The document discusses the importance of disclosure and vulnerability in effective leadership and team dynamics, emphasizing that emotional awareness is crucial for building trust and connection among team members. It outlines a model for providing constructive feedback while minimizing defensiveness and encourages the use of specific, observable behaviors instead of addressing motives. Additionally, it highlights essential team conditions such as safety, intimacy, and mutual trust as correlating factors to group emotional intelligence.

1. Founder Communication
Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
March 23, 2015

2. Photo by Alex Eflon [link]
Topics for Today
What makes an effective leader?
What makes an effective team?
Format: Learn together, not talk at you

3. Working
I ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Respect confidentiality
Minimize distractions
Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
agreements

4. ONE BIG IDEA

5. Three Realities (The Net Model)
INTENT
Needs
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net

6. FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS - WHY?
Everyone feels
them, we just
pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information,
absence of
emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance.
Most powerful
motivator?
They are
an early warning
system

7. Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
SELF-DISCLOSURE
We are constantly making the choice of
letting our self be more fully known
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”

8. Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as the expression
of uncertainty, risk, and emotional
exposure.

9. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top
quartile managers from bottom quartile
managers was strength of affection – both
given & received – with their team.”
(“Leaders guide to recognizing and rewarding others”, Kouzes & Barry)

10. Paradox of Trust
You prefer to look strong rather than weak.
Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some) weakness is
perceived as sign of strength.

11. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Build connection, trust
2. Repair distortions
3. Avoid “progressive impoverishment”

12. 5 levels
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]
Richard Francisco
In what ways do we communicate?
Increasing levels of difficulty, risk & learning

13. 5 levels1: Ritual
2: Extended Ritual
3: Content
4: Feelings About Content
5: Feelings About Each Other
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

14. 5 levels
5: Feelings About Each Other
Hardest
Riskiest
Most powerful for feedback
Photo by Rita Willaert [link]

15. The Bottom Line
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to connection
2. Effective leaders for strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.

16. Team & Culture
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

17. Effective Teams
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Problem: Can’t order people to do any of this.
(“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

18. Essential Conditions
1. Safety
2. Intimacy
3. Mutual Trust
Research: All of these are correlated to group EQ.
(“Safety, Trust, Intimacy”, Ed Batista, 2010)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

19. EQ (Individual)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Regulation

20. EQ (Group)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(Our Team)
Outward
(Other Teams)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Regulation

21. Group EQ
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]

22. Our norms
What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]

23. Feedback & Influence

24. Johari Window
© Carole Robin, Ph.D., 2011
OPEN/
PUBLIC BLIND
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e

25. Why is feedback important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger relationships
Bottom line: Feedback is how we grow.

26. Can I give you
Photo:RobbieGrubbs
some feedback?

27. Threat Response
Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats

28. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
SCARF Model
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness

29. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

30. THE NET (AGAIN)
INTENT
Needs
Motives
Situation
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
Feedback

31. 1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on YOU
3. Do NOT address MY motives or intentions.
(Do listen actively if I choose to share them.)
How to Give Effective Feedback
Stay on your side of the net!

32. New Mental Model
1. Feedback is new information
about my internal reactions
to your behavior.
2. New information increases our
shared reality.
3. Goal: enter into joint
problem solving.
Feedback is a gift!
Old Mental Model
1. Tell others what is wrong
with them
2. Goal: Get them to change.

33. The simplest
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
feedback model
Photo by Ed Yourdon [link]

34. Lets try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone.
I am feeling anxious about whether I am doing a
good job with this presentation.

35. 1:1 feedback
Photo by Ana Karenina [link]

36. ● Give more!!!
● Do not praise to buffer criticism
● Avoid “The Sandwich”
● Do not praise to overcome resistance
●Avoid platitudes. Be specific
● Weak: “John - you are a great boss.”
● Strong: “John - when you give me specific feedback, I feel
excited because I have a chance to grow professionally.”
Tips for Complimentary Feedback

37. • Assume good intent, be curious
• Use a soft start
• emphasize mutual goals & positive intent for the conversation.
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint-problem solving
Tips for Constructive Feedback

38. ● Gift mentality
● Listen and ask clarifying questions
● Acknowledge your feelings
● Goal is understanding, not “winning”
● Say “Thank You!”
Tips for Receiving Feedback

39. Last Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [X], I feel [Y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions

40. Challenge
yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]

41. Thanks, goodbye, & stay on
your side of the net.