

30. 30
Riggio, Ronald E. "The Nonverbal Power Cues of Men
and Women." Psychology Today: Health, Help,
Happiness + Find a Therapist. N.p., 30 Nov. 2012.
Web. 11 Nov. 2014.
Sherwood, Susan. "10 Ways Men and Women
Communicate Differently : Discovery Channel."
Discovery Channel. N.p., 2014. Web. 10 Nov. 2014.
Swinton, Lyndsay. "Building Blocks Communication
Skills Game." Building Blocks Communication Skills
Game. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Nov. 2014.