Semira Rahemtulla led a communication workshop where she: 1) Introduced herself and her background in executive coaching, startup founding, and product management. 2) Discussed the importance of psychological safety, self-disclosure, and giving effective feedback by focusing on specific behaviors, sharing one's feelings and perspective, and understanding the other person's point of view. 3) Provided exercises for participants to practice giving compliments, feedback, and receiving feedback in a way that minimizes defensiveness through active listening and understanding.

1. Communication Workshop
Semira Rahemtulla
March 28, 2018

2. Who am I?
• Executive coach to startup founders
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $4B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ multiple startups
• Harvard Ed.M Technology In Education
• Stanford B.S. Computer Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Exercise #1: If You Really Knew Me…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the
sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”

7. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

8. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

9. Google’s
Project
Aristotle

10. Team norms that foster psychological safety
Psychological safety is ‘‘a sense of confidence that the team will
not embarrass, reject or punish someone for speaking up,’’
‘‘It describes a team climate characterized by interpersonal trust
and mutual respect in which people are comfortable being
themselves.’’
Working AgreementsEffective Teams

11. Feedback & Influence

12. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

13. Feedback is a gift

14. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

15. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

16. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
“When you do [x]…”
Focus on specific, observable behavior
"I feel [y]…”
Describe the impact of that behavior on you (disclosure)
“Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”
Ask about the other person’s intentions and perspective
Stay on your side of the net!

17. FACTS
Focus on specific, observable behavior

18. FEELINGS
What emotions came up for you?

19. THOUGHTS
Your beliefs, assumptions, stories,
conclusions, etc

20. Can you tell me what was
going on for you?
Ask about their side of the net

21. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Kulveer, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Kulveer, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You
are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Kulveer, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.

22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond
very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve
noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
Step 1: Open with mutual goals and positive intent.
What do you really want for this relationship?
What is your intention in giving this feedback?
Step 2: Stay on your side of the net
a. Stick to observable behavior (“When you did [x]…”)
b. Share your reaction (“I felt [y], and my story is [z]”)
c. Ask for their perspective (“What was going on for you?”)
Step 3: Enter joint problem-solving.
State your requests and preferences: What do you want?
Aim for solutions that are a win-for-all
Design some experiments.

24. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

25. Exercise #4: Complimentary Feedback
Think of one thing your coworker does that
you really appreciate
1. Describe the behavior as specifically as
possible
2. Describe the impact the behavior has on
you

26. #1 Factor for Happiness
on the Job:
Feeling appreciated
-- 2014 BCG/The Network survey of 200K employees

27. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityBuilding a culture of appreciation
1. Create a space for it
2. Lead by example

28. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
Manage your own defensiveness
• Notice it
• Name it: “Affect Labeling”
Goal is understanding, not winning
• “What I heard you say…”
• “Can you tell me more about that?"
Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

29. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my thoughts are [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

30. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 